I promise these Quick Fucks will actually be quick. Frankly, I’m pretty sure the post I made last night tarnished the good name Quick Fucks. It was a little more lengthy than I anticipated.

I mean, sure I said fuck a lot, but it’s just not enough. It’s never enough.

Griffin Mailing It the Fuck In
Richard Griffin has clearly earned a small dose of respect from yours truly, because in the title of this section I’m not implying that he’s been lying face down in a Tiajuana gutter, covered in his own vomit. That, of course, is just a title, because I actually do totally suspect that Griffin is most likely lying face down in a Tiajuana gutter, covered in his own vomit.

How else do you explain his lack of activity within the pages of the Star during the last couple of weeks? Or his shitty (even for Griffin), mailed-in articles about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens that were probably written during spring training.

Fess up, Rich, you fucking souse! You’ve missed the most exciting two weeks of the season!

Fuck it: Jays on CBC
Look, I might use the word fuck a lot– especially during Quick Fucks– but I just can’t figure out a way to work fuck into the above headline without it being really forced. The best I could come up with was Jays on CB-fucking-C. So fuck it. . . Oh, wait. Yes, I think that’s got it.

Anyway, you probably know by now, but the Jays will have 8 games on the CBC this season, plus 20-30 more in 2008. It’s expected that this century’s Chris Cuthbert, Jim Hughson, will supply the voice.

The Fucking Globe Scoops Us Again!
According to our buddy Robert MacLeod in the Globe’s blog, the Jays resident idiot savant, Brandon “Mensa” League, is making some serious progress and might actually be ready for a late June return.

Holy fuck! What is this unfamiliar hopeful feeling I keep getting about the season? Probably gas.

Phillips Fucks Phelps
Why is nobody talking about the play that setup Aaron Hill’s boner-inducing steal of home last night?

On a little dribbler to Stray-Rod that forced Frankie T at third base, Jason Phillps saw that shitty former Jay Josh Phelps was stepping in front of him to grab King Douche’s terrible throw. So Phillips, like any good catcher who runs slower than Dom Deluise (zing!), bowled into Phelps, knocking the ball loose and prolonging the inning.

Jason Phillips: Most Valuable Bowler.

What the Fuck Now?
You realize that when Roy Halladay comes back tomorrow night, he’s going to be on a pitch count, right?

First of all, please don’t get up in arms over this. I’m telling you now it will happen.

Secondly, Litsch is going tonight and Janssen, Accardo and Downs have been overworked lately.

What does this mean? Well, unless Litsch pitches like he did the last time he was at the Rogers Centre, in the next two days we’re either going to see a whole lot of Brian “Billy” Tallet, or the fucking dregs of the bullpen will be making an appearance– i.e. Towers, Frasor, Vermilyea, Wolfe, Dave Steib’s failed comeback attempt, a tin can, Victor Zambrano, Mike Sirotka, etc.

Fuck!

No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *