I need you to sit down. Are you sitting down? Good. Here, have some water. You may want to drink the whole glass. Drink it down. Do you want something? I have some lithium in my backpack. Okay? No? Fine. Here’s a paper bag. No, trust me, you’ll need it.

How do I begin? I’ll just have to say it. Stewart Downing has scored a goal for Liverpool. The Europa League qualifier against Gomel. Please stop. Take a deep breath. Stop screaming. Yes, it was in a competitive match. Oh my god, please stop crying. Here, please take the lithium. No? That wall isn’t drywall, it’s cement. Please stop trying to punch your way through the wall.