If the writers who came up with the laughable pile of horseshit that appeared today at ESPN could kindly take Joe Girardi’s cock out of their mouths for a moment, I’d like to take a minute or two to make sure we’re all clear that they are both a couple of fucking turd-brained imbeciles.

Amy K. Nelson and Peter Keating tell us they have some troubling “evidence” to suggest that the Jays may have been stealing signs. The Jays.

Opposing players say they’ve seen it happening! Jays players sometimes hit home runs at Rogers Centre! Um… also… ahhh… ummm…. go Yankees!!!!

Holy shit, with that kind of evidence against them the Jays must be stealing signs! That’s crazy!

I mean, never mind the fact that Jays must be so fucking terrible at cheating that they’re just 28 and 27 at home this year. Never mind that they’re so bad at cheating that they were fucking no-hit at home this year by Justin Verlander. Never mind that their team OPS at home (.770) is a whopping 11 points higher than the .759 OPS visitors to the Rogers Centre have put up. Clearly, these intrepid reporters have got this sizzling loaf of story locked down: chickenshit anonymous shitbag relievers claim they saw a man in white signalling pitches at the Rogers Centre to Jays hitters, so… case closed, right?

It makes too much sense!

And it’s probably why Jose Bautista is such a piece of shit hitter on the road, compared to when he’s getting all those signals from the “man in white.” A 1.030 OPS outside Rogers Centre and just 17 of his 33 home runs? Pffffft. And I believed in you, Jose!

Ohhhhhhh, but wait! The pair of shitstains is talking about 2010! Um… right?

Sure, they refer to incidents in 2011 involving visits from the Yankees and the Red Sox, and they tell us that “last September” the whispers “started to gain momentum in the mainstream media,” which was taking place “as ESPN began investigating the sign-stealing allegations” (which– along with the fact that we’re four months into a new season, and that the number crunching required here isn’t exactly rocket surgery– kinda suggests to me that their “analysis” probably has a lot of 2011 in it). But the statistical “evidence” they provide is all based on 2010– when the Jays did experience a surprising spike in their power numbers at home… which has since normalized (their .230 home ISO last year is down to .182 in 2011– rather similar to the .180 they put up in 2009, no?)– so that must be the year they’re talking about!

And… I guess maybe what that means they’re suggesting is that the Jays got the brilliant idea to start stealing signs in 2010, and since that went so fucking swimmingly as to rocket the club to a completely fucking expected fourth place in the AL East– the thirteenth best record in baseball!– they decided to keep doing it in 2011, even though Dwayne Murphy was the only holdover from the coaching staff. And also they somehow got even worse at it.

Oh, but they’re still doing it! Don’t kid yourself, you fucking homerish, blind-defenders of everything the Jays do! Your team is still totally stealing signs– totally– they’re just really, really bad at it now.

I mean, that must be the case, otherwise the only explanation I can come up with for this abortion of an article is that the Worldwide Leader employs the kind of fucking morons who’d haplessly fall for conspiracy theories about every single outlier season ever in the history of sports– and that just can’t be! ESPN wouldn’t employ a pair of complete proposterous fucking hack clowns and actually publish whatever mealy shit that dribbles from their keyboards’ assholes, would they???

Comments (73)

  1. Amazing. These rip-jobs you write are pretty much the only thing in the world that makes me wish for more morons out there.

  2. Fan-fucking-tastic. They might as well have published this on Bleacher Report. http://t.co/2pBnQEd

  3. JP Arencibia’s twitter posts today sum it up perfectly.

  4. Brendan Ryan hit a home run at Rogers Centre.

  5. Its a none story I wish would go away already. Are the Jays stealing signs through nefarious means? maybe, do I care? not even a little bit.

