If you look back through the archives over the last few weeks, you’ll notice that the only stories not whining and complaining about Brian Tallet’s eligibility for the starting rotation were focused on the Dot Com Dash, a half-mile race between The Hardest Working Man In The Show Business, Jordan Bastian and some hack MLB.com writer who covers both the Yankees and Mets, because, yeah, that’s just what the baseball world needs more of – Yankees and Mets coverage.

As you may recall, Tony DiComo narrowly defeated THWMITSB, meaning that DJF had to dip into its enormous financial resources to donate $25 to Harlem RBI, an excellent organization that uses baseball skills to keep kids in school. In addition to the charitable donation, the terms of the wager between DJF and Mersgrrl.com dictated that the losing party would host a guest post from the winner.

Metsgrrl was kind enough to put together this helpful guide to surviving New York City for visiting Jays fans.

The Jays visit New York during the following dates: July 2 -4, August 2-4 and September 3-5.

You’ve finally done it. You’re in the Big Apple, on your way to see Your Toronto Blue Jays playing the New York Yankees at Yankee Stadium. You’re excited, but you’d like to get home in one piece. I offer you the insider’s secrets, a real New Yorker’s guide to going to the Bronx…and getting out without having to see the inside of a New York City jail.

(I have another more mundane guide to the House of Evil available here.)

RULE #1: Despite what you may have seen on tv or in the movies, you cannot buy a beer, put it into a little paper sack, and walk around with it openly. It’s what we call “open alcohol” and there is nothing a New York City foot patrolman (or woman) would like better than to catch your Canadian ass out and “aboout” with open alcohol on a subway platform or walking down the street.

RULE #2: Bars in NYC are generally Mets bars, or Yankees bars. Any bar that says “We welcome fans of both teams” are (pardon my French – oh wait, you speak that too, right?) pussies who just care about making $$$. As the saying goes, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” and you will be welcomed with open arms in any bar that has a neon Mets logo in the window. Because, let’s remember that the Mets are 14-4 against the Blue Jays all-time and have never lost a home game to Toronto.

RULE #3: No smoking. No seriously, we don’t smoke anywhere, and don’t make the rookie mistake of assuming that just because a subway station is out of doors that it’s okay to smoke there. More tourist friends I know who are otherwise smart cookies have gotten stung with that one.

RULE #4: DO NOT come straight to the Bronx from the airport or bus or train or dog sled with your suitcases in hand, because Yankee Stadium does not allow backpacks, bags or briefcases of any kind (unless you’re a yuppie suit who’s sitting in a suite, in which case I don’t care much about trying to help you out). If you show up with a bag of any size (besides a clear plastic bag you have your food in – more on that below) you will be directed to a bowling alley in the vicinity of River Avenue and 158th Street (which is called, guess what, Ball Park Lanes) where a shady character will hand you a dirty, crumpled piece of laminated cardboard that serves as a claim check. If you’re lucky enough to be a woman, or you can procure one to accompany your party, she can bring a purse in, or she can do what I do, which is toss a handful of feminine products and a tube of lipstick in the top section of my camera bag. Voila, purse.

RULE #5: Buy water and soda BEFORE you go into the ballpark. I know you’re going to be drinking beer, but why pay $24.50 for a bottle of True Yankee Water when any bodega (corner store) will sell you the same thing for a dollar. The little known secret about the House of Evil is that you CAN bring sealed bottles of beverages, or even food, inside. Do Canadians eat peanuts at the ball game or just poutine? Well, you can bring your peanuts in too and spend your money on the steak sandwich (the best food item at the House of Evil) over by section 139 on the field level. It just all has to be in a clear plastic bag.

RULE #6: You don’t want to sit in the outfield bleachers. You really don’t. I know, you’re tough and all, but the Bleacher Creatures are just going to roll over you, stuff you inside a nice Italian roll, and eat you for a snack. Heckling is dead serious and a way of life out there. It’s not fun, you’ll spend your time defending your vintage Jays hat from being knocked off your head repeatedly and totally miss the game.

RULE #7: Wearing gear that identifies you as a fan of the opposing team means that you are going to be gently heckled at the very least. You will be heckled more if you lose than if you win, and when the shoe’s on the other foot, some well-placed barbs are always fun. And when the Jays are up 11-2, no Yankees fan will have a comeback (beyond a drunkenly slurred “YOU SUCK”) when you point out that the Steinbrenners could’ve blown the $100 million elsewhere and still have had their team embarrassed this game. You’ll be fine as long as you follow 3 simple rules: don’t throw stuff, don’t ever make physical contact, and don’t act like a total d-bag.

RULE #8: Don’t drink too much. You don’t want to drink too much so you don’t do or say something stupid, so you don’t trip and fall down the stairs, and most importantly, so you can make a quick getaway in the unfortunate occurrence that your team loses. Case in point: remember that Mets/Yankees game where Luis Castillo dropped that fly ball? I was never so glad that I was able to get outside of the stadium and be on the subway platform before the MFY’s (think about it, you’ll get it) were done high-fiving and smacking each other’s butts.

RULE #9: You want to take the subway to the game. You really do. You do, because it’s cheap, and because it’s fast, and because it’s what New Yorkers do, and because there are enough witnesses to testify in case someone gets stupid. But that’s not going to happen, because there are cops ALL OVER the goddamn subway platforms after the games (waiting to bust people for either a) open alcohol or b) smoking) and once you’re crammed inside the subway car, there’s no room to take a shot at you. But if you’re standing on River Avenue lamely trying to hail a cab to take you back to Midtown like you’re some rich Wall Street dude, you’re on your own.

RULE #10: Parking is like $3200. Okay maybe there’s an extra zero or two in there, but holy Flying Spaghetti Monster it’s expensive to park in the official Yankee Stadium lots. But, unless you have parked in NYC before or are traveling with someone who has, don’t try to street park. You will not read the signs right and your car will get towed and while I know there’s some dude movie out there where the four main characters go on a jaunty adventure through nighttime NYC trying to find the tow pound, in reality it’s a time sucking expensive PITA.

Have a great time in the Big Apple, and Let’s Go Jays!

Comments (1)

  1. Hi,

    Love your site. Wondered what you reccommend in the way of a T.O. sports bar for serious Jays fans, who might want to catch simultaneous (when possible) Jays and LV 51s games — Fisher Cats would be a bonus. All apologies if I have missed that post(s).

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