Holy fuck. I had written up a whole other start to this post, but… by God(frey), is that not the most goddamn fabulous picture of a human being you’ve ever seen in your entire life?

Yes, it is.

Or, at the very least, it’s the finest Sonny Crockett as a hobo Halloween costume you’ve ever laid eyes on.

And, of course, it’s former Blue Jays president and CEO Paul Godfrey, who– when not stylin’ like the king of Boca Raton– mostly came off like a bit of a well-meaning incompetent during his tenure with the club… which makes sense, because as far as I’m concerned, he pretty much was.

Or… OK, maybe there’s a touch of revisionist history in that statement, but in my view– or at least, in my strong suspicions– he’s the primary reason the Jays’ front office spent the better part of the last decade trying to justify its own continuing employment rather than actually going all-out in building a baseball team that could compete with the Yankees and the Red Sox.

And that’s why some of his comments during a sit-down yesterday with the Regina Leader-Post are a little fucking hard to stomach, and why I’m now about to dust off our trusty old bullshit translator to help you digest some of his most steaming piles…

“I enjoyed the time there immensely,” Godfrey says of his Jays experience. However, “If you look at my history, after eight or nine years I get restless and I need to find a new challenge.”

Translation: I’d really taken the whole duping Rogers into somehow not fucking firing the fucking shit out of me to its limit, and I was getting really restless about how they were about to fire the fucking shit out of me, so I felt I needed to find a new challenge.

“We increased attendance (from 1.6 million to 2.4 million),” he says, then adds, apparently glowingly, “My win-loss record during my time there was roughly .500, and that playing in the toughest division in Major League Baseball against two goliaths that have unlimited budgets.”

God(frey)’s First Commandment of Business: Paper the house– paper the shit out of the house! God(frey)’s Second Commandment of Business: Set the bar low– like, not even just low, beyond low. Under-promise and over-deliver, kids!

“I think he is going to prove that he can restore Toronto’s fame by being patient and preserving his draft picks,” he says of current GM Alex Anthopoulos.

Translation: You know, unlike that last guy, who had the asinine “college guys who are close to the majors thing” philosophy, that… well, actually that didn’t work out so terribly, but still, fuck that guy! Who the fuck hired that fuckface anyway?

“If you take a look at the stars on the Blue Jays, most of them were among the top three picks of their year,” he says. “Vernon Wells was a No. 1 pick; Roy Halladay was a No. 1 pick; Chris Carpenter was a No.1 draft pick; Alex Rios was a No.1 draft pick. That is so important to have good picks, and you have to be patient with those picks.”

God(frey)’s Third Commandment of Business: If you ever do something that people absolutely fucking despise, don’t be afraid to pretend that it didn’t happen. Most of them won’t even realize to call you on it, half the rest won’t have the balls to call you on it, and the ones who do? Fuck ‘em. I mean, do they know how big your bank account is? How many full page interviews with the Regina Leader-Post have they had, hmmmmm?

“In my opinion, baseball does need a salary cap. I’m not sure, even though I’m a big fan of Bud Selig, if a salary cap is in Selig’s DNA. In order to have a level playing field — just like hockey did — baseball needs a salary cap. Otherwise, the Yankees and the Red Sox and the New York Mets — some of the other big-market teams — will always have more money.”

Translation: Holy fuck! The dolts running the other teams will actually throw tens of millions of dollars at whichever free agents the Yankees and Red Sox don’t care to scoop up in some pathetic, vain attempt at looking like they might be able to compete, probably just so they can hit some target for season ticket sales. Don’t they know God(frey)’s First Commandment of Business?!? For shit sakes, some owner even paid $126-million for Vernon Wells– Vernon Wells!– and that was after the team blocked the GM from trading him away because he thought the price was too high. Some of these retards completely need protection from themselves.

(Awesome photo via Chris Creamer and the natural magnificence that is humanity)

Comments (111)

  1. Yea, I’m strictly talking about HRs & RBIs here. They’re better overall hitters yes, but don’t fit into the Jays building at this point. Though, Manny in T.O would have been awesome.

  2. “ahhhhh so many built in excuses. maybe they should put a product on the field worth watching first. “

    what is so hard to get? they are a business, they do not OWE you anything. Period. For someone that wants them to give you reasons to be a fan, you sure spend a lot of time worrying about this team.

