So it’s been a while since I’ve posted and that’s mainly because the Colorado media seem even less interested in Towers than we ever were so I got nothing. Also because a lot of this pre-season news deals with factual information about baseball and that’s something best left to the minds of Stoeten and Parkes (who’ve been fucking nailing it these past few weeks).

My job is dealing with the hypothetical and nonsensical. And with all the trade talks, the new faces we’re seeing here, the old faces we won’t be seeing here no more, the questionnable J.P. moves, the roid accusations and the loss of Towers to the Rockies, I’ve noticed a loss of morale among some Jays fans. And that’s when you start to wonder if there really are any heroes left in the game. The simple answer to that is: Fuck no.

If there is an outstanding player in the game who you admire, chances are he’s either totally juiced, or he drives to and from the game totally loaded, or he cheats on his wife, or he’s a complete asshole or he’s into child pornography. Let’s face it, professional athletes are a bunch of heartbreakers. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t delude yourself into thinking otherwise. Having a hero in the game is essential in keeping your faith during another season where, yeah, we’ll probably finish third again. But having a guy there who you just lose your shit for will have you oblivious to the standings, let alone the fact that it even has other players. It’s only now that Towers is gone that I’m learning the names of some of these fine folks we have here like Hank Thomas, Werner Wells, Alex Ross and Boy Holiday. Some of these guys are pretty good!

But aside from the delusions, a favourite player can simply elevate your viewing of the game to a higher plateau. And let’s face it, if you can’t name a favourite Jays player, you probably have no personality whatsoever. Plus, it makes for great conversation if you’re trying to get a girl in the sack — damnit, I just can’t bring myself to writing punch kitty.

So as we approach the 2008 season (which granted seems pretty far away with this fucking -25 degree wind chill), here are some helpful tips on how to successfully nab yourself a hero for the year. After all, as Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger and that fat fuck told us in that “Spiderman” song:

And they say that a hero can save us.
I’m not gonna stand here and wait.
I’ll hold on to the wings of the eagles.
Watch as we all fly away.

Wait a minute. What the fuck does that even mean? Not that I predicted that these lyrics would be profound or anything but that just doesn’t make any sense at all. It doesn’t even have anything to do with fucking Spiderman. I guess when you pronounce words in nu metal speak you can get away with anything. Awesome.

1. Be original, don’t pick a superstar

OK, that’s pretty much the only rule right there in terms of picking a favourite player. We’re just going to branch out from that with some tips on how to be original so that you don’t end up like this guy:

a) Don’t pick a superstar and claim credit for his awesomeness

Our friend over here (I’d say Brazillian friend but really, I’m not so sure) is demonstrating how you can commit a bigtime picking-your-favourite-player sin by not only choosing a soccer player who even Americans have heard of, but also pointing out for our benefit that Ronaldo is in fact “the shit.” Thanks for the update dickless! Nevermind the headband, this guy has douche written all over him and that’s not because I think Ronaldo is a douche (dude learned how to speak Dutch during his time with PSV and can still speak it!).

I also just went to the Leafs game on Saturday with Priestman (playoffs!) and my reservation of the Leafs and their fans as human beings was immediately heightened by some 40-year-old dude wearing a Sundin jersey who promptly stood up and pointed to himself when Mats Sundin’s name was announced for that night’s starting lineup. Dude, for real? You’re not Mats Sundin. I realize you spent over $200 to get a jersey pretty much the same as his that he gets for free but that’s where the similarity ends. The only reason for this behaviour would be if the guy was Mats’ long-lost Swedish brother. And he wasn’t. And Priestman and I promised each other that we’re going to be become San Jose Sharks fans next year.

If you still don’t get what I’m going after, consider the classic Offspring analogy. Remember when their second album “Smash” came out and you were stoked cause you were one of the 13 people who had their first album cause you saw one of their songs featured in a skateboarding video? And then you got to the title track with the chorus:

I’m not a trendy asshole.
I do what I want, I do what I feel like.
I’m not a trendy asshole.
I don’t give a fuck if it’s good enough for you.
Cause I’m alive.

