Stoeten here. How’s it going, big guy? Tough first few weeks on the job or what?
Yeah, I know that last road trip could have gone better, and it’s got to be tiresome to have to be dragging Juan Rivera’s dead weight around constantly, not to mention racking your brain to figure out if it might simply be true that Aaron Hill just… well… that he might not actually be very good.
I get it, John. You’ve got more on your plate than a person insane or desperately hungry, or insanely desperately hungry enough to eat at Denny’s.
But here’s the thing, John: I think you might scare the shit out of people.
I mean, how else could a guy with the reputation as a consensus builder you brought to this city be flubbing some serious basics so badly? Is nobody talking to you???
Now, now, simmer down, John! Simmer down. This isn’t some hater, John. This is me. This is Stoeten. I’ve had your back since the moment the Jays hired you. Shit, I actually believed you were just blowing smoke with all that shit this spring about how you wanted the club to run more.
Ho ho ho. You really got me with that one, John.
Now, I might not have gone as far as offering to put Preparation H on your shrapnel-ass the way I did with John Gibbons in the open letter I wrote to him four years ago that I’m totally ripping off here. But I think I’ve been fair, John. I think I’ve been extremely fair.
And I don’t think it’s unfair to ask you: do you even understand splits and sample sizes????
Faaaaaaack, John. Octavio Dotel against lefties? Noooo!!!!!! Moving Travis Snider to second against AJ Burnett because of success over seven plate appearances??? Nooooo!!!!! Having runners– like Corey Patterson last night, or John McDonald at Fenway on Saturday– try to steal bases down multiple runs in late innings? Nooooooo!!!!!
This should be basic stuff, John. Any idiot with a computer– me, for example– can see that Dotel has sucked bags of dicks against left-handers the last two years, or that in the AL last year, of the 16,039 plate appearances with a runner on first and less than two outs, only 1804 resulted in double plays, for a rate of one every 8.9 plate appearances– hardly a reason to literally run scared of one. (Note: You see what I just did there?).
So I’ve got to ask, what gives, John?
I just can’t believe it’s that the people around you are oblivious to this stuff. I think it might be that they’re afraid to say it. I mean, look at your I’m-about-to-strangle-every-fucker-in-the-room face in the picture above from when you received this letter! I know these might not be the easiest things to hear, John, but there’s really no sense getting angry. You can fix them! It’s just… I know you you want to be a “leader of men” or whatever bullshit nonsense sports people think matters in a locker room, but maybe tone down the intimidation factor a little.
You don’t want poor Alex Anthopoulos to be trembling with fear when he eventually feels no choice but to come to you and explain that you don’t need to be a fucking rocket surgeon– or someone who witnessed Snider’s performance against Burnett last night– to comprehend that seven plate appearances means nothing anywhere close to above total jack shit.
And that’s what it’s going to come to, John. You can’t keep this batshit running game up. You can’t keep setting your players up to fucking fail. And you can’t rely on pure stupidity to explain your decisions and expect it to not get noticed.
You’re not Cito– Alex doesn’t have to let you do whatever stupid bullshit you want as a condition of his employment. And while I am so incredibly fucking loathe to shit down the throat of your decisions all year that it makes me want to puke, I’ll do it.
But please don’t make me do it, John. Please find someone around there who isn’t an idiot and listen to him for cock sakes. If for nothing else, for me. PLEASE!
You’ve done some great things so far. You’ve just got to turn down the suck a little bit, and turn up the good. I know you can, John.
Best of luck, and until we talk again, stay gold, Ponyboy,