3:56 PM

This Dempsey thing has really thrown people for a loop, particularly as Villa rumours are floating back up to the surface as in some nightmarish toilet. But was the offer from Liverpool seriously 4 million pounds? That’s beyond insulting.

And I’m afraid that’s all for me today. Check @theScore or ScoreMobileFC for more updates, but I’m telling you: nothing’s going to happen. Nada.

3:45 PM

As Chelsea attempt to pick up the pieces from a disastrous first half against Atletico Madrid in the UEFA Super Cup, the English media consoles itself over news that the day’s last interesting bit of transfer fodder may have fallen apart:

Important to stress there’s still time left to do something. #LFC still want Dempsey but the fee is the issue. Miracles happen.

— Ben Smith (@BenSmithBBC) August 31, 2012

The midnight shift is going to be brutal.

3:29 PM

Over to you, Tottenham!

We’re hearing there will be NO incoming transfers at Liverpool tonight. Looks like the Clint Dempsey deal is off for good…#bbcfootball

— BBC Sport (@BBCSport) August 31, 2012

3:21 PM

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Ryan Babel, whom was linked with a London club a few hours ago, is off to Ajax.

3:17 PM

Just an update to tell you Chelsea are absolute gobshites at the football at the moment. David Luiz is the bad old David Luiz who has an extraordinarily liberal approach to positioning and tracking back. In actual news, Hugo Lloris has completed his Spurs medical, and a loan deal is apparently brewing for Michael Essien, perhaps to Arsenal.

2:56 PM

Well now there’s loads of good stuff coming down the pipe. First, Falcao just scored in the Super Cup, with David Luiz failing to do a Terry and clear the ball off the line. And next, Jason Davis Tweeted this incredible story on Berbatov’s Fiorentina snub:

In a statement on the club’s English language website, the club publicly slammed Berbatov:

“.. we can deem ourselves happy he did not join Fiorentina: he did not deserve our city, he did not deserve to wear our jersey and the values that represent it.”

The Florence club claim that they agreed terms with Manchester United, personal terms with the player and even paid for his airfare to Italy – only for him not to show up.

Lots of skipped planes and backroom deals that make you realize nobody ever knows what’s going on, ever.

Oh, and finally this, stolen from an old Dirty Tackle post, from our chums at Fitbathatba:

2:48 PM

Oh! And there’s this, from the Guardian live blog: “David Moyes is on the verge of completing a £6m deal for Birmingham keeper Jack Butland.” Nice.

And Essien is on the bench for the Super Mega Cup Gen Gen, as well as Sturridge. Which of course means the two will be in MLS by sundown.

2:45 PM

UEFA Super Mega Cup Gen Gen about to come on, so at least we’ll have that to chat about. And I knew there was something missing this transfer deadline day:

Brilliant – SPOTTED: Harry Redknapp looking sad this #transferdeadlinedaytwitpic.com/apo0ip

— Mark Robinson (@robboma3) August 31, 2012

2:19 PM

I didn’t include this earlier, but more Canadian content as Tossaint Ricketts manages to look like a man filling out a crossword puzzle in a bus station and signs for Norwegian club Valerenga.

Right now all eyes are on American wonderboy Clint Dempsey. If there’s one truth on Deadline Day, it’s that some deals are as smooth as rich, creamery butter, and others as rocky as a massive heart attack. Dempsey’s transfer has been messy, confusing, unflattering. Apparently it’s all Liverpool but Spurs, as ever on this Day of Days, are lurking in the background hoping to be dicks.

1:47 PM

It’s all slowed down a bit now. Watch this:

1:14 PM

It’s been revealed to me that I haven’t yet mentioned the transfer deal of the summer: Alessandro Del Piero’s move to Sydney FC. You’re welcome. Oh, and some Canadian Canadian Content:

BREAKING: Iain Hume has moved to Doncaster Rovers FC on a loan until Jan 1. Will go straight into the squad for Saturday’s match. #canMNT

— Canada Soccer (@CanadaSoccerEN) August 31, 2012

12:50 PM

Oh, and the Clint Dempsey story is bubbling along with Liverpool and Spurs (they’re everywhere today!) in the running, as well as reports that the £22 million Joao Moutinho bid by Spurs is snagged on “personal terms,” presumably related to the number of red skittles in his dressing room skittles bowl.

12:48 PM

This is what a Nicklas Bendtner medical looks like:

Of course it does. Of course.

12:30 PM

Woah, sorry for the break, but unlike the Guardian I don’t have a grab bag of brilliantly funny writers to take the chair whenever I feel the need to go eat a burrito (it was delicious). Anyway, some actual, real live news: Bendtner to Juventus is official!

And Swansea have broken a club transfer record by nicking Pablo Hernandez from Valencia for 5.5 million pounds. Like the HBC department store in Moncton, Spain’s non-Big Two clubs are a good bet for any skint European club who wants to get a nice blouse for 80% off.

11:40 AM

There are all sorts of rumuors of Michel Bastos going to Fulham on the Twitter for something like 7 million pounds, basically a nice used couch and some open bags of potato chips. But Bastos is a fantastic player at 29 years of age, although Aulas’ reputation for selling off oldster duds might be preceding him. If Lloris valued at 10 million pounds is insanely low, 7 million is only slightly less weird.

And Brendan Rodgers is all over the radio wanting Daniel Sturridge. Whatever. And some mild, indirect Canadian content news: Maurice Edu is on his way to Stoke City. He played for Toronto FC once, remember guys?

