It’s really too easy to piss on Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, and I’m slightly reluctant to pile on after his entry Friday into the Book of Moron, but his column in Sunday’s edition of the paper is just too chock full of insanity to let pass without comment.

And I’m not even referring to his celebration of Matt Kemp’s chase of the triple crown.

Yes, batting average gives a horribly incomplete measure of a player’s worth as a hitter. And the RBI is an even more useless stat. Aaaand, as good as Kemp has been this year, Albert Pujols has had like four seasons with better triple crown stats, he just hasn’t happened to lead the league in all three categories those years.

But I get it. The Triple Crown is an old-timey thing and if someone wants to think it’s cool, that’s fine. Give a shit– I don’t.

It’s later on the the piece, though, where things get infinitely more fucking dumb. Like when Simmons says that if he had an AL MVP vote, “Jose Bautista would be no better than fourth,” behind Ellsbury, Granderson and Verlander.

Oh, but he’s careful not to exactly make the dead-end moronic suggestion that it’s because Bautista isn’t on a playoff teamt. No, no. Simmons would much rather just invent another asinine angle from which to approach the question, explaining that Jose’s numbers weren’t good enough “in the second half, where pennants are won and MVPs born.”

GAH!

So… apparently nothing that happens in the first half has anything to do with pennants being won. Clean slate after the all-star break, eh Stevie! Fucking Bautista and his useless .913 second half OPS, amiright?

The mind fucking boggles… and then explodes into a million-billion pieces later on, when Simmons points out how strikingly similar Verlander and Ricky Romero have been in the second half, in terms of innings, hits, earned runs, homers, opponents average and WHIP.

SO WHY THE FUCK ISN’T RICKY IN THE CONVERSATION? After all, he was as good as Verlander– by your horseshit measures– in the second half, where pennants are won and MVPs born.

Ugh.

Oh, but there’s more.

Simmons also tries to dumb down the fucking mouth-breathers in his audience even further by dumbfuckically declaring that “the absolute best free-agent signing of 2010″ was “Jose Valverde, who has been a perfect 47-for-47 in save situations.”

Does the Toronto Sun actually fucking let someone who is unfamiliar with Cliff Lee and Adrian Beltre write about baseball? Or… wait, what? Best signing of 2010? OK, maybe just doesn’t know who Matt Holiday is.

Whatever the case– and why the fuck he’s talking about a guy who signed two winters ago and referencing his stats this season not withstanding– the fact that Simmons actually, seriously, in two-thousand-and-fucking-eleven thinks that a 0.8 fWAR 70-inning pitcher who walks over 4 guys per nine innings and happens to have somehow managed to not fuck up a save situation is a really, really great signing is… well, I was going to say astounding, but I guess it’s really not. It’s just amazingly fucking wrongheaded.

And there’s still more!

“If Colby Rasmus is such a steal,” Simmons asks, “why is he hitting 60 points less with the Blue Jays (.185) than he hit in St. Louis, where the Cards thought he was slumping?”

BECAUSE IT’S FAR TOO SMALL A SAMPLE SIZE TO BE ANYWHERE CLOSE TO INDICATIVE OF HIS ACTUAL TALENT LEVEL, YOU FUCKING DOLT!

And my personal favourite: “Moneyball is a better book than it is a concept: If the Oakland A’s didn’t have Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson and Barry Zito to base their rotation around, all the rest of the scouting machinations would have been meaningless.”

Because, y’know, if you have three really good pitchers, that’s all you need– right, 2011 San Francisco Giants?

But you’re right, Steve. Oakland didn’t innovate. They just rode the backs of three great pitchers– who the A’s had absolutely nothing to do with acquiring and keeping– and definitely didn’t start looking for market inefficiencies and opportunities to exploit the system in ways that were later adopted by Boston, Toronto, Tampa and basically the entire rest of the fucking league. Just totally meaningless scouting machinations, right?

For fuck sakes.

I mean, I’ll at least give Simmons one thing: he sure as fuck is willing to keep on waging a losing battle.

But my god, it’s fucking unbelievable that major newspapers actually continue to employ columnists to shit out thoughts so outdated and plainly wrong that they would have just about every front office in the league laugh in their fucking faces for offering such “expertise.” Just seriously unbelievable.

Comments (29)

  1. booya

  2. I wonder how much of this shit Steve Simmons actually believes, and how much is fed to him by higher ups to keep from alienating dumbfuck readers. That’s the only explanation I can derive to figure out this man’s asinine stupidity.

  3. I suspect you could do this with Simmons’ Sunday column every week on whatever sports he has chosen to write about.

  4. The Toronto Sun is a newspaper?  I thought it was a “news”-paper.

  5. That’s what sadly happens when you live in a country where all anyone cares about is fucking hockey. Hockey writers talking about baseball.  Try listening to Damien Cox talk about tennis bwahahaahah, now THAT’S PAINFUL.

  6. Its pretty pathetic when losers like stoeten and parkes can’t write anything original and have to attack other writers.  Really raising the bar aren’t you? Get a real job douchebags.

  7. Fucktard stoeten last year said we shouldn’t believe Bautista’s numbers because of small sample size.  Now he says we shouldn’t believe ramus numbers. So which should we believe, his .714 ops his first full year? Or maybe his .703 ops this full year? Or the one fluky year last year?  You know what happens when you ignore shittiness and believe 1 fluky year? That’s how shitballers like aaron hill stick around so long.

  8. Sadly, Stoetenisacocksucker happens to be Steve Simmons’ target audience.

    ‘Get a real job’ might be my favourite dumbass cliche.  The guy who says that also has a bumper sticker on his car that says ‘Out of a job yet? Keep buying foreign!’ without realizing that the majority of the parts in his vehicle were manufactured in Mexico.

