The question is, is he on some kind of performance enhancer? And I think the answer is something like 90-95% likely.” – Max Kellerman of the Max and Marcellus show on 710 ESPN Los Angeles.

To be blunt, “moron” does not do justice to the raging fucking dumbfuck buffoonery spewed for fifteen minutes into a microphone by Max Kellerman during the second hour of Tuesday’s edition of his Los Angeles radio show with former NFL defensive lineman Marcellus Wiley. (Starts at the 15 minute mark.)

Nor, frankly, does it do justice to anybody who thought it was a reasonable idea to put this fucking clown on the radio, pretending like an asshole that he has some kind of “expertise” on the symptoms and effects of steroid use because he can read the Baseball Reference page of a player who was mediocre for a few years and then got really good.

And how does he demonstrate that “expertise,” you ask? By calmly reading numbers from Bautista’s Pirate days, then going verbally shit ape as he reads his recent numbers.


“When the only thing that changes is production,” he says, referring to the fact that he has head so far up his ass that he doesn’t know that Bautista’s swing has dramatically changed from the time in Pittsburgh, “then you have to start asking questions.”

“Everyone is doing mental gymnastics to explain why Bautista has suddenly become Jimmie Foxx,” says professor dipshit, who apparently hates it when people go to the trouble of actually, you know, thinking. Why??? Why would you bother thinking about something when the answer is right there in your face: anybody who unexpectedly gets really good at something is a cheater, and anybody who doesn’t see it the way Dr. Max Kellerman, PED, does is some naive dupe or an apologist for the game.

“Those are steroid numbers,” says this astonishing fuckface. “It reminds me a lot of what everybody was saying about Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa when they started hitting home runs.”

Hey, and that’s totally a fair comparison– y’know, as long as you’re a fucking piece of shit and willingly forget that those two were hardly the only suspected PED users at that time, that they weren’t drug tested, and that Mark McGwire used to look like fucking this!

“If the fact is that he’s natural, then it’s not fair to Jose Bautista and I apologize, I’m sorry. I think it’s a 5% likelihood.”

Jesus, Kellerman, are you really this fucking dumb? Sure, there’s a chance that anybody is on some kind of performance enhancer, but– well, for one, anyone who thinks that turning a mediocre baseball player into a Hall of Famer is a simple as a couple injections obviously is too dumb to know jack shit about the subject to begin with. For two, to act like it’s just this one guy who can get the magical stuff, who can beat the tests, who can do it without any perceptible changes to his body type, and– as I’ve said way to many times already– started doing it at the exact same fucking moment that he made changes to his swing?

Just so incredibly stupid. I wish there were some kind of test for brain cells, because I’d love to see this moron fail.

Oh, wait… I think there actually might be!

Comments (39)

  1. This bozo’s field of expertise is supposed to be boxing.

    Anyone remember when he had a gratefully short-lived show on ESPN? Idiot.

  2. Just listened to the radio show… I didn’t know that you can tell so fucking much from numbers.

  3. The failed eye-test is the part that bothers me most about the Bautista allegations.  McGuire, Sosa, Manny, Bonds, A-Rod … all big dudes.  Guys that if they walked in the room would make you notice.  Jose is about as averaged sized a ball player as you could possibly find.  Steroids don’t help you hit homers, the giant fucking muscles they help you to build help you hit homers.

    The 2nd part of the eye test is if you can’t see the difference between his baseball swing now, and his swing from the Pirates (or even early Jays), then may be you shouldn’t get paid to talk about baseball.

  4. So that’s two dumbfucks in one week who assume Bautista is juicing, and one intellectually opaqued asshat who thinks his bat is corked.

    The only thing that needs corking around here is their asshole’s that they seem to talk out of.

  5. Brett Lawrie has Les Grossman hands now. AA should have Lawrie call this pustule up and give him a good Grossman workover:

  6. Stoeten, I love the passion, but if you are going to shut down every fuckin moron who thinks like a fuckin moron and runs his mouth like a fuckin moron, you’re going to be make 2-3 posts like these a day.

    the reality is that people are so pathetic in their own lives, so blocked in by possibility, that anyone who achieves something out of the realm of normality ends up being hated on.. its just like people who work hard come from nothing and end up being hated, its because asshats dont like anyone who breaks normalcy.. 

