So I watched this. It started with Sepp Blatter saying players should stay on the pitch to suffer racist abuse because of Afghanistan or something, then there were some Brazilian Capoeira dancers who had no shirts and kicked the air for a while. A long time you might say.
Then Ronaldo (the fat, good one) started talking about infrastructure. Then a dancing stuffed Armadillo came out. Ronaldo kissed it, and Jarome Valcke said it represented the importance of nature of something, then he said it was cute and put his arm around it.
Then at that point, I noticed Kay Murray’s dress was pretty kick-ass.
Then we saw a cool montage of old players scoring goals, which was great because it reminded me this whole thing was about football. Actually, this was easily the best part of the entire night.
Then they announced the FIFA XI, which was basically the Spain/Barca starting XI with some Real Madrid chunks and Falcao. FIFA pretty much hates England and the Premier League. Ronaldo told a child that to be as good as him he just had to work hard and be humble. Magic.
Then Pia Sundahge won the FIFA Womens Coach of the Year, and she wore a shirt that had words on it, and she sang some country song, which WASN’T AWKWARD AT ALL. Then Ronaldo’s special montage aired, in which he was referred to as a “weakling” as a 7-year old by someone, which I hope wasn’t his father.
At that point Blatter talked for too long and gave an award to a very orange looking Franz Beckenbauer. I didn’t listen to his speech. Whatever, the Kaiser is awesome. NASL got a nice shoutout in Beckenbauer’s montage.
Then Iniesta had a montage in which his wife said his life would be complete once he has a son, because Iniesta is a king of some sort and needs an heir I guess.
Then a guy from an oil-rich Gulf state talked about fair play very badly, and Uzbekistan won a fair play award for reasons I can only hope are grounded in empirical reality.
Then Messi’s montage told us his contract for Barca was signed on a napkin. My will is written on a napkin, btw.
Then Amy McDonald reminded me not to buy an Amy McDonald album.
Then the three nominees for the Woman Player of the Year hung out on a bench together and had some laughs for the camera while they asked each other softball questions, and I wondered where in the living hell Christine Sinclair was. Then Abby Wambach won and basically all the Americans on my Twitter feed teared up and cried, and pooled their tears into a giant ice cube tray, and then coloured the ice cubes with red, white and blue food colouring. I’m just kidding—there’s no such thing as white food colouring.
Then Messi won and Ronaldo looked comically sad, again. Then it ended.