2013 NBA literal mocking draft

draft-lottery-billboard

It’s almost impossible to keep up with college basketball and NBA basketball at the same time. So when mock draft season rolls around, it’s a time for us NBA bros to finally get to know these kids who are going to be owning the big leagues sooner or later. Unfortunately, that means we also don’t know much about the prospects.

Ergo, we have to learn on the fly. And that’s why I offer this literal mock draft to all you guys out there. It’s a way to learn exactly how you’re going to make fun of these new players once they grace the NBA hardwood. We did it last year, and we’re doing it now, so I guess it’s tradition around these parts. The order comes from DraftExpress, the zingers come from me. Lottery only. Leggo.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers — Nerlens Noel (C, 19, 7-0, 206, Kentucky, freshman)

“Hey Nerlens! Your name is Nerlens.”

2. Orlando Magic — Ben McLemore (SG, 20, 6-5, 189, Kansas, freshman)

“First Mark, then the rapper, now this — more like McLem-less.”

3. Washington Wizards — Anthony Bennett (PF, 20, 6-7, 239, UNLV, freshman)

“Anthony Bennett? I’ve always been more of a Francis Sinatra fan.”

4. Charlotte Bobcats — Victor Oladipo (SG/SF, 21, 6-4, 213, Indiana, junior)

“You’re named after the worst Beatles song.”

5. Phoenix Suns — Otto Porter (SF, 19, 6-8, 198, Georgetown, sophomore)

“Finally, someone to carry on the long and storied tradition of NBA superstars named ‘Otto.’ Finally.”

6. New Orleans Pelicans — Alex Len (C, 19, 7-1, 255, Maryland, sophomore)

“Don’t worry, bro. No one’s going to steal your sunshine.”

7. Sacramento Kings — Trey Burke (PG, 20, 6-1, 187, Michigan, sophomore)

There is literally nothing anyone can say bad about a guy who played at Michigan and is named “Trey.” Moving on.

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Detroit Tigers v Baltimore Orioles

It should have been you, Dylan Bundy. After captivating the nerdy end of the baseball world last season with his effortlessly dispatching of the low minor leagues, Dylan Bundy eventually made his way to the big leagues at just 19-years old. It was Bundy’s world, he of the exorbitant contract demands as a high school pitcher from Oklahoma.

But an elbow injury slowed Dylan Bundy’s ascent to Major League stardom. In his place steps Kevin Gausman – the new hope for the next wave of Orioles starters. Unlike Bundy, who was brought up as a reliever, Gausman gets to jump right in and do the real thing: start against the Blue Jays in Toronto on Thursday.

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SLUG-ME/SP/CUP--DATE-6/2/2002--LOCATION-Summers Restaurant,

By Jack Lang

And so, after five months queuing in the cold, nibbling upon the most meagre of bar snacks, we are shown to our seats. The Restaurante Campeonato Brasileiro is not the easiest place at which to get a booking these days, attracting a global clientele as never before and yet continuing to confound with its pioneering mix of exoticism and local stodge.

A swift glance at the occupants of the tables around us (your intrepid writer is accompanied by a mysterious partner, whose occasional bons mots should serve to break up the monotony of this poorly-conceived restaurant analogy) highlights one of the most unique features of the Brasileiro – its enormous geographical reach. See they guy with the mopey face? He represents Náutico, a city in the Nordeste. He’ll have to make two round trips of 6000 kilometres before the season is out. That’s over a quarter of the way round the world. No wonder he’s ordering another whiskey.

A waiter – our waiter, apparently – bumbles over to our table, knocking over a coat rack as he goes. He, in case you hadn’t clocked it yet, is not only a waiter but also a metaphor for the clumsiness of the organisational side of the restaurant/football league I’m supposed to be previewing in this article.

“Pssst,” my partner chimes in. “The thing at the start with the five-month wait in the cold was an allegory for the increasingly outmoded Brazilian football calendar.”

