Lionel Messi has scored 86 goals so far this year. Have you heard? Have you watched the Youtube videos? Have you unsuccessfully baked a sponge cake with his face on it in homage to him only for it to come out looking like a swollen Jack Nicholson in The Shining, half axe murderer, half miscellaneous poison block you end up giving to your brother under false pretenses? Everyone has—there isn’t much good on TV at the moment—but it doesn’t change anything, the fact remains that Messi hasn’t ‘taken’ Gerd Mueller’s record for the most goals in a calendar year, he’s stolen it. Mueller deserved the record—Messi simply does not.

At first glance Messi looks to be beyond reproach. He’s the greatest player of all time, a joy to watch, and his personality isn’t at all abrasive. He’s even overcome the adversity of being really, really small as a kid. He ticks all the boxes. I’ll even admit that at second glance you get the same impression. Also at third. And, yes, at 468th too, if you’re prepared to dedicate your weekend to trying to expose this bastard as a bastard, as I was (hence the lateness of this column and, overblown lawsuit still ongoing, my latest restraining order). But let me tell you something: once it gets late enough at night you realize that being that far beyond reproach is itself worthy of reproach. Bam. Right there. That’s where it is. Like the critically-acclaimed (I criticise, therefore I am a critic) second season of The OC, he’s just too perfect.

Now, in terms of creating a coherent, objective argument against Lionel, this angle might be difficult to justify—if someone achieves perfection based on criteria you yourself have set out for them, criticizing them for that achievement after the event seems nonsensical at best. Luckily, within the terms of a petty, contrived argument it fits nicely, so I win and will continue.

Aside from being fundamentally worthy of reproach for being beyond reproach, there’s the obvious, ugly-looking dent in his latest goal-scoring record. Eighty-six goals this year: great, but couldn’t those goals have been given to people who need them more than he does? Who’s thinking about The Children in all this? Eighty-six goals and he didn’t donate a single one to charity. Sure, he’s probably dedicated goals to good causes, but charity is about sacrifice. No, it is. Dirk Kuyt, famous for his charity work, actually gave up all of his talent to needy kids, leaving him a husk of a footballer, barely able to kick a ball—has Messi even offered? Give some goals to the kids, Lionel, then maybe we’ll be able to take this whole ‘nice guy’ façade more seriously.

How much more of what we know about Messi is based on a lie? The beard, for one. Pencilled on every morning, Messi isn’t kidding anyone. I don’t like criticizing anyone for the way they look, so that’s not what I’m doing here, it’s the duplicity which I can’t stand. If you can’t grow a beard which doesn’t come out looking like overused Velcro, that’s fine, but don’t draw one on. It’s pathetic and deceiving. And what’s more, it’s a symbol of Messi the Liar which we now have to superimpose onto the rest of his life. If he’s drawing on the beard, logically he’s probably also distributing Class A drugs to kids. If he’s doing neither, then I suppose I can expect another letter from his lawyers.

Lies and not giving away goals. Now we’re getting there. Still a way to go though. On Sunday, as he thieved Mueller’s record without a hint of remorse, Messi plunged a second knife into his back, suggesting with extreme and, knowing this arsehole, probably genuine humility that the two goals he’d just scored to take him to the record were very nice, but that, of course, the win for his team was the most important thing. This is a player who thinks he’s too good to be arrogant about how good he is—it’s a pure form of arrogance if, again, you think about it for long enough. It’s arrogance from the Matt Damon School: he’s so full of himself that he thinks he can afford to act like a nice, genuine guy instead of a boastful narcissist like everyone else. Stunning arrogance.

More arrogance? An anecdote I haven’t heard about Messi but that I assume to be true is that he once told Pep Guardiola that he was a prepared to play in any position for him—the obvious implication being that he thinks he’s better than any other player on the pitch in any position. After that, you can see why David Villa supposedly hates him. It’s not the sleep-addled paranoia of an inferior player, it’s the truth: Messi thinks he can play in everyone else’s positions and has plans to do so. Is he sexually excited by the idea of forcing unemployment onto all of his teammates? I think we all know the answer to that, only for legal reasons I can’t say here.