And you thought they’d penned an anthem just for you and the other 12 people who bought that album? And then a bazillion other people bought that album and sang along to that chorus? Didn’t that make the band and the song somewhat less special if not completely irrelevant? Sure, if they were playing a gig at the Silver Dollar and there were eight people around, you could proudly sing along. But would you do that in a stadium filled with 40,000 morons singing the same thing? Think about it.

b) Don’t pick a player because everyone else likes him

Maybe it’s just me but I never pick popular players as my favourite players. While that probably makes me a total loser, at least I’m a unique total loser. I wouldn’t even say I don’t like to follow the crowd, maybe it’s just that I’m uncomfortable when I’m in crowds.

I certainly know that I didn’t want to “Be Like Mike” when I was in Junior High School and the photo to the left is one of the main reasons why (although part of me thinks this photo is self-parody, looks at the guy’s stache!). The other reason is that everybody loved the Chicago Bulls and I could never see the point in that. They won all the time. And usually due to heroics by Michael Jordan. While many found that to be admirable and a great reason to cheer for them (come to think of it, I guess it is), I found it to be horribly predictable and lame. And the worst part was most of these so-called fans didn’t have a clue about basketball (remember the fat dudes at your school who loved Jordan but couldn’t make a free throw to save their life? Is it fair to call that pathetic?) and would just join in with the winning team. I guess I was an indie rocker even then when I was into Motley Crue cause that just never appealed to me. What did appeal to my limited interest in basketball was the Celtics and Larry Bird. Now Bird was certainly a superstar, but unlike the exciting style of Michael Jordan, Bird was a boring fuck and although his talent was certainly recognized, no one wanted to associate themselves with his throws compared to the awesomeness that is slam dunks (read: showboating). All this is saying is that I was superior to all of my school mates and I never kissed a girl in Junior High School and I was probably a racist.

c) Don’t pick a superstar and then make fun of lesser players

As a Towers fan, I get a lot of this. And it makes me defensive to the point of losing my sanity. But seriously, you like a player who is blessed with natural talent you do not have and gets paid more in a month than you will see in your lifetime? Fine. But if you want to scoff at someone who actually reflects your life as his own life is a bitch and a constant struggle and nothing comes easy, you may as well be a Yankees fan.

d) If you are going to pick a superstar, have a reason

Alright, you can’t be bothered to waste your life like me and cheer for a total loser. At least have something to back up your choice instead of “He’s awesome.” We all know that you fuck, he does play for the Blue Jays. But what makes him special to you? Acceptable reasons are:

- he saved my mom’s life.
- he paid for my university education.
- he let me sit in his box seats because I was a sick.
- he absolutely destroyed the Kansas City Royals in some game in 2005 in about 85 minutes, allowing me to make it home and still do my laundry.

One of those reasons happen to be the reason why the Chairman Mao’s favourite player is Roy Halladay. I’ll begrudgingly accept only because I still feel he would hate Josh Towers even if he were to accomplish all four of these tasks.

e) Pick a farm team dude

I don’t really think you can go wrong with picking a new guy in the club. Unless he’s some overhyped fuckface like Eric Lindros was in the NHL, you got nothing to worry about. Your boy is an underdog right there, and we all know the underdog is always a superior call (if you don’t mind losing a bunch). Thigpen, Lind, Litsch and De Jong (because of his ancestry) are all admirable to root for. And the best thing is, if they do turn out to be bona fide superstars, you can claim all the credit you want for their glory. You played just as much a part of it and while they might not share any of their earnings with you, you can still be mighty proud.

f) Let your favourite player choose you

This is a tough topic and one that you’ve seen floating around in the comments section from time to time (mostly filled with my rants). I don’t think I’ve come close to ending the argument but ultimately, the fact that your favourite player is someone who chose you is not up for debate. A wise friend once told me: “You don’t choose your favourite player, they choose you.” So if you’re still at a loss, stop forcing it already and relax. You’ll know when the time is right. And if you don’t believe me consider the fact that as occasional contributor to DJF, the most asked question I definitely get (and it’s been asked at least twice) is: Why is Josh Towers your favourite player? Why the fuck do you think? It’s not like I had any choice in the matter.

Comments (1)

  1. LOL… Why is Josh Towers your favourite player? Why the fuck do you think? It’s not like I had any choice in the matter.

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