It’s Friday fucking afternoon and I really, really wanted to ease my way into the weekend, but I just don’t think that’s going to be possible now, thanks to Steve fucking Simmons of the Toronto Sun, who’s managed to get my blood boiling with his adept, technical demonstration of cheap shit hackery that bemoans the Jays home record– for some unimaginable fucking reason– and furiously gropes around for disappointment in a season that went pretty much exactly as anybody who wasn’t completely delusional kinda expected it to.

Holy shit, guys, did you know that the Jays haven’t made the playoffs in a really long time? WHY HASN’T SOMEONE SNAPPED THEIR FINGERS AND DONE SOMETHING ABOUT THIS??????? YAAARRRRHHHHGGGFFF!!!!!

Seriously.

Simmons actually goes through the litany of failure that has plagued this franchise since the Gord Ash era, presumably just to reinforce his pissy little negative mood, because what in the name of magical fucking space daddy all that has to do with the 2011 Blue Jays season is beyond my fucking comprehension.

That, however, is just the meat of the piece. And moronic as it is, his premise is even moronic-er.

According to Simmons it’s axio-fucking-matic that “to win divisions, to challenge, to qualify for playoffs in baseball, you have to be considerably better at home than you are on the road. It really is that simple an equation.”

Shit! And here I’ve spent all this time thinking that you just have to be a really good baseball team. Screw getting better, what the Jays need to do is focus on getting better at home! It really is that simple an equation!!!!!!!!

But… ruh-roh! There’s a problem…

“They won’t get better at home,” Simmons says, “without bigger crowds and won’t get bigger crowds until they get better at home.”

YOU JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND.

But… but… that’s it! Right fucking on, Simmons! Turn that horseshit “win and fans will show up” tripe right on it’s cocksuckin’ ass! You know and I know that this franchise is doomed to be shitty forever! I mean, how else do you explain their long exile from the playoffs? Bad management? Other teams with astronomical payrolls? Pffft. Goddamn right that’s a shit-load of shit milk! Obviously the Jays are just caught in some kind of incomprehensible attendance-related Catch 22 as punishment from the Baseball Gods for… um… well… they just are! AND I’M SICK OF THIS GODDAMN OPTIMISM EVERY YEAR! OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE TRUTH, ASSHOLESSSSSSSSSS!!!!

The Jays, by the way, went 5-9 in home games with attendance over 30,000 this year, and 11-12 in ones with attendance over 25,000. Meaning, of course, that they were 6-3 in home games when the attendance was between 25- and 30,000!!!! Clearly that’s the magic number– the ideal crowd size to motivate players to be their best. And obviously, next year, the Jays should just cap all crowds at 29,999. Obviously! I mean, what other option do they have? It really is that simple an equation!

Or maybe this whole thing is fucking stupid.

Comments (31)

  1. Stoeten, I love every post. Classic

  2. Steve Simmons looks like a vampire

  3. Did THAT ever need to be said. 

  4. Best book of moron yet.

  5. I was trying to find a sarcastic way to bring up the Rays success are their (lack of) attendance, but I couldn’t think of one so I’ll just post this instead.

  6. What is it about Simmonses?

  7. Attendance is pretty sure to go up next year with a full year of Lawrie Maple-Boner mania and some of the kids coming up. The start of this season, with Nix, Patterson, Davis and the other members of the journeymen’s hall of fame in the lineup, crushed the joy out of watching Blue Jays games and dealt a ‘nads blow to attendance. That won’t be the case next year (I pray to whatever gods control such things). With attendance up next year, I guess we are guaranteed a playoff spot, according to Simmons 

  8. “In a 17-year-cycle that’s eight times being fourth, eight times being
    third, one time finishing last in the American League East.”

    This is just factually incorrect.

  9. Steve Simmons is the Sarah Palin of Toronto Sports Media. 

    Discuss.

  10. “That won’t be the case next year”

    Hahahahaha I do like your optimism crack. “Costs must be brought in line with revenues.”

    Wait ’til next owner.

  11. Denial is what keeps me going

  12. This blog makes my day, every day!!!!

  13. Attendance is up this year… 1, 818,130 this year, vs 1,625,555 last year, according to ESPN (I think the 2010 # includes the games in Philly).  That’s an increase of 192,575 over last year, just over 10%.

