Afternoons Are For Baseball

They’re moments away from the first pitch in Minnesota. If you’re anything like me, you’ve remembered about forty times that today was an afternoon game before ultimately forgetting until about 12:30 p.m.

Dustin McGowan starts for the Jays against young left-handed mediocrity Glen Perkins (but with a tremendous upside).

Of note: Kevin Mench is the starting left fielder today, and Shannon Stewart is DHing.

First Inning

Both sides get retired in order. Perkins isn’t terrible to watch pitch, and he works quickly with a lot of inside fastballs. I’ve had the former first round draft pick as a keeper in one of my fantasy leagues and this is the first time I’ve gotten to see him start. Fascinating, I know.

Top of Two

Scott Rolen continues to impress as the greatest Blue Jay ever with a hard hit single. Kevin Mench follows with a well hit ball that nears the gap, but Michael Cuddyer makes a diamond of a catch.

Speaking of diamonds, I took the Queen Street Car home last night around two in the morning, and wouldn’t you know it, there were some drunk dudes from Timmins on the trolley. As I mentioned in the Marty York piece, they came to the big city to find work as landscapers. That my friends, is what entrepreneurs call a brilliant business plan.

While I was enjoying the sound of my own typing, Shannon Stewart struck out, Lyle Overbay walked and Rod Barajas grounded out to third.

Bottom of Two

McGowan shows no real sign of trouble getting rid of the first two batters before Craig Monroe grits out a walk and Delmon Young gets hit by a pitch (and acts as though he was Damon Wayons getting shot in the hand in The Last Boyscout). Mike Redmond then grounds out to third to end the inning.

Top of Three

Brad Wilkerson gets on first after slapping one to left field.

Wilkerson has that same thing that Jason Giambi does. It always looks as though he’s suffering from a head cold or he just docked after three months at sea.

Aaron Hill walks to bring Alex Rios to the plate. On a well played hit and run, the ball gets through the infield and Wilkerson scampers home with ease. Rolen then follows by grounding into a fielder’s choice scoring Hill.

The Jays lead 2-0. Playoffs!

Kevin Mench flies out to second base.

Our buddy Beau is ready to blow his Air Miles wad at the Jays store. I’m still deep in thought over which jersey I’m going to buy this year. I’m leaning toward a Shaun Marcum, but I don’t want to be a bandwagon jumper. I bought my McDonald jersey way before it was fashionable to do so.

No, you’re petty.

Bottom of Three

Adam Everett pops out and McGowan walks Tolbert. Tolbert then steals second base before being moved over to third on a fly out by Brendan Harris. Jason Kubel walks to put runners on the corners.

Adam Everett refuses to choose his own music when he comes up to the plate because he believes it to be a political statement if he were to endorse one song over another. But if he had to choose he’d go with Fat Bottomed Girls.

Technically a wild pitch allows Tolbert to score, but Barajas seemed to let that ball get by.

Jays 2, Twins 1.

Jesus Christ! Another walk from A.J. McGowan. It’s all for nothing though because Michael Cuddyer flies out to end the inning.

Top of Four

Over on the radio side, Jerry is poking fun at Alan for referring to Marty Pevey as being elderly, while Ashby himself is a decade older than Pevey. There’s a nice bit of minor annoyance in Ashby’s voice when he asks Jerry to “put the whip away.”

After a one out single from Rod Barajas the Jays are playing King’s Corners again with Shannon Stewart on third.

And to Ron in the comments: It definitely counts as a no-hitter even if you allow a run. It also definitely counts against my opinion of you if you mention it while it’s in progress.

Marco . . . Scutaro fucks up and pops out to first base after working a hitter’s count. Wilkerson follows suit with a fly out, and the Blue Jays leave runners on the corners.

Last year, Scutaro had four errors as a third baseman in a game against the Mariners. Many believe this to be the most errors by a third baseman in a single game. However, Alex Rodriguez is a third baseman and every breath he takes to sustain life is an egregious error according to me.

Bottom of Four

Our friend John Brattain chimes in on someone in the comments talking about illegal downloads:

Actually it’s supposed to work like a torrent… the more people watch it… the faster it should stream.

Brattain replies: That’s not how it worked for me at the troughs in the Tiger Stadium restroom.

Hey-oh!

When I was at a Bills game as a twelve year old, I shyly took out my penis and begin pissing in a trough, well aware that the eighty year old man next to me was scoping out my member while it leaked. When I flashed him a dirty look, he said, “Hey, this is where all the dicks hang out, huh?”

