This afternoon over at Getting Blanked, Parkes posted a thoroughly enjoyable takedown of some intellectually bankrupt tool from the New York Daily News, replacing the name “Jose Bautista” in John Harper’s lazy Damian Cox impression of a piece of shit with “Curtis Granderson,” the Yankees’ surprising slugger– who we spoke with Ken Davidoff about on the latest episode of the Getting Blanked Podcast!– about whom nobody is whispering moronically.

In the comments of Parkes’s post it was pointed out that Harper’s is hardly the only piece of “gotta ask the question” nonsense spinning out of control from the minds of the laziest of shitty hacks from across the sportswriting universe.

Witness Kirk Minihane of Boston’s WEEI, who lists his top ten hitters in baseball, and gives the following explanation for placing Bautista fourth:

“I’m sorry, it’s hard for me to look at Bautista’s career numbers before and after 2010 and not come to the conclusion that something else other than adjustments in his batting stance and a new attitude might be the reason he’s hitting home runs at this pace. Total baseball McCarthyism, I understand, but this is the real world. But the facts are the facts: The guy has hit 73 home runs since the beginning of the 2010 season and no one else has more than 49 (Paul Konerko).”

Yes, genius. Jose Bautista is the only player in Major League Baseball to have found an undetectable amazing steroid that turns ordinary ballplayers into superhuman baseball Gods without causing any physical changes, and whoever is supplying it to him refuses to sell it to anybody else, Bautista won’t give any to his countless shitty teammates, and he just fucking happened to start taking this magical drug that– again– whatever shady motherfucker he gets it from, for some incompre-fucking-hensible reason refuses to sell to anybody else, at exactly the same time he made noticeable changes to his swing.

That’s probably exactly what the fuck is going on.

Comments (41)

  1. Seems likely.

  2. You are ignoring the most likely scenario, that Bautista was replaced in late 2009 by a newer model of the terminator that took over Roy Halladay’s identity.

  3. It’s so easy to just discount it as steroids because writers were fooled before. I have a feeling they just have sour grapes, but is it any surprise we get this barrage of steroid news when we go to New York? I’ll chalk it up as ignorant Americans.

  4. I don’t think writers were so much fooled before as they didn’t actually care– which is what makes their getting religion on the subject when it comes to HOF voting doubly fucking ridiculous.

  5. not come to the conclusion that something else other than adjustments in his batting stance and a new attitude 

    Bautista had an attitude adjustment? I like how this guy not only makes a bunch of Buck Rogers meets steroids shit up to explain why he got good, but he has no idea why he got good in reality, too. What a fucking hack. 

  6. The top 10 Kirk tossed out there and reasons for it was definitely good for a laugh – it’s Bleacher Report v2.0.  If Bautista was really taking some undetectable PED, then why the fuck hasn’t he been sharing with the rest of the team?

    Also, this was down right fucking jokes:

    RE: Kevin Masshole Youkilis Look, he’s never going to hit 40 homers, or knock in 130 runs. If you just glance at his baseball-reference page nothing jumps out and demands that you take him seriously as a truly great hitter.

    THEN HOW THE FUCK IS HE IN YOUR TOP 10!?!?!?!11? Ugh..

    This just proves that anyone with access to a keyboard can spew the most retarded shit on the internet.

  7. The writer must henceforth be known as Kirk “homer” Minihane

  8. If he played in New York no one would be questioning his power, even though New York is a steroid haven.

  9. How is New York a steroid haven, exactly?

  10. Guys, totally fair feedback to my column (except the Youkilis stuff — I think an OPS of .950 every year is pretty damn good, and I’d write that if he was in Kansas City). I wish I wasn’t naturally skeptical and it sure doesn’t mean I’m right about it. In fact I really hope I’m wrong, because it would be a terrific story.

  11. Oh, and I happily admit that the Moron Line starts and finishes with me.

  12. I agree 100% that it’s unfair, hypocritical and irresponsible of “journos” to speculate on PEDs, especially after the high and mighty stance when the Ibanez thing went down in 2009.

    But, it’s much better logic to point to increased drug testing, empirical evidence at JB’s improved approach and plate discipline than to use the “only one using the drug” slant.  

