There are several reasons why I’m loathe to go out of my way to shit on the shittacular, pageview-whoring, shit salad of a dump of a that-horseshit-passes-for-analysis? of a fucking moronic slideshow of a worthless turd stew of a snake oil-covered shitshow fake sports site like Bleacher Report.

For one, it’s a turd-tacular dump of a yogurt-brained piece of unbelievably worthless SEO-pillaging shit-warehouse of bloated ass-content that doesn’t deserve link one from me or anybody else.

For two, what passes for content over there is generally the sharted-out thoughts of casual-fan shlubs with an IQ somewhere below that of the average Wilner caller, so it’s pretty much fish in a barrell.

For three, it just feels kinda wrong to be so dismissive of such a large group of writers like that, because it’s pretty much exactly how mainstream writers responded years ago when bloggers started showing up, stealing their traffic, and basically calling them drunken, talentless hacks– and those drunken, talentless hacks were rightly called out for doing so.

Still, though, what looms above all else is the fact that Bleacher Report is a giant gaping suckhole for anything resembling intelligent commentary for sports. And their “editors” (who I’m sure are as totally real as God, the Keebler elves and David Wells’ “personal trainers”) will actually let whatever poor soul has been granted access to post on their “magnificent,” Google-rapey platform dribble shit like this from his keyboard’s mouth:

“There are about five second basemen that I would rather have than Aaron Hill, namely Robinson Cano, Dustin Pedroia, Rickie Weeks, Ben Zobrist, Brandon Phillips and Ian Kinsler. … If Hill was to hit the free agent market at the end of the year, more than half of the MLB will see Hill as an upgrade at second base and not a downgrade.”

Um… first off, really fucking great job counting to five there, champ.

For two… ahhhh… Aaron Hill ranks 20th of 21 qualified second basemen in WAR according to FanGraphs. [And a big congratulations to the San Francisco Giants for picking up Orlando Cabrera before the trade deadline, the only guy who ranks worse!]

In his astonishingly fucking awful 2010, he was somehow actually marginally better! Hill ranked 13th of 16 second basemen, and put up 1.2 WAR for the season. This year he’s actually below replacement level: -0.2 WAR– again, according to FanGraphs (Baseball reference has him at 1.1 WAR last year and 0.2 this year).

And this will come as a shock to you: over the last two years he’s been two wins worse than Alberto fucking Callaspo and 16th of 20 qualified second basemen. Even if you look at the last three years, and include his 4.1 WAR, 36 home run 2009, and he’s still 17th of 19 qualified second basemen!

That’s how fucking awful he’s been for these last two years!!!!!!!

And– newsflash!– just in case anyone starts getting the idea that maybe his rank among qualified second basemen doesn’t tell the whole story, even if you expand this year’s leaderboard to include guys with as few as 250 plate appearances, Hill stays second last! Thirtieth of 31 second basemen in WAR! Nearly half of whom (14) have fewer plate appearances!

THIS ISN’T COMPLICATED, ESOTERIC, UNIVERSITY-LEVEL STUFF, PEOPLE. I’m sorry, but Aaron Hill is– much like the analysis offered by Bleacher Report– seriously fucking terrible.

Comments (16)

  1. we get it…Hill sucks. It will be interesting to see how AA handles the 2b “situation”

  2. Pretty easy. Don’t pick up his options, then sign/trade for any other MLB 2B.

  3. So you like Hill?  I dont get it?  30 out of 31 sounds good.  Thats almost batting 1.000, thats good right?  you should be more clear in your opinions… just my $.02

  4. I think the extent of Hill’s terribleness needs to be repeated as many tend to forget (like this BR writer) just how bad he’s been for the last two seasons.

    An upgrade on Hill is much needed in 2012.

  5. I believe in Aaron Hill.

  6. I just hope the Jays don’t. They can’t let this guy suck for a third season.

  7. It’s a shame what’s happened with Hill. I really like(d?) him as a player.

  8. I never liked Hill, even in his ‘good’ year he has a pedestrian on base percentage, he can’t take a walk, and his power year messed with his head, because thinks he’s a power hitter.

    I want to like him, because he seems like a nice guy and a hard worker. but give me an asshole second baseman who can post a .350 obp any day . 

  9. stoeten, if you hate ‘casual fans’ so much, as m.wilner also appears to, then why don’t you find another profession? there are plenty of people who can do what you do without being a total asshole to everyone that doesn’t spend their every waking hour caring about some sport they were never that good at playing.

    i’m not trying to be a dick by saying this, but seriously, if it is an issue for you, you might want to try getting a job in a front office, or something where you can crunch numbers and not be annoyed by people so much. are you really thinking of spending another 30 years belittling people whose major fault is that they have other lives besides being a jays fan (drunk or otherwise)?

  10. yt is a punani^^ 

    fuck off yt

  11. Yea yt, you got it wrong this time. Bleacher Report is THE FUCKING WORST SPORTS SITE ON THE FUCKING PLANET. I wish i was a hick and a had a TV and a Shotgun, because that’s how mad i get going through their FUCKING slideshows.
    And Aaron Hill sucks the hairiest of balls.
    And Stoeten is STILL in an asshat too.

  12. There are several reasons why I’m loathe to go out of my way to shit on the shittacular, pageview-whoring, shit salad of a dump of a that-horseshit-passes-for-analysis? of a fucking moronic slideshow of a worthless turd stew of a snake oil-covered shitshow fake sports site like Bleacher Report.For one, it’s a turd-tacular dump of a yogurt-brained piece of unbelievably worthless SEO-pillaging shit-warehouse of bloated ass-content that doesn’t deserve link one from me or anybody else.Hemingway? Is that you?
    Way to bring it up a notch. Fascinating stuff.

  13. i’m not trying to be a dick by saying this

    Whenever a sentence starts off with this, it always follows up with the person being a dick. Always.

  14. Warning track power 2nd baseman who can’t lay off the dirty low and away…here’s hoping Hill’just go away.

  15. Same.  I never really liked Hill that much, even before he completely fell off a cliff.

  16. this might be my favourite DJF post ever.  BleacherReport sucks so much anus that not enough can be said about it…but you’ve done well.

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