(S/t to Kukla’s Korner)
By Andi Thomas and Alex Netherton
Premier League: Season 21 ★★
It is the curse of all successful, long-running entertainment franchises to be judged by what came before. Last season, the writers of Premier League threw everything they had at the ending. Obviously, the last-minute last-kick denouement stretched the credibility, but that didn’t matter: it was outstanding drama, carefully scripted to maximise the pleasure for Manchester City, the pain for Manchester United, and the entertainment for the viewing public.
But that comes with its own problem, which is that when it comes to the next season, you can’t just pull the same trick again. That Premier League was brave enough to try something different should be respected, but the peculiar decision to have the title race done by around January, and the relegation places all decided before the final episode, meant that the only point of any competitive interest on the final day was the end of the Race for Fourth, which took place across two dull, predictable 1-0 wins, only leavened slightly by the comedy stylings of Andre Marriner and his free-jazz interpretations of the penalty laws.
The Race for Fourth has never really caught the imagination of the viewing public, despite the best efforts of the writers, and this was another strained and faltering attempt. In footballing terms it provides one team — this time Arsenal rather than Tottenham — with the opportunity, next season, to go out of Europe earlier in a better competition as opposed to later in a worse one. In financial terms it’s terribly important, but great television is not born from such concerns. At least the writers were clever enough to retain an element of parochial cock-snooking through to the end, and we’d like to shout out the Arsenal fan in London Bridge who, moments before kick-off, decided to ask his friend to photograph him in front of the television, back to the camera, pointing with his thumbs at the customised name on his replica shirt. It’s the Arsenal fans that aren’t ‘Arsenal fans’ we feel sorry for.
The other consequence of the writers’ decision to remove much of the competitive edge from the season has been the attention expended on various ancillary plotlines. It was an inspired decision to bring the cross-season racism arc to an end with a room full of white journalists gasping at a black man using words that they wouldn’t be allowed to, and special mention must go to Roberto Mancini, for a delicate, gripping, and ultimately quite affecting portrayal of a preening man fatally undermined by his own tactical incontinence. The only downside of his descent into paranoid mediocrity is that we won’t get to enjoy it again next season.
Yet despite these moments of triumph — and we should also acknowledge the Luis Suarez Biting Incident, a scintillating moment of comic relief and a wonderful pay off for the years of groundwork that have gone into establishing his character — it’s hard to escape the conclusion that this season dragged terribly. By the time the John Terry: Full Kit jokes were being wheeled out for another airing, it was clear that Premier League has been stuck in a holding pattern for some time, and moments like the end of last season can only distract, temporarily, from the structural issues and lack of variety inherent in the setting.
Already, sweeping changes are being planned for next season. Along with the departing Mancini go Paul Scholes, for the second time, Rafael Benitez, after an unconvincing cameo that pleased some critics but never engaged the fans, and a triumphant Sir Alex Ferguson, whose final scene, sliding down a hill near West Bromwich in a bathtub, will live long in the memory. Producers have denied that Ferguson will return next season, but have hinted that notorious psychopath Jose Mourinho, last seen driving a people-wagon into a London canal, will make a shock return.
New faces; but, one suspects, the same old nonsense. The plotlines — Manchester United are victorious, Alan Pardew is unpopular, Liverpool are hilarious — are familiar and wearing thin; the performances are ranged for the most part between acceptable and risible; the relentless focus on off-field nonsense has stretched the patience of even the most avid viewer. Or at least, it should have. But ratings remain strong, proving once and for all that there is no audience so supine, so content to collaborate with its own cheapening, as viewers of Premier League, which will continue for ever and ever, shiny and loud and utterly relentless.
As a mark of the enjoyment we’ve had doing this in the last year, and as a mark of thanks to all of you, our fantastic audience, we would like to leave you with the following quote from Reginald D Hunter, ‘N–”[Richard Whittall interjects, grabs microphone from Andi and Alex, and screams, "That's it. That is it. You're done. Done. That's it for you at The Score. Never again! Your careers began elsewhere but they end here!"]