  9. It’s the Sun. If they had any intelligent writers they would loose most of their readership.

    “But my god, it’s fucking unbelievable that major newspapers actually continue to employ columnists to shit out thoughts so outdated and plainly wrong that they would have just about every front office in the league laugh in their fucking faces for offering such “expertise.” Just seriously unbelievable.”

  10. Buh-bye, asshole.

  11. I have a candidate for Today in Morons: the Rogers marketing/advertisement staff. The mos recent ad with the two guys watching the game behind the BBQ while the wives are unaware is fucking stupid. Why? Because they show a closeup on the laptop screen of Jose Bautista at the plate swinging through a strike, then they cut to a long shot of the wives at the table with the fellas in the background where they erupt in cheers. Sooo, these fucking idiots are obviously not Jays fans, right? They are cheering a swinging strike on Bautista. MORONS in promoting their own team.

  12. When I started to read this comment, I thought you were going to talk about the downright asininity of putting a laptop right next to a really, really hot barbeque. That scene is not going to end well folks.

  13. Yay! Weekend Book of Moron and our first multi-award winning columnist. Congratulations Steve! I doubt you’ll have to wait too long before your fellow Simmons, Bill joins you as a Multi Moron. Your family must be so proud.

  14. yes, there is that stupidity also.

    For real fun now (with Red Sox and Patriots losses today – Go Bills!!!), check out the WEEI live stream. Makes me smile.

    http://player.streamtheworld.c

  15. I want you to pluck my ass hairs with a tweezer. SO BAD.

  16. I’m just proud it was a Canadian. Means a lot for the country. 

  17. I just want to say how much better I feel about this team when I have seen so many more players brought up from the minors and given a chance (I guess Snider excepted). This is what Minnesota does- they give their players so much incentive to work their ass off to get a shot with the big club. It drove me nuts that JP Ricciardi wouldn’t do this and always went with the re-tread veteran. I know Wise and Woodward were actually on the team but things are going in a much better direction than before.

    Always try to fill a hole internally first through your farm system. Your minor league players are going to be g0ing all Brett Lawrie trying to make it to the majors ASAP.

  18. So If the Red Sox dont make the playoffs, then that means Ellsbury couldnt be MVP right? #mainstreammedialogic

  19. Which leaves the award for Johnny Damon, whose veteran presence has carried the Rays. 

  20. Ya really need those veterans on your roster.  Don’t believe me?  Think where the Jays’d be without Mark Teahen and Shawn Camp.  They’d be in a whole mess of trouble, I’ll tell you what.

  21. Kind of agree a little regarding the A’s. That troika of pitchers were the cogs that got the A’s into the playoffs. (Giambi, Tejada, Chavez were nice prospects as well)

    Getting on base wasn’t some radical process. As a kid in the 80′s I had plenty of coaches tell me that a walk was as good as a hit including my dad whose no baseball guru. Although credit to Beane and his staff that they recognized that other teams weren’t valuing such things as much anymore. For whatever reason.

    What’s stranger to me is that guys in the mainstream media still have to rag on a precept that is years old, or basically ancient history in the world of sports.

    It’s sad that media in Canada don’t pump Bautista’s tires more. Rogers went hogwild trying to get Bautista voted a starter in the allstar game but then fall silent when it comes to the MVP chase? This sort of shit is won by the MSM stumping for some dude becauses its those dudes that vote for it. Look at Boston. First it was AGON MVP!!! Then Pedroia, then Ellsbury.

    But the Toronto is so fucking stupid that they’d rather believe that Joey Bats is a drug taking, signal stealing, piece of shit.

  22. Lackey not only sucks chode, he’s a scumbag:

    http://www.tmz.com/2011/09/26/

  23. only good thing about the major newspaper columnists writing shit is reading the ripping you guys give it, lol, too funny.  And I agree.  I bet I could write that shit for half the money in my spare time.  Stupid Toronto media trying to apply the pressure, I sure as hell hope it doesn’t work.

  24. So weird to have the season end on a Wednesday.  Sure I’ll listen to the game at work this Wed, but it’s not the same as clearing your schedule on a Sunday to enjoy the last Jays game of the year. 

  25. dude, simmons is absolutely right about the zito, mulder, hudson scenario.  Comparable to the Giants last year, Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez and Bumgarner carried them through the season and playoffs, and that rag-tag offence, much like Oaklands in 2002,  was able to come up with key production when it really mattered. why are you hating on that?

  26. Because, y’know, if you have three really good pitchers, that’s all you need– right, 2011 San Francisco Giants?
    This.

  27. I don’t think anyone disagrees that Zito, Mulder, and Hudson were very important to the A’s success in the early 2000s, or that Lincecum et al were very important to the Giants’ run last year. But the key difference is that the A’s had a much more effective offensive for a much smaller price. They scored a pile of runs with a very good pitching staff, which is why they sustained success for a prolonged period. 

  28. pitch perfect observations.

    by any extension of the ‘sample size’ argument there’s no way all the jackasses talking hot shit about “AA is a ninja” shouldn’t eat their own turdwords. Let’s just fucking step back can we? Rasmus? no one fuckin knows yet. Guys like wilner et all were sucking snider’s cock a year ago. no what are you putting in your mouths? your fuckin thumbs i guess.

    Bautista is amazing to have on this team; but has his second half really been indicative of “THE BEST PLAYER IN BASEBALL” like all you fucking sycophants have been parroting all year? no really, right?

    so yeah, maybe simmons is a bit of a wank; but come on… some seriously stupid shit has festooned this here publication as well.

    suck it.

     

  29. Dear mr. Stoeten, Thanks for the best article in the history of the internet.  Fuck Steve Simmons.  Goddamn, he is the biggest moron in the history of writing.

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