Good morning Jays fans.

Believe it or not, I woke up on this special day just as I normally do, and I’m not even referring to the pool of my own vomit or the random girl beside me. No, I’m talking about the wheezing boner that penetrated through two sets of sheets and a duvet.

However, this time, it was no ordinary erection. Thoughts of grandma and her man friend wouldn’t even allow this fella to subside. For this, my friends, was a baseball boner.

Yes, the first baseball boner since the end of September caught me a little of guard, but after all, that’s what Spring Training is for. So, settle down near your television, prepare your browser refresh click finger, turn on City TV, and let’s see if we can’t work out our EXCITED states together.

I heard from a reliable source that we won’t be disappointed today.

12:35 p.m.

Yes. We’re live from the Danimal’s. Already, I’m loving the graphics for every part of the game. The ceremonial first pitch always needs to be broadcast, especially when Cito Gaston uses his limp wristed tossin’ technique.

Oh, hey, it’s Jeremy Thomas the professional anthem singer. And an unironic U.S.A. t-shirt. Yes! I love America.

12:40 p.m.

According to Gord Martineau, fans are more fired up for the Jays this season than Kathryn Humphrie’s urine. Speaking of Humphries, I’d like to go on record as saying she is not attractive. She has all the sexual appeal of a drunk and suddenly amourous hockey mom. Nonetheless, that is a nice pink top.

12:43 p.m.

STTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRIIIIIKE ONE! We’re watchin’ baseball!

12:47 p.m.

Our reader Torgen says, “A booth behind the plate? I was hoping there’d be a couch under a palm tree for the broadcast booth.”

I was hoping everyone would be holding clip boards and hurrying around in the background like their early news broadcasts.

The Danimal wonders how they could refer to Exhibition Stadium as being intimate. Obviously, Martineau is using intimate because you can’t say shitty on the air.

Burnett pitches well in his first appearance of the Spring. Allowing only one hit, but committing an error on what would’ve been a beauty of a play by Lyle Overbay.

12:53 p.m.

The Jays are already in mid-season form at the plate. Three up and three down.

A lot’s being made of the fact that MLB.tv is simulcasting the City feed. As if Americans need any more reason to hate Canada.

12:59 p.m.

The first beers of the day are going down and is it wrong to think that Dickie Dickerson wouldn’t have gotten a triple if John McDonald was the cut off man.

Stoeten just pointed out a striking resemblance between Patrick Elster and Jerry “The King” Lawler. Obviously, Elster will now be referred to as The King.

1:02 p.m.

I’m at The Danimal’s house right now, and I was hesitant to show up here because I owe him $20 from the UFC fights last night. So, when I got here, I wrote out just the amount in a cheque and threw it at him.

If only the Reds stop hitting “opposite way pitches” the Jays might have a chance. Jay Bruce brings in the first couple runs with a double to left centre.

According to Martineau, wind chill is something we associate with snow . . . and Toronto.

1:07 p.m.

Hey, check out the threads Kevin Elster can afford since selling all those tickets to Detroit and Boston fans.

I really like Barb DiGuilio, and I like her even more when she sarcastically suggested that Jerry Howarth is looking over his shoulder with Martineau and “Whatever City TV douche” as Stoeten calls him.

Another Stoeten remark: Is A.J. Burnett pitching for both teams.

Hey, anyone see the sweater puppies cleav shot behind the dude who was flown down for the game?

1:12 p.m.

After seeing John Santana’s facial hair, I had second thoughts about buying home opener tickets, but after Lloyd Moseby was on screen telling Ryan Greer off for interrupting him, I’m back on board.

As Danimal mentioned insightfully, “This is really not a normal broadcast.”

I love how Jerry Howarth always looks like a horny, jockey nymph.

Lance Carter now takes over on the mound from one of the A.J.s. The Reds lead 2-0.

1:16 p.m.

DON’T TELL JERRY HOWARTH HE IS FROM ‘FRISCO!!!!!

Jerry Howarth = A hornier Colin Macharie.

1:19 p.m.

Check out the candidates for Herbal Magic directly behind home plate in the stands. One of them can’t even bring himself to attempt to button up the jersey over his tremendous girth.

1:22 p.m.
Stoeten here. Holy fuck, my head is pounding a little bit, and like for everything else, I dragged my sorry ass in here about 25 minutes late. I’ll be taking you through the next couple of innings or something.

1:23 p.m.
After missing the first batter again, Martineau tells us “somebody just popped up there, I’m not sure.” Thanks. Don’t these assholes know people are getting drunk here?

