Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun isn’t a stranger to writing moronic things about baseball, and just in case you weren’t clear on where he stands on the being hopelessly fucking wrong about baseball or not question, in his latest piece– the absurdly-titled and even less thought through If Jays’ Farrell wants out, say so– his unsubstantiated shorthand for “John Farrell wasn’t great” last year is: “It’s not like Farrell came across as the next Tony LaRussa or anything.”
Um… newsflash: if you actually believe that a manager is capable of managing his way to a World Series title– which is stupid enough– and that Tony LaRussa is one of these otherworldly baseball geniuses, please account for the 30 baseball seasons LaRussa has managed that didn’t end in a championship– let alone the decision to let Marc Rzepczynski face Mike Napoli last night.
Or… actually, save your breath, because that’s not even what I want to talk about– it’s not anywhere close to the most irksome thing about this article.
No, what really sticks in my craw is the huffing and puffing of Simmons as he demands that John Farrell stand up and meet some kind of unusual and entirely unnecessary standard of conduct that the writer has completely pulled out of his own fucking ass.
“John Farrell needs to stand up and say something,” he says.
“He needs to be clear and concise and without any kind of contradiction,” he continues.
“He needs to say he’s not leaving the Blue Jays, that he has no intention of leaving the Jays, that he won’t consider any offer from the Boston Red Sox — or any other team — at this time,” Simmons writes, mountains of righteous indignation welling up inside his hollow head.
“And he needs to say it loudly, strongly, and with conviction.”
Um… OK. Why?
Could’ja maybe explain that one to me, Steve. Like, I don’t think it would be good for this situation to hang over the two clubs for months or anything, but… no one in their right mind could possibly expect that it would. Couldn’t we– I don’t know– give it a couple days? Or will the tidal wave of hysterical fucking lunatics you presume to make up the Jays’ fan base have, by then, risen up, cancelled their season tickets, burned down Rogers Centre and left downtown Toronto a smoldering hole?
Seriously though, what the fuck is with the ultimatum, and why the fuck has Steve Simmons taken it upon himself to issue it?
“As long as there are whispers about Farrell, any kind of whispers, anything with a loophole, this situation won’t be put to rest,” he writes. “It needs to end now. One way or the other. The Blue Jays deserve that. Toronto fans deserve that.”
Like… HE’S SO ADORABLE! Look at him, putting his newspaper man hat on like a big boy and getting the press card in it just so before he lets all the phony urgency bullshit dribble out his mouth.
Of course, it might not be so laughable if, y’know, he had a point. But insisting that the Jays and their fans can’t possibly wait another second without someone stroking their hands, telling them everything is alright? That the common courtesy of allowing a man to weigh his options at a time like this– completely fucking hypothetical as it may be– is a respect John Farrell doesn’t deserve? That this non-story that’s being so ferociously driven by a bored, cynical, hypercompetitive media clique demands answers now now now now now now now?
If there’s anything resembling a single reason in the goddamn world for any of that, um… how about you say so?