    Think about Lance Armstrong and Carl Lewis – even if it is presumed they cheated, they were still that much more dominant than their peers.

    I’m not suggesting Bautista is cheating…I’m saying using this argument simply allows idiots to suggest he is good AND he’s a cheater.  I hope that makes sense.

  13. Just for kicks, Kirk’s top 10 with their respective oWAR combining 2010 and 2011:

    Ryan Braun: 6.4
    Kevin Youkilis: 5.9
    Joey Votto: 9.3
    Prince Fielder: 6.1
    Matt Holliday: 7.4
    Josh Hamilton: 7.2
    Jose Bautista: 11.0
    Adrian Gonzalez: 7.4
    Miguel Cabrera: 9.7
    Albert Pujols: 8.0

    Also, Garafraxguy, can you make a Granderson voodoo doll in time for tonight’s game?

  14. Appreciate and respect that you’ve come to defend yourself, Kirk. Even if I still wholly disagree with your take on Bautista.

  15. I hear that, I agree that the testing is more compelling, but I don’t think it’s quite the same, as there were all kinds of other cheaters around those guys, around Bonds, and here with Bautista, nobody’s speculating about anybody else.

    Plus, obviously people just don’t believe in the testing, so that alone won’t convince anybody, and I felt it was necessary to point to the absurdities about the claim that go beyond testing.

  16. Get lost, Kirk.

  17. Its a complete joke, this is why no one but old out of touch fucks read the paper anymore..

    Its perfectly reasonable to suspect that Bautista, not only has discovered an ancient wild plant in the dominican, that only grows once  a century.  This plant is completely undetectable, in fact its so smart that during urine tests its able to mask itself as red bull. On top of all that, this mysterious plant causes 16 HR hitters to turn in to 50 Hr hitters, and those with patchy beards to grow a think full beard.

    John Macdonald took a sniff of the potent flower this year, which is where his power surge has come from. If given 500 AB’s and a steady supply of the secret PED, Jmac would easily hit 40 HR’s.

    These are all perfectly reasonable assumptions to make rather then just simply categorizing it as a hard working player, with natural talent and a sublime eye at the plate tweaking his mechanics and fulfilling his potential.. c’mon who the fuck ever heard of that

  18. I hope not. I hate hearing about steroids. I really, really, really hope not.

  19. Bagwell isn’t in the hall of fame because people are holding the era against players. There’s got to be some shred of evidence before assuming the worst with great players, right? 

  20. It’s sad that the hardest worker in baseball and overall just a great team leader and seemingly great guy has to have questions raised about him when he finally clicks.

  21. It would be nice to know when players get tested and what the results are tho. I realize probably the Player’s Association would never consent to this ‘privacy’ intrusion, but it would go a long way to curtailing what has been decided at the very highest levels of government as a valid question: are players taking PEDs of one sort or another?

    but of course, many of the people here, including the writer, simply can’t bend their little minds around this concept. it’s laughable. and for guys like Wilner, they’re convinced simply asking “hey are you on drugs?… no? great!”. what a farce.


  22. I’ve had enough with the fucking idiots accusing him of juicing with no evidence.  Jose should kick all there asses.

  23. That top 10 list is messed up.  Typical Boston Homer.  Youkilis isn’t top 10, he is a real good hitter and I’d like to have him on the Jays, but he is no way a top 10.  And Votto is too low!

  24. Ahhhhh Fuck the Americans.

  25. That list is an embarrassment. A joke.

  26. You guys really need to focus your hate on the real villains here; Parkes and Stoeten.

    If they didn’t steal jobs from hard working, college educated journalists with credentials…. these guys (Cox, Harper) would not have to resort to these sorts of loaded articles.

  27. How do I know Kevin Youkilis isn’t on PEDs? He rages, he sweats like a stuck pig, seems extraordinarily high-strung . . .

    See how ridiculous this game is?

  28. Well, you know WEEI was so on top of the story when they uncovered Manny and Ortiz before their positive tests. . . Oh, wait, hold on, I am being told that is wrong, terribly wrong.  WEEI was nowhere near this story as it happened under their noses.  Oh, but now they are experts. Yes, I understand.