  14. Thank you for saying what needed to be said. I’m quite sure both Simmonses will find themselves in the Book of Moron many times over. What an honour. Steve is quite the dullard whose ignorance manages to stand out in a town whose sports media seems to be teeming with dullards.

  15. He slept with a Raptor??

  16. Steve “The Truth” Simmons knocks it out of the park again.

  17. How does base running affect Bautista’s WAR?

  18. We can’t handle “the truth”. Steve considers it his sacred duty to shower us with truthiness every day with the zeal of a missionary.

  19. Base stealing is part of wOBA or wRC (not sure which one) which goes into the fangraphs calculation of WAR. There’s also a separate baserunning component which is the non-base stealing baserunning. Elvis Andrus has the best MLB rating at +6.9 runs above average (a little over half a win). Paul Konerko is the worst at -10.3 (roughly one win lost to shitty baserunning). Jose Bautista (believe it or not) is tied with Brett Gardner at +3.4. Huh?

  20. Clearly SS is correct and you are all just in denial.  I point to your Toronto Maple Leafs.  They sell out every single night, pre-season included, and look at how they are dominating.  Hey, the proof is in the numbers and you don’t have to look to far to find the evidence.

  21. You’re giving too much credit to Sarah Palin.  I wonder if Simmons can see Alaska from his perch at the Toronto Sun (oops) – I mean if his fat puckhead noggin can see beyond his ass.

  22. “And hey, whatever became of Steve Simmons?”

  23. Any day now I expect Simmons to write an article questioning if Alex Anthopoulos is really Canadian, demanding that Alex produce his birth certificate.

  24. What the hell are you doing reading the Sun anyway? You’re just asking for it.

  25. I knew I recognized Simmons’ pic from somewhere. He had to be one of two guys, and now I’ve figured out which one. He’s Harold from Red Green, because Lewis from Revenge Of The Nerds can’t be that much of a moron.

  26. Not completely surprising. Bautista does plenty of good things on the bases but people just remember the bad stuff.

  27. “”In a 17-year-cycle that’s eight times being fourth, eight times being
    third, one time finishing last in the American League East.”

    This is just factually incorrect.”

    Yep. I’m not sure what the fuck he’s talking about here, and it’s quite clear that he isn’t either. Is the 17 year cycle 1994-2010 or 1995-2011? I would say probably 1995-2011 because he mentions the fourth place finish this year and there were no playoffs in 1994. If that’s the case it’s:

    2nd place – 1 (2006)
    3rd place – 8 (1998-2003, 2005, 2007)
    4th place – 5 (1996, 2008-2011)
    5th place – 3 (1995, 1997, 2004)

    Isn’t there an old saying that goes something like “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story”? I know it’s hard to count Steve-O, but if you can’t get these basic, mundane facts correct, what the fuck does that say about the rest of your article? The only one of four different types of finishes that he had the right number for was the 3rd place finishes, and I guess the zero for 1st place finishes, but we all painfully know about that one. 25% equals an F for the math skills there moron.

  28. Exactly. A little bit of confirmation bias, though I too would’ve thought he would be a little bit lower. Certainly not: “Worst fucking baserunner the Blue Jays have ever had” lower, but lower. I think it’s because the baserunning mistakes he makes are so dunderheaded that maybe we count each one of them as 2 or 3 instead of one.

  29. Glad to see there are just as stupid writers in Toronto as is with the pathetic garbage I hear in the Philadelphia area… You don’t need to know anything about baseball in order to report or write about it….

  30. The only thing worse than Steve Simmons on the page is Steve Simmons on the tube. 

  31. Thats fine, if you only consider the fact that its a few weeks into the season and then discount the Maple Leafs existence for the last whatever many years. But what about last year? Or the year before? Or any year since the lockout? Same attendance, same ‘rabid’ fan devotion, but certainly in no way shape or form a competitive team. Some of these years were downright painful to witness. The Jays may draw more if they win, but I doubt having a sold-out building is the sole determining factor in making them winners. Case in point-Tampa Bay…..

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