Ball of Gold Awards!

So I watched this. It started with Sepp Blatter saying players should stay on the pitch to suffer racist abuse because of Afghanistan or something, then there were some Brazilian Capoeira dancers who had no shirts and kicked the air for a while. A long time you might say.

Then Ronaldo (the fat, good one) started talking about infrastructure. Then a dancing stuffed Armadillo came out. Ronaldo kissed it, and Jarome Valcke said it represented the importance of nature of something, then he said it was cute and put his arm around it.

Then at that point, I noticed Kay Murray’s dress was pretty kick-ass.

Then we saw a cool montage of old players scoring goals, which was great because it reminded me this whole thing was about football. Actually, this was easily the best part of the entire night.

Then they announced the FIFA XI, which was basically the Spain/Barca starting XI with some Real Madrid chunks and Falcao. FIFA pretty much hates England and the Premier League. Ronaldo told a child that to be as good as him he just had to work hard and be humble. Magic.

Then Pia Sundahge won the FIFA Womens Coach of the Year, and she wore a shirt that had words on it, and she sang some country song, which WASN’T AWKWARD AT ALL. Then Ronaldo’s special montage aired, in which he was referred to as a “weakling” as a 7-year old by someone, which I hope wasn’t his father.

At that point Blatter talked for too long and gave an award to a very orange looking Franz Beckenbauer. I didn’t listen to his speech. Whatever, the Kaiser is awesome. NASL got a nice shoutout in Beckenbauer’s montage.

Then Iniesta had a montage in which his wife said his life would be complete once he has a son, because Iniesta is a king of some sort and needs an heir I guess.

Then a guy from an oil-rich Gulf state talked about fair play very badly, and Uzbekistan won a fair play award for reasons I can only hope are grounded in empirical reality.

Then Messi’s montage told us his contract for Barca was signed on a napkin. My will is written on a napkin, btw.

Then Amy McDonald reminded me not to buy an Amy McDonald album.

Then the three nominees for the Woman Player of the Year hung out on a bench together and had some laughs for the camera while they asked each other softball questions, and I wondered where in the living hell Christine Sinclair was. Then Abby Wambach won and basically all the Americans on my Twitter feed teared up and cried, and pooled their tears into a giant ice cube tray, and then coloured the ice cubes with red, white and blue food colouring. I’m just kidding—there’s no such thing as white food colouring.

Then Messi won and Ronaldo looked comically sad, again. Then it ended.

Comments (20)

  1. you didn’t impart the absolute pain that anyone watching the awards went thought. Holy mother of johan cryuff that was an awful show.

    you do a service to all those who might think they want to watch their Tivo of the awards show. #nobelprizenomination

  2. It is done.

    ronalda has now shown his true potential…clapping his “humble” heart out in the front row for the 4th successive time.

    Messi: Greatest footballer this world has ever seen.

  3. Messi is the first guy since Platini in 83 to win the Ballon d’Or without winning the domestic league, a continental trophy or an int’l trophy. Just some food for thought.

    • There’s so many lil interesting facts that’re coming out, it’s ridiculous…for instance:

      “Last year, Messi was more likely to score 2 or more goals than be shut out.”

  4. Y’all know I love Spanish footy and it’s players…

    But how on Earth Hummels, and Lahm aren’t on the FIFA XI team instead of marcelo, and Pique, even Alves…beats me.

    • Titles, my friend. Titles. It’s the only language FIFA knows (except when it comes to the Ballon d’Or, apparently).

  5. Wow…that lil highlight of michael owen scoring and him being mentioned as the 2001 Ballon d’Or makes me think…that year must’ve really been a terrible year for footballing talent hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    I guess Richard has no appreciation for capoeira =(

  6. ronalda has possibly 1-2 years max. to stay in the top 3…Messi & Iniesta will take the rest =)

    Bye bye ronalda!! You will be remembered for a good 2008, and mediocre everything else hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  7. ronalda, CNN, and pedro pinto really need to revamp their campaign for next time

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Pirlo should’ve been in there instead of Xabi Alonso…

    If anything…Iniesta deserves to win it at least once.

    Champions leagues, World Cup, Euros…he’s won everything and been absolutely crucial to everything he’s won. Undoubtedly, 2nd best player on the planet.

  8. Thanks for posting another 100 comments with a million “ha’s” in them…

  9. What a twist!

    Surprisingly the award for the best footballer goes to the best footballer…Lionel Messi!

    SHOCKING!

    Little Kid: “So ronalda, can you tell me how to be as good as you?!”

    ronalda: “work hard and be humble.”

    *followed by warm round of applause*

    Approx. 10 min. later…

    *Screen shows him celebrating a goal without his team mates by showcasing his waxed, naked leg for all the world to see all the while pointing at it profusely as if it’s going to be gone any second*

    Hmmmmmmmm….seems legit.

    epl fans can’t seem to figure out why there’s no good players in their precious little league hahahahah

    Oh! What about Yaya, Aguero, RvP?!?!?

    Shut it. I, Didier Drogba, had a way better season than all y’all and you don’t hear me complaining.

  10. I guess Richard doesn’t want to write a sole piece dedicated to the one of the most historical moments of the greatest game…I guess that’ll be left to the better journalists lol

    Michael Cox =)

    I know you like facts and stats Richard…why not do a lil presentation so I can see where you think ronalda is better? That way we can correct your thinking =)

    Iniesta is the fulcrum of two of the greatest teams in the history of the sport. ronalda will just be a faded mention in the history books.

  11. Wow drogba can u leave a few more comments? I really want to know more of what you think…

    • U mad liverpool will never win another Champions League?

      Or are you a celtic fan…lol it’s tough when so many clubs have the same anthem hahahaha

      JK bro, I <3 Suarez.

  12. “Record books read:

    Most goals in a single season: Messi (72) 2012
    Most goals in a league season: Messi (50) 2012
    Most goals in a champions league: Messi (14) 2012
    Most goals in a single CL game: Messi (5) 2012
    Most goals in a calendar year: Messi (91) 2012
    so on and so on…
    Plus Club World Cup (again), European Super Cup (again), Spanish Super Cup (again) & Copa del Rey…again.

    Ballon d’Or 2012: ronalda!??! “

    • I think Messi deserves the award this year, but I’d just like to point out that I think it was in 2011 when Ronaldo broke the record for goals in a La Liga season, but it was discredited because Messi’s team won the league. The opposite happens and Ronaldo gets no credit for his team winning the league.

      Now feel free to respond to this post 7 or 8 times Didier Drogba.

  13. ronalda dresses pretty well to come last place every year doesn’t he?? hahahahahaha

    “Iniesta is 3 times better player than Ronaldo.
    Messi is clearly the Best Player in the World.
    Ronaldo, at this time, I would make him 5th or 7th.
    His problem is just like Stirling Moss in the fifties. He was a terrific driver, his problem was that he lived in Fangio’s era, so he never won the World Championship.
    My vote for this year? Messi, Iniesta, Other…”

  14. “Messi should get 100% of the vote by the way. He is 3 times better than ronaldo. Messi can dribble, and pass better than ronaldo. Ronaldo is slightly better at pks and much better in the air, but the game is played more often on the ground. Ronaldo is way overrated as a free kick taker which on you tube the video showing how bad ronaldo is at free kicks. I think ronaldo scored one last year and one this year from free kicks. Messi can bend it around a wall, and ronaldo cannot do this. Futhermore, Messi gets waaaay less freekicks and seems to produce more moments of awe and magic, he’s incredible.”

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