  29. Not to mention Youkilis didn’t become the player he is today until age 29, the same age as when Jose had his monster year last year…  

    Most be on steroids, especially since he had teammates to supply to him (Manny and Ortiz).

  30. Yes, please Boston media, enlighten us on how to spot cheaters:

  31. ROy Halladay’s 10.64 ERA in 2000 is the worst of any qualified starter in history.

    Where are the accusations that his “mechanical changes” and “new pitches” were not the product of teh Roger Clemens #22 PED special combo (C)?

    I say test the hell outta Jose Bautista. Test all of them. Keep their blood on file to test it later when there are tests for what people are doing now (if you wanna be a record book purist).

    I don’t get why Bautista gets dumped on when all the other non-asshole people suspected of PEDs usually get the benefit of the doubt. I mean, look back: it’s really just the dicks that the finger pointing happens to. What’s up with that?

  32. So now we assume everyone is innocent. Bonds sure didn’t share his wonder drug w/ any of his teammates. So why should one assume that Bautista would. I’m also sure he’s not the only one using something if he is on some designer drug. No one heard of the cream or the clear before Balco fucked up and got caught. Just don’t make an ass out of yourslef by declaring somone clean or otherwise.

  33. The man has never had ANY indication that he had 30+ homer power before 2010.. majors OR minors. Then all the sudden when hes 29 years old the light turns on and he hits almost as many homers in 161 games as he did in his previous 575 games?  this isn’t normal. Maybe hes using some performancer enhancer, maybe he isnt, but to think its idiotic to question the fact that this may not all be kosher is idiotic in my opinion. One thing is for sure, its unusual and extremely interesting.

  34. Fitz, if we replace all of the batting references in your post with similar pitching references, then we would be pretty close to asking if Jamie Moyer was on steroids, given his post-30 production upswing. David Wells wouldn’t be far behind in terms of later-than-’normal’ career upticks.

    So I have to ask the question — is Jamie Moyer on steroids or some other performance-enhancing drug? Because his career in his 20′s and his career since then are a complete anomaly! I’m not suggesting he’s on drugs because I have no evidence — I’m asking a rhetorical question so that I can suggest he’s on drugs without getting sued!

    Between 2004 and the last month of 2009, Bautista had about the equivalent of,maybe, 3 1/2 major league season plate appearances spread over 6 seasons. So my weirdo appraisal of Bautista is that he was actually 26 or 27 in MLB years when the swing adjustment happened.

    Also, I do not actually believe Wells or Moyer used PEDs. OK, Wells used the same PEDs Babe Ruth did — hot dogs and beer with the occasional swig of gout medication.

  35. Anyone else feel Scot Hall is an idiot or just JB in disguise

  36. I challenge anyone who thinks Bautista is on drugs to start doing HGH and see if they can do what Bautista has done.

    HGH doesn’t give you a better eye.

  37. I think people need to understand that the reason so many teams traded for Bautista was because he looked like he had the potential to put up power and numbers. His 16 homers were never considered a  peak or plateau . It was always felt he underachieved when he hit so few.

  38. The problem is that if Youkilis played in KC, he wouldn’t have an OPS approaching that.  Look into home/away splits some time… Do the same with Pedroia…

    Fenway made those guys.

  39. I don’t know what makes me respect you less, the fact that you cannot type, “all of the sudden”, the fact that you would use the phrase, “all of the sudden”, or your ridiculous point.

    Please explain to me what is normal in player development?  How many plate appearances does one require to become the player they have the potential to become?  Is there an equation with which I am not familiar?

  40. […] Andrew Stoeten from the Score is there, too. He’s the author of my absolute favourite baseball blog post in the history of everything. […]

  41. It’s impossible for me to take anything Minihane says seriously. Spoiled little rich brat who’s best previous gig was writing for a sports card company. I rarely listen to the “Denise and Skeletor Show,” but when I do Minihane is dropping little gems about dry-humping Maya Angelou and stirring his oatmeal with something other than a spoon. I’m sure that his mommy is proud of him.

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