  7. They get paid to flap their gums, so flap they do.   Guy has to shave twice by breakfast, he’s just a bad ass motherfucker, unlike Kellerman the pussy.

  8. Kellerman gets paid to flap his gums, so flap they do.  Jose has to shave twice by breakfast.  He’s just a bad ass motherfucker, unlike Kellerman the seeping pussy.

  9. I find it hilarious how he explains how Roger Maris could increase his power numbers without using PEDs, saying the ballpark helped the increase. Then he can’t find it even plausable that Baustista’s numbers increased because of a swing change.
    No chance at all that a swing can make a difference. WHAT A DUMBFUCK

    Does he not realize the whole game is based on adjustments? Players that make adjustments will find sucess, those who can’t — i.e. James Loney, who was brought up earlier in the segment, fall apart and go nowhere in their career.

    And go back to just before he tears apart Jose, with NO EVIDENCE, when he declares his love for the Yankees, then goes on to defend Maris’s increase. He’s such a fucking homer.

    Sure stats can say a lot about a player, but to tear apart someone you haven’t seen play in person is just a joke. I’ve seen Pirates Jose and I’ve seen current Jose, he’s made a ton of adjustments in that time with his swing. The fact is Jose made the adjustments to thrive in the game.

    By the way, he mentioned McGuire, Sosa, and Bonds — how is it that he didn’t bring up A-rod in that segment? Makes you think just a little bit more about his claims.

  10. The intellectually cowardly way these guys go about it is what pisses me off.  Come out and man up and say that you KNOW he is on steroids.  Dont give me this 95 percent bs so you can then turn and hide behind the 5 percent in CASE he isn’t juicing.  Fuck that shit.  Grow some balls fucking wigger. 

  11. If you use BR and look at his splits, he always did well against lefties. In 2006 his line against them was .283.404.540.944.  Jesus Fuck how do we turn off formatting. Nnnngh 

  12. True, but… people seem to dig it.

  13. At least the one guy is dead.

  14.  i fuckin love it dude. don’t get me wrong…

    I just sadly don’t think its going to stop.

    Maybe one day when bautista is on his death bed and doesn’t break down and have a final confession about his mystical, untraceable ped’s that he stole from roy halladays locker, maybe then people will accept that he was just fucking good.

  15. Stop linking to this shit.  You link.  We click.  Fuckface trends, and radio producer brings him back for more asshatery.  Just leave him alone, and he’ll eventually go away.  It’s basic internetonomics.

  16. Well said. The steroid era was great for all the finger-wagging, holier-than-thou trolls that scour the internet and media these days because it allows them to think “Hey, I could have hit 600 home runs too if I cheated.” When they see a guy smaller than them doing it in the post-roid era, they get angry and just want to dismiss it immediately.

  17. Stoeten (or should I be calling you name dropper? seeing how you just drop Keith Law’s name in the live stream), do you email these to the dumb fucks that say this crap?  Because I remember once one of the dumb fucks came to defend himself.  Or did he just stop by, by accident.

  18. people are fuckin idiots thats why

    Playing university baseball and hockey, plenty of guys took roids around me… and they were still shit, stronger for sure, but there is a reason you cant just go get the rock or john cena and put a louisiville in their hand, it takes skills and a heck of a lot more than strength..

    Bonds, Mcguire, Sosa, Pettite, Clemons , Arod were all ALREADY good.  .

    Give Rajai davis or Johnny mac all the steroids in the world and they wont even sniff 20 jacks. 

