It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The weekend we’ve all been waiting for. Yes, I’m talking about Interleague Rivalry Weekend.

This is the part of the season where we once again ask ourselves, “Is there a more loathsome sports town than Philadelphia?” It’s like a city comprised entirely of Queen Street East, without The Beaches or some of the more charming shops in Leslieville.

You may be thinking that it’s hard to get into a city to city rivalry without a token wager between the Mayors of each land. Believe it or not, there is no bet wherein if the Jays lose, we owe Philadelphia a smug sense of superiority over the rest of Canada, and if the Phillies lose, they owe Toronto some violent crime.

Come on, get on this municipalities. Wagers are what make rivalries interesting.

Actually, I’ll never understand how MLB decided that Philadelphia and Toronto had any sort of rivalry whatsoever, but what’s done is done, and as good Jays fans, it’s now our duty to hate the fucking Phillies. Luckily, it’s not particularly difficult.

Exhibit #1

Phillies fans can’t handle their booze. This guy probably only had fifteen or sixteen beers before deciding to drive home. Fortunately for the citizens of Philadelphia, he didn’t quite make it out of the parking lot.

Exhibit #2

The Phillies have ballgirls, which sounds sexy in a Thai tourism sort of way, but a quick visit to the Phillies Ballgirls website reveals that it would be entirely more accurate to call them the Phillies Balldemons or Phillies Ballskanks. It’s like they took girls from New Jersey and moved them further from New York, thus eliminating the only thing that made them the least bit interesting.

Exhibit #3

The Phillies really suck. You know how the Jays lose a few games in a row and everyone starts phoning Wilner to bemoan the franchise and talk about the lack of a winning attitude in the organization?

Check this shit out: The Phillies all-time record is 8,853 – 10, 028. This would make them the only team in professional sports to have lost 10,000 times. They’ve lost more games than any other team in the history of organized sports.

Worst. Team. Ever.

Exhibit #4

Have you ever visited Philadelphia? There are shitholes and then there are places that get compared to the seven layers of hell and then there’s Philadelphia.

You know that show called It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Well, first of all the title is ironic. Secondly, it was supposed to be set in one of the most morally depraved cities in America, Los Angeles. However, F/X, the station that bought the series, insisted that the show be set in Philadelphia because that’s the only place in the world where such loathsome characters could exist without it seeming unbelievable.

Exhibit #5

According to A.J. Daulerio, Pat Burrell masturbates.

The stories of Burrell’s swordsmanship are legendary in the Philadelphia area. You can’t bump into somebody within a 50-mile radius of Philadelphia who doesn’t have a story. They all start the same: At a club, usually involving a 20-something stunner sidling up at the bar, then, enter … the Bat. Next thing you know, she’s got herself box seats behind home plate and is hanging out with Burrell and Jason Michaels ’til 4 a.m. doing kamikaze shots down the Jersey Shore. One friend-of-a-friend story included Pat leaving her a present the next day after one drunken libidinous night with The Bat — his Valtrex. But an even more vintage Bat story is this second-hand gem:

The story goes: A few guys were on a business trip in Pittsburgh. A couple of the guys knew the Phils were in town, so when they all spotted Burrell at a club there one night, it wasn’t a total surprise. Pat ended up taking a liking to one of the girls in their group. She thought he was hot but didn’t follow baseball. He took her back to his hotel room, and a make-out session ensued until she alerted Pat that she would NOT do him. Not fazed by this, Burrell seemed to respect her chastity, and rather than force himself on her or fly into a blueball rage, he asked a simple question, glancing down at his engorged pants: “Mind if I take care of business?”

The horrified woman didn’t stay the night, letting Pat, take care of his business on his own.

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