Dustin McGowan retired the side again, but he’s thrown just under seven hundred pitches.

Top of Five

Perkins does more retiring than a Geritol drought. Jesus. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

Three up, three down for the Jays, but the score remains Toronto 2 and Minnesota 1.

Bottom of Five

McGowan walks the leadoff hitter.

Ron, who I poked fun at earlier, wonders why Aaron Hill and Alex Rios reek of shittiness. One term . . . mud darts.

McGowan strikes out Tolbert, but Harris singles to put runners at first and second with one out for Jason Kubel.

Kubel strikes out swinging, bringing up Justin Morneau.

Morneau lifts one over Wilkerson’s head. Adam Everett scores, but Wilkerson tosses it to Hill who throws a strike to Barajas, and he manages to lay the tag on Brendan Harris.

There’s been a lot of criticism pointed toward Marty Pevey this year as the third base coach, but am I wrong in thinking that the Jays haven’t been thrown out at the plate yet this year?

The tag on Harris is the third out of the inning. Jason Frasor is warming up in the bullpen, so McGowan may leave after five with the score tied at twos.

Top of Sixth

Commenter Jessica, a typical woman, doesn’t understand the finer things in life, like urinating in a trough at sporting events. You see, most public mens rooms have urinals, which the British pronounce “your-eye-nals.” As you can imagine, we dispense our urine, or gypsy water, there. Some of the older stadiums and arenas on the athletic circuit haven’t quite made the transition into the twenty-first century, and instead of urinals, offer an enormous trough for men to urinate into. The trough is usually gradually sloped so that gravity pushes the urine down a drain.

Honestly, it’s the great equalizer. Everyone sees everyone’s pee pees.

Perkins retires the side in order.

Bottom of Six

Jason Frasor enters the ballgame. The line on McGowan looks better than he actually pitched, but still, good on him for toughing it out when he didn’t have his best stuff.

Frasor induces a fly out from Cuddyer, but Monroe cracks a double off the reliever.

After Delmon Young grounds out to short, Mike Redmond draws a walk. Runners on the corners with two out for the diminutive, but politically correct, Adam Everett. Everett pops up to Overbay, and the Twins leave two runners on base.

The score remains 2-2.
Top of Seven (for reals this time)

Matt Guerrier relieves Glen Perkins. A nice outing for the youngster.

According to this shitty story, Guerrier likes to sport different types of facial hair and enjoys drawing in his spare time. I’m pretty sure the rest of the article was about a dream the writer had where he was like totally himself, but at the same time someone else.

After inducing Barajas to pop up, Guerrier gives up a single up the middle to Marco Scutaro.

Craig Munroe punishes the Jays for trying the hit and run by making an outstanding catch off the bat of Brad Wilkerson, and then tosses out Scutaro who had no chance at getting back to first base. He had pretty much already scored, gone to the dugout and hit the showers.

Bottom of Seven

Over on the radio, Alan and Jerry are talking about vertical leaps and their lack thereof.

I remember watching a basketball game and one of the commentators, in reference to an aging Hakeem Olajuwon, said, “You couldn’t slide the Sunday edition of a newspaper under that jump.”

Frasor handles Tolbert and Frasor. Gibbers goes to Brian Tallet in the ‘pen to face the lefty Jason Kubel. Kubel is from South Dakota, so he’s just a hick, not a racist redneck as his appearance would lead you to believe. According to his Wikipedia page, Kubel enjoys bird watching and fucking his couch.

He hits a single to centre, and with every step makes more money than me.

Morneau singles to left, but Marco Scutaro picks the ball up and guns down Kubel, who completely ignored the third base coach, and rounded the base heading for home. The Barajas tag ends the inning and Kubel still enjoys fucking the couch.

Top of Eight

This happened so fast, it’s basically a blur, but Guerrier handled his part of a three up and three down inning.

Snooze.

Bottom of Eight

Armando Benitez comes on to relieve Brian Tallet, and to think, I was worried about possibly having to live blog into extra innings.

The Spanish Armando is twenty-second all-time in total saves, and I really don’t know if that’s impressive or not. Cuddyer pops out to third base and then Monroe pops a shallow fly that Aaron Hill gets to.

Just before that pitch, the scoreboard operator fucked up and listed the count as two and two when it was really two and one. Because the Twins uses the same technical school for their operators as the Blue Jays, the umpire was confused and called Monroe out incorrectly.

Delmon Young grounds out to end the inning.