1:24 p.m.
Hey the Jays got a hit.

1:27 p.m.
Martineau really is an anal fuck about this wind stuff, huh? I can feel his skin crawling from here. Must be fun to work with.

Parkes says “nice contact.” Fuck, I forgot what a twat he is to watch a game with.

1:28 p.m.
The telethon continues, and Johan Santana’s facial hair graces us with another appearance.

1.32 p.m.
Jeremy Accardo can name all the players on the current Jays. And he’s got a sweet set of chompers. Kathryn Humpheries seems fairly useless without sexual tension.

Hey, here’s some useless bullshit… Guess what everyone, Frank Thomas is slow. Also, Humphries perhaps just useless.

1.33 p.m.
Zaun seems to have taken the “going into hiding” from steroid allegations to heart. He looks like he’s been living in a shack in Montana.

I’m sure that inning we just missed was pretty unimportant. Thanks for making the call for us there City.

1.38 p.m.
Reed Johnson gets a hit off Cueto. I don’t understand how he can be pitching, because I thought he died just before telling Quaid to start the reactor.

1:42 p.m.
JP is on an Humpheries tries to diffuse the sexual tension by asking about family. This is boring… until she asks about JP’s burger.

“You can have all the money in the world, but you have to have the bodies.” Oh, Martineau. The stories you could tell!

Parkes interjects that at least these guys have an excuse for being idiots. This is way more enjoyable than Campbell et. al.

1.47 p.m.
“Stairsy” is up. He nails it.

Holy shit, these assholes are talking about the Leafs. Where is that season ticket holder’s wife’s rack when you need it.

1.50 p.m.
We’re having some in-depth conversation here about a hat that looks like a wig but isn’t a wig. Fuck we’re awesome.

Time for a B, double-E, double “are you in?” Parkes will be taking over… sorry.

HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT SKIING ACCIDENT??? FUCK!

1:52 p.m.

I’m back after Stoeten finished stealing all of my jokes.

When they interviewed that old guy who was the first season ticket holder, I noticed that when anyone over the age of 65 speaks, all I hear is the wawawawawa from the Charlie Brown cartoons.

Other observations: While Jamie Campbell is terrible, at least Martineau and the bald douche Hugh have an excuse. They never cover the Jays. Still, I’d rather listen to these chuckle brothers simply because it’s hilarious how awful they are.

Don’t get me wrong though. These guys are terrible.

1:57 p.m.

Earlier Martineau and Hugh were talking about how Gregg Zaun is a bit of a baseball historian. He even owns a bat that was once used by Babe Ruth. If I had a baseball bat, I wouldn’t mind going into the broadcast booth and making a little bit of baseball history myself.

1:59 p.m.

It’s BEER O’CLOCK and Stoeten just arrived with reinforcements. He announces that he was carded for what was probably the last time. He should’ve told the guy he hasn’t been carded at The Beer Store since he was seventeen.

2:01 p.m.

Martineau sounds more and more like the senile grandparent you ignore at family gatherings and holidays.

2:03 p.m.

Yessireebob!! Even better than a ding dong. Buck Coats hits a home run and Lower Case X has so much grit, heart and gritty heartedness that he runs hard even after the ball goes over the fence.

The good guys are up 3-2.

More Ryan Greer. Where’s Jill?

2:06 p.m.

The weather is much better inside. Unless you’re inside Tony Fernandez’s face. Dude has worse acne than Jose Canseco’s buttocks.

Someone’s favourite player is Gregg Zaun, specifically because he chews gum. I love Toronto fans.

2:09 p.m.

When did Kathryn Humphries go to comedy school? What an amazing interview with Georgia’s second best export after stupidity, Dustin McGowan.

2:12 p.m.

More wawawawawawa from old season ticket holders. Barb DiGuilio is by far the only highlight of the telecast. She has managed to actually interview old people for feel good bullshit and not seem patronizing or full of shit.

2:14 p.m.

Martineau is really nailing it with such observations as, “Here’s a right handed hitter, after the left handed hitter.” I’m joining Mr. Sager in getting sick inside my own scorn.

2:19 p.m.

What the fuck does Gord Martineau know of oppression. Good to see the umpires are in midseason form, after Cummings nailed the strikeout the home plate umpire looked like he threw his arm four rows into the stands.

2:20 p.m.

Channel surfing: Checking out some OHL action. When did the Kingston Frontenacs adopt the Bruins look?