This isn’t someone who deserves another record. Messi’s a secret narcissist, a pencil-bearded fraud and he may well but (for legal reasons) DEFINITELY DOESN’T sell drugs to The Children. It may be contrary to any and all empirical evidence, but these were all reasons why this new record was stolen, not earned. “Eighty-six goals” indeed, Mr Lionel.

And they said my dissertation thesis was spurious.

A note on violence at football grounds

With Messi successfully dethroned, I feel on good enough form to tackle an even bigger issue. Sunday’s City-United game took in some crowd trouble. Nine people have been arrested in the aftermath and, in addition to having to escape a Manchester City fan running onto the pitch to try and attack him, Rio Ferdinand was also hit in the face with a coin thrown from the stands. Incidents like these are difficult to respond to: beyond the absolute nutters who are easy to dismiss, saying that the odd flash of trouble in the stands is the worst thing in the world risks falling into the ‘let’s sanitize football’ camp, whilst arguing that maybe the trouble in the stands added to the drama has you on the side of some people you might not want to spend long talking to in a pub.

As such, I’ll dodge the issue entirely and point out that on the replay of Ferdinand being hit, for a moment, it did look like he’d just poked himself in the eye by mistake as he went to lift his shirt up over his head. The hilarious illusion was only ruined when you saw the blood pouring out of his face, because even Rio Ferdinand wouldn’t bludgeon his own eye until it bled. You’d think. Did he? Did he? Maybe he did?

It certainly would have made life a lot easier for all of us if he had just hit himself in the face, but obviously Rio Ferdinand is too selfish to have retrospectively effected that in the event of the coin assault.

Comments (20)

  1. Messi’s a pretty big twat sometimes too; ask David Villa.

    • Yeah, especially when Messi goes out of his way every game to help set up other players after the first 1-2 goals.

  2. I was actually hoping that this article would shed light on the fact that, and I feel I’m the only one who thinks this way, Messi would not have broken this record if he played in Serie A, EPL, or Bundesliga..

    Aside from the fact that Barcelona is in fact an incredible team with arguably the worlds greatest talent, specifically their midfield, Having two, MAYBE three teams that are “competitive” in La Liga does not make this record something to be applauded.

    Before you go all crazy on me, YES, to be able to put the ball in the back of the net IS very important and is not given as much credit as it deserves, and YES, to do so 86 times thus far is equally very very impressive, but not against garbage defenders and technically unsound teams.

    I’m really hoping I’m not the only one who thinks this way about this record…basically, I feel that if Messi played in EPL or Serie A, defenders would be all over him (feel free to make the argument that defenders have to worry equally as much about other players on the Barcelona team, so to be able to focus on Messi specifically will open up other holes in the team…blah blah blah)

    • I hope you’re the only one that thinks this way, cuz it’s fcked up. ronalda and Messi have competed in the same league for the last how many seasons. Each and every single year Messi has whipped ronalda’s plastic ass in every footballing detail. So what do you think would happen if Messi went to Italy, Germany, or england? Messi would score MORE goals in england. Teams like southampton?? reading?? qpr??? aston villa??? More than 2 thirds of the english league are $hit. The rest are just mediocre. Messi would score a hatrick against each of those teams and a brace against every other. Real Betis is a tough place to go to and play. Real Valladoid is difficult to go to. Levante is difficult to go to. More of the Spanish “lesser” teams would kick the english lesser teams asses. Barcelona just blows all these teams away and makes it look like all these teams are $hit.

      Messi would kick stoke’s asses. They’d be so scared of him that win they win the ball they’d refuse to try and counter attack hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

      Have you SEEN what Messi has done to Ramos, Marcelo, Pepe, Roberto Carlos, Vidic, Ashley Cole, the entire Spanish midfield and German defence and countless other defenders???