  19. Ah, nos amis les américains. Once a vigorous people. Now, their loudest voices are such as this. We should not grow angry with their simpering stupidity; we should pity them. As for Mr. Kellerman, I believe the following applies:

    The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else. -George Bernard Shaw

  20. Soooo, you know he’s not on steroids?

  21. Get Davis some steroids that Ben Johnson took, and make him crazy fast.  Then just bunt, and he could probably bunt .400

  22. 5 Dunedin players selected to FSL all-star game including Deck


  23. All you have to listen to is their conversation about James Loney. Marcellus Wiley says of Loney, and I quote: “Instead of comparing him to what another person or player at his position should be doing, compare him to his potential”. For realz? He’s 27 fucking years old dude. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Then Kellerman says Don Mattingly was the consensus best player for a few years in the 1980s. No. Very good player. Never the best player in any one season or in the four year period from 1984-1987, you Yankee loving douchefuck. Somebody’s easily manipulated by the tales of Yankee lore that they lapped up like a puppy dog at their father’s/uncle’s/grandfather’s feet. I wonder what he’d be saying if Bautista was currently a Yankee. What’s that Max? Speak up, we can’t hear you.

    Forget about checking Bautista for PEDs, it’s time to check these two vacuous brained fucks to see if there’s any brain matter dribbling out of their ears. When they die, their brains should be donated to that concussion study group, not because they had concussions (Wiley may have), but because their brains are functioning like they had multiple concussions, despite the fact that Max wouldn’t be in a high risk group. Nowhere does this brain dead fuck mention September of 2009 in his endless spewing of stats to “prove” his case. “Well that’s the thing, the rest of the league is living in the post-steroid, but not Jose Bautista”. Ack! Use logic much?

    Kellerman informs us that Roger Maris didn’t come out of nowhere, he can be explained by the short porch in RF, and he can do no wrong because he’s a true til death Yankee fan. Then Kellerman talks about how he was some kind of lone wolf in the wilderness back in the McGwire/Sosa/Bonds days who was telling everyone who would listen that they were juiced. I guess nobody heard his whiny, high pitched squeal back then huh? Kinda hard to miss, dontcha think? Stoeten, when somebody that actually has some semblance of a fucking brain makes
    allegations against Bautista, I’ll pay attention, but these guys are killing far more
    brain cells with this rant than I’ve managed to in my entire life. Stoooopid.

  24. I think you’re talking about Larry Brown. Not only did Stoeten bestow him the honour of a place in “The Book of Moron”, but Stoeten and mick in ithaca were taking shots at Larry in the comments section of his story on Hawk Harrelson’s latest gaffe on Larry’s blog.

  25. Soooo, you know he is on steroids? 100% conclusively? Like you personally tested his urine? Nobody knows whether anyone in baseball is on steroids until they’re caught by a testing program, which while not foolproof is still the best among the four major league team sports. Everybody clamoured for a drug testing program. Baseball now has one and nobody believes it anyway. If anything suspicion has gone up, since it was implemented. What about Curtis Granderson, Ben Zobrist, Alex Avila, Kevin Youkilis, Russell Martin, and Asdrubal Cabrera? If we’re going to throw Bautista under the bus, let’s at least be consistent mmmkay?

  26. They say a lot of dumb shit on the radio in the United States. . . .Canada too.

  27. I wonder if any of these media guys are on PEDs, because it sounds like they might need to start.  They are beginning to make Forrest Gump look like a fucking genius.  In fact I feel like im loosing IQ points just by reading this shit…

  28. I’m surprised there aren’t more defamation lawsuits frankly. Things like this are a) unsubstantiated b) pretty damaging to a person’s reputation c) outside of recent history there’s no reason to even suspect he’d be using anything d) he’s regularly being tested.
    I think it should actually be the league and the union who takes action. It’s one thing to actually criticize an athlete who’s been caught, but this also affects the reputation of the league, that their testing program isn’t doing anything, and the union should want to protect their players.
    Mind you US media is allowed to lie, so it’s not like anything would happen… People tend to forget that  (at least for a little while longer) Canada has tougher standards for journalism… you can’t intentionally misrepresent (you can however slant things pretty effectively with good writing.) I suspect this guy is just a champion among morons though, sports punditry is rife with them.

