With apologies to Justin Verlander and Jose “I’m sure as hell not the same at home after that ESPN Mag sign-stealing story” Bautista, Jennings has been the best player in either league since Tampa brought him up. – Bill Simmons in his latest MLB mail bag back-and-forth with Jonah Keri at Grantland.

Oh yes, Bill. Smile your smug fucking shit-eating grin as you attempt, through sheer force of bloated ego, to run full-steam three weeks late– presumably to maintain the hilarious charade of your credibility as a non-company man– into the horseshit ESPN wagon-circling around Amy K. Nelson and Peter Keating’s shittiest cheaters ever story– you know, the one with a statistical argument more full of holes than the dead corpses of pop culture references that you fuck the shit out of constantly as the foundation of your tired shtick– with a salvo so fucking asinine it would make a Bleacher Report writer blanch.

The story was published on August 10th. In the first four games after it, all at home, Bautista hit .308/.500/.538 with a home run, good for a 1.038 OPS. He then went on the road and put up a line of .471/.667/1.000/1.667 in six games, with a pair of home runs– because I guess now that the jig is up at Rogers Centre he only gets his super special extra secret help on the road, right???

Oh, but then we have smoking gun! After the Jays came back from Seattle and Oakland, Bautista hit a measly 208/.345/.542/.886 with two more home runs– an OPS around that of what Albert Pujols, Jacoby Ellsbury and Mike Stanton have each put up on the season. WHY HAVEN’T THEY KICKED THIS FUCKING OBVIOUS CHEATER’S SORRY ASS OUT OF BASEBALL ALREADY, EH DICKHEAD?

I know, I know, judging by its tone the piece is clearly attempt at some kind of a hackneyed lighthearted larf of a zany goof. But even so, people believe this horseshit. One imagines that they might even assume that the most famous working sportswriter in the fucking world would actually take the two seconds necessary to see if the numbers backed up his off-hand agreement with an article that pushed right up to the line of calling the best hitter in baseball a cheater, then backed off like a cheap shit high school essay test answer. It’s kind of astoundingly goddamned lazy and ridiculous– and therefore, I think, an exquisitely worthy entry into The Book Of Moron.

Hat tip to friend of the blog– well… some of us– @Chris_Hamm for the link.

Comments (23)

  1. Wow, totally hadn’t noticed that link/comment until now. Thanks for ripping the sh*t out of him, Stoeten!

  2. I wish people would go off on Simmons’ bullshit more often. A couple of weeks back, he made a crack about the Jays being forgettable in response to a question about the team’s promising future.

  3. Expecting fact-checking from Simmons (or anything on Grantland, since Simmons is the EIC) is like expecting change back from a hooker.

  4. Read that this afternoon because, well, Jonah Keri was the other author in the correspondence. Had about the same reaction. 

  5. I had the same reaction until I remembered that occasionally Simmons likes to throw little barbs like this out there just to see how many wild overreaction emails he can get.  I assume that this is what this is, and can easily see his Friday mailbag reading a couple of these emails, and then giving his, “I was just kidding, you crazy Canadians … Bautista is great.”

    Either that or he’s using his grand public stage to discredit the biggest threat to his 3 Red Sox’s chances to win the MVP.  I really think its the first one though.

  6. I’m starting to think us Jays fans are a touch too sensitive…

  7. Glad to see I wasn’t the only one pissed off about this

  8. I’m normally 100% behind this feature, but this edition seems like one of those molehill-to-mountain scenarios. You know what else is “kind of astoundingly goddamned lazy and ridiculous”? Publishing (even online) a piece that is nothing more than an alleged email argument between coworkers. If we’re going to criticize the piece, let’s criticize the fact that it exists at all, and that Simmons got paid for it. It’s not funny (shocker: he’s not a comedian) and it’s not informative. But the Bautista line was a throwaway joke (a bad one) in a piece that wasn’t meant to be read too closely.

    The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

  9. The worst thing about the piece is that Simmons thinks Desmond Jennings is the best thing since sliced bread because he has him on his fantasy team.  It’s not the first time he’s made nudge-nudge accusations about Bautista, but really his baseball knowledge is weak and as much as he’d like to cast himself as a “stats guy” he’s really stuck in the 90s, just like his pop culture references.

  10. This seems like a great place to link to this utter assassination of Simmons in particular,  Grantland in general, and Klosterman because he hangs around there.  It’s really long, but if Simmons annoys the fuck out of you, this will articulate those feelings much better than you probably could.  I evil-laughed just about the whole way through.  Enjoy, but be forewarned, again, it’s very long, but very, very thorough.

    You did a good job on this isolated incident though, Stoeten. 


  11. I’ve got Brett Lawrie on my fantasy team. That’s waaaay better. (cuz he’s Canadian to boot. Suck it Parkes)

    Great rip on Simmons though Stoeten. I enjoy the tirade posts. 

  12. Typical my shit smells like roses shtick from Simmons. Uninformed, researched, unfounded, unfunny and utltimately narcistic and self-indulgent. Keri’s self-deprecating style barely camouflages the fact that he pretty much destroys Simmons here because Simmons brings nothing except stuborness to the table. Yeah the Bautista comment was dumb but so was every argument Simmons attempts to make in this piece. 

  13. You’re an idiot…I’m going to put this article in my Book of Moron because Bautista is NOT the best hitter in baseball and it has NOTHING to do with whether or now he is stealing signs…

  14. Wow, you make a VERY good ARGUMENT by capitalizing every other WORD without actually saying ANYTHING of SUBSTANCE.

    Numbers don’t lie, bitch. Nobody is even close to Bautista this year.

  15. Uninformed, researched, unfounded, unfunny and utltimately narcistic and self-indulgent.

    * unresearched

  16. I mean, Desmond Jennings is good and all, and he’s gotten off to a great “start” in his big league career, but holy deification Batman.  This isn’t basketball.

  17. Let’s be serious, if the article were about Lawrie, we’d be thrilled.

  18. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   I enjoyed this much more than some of the other B.O.M. entries.  Well done.

  19. BS.  Everyone knows that Brian Tallet is top MVP candidate.

  20. This article got me thinking: which members of the 1985 Boston Celtics are which characters from the Karate Kid? It’s just like my dad always says. Is Kevin Garnett the Sonny Corleone of the Simmons Scale of Boston Sports and Godfather Characters?? Tom Brady’s easily a 7.0 on the Clutch Scale, above Kevin Youkilis but below the dragon from Neverending Story. My dad’s fantasy Boston Sports pop culture is almost better than Red Sox Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse Manchester United crying myself to sleep. YEP, THESE ARE MY READERS!

  21. Did anyone see Tallett on Sportsnet after the game? He was very upset with himself & took full responsibility for his poor performance.

    I hope Francisco isn’t seriously hurt

  22. Tried reading what you posted, but it is such utter drivel. If you are going to attack Simmons and Klosterman for being blowhards, why not try something concises and to the point (As opposed to just more rancid hot air).

  23. That MR Destructo post is actually one of the better sports articles I have read in a long time. Made me think about life once or twice through. 

    Also, thanks for calling out Simmons, Stoeten.

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