      “He’s as constant as the northern star”

      hahahah talks about La Liga not having “technically sound teams” and proposes Messi will have tougher times in england hHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      • Didier Drogba – I think Messi is probably the slightly better player, but I’d just like to point out that a couple years ago Ronaldo outscored Messi, and Messi fans pointed out that Barcelona won all the trophies. Then last year Messi outscored Ronaldo, and it became unimportant that Real Madrid won all the trophies. I don’t think that counts as year in, year out, whipping his ass in every footballing detail.

        • You are wrong. CR& never outscored Messi since he won the BdO in 2008. In 2010-11 both had 53 Goals, but Messi had double the number of assists.

      • You make a good point about the lesser Liga teams beating the lesser Premier teams. It’s true. Levante and Real Betis and even Espanyol (this year’s results notwithstanding) would wipe the floor with the likes of QPR and Stoke and Norwich and Aston Villa. Spanish football is just superior, style-wise. The Premier League may be able to pour out defenders, but so can La Liga.

    • Whilst I agree with you that Messi may not have scored 86 goals in the EPL, he tore apart Man Utd in the champions league final a couple of years back, so it’s hard to say. Then again, their centre back is so uncoordinated he poked himself in the eye celebrating and had Gary Neville superimpose a coin on the screen. So maybe that’s a bad point.

    • the bundesliga of muller’s time wasn’t exactly world class and he was on a pretty ridiculous bayern team, same thing applies for both players.

  3. Excerpt:

    The Atletico coach that night, Quique Sanchez Flores (Di Stefano’s godson, no less) added that: “Everyone who saw Alfredo play says that he utterly revolutionised football with his style and his influence on matches. Well, Messi is the Di Stefano of the 21st Century and Leo knows enough about football to understand what an honour that comparison is.”

    =)

    Conclusion:

    Messi is among the greats, while forever ever ronalda will be mentioned as better versions of bale, nani, quaresma hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • why does everything relate back to Ronaldo? you clearly feel as if you need to prove that Messi is better than Ronaldo which means you clearly recognize that Ronaldo is a great player. Finally your name drogba why?

  4. Thank you! Finally, recognition for my deeds.

  5. You got nothing on Messi. Halarious read though.

  6. I’d just like to give some credit for Joe Hart, who stepped in to stop the fan from getting to Rio when Rio was tending to his wound. Extra credit since this was moments after giving up a late winner and he had the awareness to what was going on.

  7. wow !!!! why do u guys always have 2 mention cristina ronalda & drogba … & your hornyness for EPL soccer … SMH ….

    1st all the best players play in La Liga, theres a reason why ronaldo left man U & messi will never wear that ugly chelsea or liverpool shirt because la liga is the #1 league today

    give messi his credit for breaking a great record & winning so many championships .. yet hes only 25 so expect more records broken in the next 5 years+

    & if u say he cant win without xavi or inesta then tell pele & maradonna the same thing when they won their world cups, those brazilian & argentina teams had great talented players who helped pele/ maradonna look better & score more

    HANDS DOWN … VIVA LA PULGA MESSI … VISCA BARCA Y VISCA CATALUNA

    • how can you say that la liga is the best league? the talent disparity is ridiculous. ronaldo left for money and well with messi we’ll have to see.

  8. Is the real issue here not that I had to fork out £75 quid for a radiohead ticket this year and they didn’t even play creep?

  9. The worst article ever. Definitely. Just stop writing, go and open your ass for Müller. While everyone is talking about how great is Messi and while he is the main reason of unbeaten record of Barca, you must have written this for having some hits for the blog. I stop following this blog. Hope you get fucked just because being so jealous and stupid and also judging his appearance.

  10. well written article completely tongue and cheek which everyone on this board missed. As much as I hate to admit it finding faults with Messi is like finding a needle in a haystack……..Still prefer Ronaldo as a player though.

  11. Some guys just can’t find a defect in this little guy so they start to bad his goods. I always believed WOMEN have the jealousy hormones, never ever thought MEN will follow the attitude. what a shame!

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