West Bromwich Albion v Aston Villa - Barclays Premier League

“Football is the most important of the less important things in the world.” -Carlo Ancelotti

PM Harper fails to get Obama to make Keystone Pipeline Guarantee, WAGs at summit meeting take the blame

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper failed to get a guarantee from US President Barack Obama over approval of the Keystone Pipeline project, a defeat which is being blamed on the presence of wives and girlfriends at the North American Leaders Summit last week. “It’s clear Harper was distracted in meetings, looked tired. I think this is a case of the presence of wives distracting players from their job in the meeting room, which was to extract an impossible political guarantee from a president with deep reservations over the environmental impact of a oil sands pipeline snaking through the American midwest,” explained University of Toronto political science professor Jorge Warkswarth. “Canada is the only delegation which permits the presence of significant others in the leaders hotels, a group who can be very distracting for their male counterparts by making constant demands for things like food and water.”

Freight company Radiant Logistics’ stock falls 6%; clearly an issue of confidence and attitude.

Radiant Logistics, the non-asset based transportation and logistics services company, experienced a major single day drop in share price last week. Though many believe this has to do with a complex number of factors including a slow economic recovery affecting North American shipping trends, the real reason, according to the Harvard economics professor Tor Reckstarb, is one of the attitude and confidence of its employees, and poor man management from CEO Bob Hines. “What is he telling these employees in the board room? Whatever it is, it’s not motivating them to increase sales over their competitors. He needs to push them a lot harder if they expect to come out on top. It’s clear the employees feel they can do whatever they want, they’re not disciplined out there. This is not how you win quarterly cycles.”

US economy way better than UK economy, fans say

Fans of the US economy voiced their opinions in an online forum somewhere, voicing their views on why the US economy beats the UK economy every which way you look at it. “It’s obvious,” wrote one anonymous poster. “The companies in the US economy are way more talented, they produce better products, they make bigger profits. If you pit the two together, the US companies would beat the UK companies every day of the year. Marks and Spencer? Whatever. They would be destroyed against Target.” Some backers of the UK economy disagreed however. “For one, the UK economy hasn’t been as strong for as long the US economy. People forget that the UK economy was there first. It’s annoying because you want people to shop local but they’re huge fans of much flashier US companies.” Another asked him his favourite UK company. “Ofgem. Ofgem til I die.”

Benton county policy makers decry use of data analytics in zoning ordinances

Planning officials in the mostly rural Washington state county today were outraged to learn of plans to use data analytics in order to pass better and more efficient zoning ordinances in Benton county. “This isn’t how we did it in the old days” said Benton chief planner Jerry Housman. “Zoning ordinances were a matter of feel, impression. It was an art. If it looked like farmland it was rural, if it looked like town land it was commercial. Now we have all these complex computers telling us what kind of state zoning codes to apply. It’s like they want to ruin the magic of granting commercial zoning permits.” It did have some boosters, however. “This kind of information will put us light years ahead of Walla Walla,” said one official. “Those guys are stuck in the dark ages.”

Check out this insane GIF of Mort Sanderson updating his Q3 EBITDA spreadsheet!

This. Is. Nuts.