  6. Preach on, Stoeten. Case closed.

  7. /standing O

  8. Thank you…..so so much.

  9. Signs of trouble around Amy Nelson?: An in-depth analysis… Look, I’m not saying that a hack like Amy Nelson had sex with her superiors at ESPN to get this job. I’m not. I would never make such a bold accusation. But it appears that a lot of unnamed sources around baseball believe this might be the case. Not only that, but if you look at the stats – based on previous hack journalists who cherry-pick stats to fit pre-determined conclusions - a statistically significant number of them slept their way to the top of the journalism world. Am I saying for sure that I know Amy Nelson did? All I’m saying is, there are signs of trouble around Amy Nelson based on prior statistical analysis of shitty journalism trends, and a lot of vague unnamed sources are telling me a lot of things that I can’t divulge, but absent of any proof let’s just float that suspicion out there: Amy Nelson may or may not be being accused of fucking half of the ESPN office in Bristol, CT. She couldn’t be reached for comment, but one unnamed source said it was “probable”.

  10. Kevin Gregg, Vernon Wells, John Buck, Lyle Overbay, Scott Downs, Alex Gonzalez, Fred Lewis, Shaun Marcum, Jeremy Accardo and Dewayne Wise unavailable for comment.

  11. I was waiting for stoeten’s post on this donkeycock of an article. I loll’d pretty hard. Good stuff you bearded cockmuncher, you’re ripjobs are pretty enjoyable to read.

  12. ESPN is just defending the Yankees and Red sox poor play here. How could they ever lose here? They can’t lose to the jays. If the A’s or Royals complained nobody would give a shit. I could tolerate ESPN more if they didnt have BOS and NYY dicks up their mouths all the time

  13. When you really look at the evidence for more than 15 seconds it’s hard to believe ESPN approved this trash heap for publication. I wonder if Damien Cox has sent his resume in yet.

  14. Surely someone could have gotten pictures of a guy dressed in white, SITTING IN THE BLACKED OUT HITTER’S BACKGROUND.

  15. I heard the “Man in White” now works for Dan Uggla and it’s been the best 30 days of his life

  16. I found him and posted a picture of him on twitter http://t.co/RgUDkih

  17. Apparently AA is going to address the media about this issue. Sad when hack journalism requires the attention of the GM which in turn will only give it more coverage than it deserves.

  18. Someone needs to make a ManInWhite twitter account, pronto.

  19. It’s Parkes, isn’t it?  He’s “The Man in White” (TM).

  20. even good old Griffin is getting in on the fun:Yankee players recall seeing the same man in the same Rogers Centre seat multiple times — in sports we call that “a season ticket holder.”

    great article. it should be copypasted en masse in ESPN’s comment section. 

  21. The last series the Jays played at home in 2009 was against Seattle… but they say it’s Yanks and Sox bitching? Interesting.

  22. Great post.  Its ridiculous.

  23. So essentially the other teams are complaining that the Jays have an unfair competitive advantage, is that it? Gee, that’s too bad; it’s a shame something can’t be _done_ about stuff like that.

    I hope the Jays steal so many signs they cause an international shortage of signs. I hope the Red Cross has to step in to distribute free signs to all the starving urchins of the AL Central.

  24. Love for the Jays to have a white t-shirt give away day.

  25. We should all buy tickets for tonight’s game in the same section of the outfield next to the hitters eye and simultaneously raise our arms up or down before an A’s pitcher delivers.

    Who’s in?

  26. Even better – “proof of our accusation is that the Jays hit a lot of homeruns at home”. Oh, you mean to say that the Jays MUST be cheating because they have a lot of power hitters in a homer-friendly park? And maybe when they go to a place like Boston, their right-handed heavy lineup might have some trouble with the giant fucking wall sitting there?

  27. Not to mention, any baseball players ripping on Jose Bautista in spring of last year (presumably April) were ripping on a guy hitting .200 with 4 home runs. 

  28. All I want is for AA to call a press conference, come out in a black suit and black Raybans, and proceed to give a three hour power point display on advanced metrics showing how preposterous this is, and how other teams home/road splits look (*cough*Rangers), then say “fuck with me” and walk off.

