We’re down to the last week of the season, and the time has come for taking a long look in the mirror– sadly not a euphemism– which means that I’ve been combing through the archives for some season-end stuff. And what better way to quickly sweep all our memories of this wretched season under the carpet than to start writing its damn epitaph early, while barely making a nod in the direction of what was actually going on with the club.

In other words: here are a bunch of shitty Photoshops I (mostly) did, starting from last October, all the way up to this month…

Oh, I’m sorry, would you rather talk about last night’s Baltimore shitcanning?

With Griff having fucked off from his mail baggin’ for weeks, I’d had it up to here with not having any reader questions to answer (and what was I going to do, get people to mail them to me?), so I went and did the next best thing, getting my fingerprints all over Gregor’s bag for a change.

Stoeten Answers Gregor Chisholm’s Mail Bag – 10/19/11


Back before any of the “consequence free” clubhouse bullshit cropped up, John Farrell had garnered himself a reputation as an intimidating, hulk of a man, who– legend had it– would have kept those imploding, chicken-eating, beer-drinking, vid game-playing motherfuckers in Boston from poisoning the well and causing the entire Masshole Nation to crumble into the ocean.

John Farrell: Intimidator


Wherever JP Ricciardi goes to spill a bunch of bullshit, the JP Ricciardi Bullshit Translator 3000 is there to scoop it up. And… er… translate it.

The JP Ricciardi Bullshit Translator 3000: 2011 Edition



As I explained at the time, “there’s no proper, large picture of Bob Elliott of the Toronto Sun that I can find via Google Images, so I just took one of the shitty small ones and filled in what I figured the rest looked like in MS Paint– minus his left hind leg, which I couldn’t fit in there without it looking like a dick.”

Bob Elliott: Rumour Monger


OK, so maybe it’s recycled from a little farther back than the scope of this post is supposed to go, but what would a DJF Photoshop post be without John Farrell’s Charles-Bronson-as-Judd-Hirsch turn in our woefully underused Dear John… graphic?

Wilner: Farrell Speaks!


Recycled from an old post I did on theScore.com Blog, I welcomed to the Rogers family the Leafs, Raptors, TFC, and a “sizable stake in Toronto’s booming future ghetto condo market” with Unknown Pleasures, my second favourite piece of sports-themed album cover art after Sonic WWF.

Welcome to the (Dysfunctional) Family (Sorta): Rogers and Bell Buy MLSE


When it comes to questions of payroll and Rogers, Alex Anthopoulos is like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie… wearing so much makeup that half his face somehow looks more pale than the rest of his skin, evidently.

Where’s the Money, Anthopoulos?


A cartoon Alex Anthopoulos with his feet up sure seemed a whole lot more adorable at one point than it does now, didn’t it? Maybe if he’d acquired anything other than fucking relievers over the past calender year…

Could the Jays’ Off-Season Be Over?


Keith Law is the… er… Law. In a ill-fitting helmet, that is– the kind of flaw that adds a dimension of realism to the character that was sorely lacking in the original. Maybe if you had touches like that I might not keep confusing it with fucking Demolition Man, eh Stallone?

Layin’ Down Even More Law: Minor League Camp Notes


Commenter Indestructible gives a hand with this one (read: he made it), in which it’s suggested that Travis Snider can play entitled, childish pecker with the best of them. If we’d only realized how prescient it was!

Kenny Ken Ken, Snider, and Photoshop Win


Brett Lawrie is Pete Rose… with more natural looking hair, of course.

Kenny Ken Ken Likes Brett Lawrie OK


Why the hell do I not use this hypnotic Danny Knobler graphic more often??!!??!

The Knobler Goes a-Knoblin’: Cecil Edition


Not a Photoshop (no, really), but still wildly important and deserving of being in this post, mostly because I’m pretty sure this was the exact moment the season hit its high water mark. This is you, Toronto. Deal with it.

I’m Sure This Fan Was 19


Not only is this one not a Photoshop, it’s not even a still image. But… fuck it. One last time for good measure, here’s the promo for Getting Blanked.

Getting Promo’d On


Maple explosions of maple ecstasy! It’s maple Justin Morneau, and his maple reported maple courting by the maple Jays!

Transaction Talk: Soler, d’Arnaud, Felix (!?!) and– Gasp!– Morneau


Yet another non-Photoshop to add to the list, this one featuring Jose Bautista….’s funky doppelganger!

Two Mailed-In Posts for the Price of One


Paging Dr. Rosenpenis… the movie Fletch called– it wants its semi-realistic depth perception back. Also, could’ja knock it off with the Upton stuff.

Dr. Rosen Rosen: Jays Interested in Upton


The Mayans warned us about this year. The difficulty of colour matching the fingers and palms a pile of hacked off limbs to a really blue background image, however, I could have totally used a heads up on.

2 0 1 2


It’s just been that kind of year…

Romero’s Season in an Expressionist Painting

Comments (18)

  1. I’d just like to say that this post made me happy and almost forget what a horrible year it’s been to be a Jays fan. Thanks!

  2. Your photoshops are both creative and funny. I always wondered if you did them yourself.

  3. The romero one is blended in very well. I’m impressed.

  4. Fun!

  5. Here I was hoping I’d make the cut:

  6. You are going to have to do this post daily, to keep my spirits up over the offseason….

    REALLY love the 2012 one….awesome…

  7. awesome! thanks for the laughs. The Lawrie one is classic. classic! Looks like a lemming or something. Almost pissed myself with the one of the kid sneaking the beer. Shouldn’t read these at work….too funny.

    • Another older one, but just for the hell of it Stoeten you should have brought back the image of EE fielding 3B with a mischievous Lawrie leering over his shoulder..

  8. I like how Andrew Stoeten swears and acts tough on the web.

    It’s oh-so impressive and cool.

    Scary too.

  9. They’re all very well done, but I gotta tip my cap to the 2012 film spoof as the best. Subtle, yet to the point.

  10. Where is the Yunelbomber? Easily my favourite. Maybe it’s an older one and I never caught it before?

  11. Im making over $7k a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. This is what I do, http://Pink44.com

  12. Cheers to you sir.

  13. Someone post the girl mocking a masshole fan by imitating a bj

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