2:22 p.m.

Finally, after the last commercial break they show some of the “scenery” that Jeff Blair was talking about.

Thanks to Robbie Alomar for pointing out that it was Ed Sprague with the wad of gum, not Gregg Zaun. Zaun had a wad of rolled up cheques with no names on them.

Apparently, Jay Bruce has “Cabrera” on the back of his jersey and has changed the colour of his skin between innings.

Matt Stairs!!!! As much as we make fun of idiotic homer fans, I do have a soft spot for the half man half walrus. It’s below my chest and above my waist.

2:27 p.m.

Martine’s back makes another appearance, to show us some vintage Manny being Manny.

That was after Lyle Overbay, unbeknownst to Gord Martineau, morphed into Ryan Patterson and ran hard to score from second base, making the score 5-3 for “the good guys.”

Check out the pederast buying Budweiser for the jailbait after the commercial break.

2:31 p.m.

Nice work on the comments section, but if you guys could please be a little less funny than us, I’d appreciate it. Also, the 200th comment gets a beer on us.

2:33 p.m.

Kathryn Humphries just broke J.P. Ricciardi’s heart by informing him of her crush on Alex Rios. When Zaun was asked about any awkwardness in the shower with Rios, he told Humphries everyone knows he’s a stud.

Rios, smothered in A-1, just single-handedly changed my entire opinion of Kathryn Humphrie.

Now, she’s interviewing a couple of old sluts, and it’s sort of disturbing. I’m gonna go get my drink on, and Stoeten can come back and continue the disdain.

2:40 p.m.
Stoeten back again. Jesus fuck, Martineau is starting to lose it. I mean, he never had it, but whatever he had, he’s losing it.

The Jays couldn’t do City a favour and play someone useful, no? I mean, Buckskin Coats is alright (why he’s white is beyond me, but apparently I have a problem with that sort of thing). Speaking of, Travis Snider is up… but only after more fucking old people. Die already!

2:42 p.m.
Snider, according to Martineau is a “beefy” guy. Somewhere a robot says “Fans love it.” Other guy calls ol’ Buckskin “Ben Coates”. Somewhere the Patriots tight end from 1997 is smiling.

Parkes loves the sexy voice of Cito. And who wouldn’t? Am I the only one getting a boner? Well… other than Parkes. I’m drunk, so, yeah… you try to find something to type for four goddamn hours.

2:47 p.m.
THE KING!!!!!!!!!!!!

2:49 p.m.
Parkes hates gingers, did you know that? I just gave him a good talking to. (That’s gingers, not giners.)

Ernie is in the house!!!!!! Fuck I want to be shitfaced in the sun. I don’t even think that asshole knew the camera was on him. He’s just doing that for shits and giggles.

2.51 p.m,
Parkes keeps asking “who’s that?” Some minor league shitbag you fucking tool!!

2:52 p.m.
Buck Coates really fucking Shareefed that one. Unnecessary. And he blew it. Now we’re arguing over the spelling of Shareef. But the mood turns when we talk about what a bitch Chris Zelkovic is and how he’s going to have a field day with this shit– which I’d still take over Campbell any day.

2:54 p.m.
Some bullshit is happening. Parkes is telling us how he almost got into a fight last night. Also, he calls streetcars “trolleys”, yet he wonders why people think he sounds gay.

Apparently some homeless Vietnam vet pushed him. Whoopty fuck. Dude was wearing an Expos toque. I’d have put money on him… Did you guys know Richard Griffin used to work for the Expos?

2:56 p.m.
Danimal is watering his plant with some ice from a Big Gulp cup. I don’t think these assholes know I’m talking about them more than the game.

HOLY SHIT!!!! The umpire does a clusterfuck of a strike three call again. “That one looked like he just got killed in Mortal Kombat!” Parkes says.

2:59 p.m.
We’re talking about highschool now. This is really riveting stuff.

A friend of a friend apparently knows this broad– Frasor’s wife. She sounds dumb as shit. Apparently she cheated on some dude with Jason Frasor (who wouldn’t, if given the opportunity?), and is still going with him.

3:05 p.m.
Some technical difficulties here. What the fuck?

THE KING AGAIN!!!! LOOK AT THAT RING!!!!! KEVIN ELSTER’S BROTHER!!!!

3:08 p.m.
Archimedes when you were watching those videos of Snider in HS I hope it was on a friend’s computer. I don’t have time to post comments, but I’m sorry, that’s pathetic. I don’t care if you fucking figured out displacement.