Top of Nine

After Mench fouls out, Shannon Stewart runs hard to first and forces an error that causes him to reach second. Time for the Twins to go to the ‘pen. Lyle Overbay will face Dennys Reyes with the go ahead run on second base with one out.

Hold up your Playoffs! sign.

Brad from the comments section asks, “Why is everyone so against Armando?”

I’m sure it has something to do with the inherent racism of Blue Jays fans.

Overbay strikes out and Rod Barajas leaves Stewart at second after grounding out.

Bottom of Nine

Benitez comes out for more action, ready to face Redmond, Everett and Tolbert. At some point, Carlos Gomez came in to replace Craig Monroe.

Jesse Carlson comes into the game to face Joe Mauer who replaces Adam Everett. Mauer’s uncle Ken is an NBA referee, and everyone thought it was his contract with the Twins that paid for his new house in Stanchfield.

Mauer grounds out to Carlson, and then Rolen stabs his glove at a hard hit ball down the line, and somehow came up with the ball for the third out.

The Greatest Blue Jay Ever ensures extra innings!

Top of Ten

More changes to the lineup cause a Joe Nathan – Matt Stairs showdown to lead things off in the tenth.

Nathan is well known for staying sharp through extreme mental exercises in addition to his physical workout. The Twins closer once walked over a bed of fiery coals as a sign of his mind power. Jamie Campbell will also walk over a bed of fiery coals just as soon as I learn his address, break in during the night and set fire to the hallway that leads to his bedroom before yelling, “Fire! Fire! Fire!”

Stairs and Wilkerson both went down swinging.

Dan asks, “Is it cool to brag about the fact that my sisters roommate is kind of sort of dating Jesse Carlson?”

Any way we can get some compromising pictures as part of a DJF exclusive?

Aaron Hill singles to centre, bringing Alex Rios to the plate and eliminating any hope I had for a Jays victory this inning.

Rios grounds out.

Bottom of Ten

Harris grounds out and Jason Kubel strokes a single while thinking about chesterfields. He’s replaced by pinch runner Alex Cassila. Jesse Carlsson then strikes out Justin Morneau.

Carlsson, once again doing an excellent job, will now give way to righty Shawn Camp. According to the radio guys, Carlsson has already appeared in eleven games this month. Eleven!

Camp walks Cuddyer. First and second with two out. Carlos Gomez comes to the plate.

Camp graduated from George Mason university. I don’t find the comedian Jackie Mason very funny.

What the fuck? I just watched Kevin Mench track a deep fly ball in left field and come up with an over the shoulder catch to end the inning.

If the Jays don’t put runs up this inning, I’m going to pretend they did anyway just to avoid blogging much longer.

Top of Eleven

Scott Rolen. FUCK YEAH! The Greatest Blue Jay Ever.

For any normal team, a lead off double in extra innings would be all they need. However, this is our dear Blue Jays. If Rolen doesn’t score this inning, I’m going to . . . do something drastic . . . I’m not sure what yet, but it’ll be something.

Fuck that. Kevin Mench grounds out without advancing Rolen. One down.

Reader Brent, bemoaning following the game on Yahoo! says, “Hahaha, I work at Sick Kids, and I’m getting sick of watching the box score refresh…” Like fourteen kids he was supposed to have been monitoring just brought new meaning to lined out.

Speaking of which, Shannon Stewart just lined out, and Rolen remains at second. Overbay will be intentionally walked. Jesse Crain faces Gregg Zaun with runners on first and second with two out.

Zaun walks and the bases are loaded for pinch hitter Joe Inglett. Redemption time!

Mother fucking YES! Mighty Joe pulls through with a bloop single. Rolen scores the go ahead run.

PLAYOFFS!!!

Wilkerson grounds out to end the inning, but Mighty Joe Inglett and co. retake the lead, and The Balkman will start the bottom of the eleventh.

Bottom of Eleven

B.J. Ryan looks angrier than usual at all this time being taken up before he could come into the game to pitch. Mighty Joe put a bit too much might on his throw to Overbay who saved him to get the first out of the inning.

Mike Lamb strikes out.

Two down. A Mauer to go.

Mauer gets aboard with a grounder up the middle. Tolbert is up next. I’m ready for a fist pump.

Tolbert breaks his bat with a grounder to Inglett who easily throws him out at first.

The fist pump. The save. The victory. The sweep.

Thanks for hanging out for the afternoon. Have a good evening. The Blue Jays win 3-2.

Oh yeah, and . . .

. . . PLAYOFFS!

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