Philadelphia’s bottom of the ninth inning Sunday against Cincinnati is, without question, the leader in the clubhouse for Inning of the Year 2013.
First, Aroldis Chapman walked Delmon Young on four pitches. And then Cliff Lee pinch ran for Delmon Young. Cliff Lee is a pitcher. Delmon Young plays right field.
But the move makes some sense. Lee has hardly been incompetent on the basepaths. He had never been picked off, he had two steals in three chances, and he had scored from first on a double twice out of two tries — precisely what the Phillies probably thought they needed if they were going to break Chapman. Plus, with Young still fresh off an ankle injury, the Phillies probably didn’t think he could put on the burners like usual, and usual is bad enough.
Of course, the Phillies probably weren’t expecting much from Lee. Just two things: don’t get hurt, and don’t get picked off.
At least he managed the former.
On Friday we learned from Doug Smith that the Raptors have until Monday to decide whether or not to pick up Bryan Colangelo’s option for next season. Smith also reported that Tim Leiweke and Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment have hired a search firm to narrow down a list of potential Colangelo successors. Two names mentioned in that report were Pacers General Manager Kevin Pritchard and Thunder Vice President and Assistant GM Troy Weaver.
Saturday morning, Adrian Wojnarowski hit us with something that most Raptors fans surely considered once or twice when news emerged that Colangelo’s days may be numbered, and that’s that Toronto is reportedly targeting Nuggets GM Masai Ujiri.
Remember earlier this morning when I wrote about the great Rob Gronkowski problem of 2013? Now that his fourth forearm surgery is officially scheduled for next week, there was optimism that he’ll be fine for your fantasy drafts in August. Even though there’s still significant risk that comes with a Gronk pick, it’s balanced by the far more significant reward.
Yeah, about that.
On Friday’s episode of “The Fix” x “The Overdose,” The Jones preview and predict the Western Conference Finals before discussing George Hill’s injury, Woodson finally playing Chris Copeland, guys that have boosted their free agency stocks, whether Paul Pierce has played his last game in a Celtics uniform, the Kings staying in Sacramento, and the NBA’s best and worst mascots.
All that, plus swirling winds, “The Office,” tiny “Baby Birdman,” and more on crepes.
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It’s times like these when sports and social media come together to make something awesome happen. Pro Golfer, rapper and avid Twitter user Ben Crane is participating in the HP Byron Nelson Championship and decided to give his regular caddy a day off and look for a replacement on Twitter:
Thinking of giving my caddy @joelstock the day off tomorrow at the HP Byron Nelson Champ ProAm. Anyone want to carry my bag for the day?
— Ben Crane (@bencranegolf) May 14, 2013
He got some good responses, but in the end, Twitter user Morgan Johnson, a former ACU golfer who was celebrating his birthday won.
@bencranegolf former acu golfer. Just graduated from college and live in Rowlett. Oh and my birthday is tomorrow. #caddyforcrane
— Morgan Johnson (@MojoGolfNG360) May 14, 2013
The pic and the tweet to prove it.
New tagline for @twitter: “Instantly connect to what’s most important to you…& hire a ProAm caddy” @mojogolfng360 twitter.com/bencranegolf/s…
— Ben Crane (@bencranegolf) May 15, 2013
While there is certainly some merit to believing such traits to be beneficial, we mostly elevated the glory of our menial tasks for the purpose of justifying our current state and forgetting the bad decisions that led us to physical labor as a livelihood. In addition to fooling ourselves in this manner, we’d mock office workers, imagining their professions to be less honorable than our own.
“How can they feel any measure of self-worth?” we’d ask ourselves.
Ten years later, as part of my job, I would embed a YouTube clip of a Callaway Golf executive putting a golf ball down two sets of staggered stairs and into a cup. If my former co-workers could only see me now.
A seat at the 19th hole for Shane Bacon of the Devil Ball golf blog.