3:10 p.m.

Did J.P. Ricciardi write The Game? You know, that book that douchebags buy to try to pick up women. I really love Strat-o-Matic, and that just changed.

As Danimal just pointed out, J.P. should never be shot from a profile angle.

Best observation of the day: The Strat-o-Matic and Star Wars guys aren’t that far apart.

Also, did KH actually just ask Ricciardi to go away with her to a Strat-o-Matic tourney.

3:14 p.m.

Well, it was nice to see the end of the game, there. Good job City TV.

3:16 p.m.

Oh yeah, it’s Parkes back at the helm.

“It’s really cool to see the things in my body, go into his.” What!?!?!?! As Stoeten just pointed out, this story was way better when we didn’t know that the kid’s cancer was in remission.

3:19 p.m.

I don’t know how, but Stoeten somehow made it to Dunedin in time to run the bases . . . with six year olds . . . while carrying a beer. Nicely done.

3:21 p.m.

We just saw that Peach TV are showing back to back Pacino films. Following this duality of awesome is Mr. Holland’s Opus. How much better would that movie be with Pacino instead of Dreyfus?

Stay tuned. We’re stayin’ with the broadcast ’til the end of the BBQ.

3:24 p.m.

I honestly thought that the sound of the leaf blowers is actually Frank Thomas’ stomach grumbling.

Well, this whole broadcast just went to shit.

I love how this is just like that Woody Allen joke about the two old broads who go to a resort and complain about the food the entire time. Their last complaint is that the portions are so small.

That’s sorta the way I feel about the City TV broadcast. As horrible as it was, I could’ve watched this all day long.

Also, I’m quickly developing a crush on Barb DiGiulio. If only I could spell her name properly.

3:28 p.m.

The Steve Miller Band is rockin’! Also, I saw ACE go by and the bird is clearly off his face.

3:31 p.m.

Can someone please give Barb DiGiulio a job on television. She is far superior to Humphries in every aspect of this broadcast.

How ’bout Jim Broadbent gettin’ wasted at the BBQ.

B.J. Ryan will not make eye contact with anyone. Humphries sorta makes me understand why some athletes, like Ryan, just don’t talk to the media.

The mic going in and out with B.J. made us wish that he was actually cursing out Humphries.

Big callout to Peterborough.

I’m pretty sure these two jokesters are totally gonna hit up those old broads from Peterborough.

Jason Frasor is now giving his thoughts on being engaged to a complete slut.

3:36 p.m.

Who is the old dude makin’ eyes at my lady Barb? I am not impressed.

3:38 p.m.

I called out seeing Ace’s aborted conjoined fetus, but then Stoeten pointed out it was actually J.P. Ricciardi.

3:41 p.m.

Aurora is not Toronto, Gara! Seriously! Nice chompers, Jays fans.

Okay, this is getting boring. We’re gonna start live blogging the O.C. Marathon on Much Music now.

Jesus, Carter! Simmer down on trying to pop the top with Kirsten.

3:48 p.m.

Jeremy Accardo looks right at home as a fry guy workin’ the grill. Also, Aaron Hill’s hairline is retreating faster than a German army that started a two front war.

3:50 p.m.

We want Shocker Guy to be our new correspondent. Also, Travis The Super Fan loves the Jays because it’s convenient? If that’s not a case of lowered expectation marriage, I don’t know what is.

It’s still hilarious to think that the dead sounds on Humphries mic are obscenities.

3:59 p.m.

Tank Abbott just tried to pick up Barb? What the fuck? Okay, I’m gonna focus on getting drunk and listening to Jays Talk. Stoeten is takin’ over while we listen to Wilner.

4:03 p.m.
Stoeten here. Wilner’s onto some bullshit about how he’s not going to live blog or even do anything tomorrow. Apparently the Fan’s website is going to be down for “repairs”. If that means not making it look like a piece of shit, that’s a good thing. True story, right before they got bought by Rogers my dad was going to host their site. I’m confident it wouldn’t have been the fucking clusterfuck that it has been if that were the case.

4:06 p.m.
Alright, well, I think we’re pretty much winding down this bullshit. I’m a little fucking loaded, so mission accomplished. I don’t know… I’ve got nothing left to say. Are you lames OK with that? Fuck… Parkes? Anything? … He doesn’t even know that Jay’s Talk with Jay Wilner has just ended, so… fuck him. What a useless twat. Oh, and apparently so am I. Alright, fuck this…

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