By Alex Netherton & Andi Thomas

In the same way that some television series are tedious until a flurry of excitement in the last few episodes, the Premier League gave nothing interesting in the slightest this weekend. It was the same series taken to the next logical step. Nothing that wasn’t on the cards occurred. This is it, this is happening, and due to contractual arrangements, several hundred words will follow on the same plots with the same people. Let’s all say it together: I love football journalism. I love that the internet has no space constrictions.

Manchester United in falling behind and coming back strongly but not quite winning shocker!!!

As ever in the Premier League, Manchester United started badly. They went 2-0 down to an impressive Tottenham Hotspur. Could we see it coming? Yes. Manchester United have the players to make sure that they can score when necessary. They have the lack of heart meaning they rarely start a game well. They have a lack of technical midfield players able to keep the ball under pressure. They have a manager who can administer the mother of all bollockings to improve a second half performance. Spurs, for their part, have been improving under the increasingly competent Andre Villas Boas. They have Gareth Bale who plays best when he’s got an audience. They have a midfield that presses its opponents, and they have a degree of self-belief. Was this inevitable? More or less. Hoo-rah.

Arsenal in losing to a top four team and showing signs of ability scandal!!!

Could we see it coming? Yes. Arsenal played with Gervinho up front. This is of course very, very funny, but it’s been signposted for a year that he is not a striker who thrives on his own up front. He didn’t in France—though he was very good—so there was no reason to think he would now. Chelsea have a surfeit of creativity, and are still physically dominant over most Premier League sides, and have some ridiculously expensive new players. Arsenal have a lot of average defenders who are either not ready for the Premier League or never will be. They have a culture of defeat that has not been expunged. Was this inevitable? More or less. Hoo-rah.

Manchester City in underperforming but overcoming the weaknesses of their manager outrage!!!

Roberto Mancini is a fraud who doesn’t know how to win convincingly away, and is so insecure that he’s knackered his defence with self-conscious tactical meddling. Could we see it coming? Yes. It meant they fell behind to Fulham, who are basically nothing special. Of course, they have a billion pounds worth of investment, so there’s only so much that Mancini can do wrong. Put all that money on the pitch and the gap is so huge that the talent of the players will eventually make the difference. It all comes out in the wash in Europe when this is the case for most sides, but who cares? It’s three points this week. Another title on goal difference is on its way. Was this inevitable? More or less. Hoo-rah.

Liverpool in humping of an insipid and calamitous Norwich side furore!!!

Of Luis Suarez’s 20 league goals, six have come against Norwich. This peculiar prejudice dates back to a barbecue three years ago, when Suarez mistook a jar of Colman’s for that insipid American stuff, ladled it all over a hot-dog, and spent the next two hours with his mouth under a tap, weeping. A real cultural misunderstanding. He’s never forgiven them, and this was definitely inevitable. Hoo-rah.

Other teams in being incredibly boring because the Premier League is mainly a slog AND not fun crisis!!!

It happened in several cities, with most of the spectators looking casually at their wrists, and considering introducing them to a hot bath, a bottle of gin, and razors.

A question for the relevant authorities: how many lives must be lost before something is done?

Breaking news!!!

Finally, Neither of the two players in the Premier League who have been done for racial abuse in the last year were reported for anything outrageous. This is actually a bit of a surprise, to tell the truth. Maybe there is progress, after all. Does the absence of racism count as fun? Because it’s the best we’ve got this weekend. See you next week!!!