  3. oh also maybe you forgot that when lee was first traded to philly he TURNED DOWN an extension. oh wait what was that about the hospital being most important? gee that was the perfect opportunity for him to say hey money is not important, my son is, I want to stay here, but he put money ahead of his son.

  4. they are in the entertainment business. if cineplex ran nothing but lousy movies in their theatres for 17 years would they get to blame their customers for nobody coming to see them and not running better ones?

    it’s a lame excuse anyways. attendance has little to do with the bottom line. keep eating their shit about why it’s your fault they don’t compete, enjoy your guilt.

  5. “they are in the entertainment business. if cineplex ran nothing but lousy movies in their theatres for 17 years would they get to blame their customers for nobody coming to see them and not running better ones?

    it’s a lame excuse anyways. attendance has little to do with the bottom line. keep eating their shit about why it’s your fault they don’t compete, enjoy your guilt. “

    so this is a lousy team…why do you care?

    also: “enjoy your guilt” – what does that mean?

  6. I been a Jays Fan since 1982. No pink hats here.

  7. Wow, now you can read my fucking thoughts and you know exactly what I’m implying. Holy shit, do you do parlour tricks too? Here’s what I said: “Cliff Lee? Nope, his son has leukemia and he was very impressed with and felt very comfortable with the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, which ranked #2 in the U.S. for the treatment of pediatric cancer in the most recent rankings (St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, TN ranked #1 – so CHOP is the best facility that any of the MLB cities have to offer). I don’t begrudge him one iota for wanting what’s best for his son.” I didn’t mention the money there, but all the offers were pretty damn close and I wouldn’t be surprised if the peace of mind of having the best pediatric cancer hospital in the country right there, just in case it comes back (because these things can and do), was a factor in their decision.

    As for the contract, guaranteed money trumps aav, especially when you’re a pitcher and your next pitch could be your last. The Phillie offer was number 3 in guaranteed money. I wonder which offer the union wanted him to take. I doubt it was Philly’s. Yes, he will be making more per year in Philly and yes, he will have an opportunity to make more after that, if his arm is still up to it. When people say “He left money on the table” that’s what the mean. He’s gambling that in five or six years when his contract’s up, he’ll still be a) pitching and b) pitching at a high enough level to at minimum make back the guaranteed money that he left on the table. Does that make him a fucking saint or Mother fucking Teresa? No, it makes him a fucking professional athlete who’s confident in his abilities to continue to pitch at a high level and to stay healthy.

    Where the fuck did I say he gave up everything for his son for fucks sake? I said he wanted what’s best for him. There’s a huge amount of real estate between those two statements, and if you can’t see that, I can’t help you. Nowhere did I say he gave up everything for him and will be pitching for free for the next five or six years or that he deserves to be fucking canonized as a fucking saint right now.

    I don’t know how large or small a factor the hospital was in their decision, but I’m pretty sure it was a factor.

  8. Ok, so he turned down an extension. Perhaps he wanted to test free agency. You know to capitalize on his market value and all that. After all it was his first such opportunity, and they don’t come along all that often, so you’ve got to pounce on them when you can.

    Then he was traded by Philly as part of the Halladay deal, and now about one year later, out of left field he signs back with Philly. Having his son’s health factor in the decision doesn’t make him a saint and squeezing as much money as he can out of his first big earning opportunity doesn’t make him fucking Satan either. He’s neither, he’s just a guy blessed with incredible pitching talent, who’s now a very rich guy blessed with incredible pitching talent. I really don’t get how you’re reading all of this into what I said above.

  9. first off dunn didn’t want to sign somewhere he’d be a dh. second i’m pretty sure dunn also hates the city of toronto based on some comments he made during the world baseball classic. (i could be thinking of someone else but i’m pretty sure it was him) probably doesn’t help that our favourite former gm was spouting off on him last time he was a free agent. anyway i have a feeling adam dunn would be costing toronto a whole lot more money than what he signed for.

  10. second. as far as i’ve heard manny ramirez is still a free agent and the 2011 season hasn’t started yet. so it’s a little early to be declaring the end of the world because the jays don’t have him protecting jose bautista in the 2011 lineup.

  11. Aha. I see a lot of familiar facelifts.

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