“Oh,” I reply.

The waiter, we discover, only really knuckles down to seating people after the evening’s soap opera and has a tendency to focus on clients from Rio and São Paulo at the expense of others. This year, he’s taking a holiday (he mentions something about a Confederations Cup) in the middle of the year, meaning the restaurant will pretty much be double booked from July to mid-December. He does have extremely shiny hair though.

He tells us about the staff. The Brasileiro is famous for its career-bookend roster of chefs: there are a few young guys everyone seems to be talking about (some kid called Bernard is apparently a shoo-in for a Michelin star) and a bunch of veterans enjoying one last hurrah. The former tend to trade in individualistic flair (think gelatine and Earl Grey-flavoured smoke) while the latter prefer to recreate their best dishes of the past.

Recently, though, there has been a trend of importing swanky foreign cooks and repatriating local talent, which has raised the overall level of the Brasileiro. While the fare, if we’re being truly honest, still pales in comparison to the offerings of refined European eateries, the gap is getting smaller by the year. “Slow progress is progress nonetheless,” my partner quips.

Let’s take a quick tour of the room, shall we? (We shall.) See the two guys at either end of the top table? That’s Corinthians coach Tite and his Atlético Mineiro counterpart, Cuca. They’ve been here longer than anyone and have the bellies to prove it. (My partner splutters something about silverware between glugs of red.) The Atlético guys do look to be having a little more fun – Ronaldinho is sharing out some of his home-baked madeleines – but Corinthians aren’t to be taken lightly. Some Italian guy is whispering in the ear of star midfielder Paulinho though, which could be a worry.

At the next table are the Fluminense crowd. Yep, that’s Fred chatting up a waitress. They did well last year but look to be fading somewhat. They shared a lift here with Botafogo, who, by comparison, are chomping at the bit. With Clarence Seedorf in the midst of an Indian summer, the Glorious One (modesty gets you nowhere) could be in the mix. But the less said about neighbours Flamengo and Vasco da Gama, the better. It’s only 8.30 and they’re already scratching around in their wallets to figure out if they can afford another beer.

Cruzeiro have been in fine fettle this season, as have Internacional. Both will feel they are due a title challenge, having passed out before dessert last time they were here. The latter’s Porto Alegre rivals, Grêmio, will hope that Vanderlei Luxemburgo (one of Brazil’s most notable power eaters) and a spate of promising signings will put a disappointing exit from the Libertadores behind them to trouble the favourites.

“Uff! Let me…”

We swivel in our seats to watch a kerfuffle by the entrance. Is that… Neymar? It is, you know! He’s being bundled out the door and into a Catalan’s van? The maître d’ acts swiftly, demoting Muricy Ramalho and his miserable-looking Santos diners to a tiny table by the toilets. They won’t be having much fun tonight. On the table to the left, São Paulo don’t look quite so crestfallen but you do wish they’d keep their kids on a leash; Luís Fabiano hasn’t stopped insulting the bar staff since we entered.

On the communal table, Coritiba, Vitória, Ponte Preta, Atlético-PR, Goiás and Portuguesa are scrapping away for every last bite of a steak. A couple of them will probably exceed expectations in 2013; my money is on the first two. That self-conscious man in the corner is Chrissy “Criciúma” Uma. He’s used to eating in much more modest joints. And the screaming noise you can hear is coming from assorted members of the Bahia squad and board, who are currently having a catfight out in the rain. There’s always one.

“When you chose this restaurant scheme,” my partner sighs, “I assumed it would be partly to avoid having to go through every team. Now you’ve bored me in two distinct ways.”

My partner is right, of course. (S)He always is. I tuck my napkin into my collar and exhale, semi-contentedly. At least the meal will be better than the preamble.

