Yesterday, rather than step into the horseshitty murk of making baseless PED accusations in the direction of Jose Bautista, Hawk Harrelson decided to go another, no less horseshitty direction, maybe not quite making the suggestion that Bautista might be corking his bat, but at least legitimizing whichever fucking shitstains among his audience might think the suggestion isn’t ridiculous.
Not only is it utterly fucking baseless to make the suggestion– not to mention unfair, and totally assholish– it’s also rather stupid, since corked bats do shit all. The MythBusters said so!
So, there’s one fucking moron for the day– albeit one who we pretty much knew about anyway, and one who, at least, faced Bautista after the game, though apparently he wasn’t quite man enough to bring up his ridiculous comments. “In a seemingly unrelated event,” writes John Lott of the National Post, “Harrelson made a visit to the Toronto clubhouse after the game, and, wearing a big grin, headed straight to Bautista’s locker. The two chatted amiably for a few minutes. Apparently, the content of Bautista’s bat did not come up.”
As for our second moron? We have the usually-excellent Larry Brown of Larry Brown Sports, whose audio clip of Harrelson’s statements is being passed all over the internet today.
On one hand it’s great to see Hawk’s dumbfuckery being spread and called out far and wide, unfortunately, the accompanying article features statements as completely brainless as anything Harrelson said.
“Many people have suspected Bautista of using PEDs, and given the amount of successful major leaguers who have been busted over time, that wouldn’t totally be unfair,” Larry writes.
Um… wrong. But we’ll get back to that in a moment. Later he lays this on us:
“Now Hawk’s throwing it out there that if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he’s corking his bat. Well Hawk, if you know better, then why did you suggest it? That to me sounds like someone so impressed you don’t believe what you’re seeing, and that you don’t think it’s natural. You might as well say he’s getting injections in the tunnel to the clubhouse between innings. If you don’t think he’s doing it, then don’t throw it out there.”
That actually sounds kinda bang on, until you notice that he concludes the previous paragraph with this statement about Bautista, “Still, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he were using some substances.”
I’m not sure how the hell that’s any different than Hawk’s comment– which is kinda odd, because I’m pretty sure he just told Hawk that “if you don’t think he’s doing it, then don’t throw it out there.”
All in all, though, I don’t think that would be so incredibly terrible… were it not for what Brown continues saying in the comments. “Plenty of star players who rose to prominence turned out to be juicing,” he writes, dickishly talking down to frequent DJF commenter Mick_In_Ithaca. “It would be naive to not at least consider the possibility. But I understand, you’re a big fan so you don’t want to think of the possibility. I get that.”
Later, he expands on/repeats that, saying that “given the amount of stars in the game who turned out to be using, it wouldn’t be a surprise to find out that Bautista were in something. I didn’t say he is, I said it wouldn’t be a surprise. And it really shouldn’t be one for anyone who’s paid attention. You just don’t want to think about it because it takes away from your enjoyment of the game and I understand that.”
Yes, Sigmund Freud. The only reason anyone gets defensive about PED whispers is that they’re forcing themselves to be blind to the possibility in order to save their enjoyment of Bautista’s performance. Nothing at all to do with the fact that it’s horrifically unfair to slag the guy without a fucking shred of anything vaguely resembling evidence. Or the fact that the sluggers of the past you’re grouping him with were many– not just one isolated player. Or that those steroid-era guys physically transformed into cartoonish monsters before our eyes. Or that, y’know, they played in an era where there was no drug testing.
Oh, but we’re the ones being naive. Not the people who think horseshit like: back when they didn’t test for PEDs tonnes of guys pumped themselves full of steroids until their forearms were the size of Jose Bautista’s thighs and hit a shitload of home runs, ergo, anyone who now hits home runs is a suspect, even though he’s passing tests left and right, there have been no perceptible physical changes in him, he started dropping bombs exactly when he changed his swing, and he’s apparently the only one who has found the magic, undetectable potion that makes it all possible.
Not a complete fucking farce of a disgrace of a completely baseless opinion at all, pal. But what else can we expect from a guy who… well… I’m not saying I think Larry Brown is a wife beater, I just wouldn’t be surprised if he is. But hey, if you want to be naive and ignore that possibility because it takes away from your enjoyment of his work, I get that.