It’s Friday fucking afternoon and I really, really wanted to ease my way into the weekend, but I just don’t think that’s going to be possible now, thanks to Steve fucking Simmons of the Toronto Sun, who’s managed to get my blood boiling with his adept, technical demonstration of cheap shit hackery that bemoans the Jays home record– for some unimaginable fucking reason– and furiously gropes around for disappointment in a season that went pretty much exactly as anybody who wasn’t completely delusional kinda expected it to.
Holy shit, guys, did you know that the Jays haven’t made the playoffs in a really long time? WHY HASN’T SOMEONE SNAPPED THEIR FINGERS AND DONE SOMETHING ABOUT THIS??????? YAAARRRRHHHHGGGFFF!!!!!
Simmons actually goes through the litany of failure that has plagued this franchise since the Gord Ash era, presumably just to reinforce his pissy little negative mood, because what in the name of magical fucking space daddy all that has to do with the 2011 Blue Jays season is beyond my fucking comprehension.
That, however, is just the meat of the piece. And moronic as it is, his premise is even moronic-er.
According to Simmons it’s axio-fucking-matic that “to win divisions, to challenge, to qualify for playoffs in baseball, you have to be considerably better at home than you are on the road. It really is that simple an equation.”
Shit! And here I’ve spent all this time thinking that you just have to be a really good baseball team. Screw getting better, what the Jays need to do is focus on getting better at home! It really is that simple an equation!!!!!!!!
But… ruh-roh! There’s a problem…
“They won’t get better at home,” Simmons says, “without bigger crowds and won’t get bigger crowds until they get better at home.”
YOU JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND.
But… but… that’s it! Right fucking on, Simmons! Turn that horseshit “win and fans will show up” tripe right on it’s cocksuckin’ ass! You know and I know that this franchise is doomed to be shitty forever! I mean, how else do you explain their long exile from the playoffs? Bad management? Other teams with astronomical payrolls? Pffft. Goddamn right that’s a shit-load of shit milk! Obviously the Jays are just caught in some kind of incomprehensible attendance-related Catch 22 as punishment from the Baseball Gods for… um… well… they just are! AND I’M SICK OF THIS GODDAMN OPTIMISM EVERY YEAR! OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE TRUTH, ASSHOLESSSSSSSSSS!!!!
The Jays, by the way, went 5-9 in home games with attendance over 30,000 this year, and 11-12 in ones with attendance over 25,000. Meaning, of course, that they were 6-3 in home games when the attendance was between 25- and 30,000!!!! Clearly that’s the magic number– the ideal crowd size to motivate players to be their best. And obviously, next year, the Jays should just cap all crowds at 29,999. Obviously! I mean, what other option do they have? It really is that simple an equation!
Or maybe this whole thing is fucking stupid.