If you’re anything like me (it feels good doesn’t it?), you’re more amped about tonight’s home opener than an electric eel attached to Benjamin Franklin’s kite in a lightning storm.

It’s okay to get excited. We’re not all cold, calculated robot men with no souls. For some of us, there isn’t much more to live for than sitting on a hard plastic chair with a cold beer in your hand, watching pitchers from the stretch, listening to the crack of a bat and telling the racial minority in front of you to simmer down after they stand up and shout for every single motherfucking routine fly ball as though it’s a home run.

Baseball is back in our city and it’s our duty as fans to give it the welcome back that it deserves.

However, it’s also important to remember a few key things about tonight’s game.

1) Don’t Be A Total Douche To Ushers

Let’s be honest, you’re probably going to be incoherently drunk by the third inning, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a total douche to the usher who asks you not to stand up on your seat and holler at Mike Lowell to “go back to Florida and fucking shoot up, you Cuban faggot” in front of the two six year olds sitting in the row behind you.

Yes, a minority of the ushers and usherettes (purrlo!) are total power trippin’ cunts and cuntettes, but the majority are fans just like us. They’re already going to have to tolerate the shitload of Red Sox fans who are acting as though they’re drunk for the very first time because there’s a whole extra percent of alcohol in Canadian beer. Don’t be a shit in their cut.

2) Avoid Physical Confrontation

I know what you’re thinking. Pacifism is for pussies. Well, you’re wrong meathead.

Are you seriously in kindegarten or are you just not clever enough to think up derogitory comments to solve confrontations.

As I expressed earlier, there are going to be a shitload of poorly educated Masswads coming into our stadium. They’re going to adapt a bullshit blue collar attitude and over enunciate their Boston accent because they’re “prawd” of their step-above-poverty upbringing and complete ignorance of anything outside of their own self-congratulatory existence.

In other words, you’re going to want to punch the living fuck out of the first douche bag in a Youkilis jersey and moustache who challenges you to fisticuffs. Stay strong! Mock him. Make him feel small and stupid. Call him out for being a caveman who thinks the odour of pepporoni on his breath is charming.

If you have to fight, try to avoid fighting a guy in the row behind you. That one level of elevation can make a huge difference.

3) Read The Drunk Jays Fans Guides

Look, it’s likely been at least six months since you were at your last game. Even the best of us will be a little bit rusty. Fortunately, we’ve got you covered.

Check out the frame to the right of this post. Scroll down to between a shitty Google Ad and our blog archive. Right there you’ll find all the information you need to start your baseball season on the right foot.

Skip the guide to sneaking down because even the mightiest DJF can’t pull that shit at the home opener, and the reading guide was done soberly and ill advisedly . . . and the interweb guide isn’t really all that relevant . . . but the rest, yeah, the rest will tell you all you need to know from where to park your car, what beer to buy, what to do when you catch a foul ball and what to do with your foul balls.

Read it, learn it and love it.

4) Pictures And Videos

Remember when I posted the picture of that young girl with Jeremy Accardo and Brian Tallet, and everyone got all “oh, it’s okay to make fun of people in theory, but making fun of real people is crossing a moral line that I just made up, and I’m mentioning this not because I’m actually offended, but just because I recognize it as possibly being what other people would consider offensive?”

Well, you can get made fun of too.

Post your own favourite home opener pictures and videos on our Facebook Fan Page (because we’re trying to up our cool quotient), and we’ll select our favourites and post them on the blog, along with some derogitory remarks. The owner of the best picture or video, as subjectively decided by whichever DJF writer is more sober, will receive a special Drunk Jays Fans Experience invitation for the May 23rd game against Kansas City.

Actually, it’s just a couple tickets to the Royals game that some guy from Ottawa is going to send us, but if you want you can sit near us, and we might buy you a drink.

Check out some DJF Cam samplings to see what we’re looking for.

5) Final Warning

Don’t you dare fucking pass out!

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