Los Angeles Kings v San Jose Sharks - Game Three

Happy humpday, y’all. On today’s podcast we covered:

* The success of the Bruins 4th line

* The struggles of Seguin and Jagr (despite not playing poorly)

* Quality goaltending

* Joey Thornton is a-okay

* Marleau’s accidental hit on Brown

* The quick whistle on Penner

* And much more

You can listen to it here:

 

Download it here, and subscribe on iTunes here. Facebook yay!

kelly-presser2

Chip Kelly’s NFL offense is the great secret of our time, or at least it is now that we have a definitive answer as to whether or not it’s pronounced “Gif” or “Jif”. Really, the Internet conundrum on that matter rages on, and one day it may divide nations.

So far, we still know little, mostly because those who speak of Kelly’s offense in any detail are murdered shortly thereafter. A few weeks ago LeSean McCoy dropped some vague hints, saying there will be much more running, and “different sets with different backs”. Intriguing indeed, and of course the fantasy implications of what this whizz kid may or may not do are widespread, especially if his innovations can bring Michael Vick back to life.

We also have the observations of the beat writers who have spent many hours at May practices as they watch, wait, watch, and eat. They’ve largely relayed a few fun but still expected facts: there will be a significant emphasis on speed, and very little huddling. Actually, “speed” may not be the appropriate word there, although it will certainly be featured in abundance. Instead, Kelly will likely emphasize pace, pushing it often.

But every time the subject of Kelly’s offense with the Eagles comes up and what he will or won’t do is debated by anyone of prominence, it’s been common to assume that he’ll just rip the covers off of his old Oregon playbooks, and slap the Eagles logo on them.

And that feels both wrong, and too easy.

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nhl14_covervotefinal4

We’re now down to the semi-finals of the NHL 14 Cover Vote campaign and it’s down to the final 4: Pavel Datsyuk, Martin Brodeur, John Tavares and Sergei Bobrovsky.

We say farewell to 2 Toronto Maple Leafs who made it far into the campaign. Pavel Datsyuk narrowly defeated Joffrey Lupul in what was the tightest matchup of the last round. James van Riemsdyk made things interesting for Martin Brodeur as they battled for a spot in the semi’s, but Brodeur’s increased social media activity got him the W.

Semi-final voting runs until May 26th at 11:59 PM ET. The winner of the cover vote will be revealed during the Stanley Cup Finals.

Omega Dubai Desert Classic - Final RoundSergio Garcia would like to remind us that racism still exists. Unfortunately, his method for doing so was not a public service announcement, but a joke aimed at Tiger Woods that referred to fried chicken. There are two things that are awful about this: 1) The public reinforcement of an incredibly demeaning stereotype that the majority of us would love to do away with; and 2) His attempt at irreverence wasn’t even remotely funny.

It all started two weeks ago during the Third Round at The Players Championship at Sawgrass. Tiger Woods decided to take a wood out of his bag – signifying to the crowd that he was going for the green on the par-five second hole – just as Sergio Garcia was taking his swing. The crowd cheered Woods’s decision, causing Garcia to slice his shot.

During a rain delay, Garcia vented some of his frustration while speaking with the Golf Channel:

Well, obviously Tiger was on the left and it was my turn to hit. He moved all the crowd that he needed to move, I waited for that. You do have a feel when the other guy is going to hit and right as I was in the top of the back-swing, he must have pulled a wood and everybody started screaming. So that didn’t help very much.

… and so it began.

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2,000 Acts Of Hope Charitable Initiative With The Los Angeles Kings

With the bevy of rumours, reports and general speculation over Bryan Colangelo’s job status running rampant over the last few weeks, we’ve already had plenty of time to assess Colangelo’s actions and words recently. On that note, I’m not going to spend any time on Colangelo’s conference call with the media from earlier today after it was announced that he was being relieved of his General Manager duties.

Having said that, new Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment CEO Tim Leiweke held a much more candid media call on Tuesday morning that is worth talking about, so here are some talking points from that call..

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