Holy fuck. I had written up a whole other start to this post, but… by God(frey), is that not the most goddamn fabulous picture of a human being you’ve ever seen in your entire life?
Yes, it is.
Or, at the very least, it’s the finest Sonny Crockett as a hobo Halloween costume you’ve ever laid eyes on.
And, of course, it’s former Blue Jays president and CEO Paul Godfrey, who– when not stylin’ like the king of Boca Raton– mostly came off like a bit of a well-meaning incompetent during his tenure with the club… which makes sense, because as far as I’m concerned, he pretty much was.
Or… OK, maybe there’s a touch of revisionist history in that statement, but in my view– or at least, in my strong suspicions– he’s the primary reason the Jays’ front office spent the better part of the last decade trying to justify its own continuing employment rather than actually going all-out in building a baseball team that could compete with the Yankees and the Red Sox.
And that’s why some of his comments during a sit-down yesterday with the Regina Leader-Post are a little fucking hard to stomach, and why I’m now about to dust off our trusty old bullshit translator to help you digest some of his most steaming piles…
“I enjoyed the time there immensely,” Godfrey says of his Jays experience. However, “If you look at my history, after eight or nine years I get restless and I need to find a new challenge.”
Translation: I’d really taken the whole duping Rogers into somehow not fucking firing the fucking shit out of me to its limit, and I was getting really restless about how they were about to fire the fucking shit out of me, so I felt I needed to find a new challenge.
“We increased attendance (from 1.6 million to 2.4 million),” he says, then adds, apparently glowingly, “My win-loss record during my time there was roughly .500, and that playing in the toughest division in Major League Baseball against two goliaths that have unlimited budgets.”
God(frey)’s First Commandment of Business: Paper the house– paper the shit out of the house! God(frey)’s Second Commandment of Business: Set the bar low– like, not even just low, beyond low. Under-promise and over-deliver, kids!
“I think he is going to prove that he can restore Toronto’s fame by being patient and preserving his draft picks,” he says of current GM Alex Anthopoulos.
Translation: You know, unlike that last guy, who had the asinine “college guys who are close to the majors thing” philosophy, that… well, actually that didn’t work out so terribly, but still, fuck that guy! Who the fuck hired that fuckface anyway?
“If you take a look at the stars on the Blue Jays, most of them were among the top three picks of their year,” he says. “Vernon Wells was a No. 1 pick; Roy Halladay was a No. 1 pick; Chris Carpenter was a No.1 draft pick; Alex Rios was a No.1 draft pick. That is so important to have good picks, and you have to be patient with those picks.”
God(frey)’s Third Commandment of Business: If you ever do something that people absolutely fucking despise, don’t be afraid to pretend that it didn’t happen. Most of them won’t even realize to call you on it, half the rest won’t have the balls to call you on it, and the ones who do? Fuck ‘em. I mean, do they know how big your bank account is? How many full page interviews with the Regina Leader-Post have they had, hmmmmm?
“In my opinion, baseball does need a salary cap. I’m not sure, even though I’m a big fan of Bud Selig, if a salary cap is in Selig’s DNA. In order to have a level playing field — just like hockey did — baseball needs a salary cap. Otherwise, the Yankees and the Red Sox and the New York Mets — some of the other big-market teams — will always have more money.”
Translation: Holy fuck! The dolts running the other teams will actually throw tens of millions of dollars at whichever free agents the Yankees and Red Sox don’t care to scoop up in some pathetic, vain attempt at looking like they might be able to compete, probably just so they can hit some target for season ticket sales. Don’t they know God(frey)’s First Commandment of Business?!? For shit sakes, some owner even paid $126-million for Vernon Wells– Vernon Wells!– and that was after the team blocked the GM from trading him away because he thought the price was too high. Some of these retards completely need protection from themselves.
(Awesome photo via Chris Creamer and the natural magnificence that is humanity)