  29. While I think Jose can do anything he sets his mind to, I’m pretty sure that he’s not some scientific genius.  Now I have no basis for that, and he could MacGyvering PEDs that make you hit the ball super far to left field (unless you’re in MN) out of Gatorade and nicotine in the Jays locker room like nobody’s business.  But most likely if Bautista is taking some super awesome non-detectable drug that gave him Popeye strength (but failed to alter his appearance at all), it’s available to all players.  Now if this magical super drug exists, what are the chances that NONE of the Yankees or Sox are taking it?  These aren’t teams that just let a chance to get an advantage slip by them.  Perhaps it’s not available in smaller markets like NYC or Boston and only in big, bad Toronto?   But for that moron to imply that out of the thousands of players in MLB or the feeder leagues, Bautista is the ONLY player to come across this drug?  Come on.

    Or maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t exist and Jose is just using his diety-given talent in the first real chance he’s ever been given in the Majors after receiving instructions from two of the best hitting coaches he’s ever worked with.  Better still, maybe he flew to the Dominican and had some of his stem cells from his legs injected in his arms — giving his arms leg-like strength.  But that would be wrong, right Yankee fans?

    If morong would like to talk about unusual stats, how about they take a look at Granderson.  Thirty years old and he’s hitting homers at more than twice the pace he did when he was 27, despite having full seasons and the best of everything availble that money could buy.  23 homers over 600+ at bats in his prime and yet no one is questioning his current 17 over 200 at bats.  How did he go from hitting a homer 1 out of 26 at bats to now hitting 1 out of 12??  (and I don’t think Granderson is on a PED anymore than I think Bautista is, but it just shows how ignorant these morons are).

  30. Bautista weighs like 5 pounds more than he did as a rookie – if he has used PEDs, and gained strength, where is he hiding it?

  31. “ giving his arms leg-like strength”
    - classic 

  32. Just covering all the bases (like Jose will be doing tonight when he finally gets to feast on Baltimore pitching).  Apparently talent is being overlooked by the talking heads, so I wanted to start a new theory.

    Or maybe I’m just jealous that my arms aren’t leg-strong.

  33. on the RealGM site, a poster going by Schadenfreude responded:

    “When a guy goes from being a fringe figure to a permanent spot with HBO’s flagship boxing broadcast team, a radio show and appearances on all manner of media, you do have to wonder: how many network executives has Max Kellerman blown?

    Now, I’m not saying definitively that he has sucked his way to the top (literally, that is; figuratively, there is little doubt), just that there’s a 95% chance that he has risen because he knows how to get a rise, if you know what I mean. When a person remains as uninteresting, as dumb and as unappealing as ever, yet starts experiencing such success, questions have to be asked.

    If I’m wrong, and he is just a beneficiary of an appalling lack of taste between sports execs and fans alike, then it’s not fair to Max Kellerman, and I apologize. It does happen; look at Colin Cowherd. I’m just saying that it’s a 5% likelihood that he made it there on his own merits, rather than owing to deft skill with a scrotum.”

  34. If Bautista took steroids, he’d bunt home runs.

  35. Food for thought: Max’s brother Sam was killed in 2004 by a former boxer nicknamed “The Harlem Hammer”.

    This nickname has nothing to do with the fact that the murder weapon was indeed a hammer.

  36. You guys are idiots, Max & Marcellus are in the media, i.e. they are insiders. Of course they know more they we do… I’m sure they’d be willing to share how the moon landing was faked, if they didn’t have to kill us after telling us.

  37. Kellerman’s argument isn’t ridiculous. His whole point was that there is no historical comparison for Bautista  outside of players who used performance enhancing drugs. Throughout his professional career, Bautista’s slugging percentage never approached anything close to what he’s doing now. For everyone bashing Kellerman and mocking the murder of his brother, I wonder if they can come up with other players who’s home run totals had a similar progression of 16,15,15,13 to 54. After the past decade where players used drugs to enhance their performance, including HGH(which still isn’t tested for), Kellerman has a legitimate reason to be suspicious. I understand someone can change their swing, but it does not change the fact that Bautista’s increase in production would be unprecedented in MLB history.

  38. No point in talking about this to Blue Jay fanboys.

    They’re busy waiting for a Bautista home run ball to come down their chimney’s on Christmas eve.

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