Hello, “gamers” (that’s the right one, right?). I’m writing this post out of a contractual obligation because the good folks at Konami were kind enough to invite me to play their little game, Pro-Evolution Soccer.
While my hardcore fundamentalist Zoroastrian beliefs were a little offended by the game title, as far as video games go it was a pretty enjoyable experience. You press a button, and a tiny player does something on a screen. You score goals, and you win the game! That I was able to do this against the guy I played against for ten minutes is either proof that anyone can play, or that he was trained to go easy on his ‘marks’ to get them to write positive reviews.
If so, mission accomplished!
The graphics looked nice, with more than one ‘uncanny valley’ experience watching Ashley Young, who still played for Villa—er, West Midlands Village—in this tidy alternate universe. On that note, I very much enjoyed the generic, non-rights affiliated names in the “English League” (so much less faux-pompous than that scone-scoffing ‘Premier League’ nonsense). There is a delicious, piss-taking reductionism at play with “Man Red” and “Man Blue” (“the woman is…SMAR-TER!”). And why Swansea is not known as ‘Swearcle’ in real life is utterly beyond me.
But this is a game for people who need to play a soccer sim that is extraordinarily, perhaps even unnecessarily, true to the almighty game of football. What that means in practical terms is the weeks, if not months-long memorization of button sequences. I am a person for whom “going to the bathroom” is a euphemism for “checking my email,” so this is not on.
Still, I hate fancy-pants tricks in football, and I certainly don’t need them in video games. All that matters for me is having a single button for a reckless slide tackle in order to accrue as many red cards as possible after leading by more than three goals. For this option alone, PES earns four stars.
lies, game is garbage, if you can’t license teams, don’t make a game, or at least try to make it arcadey(that’s a word, cuz fuck you). player models are too robotic, everything is too sticky(passing and what not). 1 out of 5 and what I say is final. also, I clearly haven’t played it but I have seen enough video to know it’s still a piece of shit.
I think you’ve said it before, that you don’t play video games. If I’m wrong sorry, but I think it’s really stupid to have people who haven’t touched a football game all years to give consumers a review, I mean really 4 stars, better be 4 stars out of 50 because this is a shit game. but if you don’t play these types of games and only played a match I can see how you might be persuaded to think that it is quite good. This really upsets me because you might persuade someone to buy this nonsense and ruin their life forever. why do people buy these games? I can think of three, shenanigans with friends, career mode and online. career is shit because rosters are wrong, and no licensing. I guess you could have a good time with friends but thats more about the friends than the game, because in my opinion the game is too complicated to play casually, you have to manually send players on runs, that ridiculous first touch control that makes every touch perfect(because that’s so realistic, not everyone is barcelona) and meticulous shot placement controls. as for online, it’s to simple and repetitive, and you’re not working towards anything. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t think you are qualified to make a judgement on the game nor did you play the game enough.
Wow comments! lol
@ tinman1330 & smethead – Whats the pass button ?
I have bought FIFA for years, even when PES was considered the better game. But I still download the PES demo every year, and sadly every year it fails to convince me to switch.
Not sure which is worse, me taking the time to actually reply to this drivel of a review or that Whittall took the time to post it.
Definitely the first one.