  29. *starts slow clap*

  30. Just wait until the Jays start contending in this division, those Yankee whiners will be bitching all the time.

  31. let me sum up the ramblings of every Jays fan today:


  32. let me sum up the ramblings of Grow Up Kids today:

    “I suck cock for quarters”

  33. My mother always told me sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, but I love it! Stoeten, when am I buying you a beer!!!

  34. I’m not surprised that the Yankees and Red Sox are making these claims b/c I believe Jose Bautista turned down their 500 million/ 2 years contract to stay in Toronto. I’m 100% sure that the next article that Mrs. Amy “Bullshitter” Nelson is gonna write is “Sting Rays in Tropicana Field accused of giving signs to Tampa Bay hitters”

  35. Maybe the man in white only bought a flex-pack, not full season tix.

  36. Let me sum up the ramblings of the reporters on espn: 

    “Umm the jays hit more home runs at home and a couple yankees told us stuff but we didn’t get any pictures or any video proof of it but its the yankees they gotta be right”

  37. ESPN Editing Room

    “Amy, says here you submitted a story about a MLB team stealing signs to hit more HRs”

    “Yes, sir that’s correct.”

    “Do you have ANY conclusive evidence to support these wild accusations?”

    “Well, uh…you see–”

    “Does it slander the RedSox, Phillies or Yankees?”

    “Oh. Why actually, no, it doesn’t.”

    “Ok then, run the story. And while I have you here, how ’bout a quick blowjob?”

  38. How did Elvis manage to get seats directly at centre field?

  39. First of all, with regards to the man in white sitting in the same seat every game: I also have a white shirt that I wear to every game I go to, I call it my Jays jersey.  If a man was trying to stand out of the crowd at the rogers center you would think he would pick a colour different than the official jersey.

    Secondly, they say themselves in the article that all of this doesn’t prove anything.  You would think after doing a year long investigation they would have found some proof were this at all credible.

  40. Yeah, it was a great article with lots of research and a smoking gun, what were we thinking. You fucking waste of space. If the article had said that the mystery dude had worn a necklace of throbbing cocks I guess we would have just identified our man. 

  41. ** Slow clap **

  42. Omg, really.  I was going to say it’s amazing all this complaining and the Jays aren’t even competitive in this division.  Could you imagine if they were? 

  43. Travis Snider has been my best pupil

  44. I haven’t laughed this hard since I was reading some creationist shit about noah’s ark a few months ago.  I’m in tears. 

  45. I already have tickets bought for section 101 far corner. see you there. 

  46. LOL cuz im ghey LOL

  47. I’m betting it’s that retarded guy who harrasses the opposing bullpen for candy and gatorade.  It’s the perfect disguise.

  48. “The next day, the players who had seen the man in white headed to the field early. One stood in the batter’s box while another stood on the mound. From the batter’s box, it was clear the man in white had been perfectly positioned just above the pitcher’s head so that the batter would not need to move his own head, or even alter his gaze, in order to see his signal. “It’s premeditated,” said one of the AL players, “as if the guy was a sniper trying to find the best position to make a shot.”"

    This is fucking bullshit. The spot above the pitcher’s head is occupied by 2 fucking closed off black tarp sections. It’s not possible for the batter to receive these so-called signs without having to “even alter his gaze”.

  49. Did they have a matching guy out in left-centre to help out the lefties?  Or is this moronic article just based on Bautista?

  50. Is this more or less irresponsible than Damien Cox’s “gotta ask the question” bullshit screed?

  51. You’re also acting like a sore little bitch, but yes, that’s the bulk of it. 

  52. And THAT, my brother, is why I want this team to stay in this division! When the Jays are contending, we’ll represent a fucking international incident waiting to happen with every away game we play in the AL East. If they’re spewing this now, imagine the fucking possibilities when we reach the 95+ win plateau…

  53. Did they have a matching guy out in left-centre to help out the lefties? Or is this moronic article just based on Bautista?

    A logical question to ask, but Amy K. Nelson and Peter Keating’s crack research shows that every single Jays batter hit right-handed in 2010. Welp. 