11:25 AM

Some bit of business at Southampton to report:

Nigel Adkins says he’s confident Southampton will complete signing of Gaston Ramirez from Bologna for club record fee #skydeadlineday

— Sky Sports News (@SkySportsNews) August 31, 2012

The Uruguayan international is being hailed as one of “Serie A’s brightest lights” by Sky Sports Radio, which is slightly much. He enjoyed a 72% pass completion rate last season, although he did score eight goals and his key pass average was 1.6, the 25th best rate in the league last season. All in all, a good deal for Southampton.

11:00 AM

The Guardian reports on Lyon president Jean-Michel Aulas bitching out Tottenham CEO Daniel Levy et al on the potential deal for Hugo Lloris:

“I would put it at 50-50 that Hugo goes to Tottenham. Agreements have not at all been respected. We’ve done what we can. The negotiation with the Tottenham directors has been the hardest I have ever had to undergo in 25 years.”

You nerds will recall Aulas featured heavily in Soccernomics as a shrewd businessman, particularly with selling on young talent. If ever Deadline Day verged on the actually interesting, it would be listening in on phone call between these two.

10:32 AM

And today in Not a Joke: Manchester City Football Club sign goalkeeper Richard Wright from Preston North End. Here’s Wright in action:

10:27 AM

Staring at an empty news feed now and trying to make small talk, which is a kind of #Eastwooding I suppose. Some official news to report though: Berba to Fulham is official.

He’s signed! Dimitar Berbatov has completed his move to Fulham bit.ly/PFEF6J #ffc

— Fulham Football Club (@FulhamFC) August 31, 2012

And Joey Barton waxes poetic on his future at Marseille:

Hopefully, once the ink is dry. I can immerse myself in the culture, learn the language and just play football. That is my dream…

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 31, 2012

Needless to say everyone has responded on some variation of a French prison joke.

10:09 AM

Reports claim that Aston Vila have agreed a £10.6m fee for Genk striker Christian Benteke. #avfc

— Ross Mackiewicz (@RossMackiewicz) August 31, 2012

So, is the third highest scorer in Belgium’s Jupiler League worth 10 million pounds? Paul “I Couldn’t Even Chat with Dempsey” Lambert sure thinks so. And the fact this is happening on August 31st should fill Aston Villa fans with confidence. Anyway, here he is doing a goal for Belgium:

9:54 AM The brain behind @FootballCliches has compiled a list of ten Transfer Deadline Day go-tos. Our favourite, of course, is this:

4) FAX MACHINES The unsung hero of deadline day. Apparently obsolete in most other industries, the fax machine can be the pivotal factor in an “11th hour” deal being completed before the aforementioned slamming shut of the transfer window.

Meanwhile in actual transfer news, Van der Vaaaaart to Hamburg is official. The BBC announced “his Premier League career is over,” clearly implying his career is over. Yes, let’s all crap on one of the best leagues in Europe, England. Also, our man Horncastle is also reporting Edinson Cavani has received a lucrative contract extension from Napoli, which will help stem the bleeding. 9:35 AM This will be the first and—who knows?—last time I embed a Fox SAWCKER Tweet:

REPORT: Manchester City sign Javi Garcia from Benfica. More details TK

— FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) August 31, 2012

All of this last minute stuff makes Roberto Mancini this year’s incarnation of Arsene Wenger. That is, if Arsenal had the most expensive squad in professional sport. Anyway, here’s an entirely misleading and selectively edited video of Garcia doing cool stuff for Benfica.

9:27 AM

Speaking of younger talents that have fallen by the wayside, Ryan Babel, having tanked at Hoffenheim, is rumoured to be going to (INSERT LONDON CLUB HERE). Maybe West Ham, maybe QPR it looks like. WSC reminds us of his acid-fueled trip to ASDA:

Ryan Babel looks like he may be signing for a London club – let’s hope there is a decent Asda nearby: youtu.be/aLPBAicawWo

— When Saturday Comes (@WSC_magazine) August 31, 2012

9:07 AM Oh! I forgot to mention Nicklas Bendtner leaving Arsenal (via his loan detail at Sunderland) for Juventus. What I find most compelling about this story is how Bendtner is still only 24 years old. Football’s a weird sport. And I really hope Juventus are able to finally retire the BENDTNER JOKE. 9:02 AM In case you want to see what this all looks like live and in Italian:

If you want to watch how deadline day in Italy differs with that in England, tune in here bit.ly/OxPRV0

— James Horncastle (@JamesHorncastle) August 31, 2012

And while the Italian side of things is a little quiet, Marco Boriello is apparently on his way to Genoa from Roma.

9:00 AM

That’s right, it’s Transfer Deadline Day! When those dangly bits left over at clubs that have long since moved on bounce through rumour after rumour only to wind up at Hamburg like a steel plinko ball forever disappearing down a small hole.

The day when reporters make jokes about fax machines, and that weirdo on Sky Sports News stands around various football grounds on a cell phone and makes jokes and generally allows us to feel better about it all.

So why is this Live Blog different from all the others? It’s written by me is the only answer I can think of at the moment. Also, I’m posting this:

As I have better things to do than get up at 5:00 in the morning, we’re already midstream here in all the alarmingly slapdash action, so here’s what you’ve missed:

• Berbatov to Fulham — SORTED(ISH)!
• Andy Carroll to West ‘am — SORTED! (ON LOAN!)
• Andre Schuerrle — BEING SORTED!
• Scott Sinclair to Manchester City — DEFINITELY SORTED!
• Van der Vaaaaaaart to Hamburg — SORTED!
• Charlie Adam to Stoke — SORTED!
• Joao Moutinho to Spurs — WILL PROBABLY NOT BE SORTED!
• Hugo Lloris to Spurs — WELL, THAT’S WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL!

Also Maicon’s gone to City, and…some other stuff.