    A team once trotted out a MIDGET. Who WALKED. That is a million times more unbelievable than a guy figuring it all out during his peak power years but ESPN is paying people to write stories that are little more than poorly-supported fake conspiracies. In the follow-up article we will find that the “man in white” wore a bedsheet over himself and keened ooOoOOOoOOOoO all game long (making him still marginally less annoying than the two douchebag fake umps from last year).

  54. That article got so many facts wrong. Not the lest of, it was I that yelled at Bautista from RF. Not that player to be named later.

  55. so, we’re all going to wear white and wave a lot at tonight’s game, right?

  56. Okay in April of 2010 only two games did @joeybats hit home runs @ the Skydome. He hit two against the Royals including one in his final AB. The other against……the Red Sox in the 4th inning. IF there was going to be any truth to the name calling from the bullpen it would be that game and that bullpen.

  57. The “man in white” is perfectly positioned to relay signs without the hitter even having to alter his gaze? This would make more sense if the guy ran to the other side of the covered seats to account for the fucking left-handed hitters who clearly are at a different angle than right-handed hitters. I also recall Lyle Overbay and Adam Lind doing pretty well last year with the power numbers. Even Travis Snider when he was given a chance.

  58. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  59. Good stuff, really clever. A lot of dicksmearing nobodies get tripped up and put in too many “w”s but you’re a killer.  Your talent for championing the worst writing on the Internet is going to get you that coveted staff position at grantland. 

  60. In a related story, Grow Up Kids revealed that he still believed in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. When reached for comment Mr. Kids told ESPN that the Yankees and Red Sox told him that they were real, so they must be real.

  61. Boom.  love it.

  62. you’re spiraling, dear.

  63. This is an incredible day in Jays land…ESPN actually knows the Jays exist!

  64. Sadly, you’re being duped by a couple of sensationalists looking to make a name for themselves and get a massive number of page hits. As Dubya would say: “Mission Accomplished”.

  65. If it’s the White Sox, that places Pierzynski at the center. Bet I can find four non anonymous sources who’ll go on record identifying him as a fuckstain.

  66. haha, your anger over an article about a kid’s game is very amusing. and i never once said the article was true, just that some of you were whining like little children, which you keep proving with each post. get over it. it’s fucking baseball. ESPN doesn’t have anything against Toronto, and you aren’t on the team, no matter how much you want to believe you are.

  67. why troll no capitalize anything except ESPN and Toronto?  not even himself.  poor troll. poor self.

  68. You are a barely literate garbage whore that was completely out of his league on this site. Your comments were stupid, juvenile and  a waste of everyone’s time. You weren’t funny and you weren’t clever. This site has enough people who are low quality and contribute nothing. After getting called out for being a bitch-ass tranny, you then tried to play the “i never said the article was true!!!!” tactic, thus completely backing down. 

    The best move you could have made was to have stopped fucking posting after you put your toe in the water and got annihilated, faggot. 

  69. Calling me a “bitch-ass tranny,” and a “faggot” proves you are not stupid and juvenile. And I never did say the article was true, not once. You are getting incredibly sore over an article about a baseball team that you happen to like. That is incredibly funny and childish, and i will continue to take pleasure in your ignorance and your absurd sensitivity to the smallest criticism of your team. Well, not YOUR team.

  70. funny how after rigging a world series the White Sox can make such bold claims.

  71. Oh you’re just laughing at it all! In case you’re too stupid to read, I have spent zero posts talking about the article that you found interesting and provocative, Mr. Law, and many of them saying the most awful things in the world to you, which you are bending over and taking with a smile on your face. I’m not really on this site to talk about the nuanced aspects of baseball, I’m on this site because it attracts the kind of homonoid-browed fuckface that soaks up the worst abuse in the world like a sado-masochistic sponge. 

    Also, unclear on what you meant in regards to the article — if I scroll up twice you clearly say that you thought it was true. Do you not see the same thing? 

  72. no, I don’t see the same thing. 

  73. It’s such a shame Amy K. Nelson is actually kinda hot. But damn, this bitch be REAL crazy. *sighs*

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