Listen, we all know that sitting and waiting for a baseball trade to be processed in the middle of November is about as stressful as things can possibly be, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t steps you can take to minimize the insanity and maximize your experience of such an exciting time. As an expert in creative ways to waste time and hide mental instability, I have compiled a pretty comprehensive DO and DON’T list to get us all through this trying time.

DO – Enjoy this livestream of kittens. This will help you keep everything in perspective. Look! They’re sleeping! Aw.

DON’T – Go back to focusing on your job. You’re under appreciated. Are you really going to let “The Man” make you push pencils around while the Jays possibly make franchise-altering moves? Come on. If the boss comes by and tries to give you a hard time, give them the “John Farrell returning to Toronto” treatment and then end it with a “Lo Viste?” to the rest of the office. Everyone will think twice about bothering you until this gets sorted out.

DO – Cruise Jose Reyes’ instagram. Yes, we established earlier this week that Jose Reyes doesn’t have a twitter account, but he (or someone close to him) DOES have an instagram account. His profile pic is already Blue Jay’d up, and I don’t want to spoil the rest of the pictures for you but he seems to enjoy having more money than you’ll ever see.

DON’T – Question why a guy who doesn’t have a twitter account is allowed to wear a hat that says #REAL. Trust me, you’ll just go in circles in a never ending loop in your head and never get anywhere.

How does he know what hashtags are?

DO – Come up with some more big trade ideas to push the Jays over the top. There are still a few holes to fill and more than enough pieces left to make enticing offers to other teams. I mean, who ISN’T lining up to trade their starting LF for one of the Jays catchers? These proposals write themselves!

DON’T – Use JP Arencibia’s twitter handle in those same trade ideas. He can see those, you know.

DO – Constantly refresh DJF. If anything at all happens, rest assured that Stoeten will be all over it. Seriously, he’s not allowed to leave the office if our Jays google alert goes off. I overheard him breaking dinner plans with the Prime Minister or something on Tuesday afternoon when The Trade broke for the first time. Rest assured, the second this post is made completely irrelevant, you’ll know.

DON’T – Read any mainstream sites looking for information. Who’s the best baseball writer for CANADA’S SPORTS LEADER? Scott Ferguson? I don’t think he’s said a swear word since 1963. Mainstream is lamestream, and they all wait wayyyyy too long before giving you all the nitty gritty up-to-the-second details that you desperately thirst for.

DO- Draw up some prospective lineups and a rotation for the 2013 season. Should Rasmus, Lawrie or Emilio be hitting 2nd? Who’s the #5 starter? You decide!

DON’T – Make any “Plan the World Series parade!” jokes. You’re just recycling a terrible joke about the Maple Leafs. It isn’t funny. Ever.

Alternate title: "How to win Canada's Top Sportswriter"

DO – Start talking to your family about which jersey or t-shirt you want as a gift this holiday season. Are you going with a flossy REYES 7, or will you roll the dice with JOHNSON 55? You can run out into the street with it on and be the envy of all your friends who still have Jays gear from the black-and-silver era. Tres Couture.

DON’T – Look at John Buck’s splits against LHP last year. In fact, don’t look at anything involving John Buck at all from last year. Or ever.

DO – Enjoy looking at Mark Buehrle’s history of throwing 200+ innings in the wake of the injury-ravaged season we all just sat through. Mark Beuhrle eats innings for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, four straight (incredibly meaningful) gold gloves!

DON’T – Worry about Josh Johnson’s health. I mean, it’s definitely a huge question mark and probably the scariest part of the whole deal, but worrying about it in November won’t help you. If you can’t help it, remember the kitten stream. They’re healthy!

DO – Have faith that things will work out. Yes, the certification process is taking longer than any trade that any of us can remember, but it’s probably because everyone involved was enjoying their off-season in exotic locations like Dubai or the middle of a bush hunting things, not because this was basically a hoodwinking of the citizens of Miami and most of the guys coming in have health issues.

DON’T – Forget that you can still do some speculating about the management position and how it relates to the trade. We’re totally #relevant right now, the list of possible names is endless!

DO – Enjoy thinking about the ways the newfound flexibility of Bonifacio and Izturis will come in handy. Switch-hitters with so many innings at so many positions! Think of all the defensive substitutions and pinch-running situations! Manager porn!

DON’T – Spend any time thinking about the fact that OMAR FUCKING VIZQUEL played SIXTY FUCKING GAMES last year.

DO – Keep a hint of rational thinking about everything in your mind somewhere. John Hale makes a great point here that should temper your excitement at least a little. There are also still holes to be filled and the rest of the division still has the whole off-season to adjust and plan their attack. (Still, though…)

DON’T – Stop believing. Go Jays.

Comments (88)

  1. This was great. Thanks Archi.

  2. So your saying the Jays are going to win 100+ games and sweep the world series or did I misread this hole post

  3. DO:
    Consider Melky.

    Forget about Moises.

    • I don’t see Melky here. I don’t see the Jays spending all this money and than taking a PR risk.

    • I’m also going to assume that the Jays won’t do any more real spending this offseason, unless they can offload Lind or Buck. I just think the Jays would rather keep payroll flexiblity for the trade deadline, and if Rogers approved them for $120M “if necessary”, it may be good optically to still come in below that. So I think any additions the Jays make will be low cost signings of guys they can get for $3M or less (guys coming off injury, etc.) or trading for young, pre-arb or cheap arb-players.

      If they do spend more, I’ll just take the joy of being very pleasantly surprised again.

    • Moises Alou?…. would be a good hitting coach just saying… I know you meant Sierra….

  4. Zuber the best.

  5. Lol, cool post Archi! Just what I needed to help the day go by. Teh Kitteh stream was cool.. and a little disturbing at the same time though..

  6. Another awesome piece Archi. Keep em coming. I would add:

    DO: Plan on seeing some meaningful baseball in September.

    DON’T: Plan the parade, not just yet.

    AA still has work to do in my opinion. Another arm for the rotation and a decent LH bat for left field, someone like Seth Smith, who might be available from the A’s. AA can call Brad Pitt, um, I mean, Billy Beane, and offer him Moises or a bullpen arm + some B prospect.

    I don’t konw if AA wants to risk signing Melky knowing he was juicing. A non-juicing Melky is what exactly?

  7. Interesting Jose Reyes instagrams. An ongoing series:

  8. Do – dream of the headaches opposing pitchers will have with all our base stealers

    Do – Laugh at the “big markets” that are crying this is an unfair trade

    Don’t – cry and whine when Travis Snider hits a homer for the Pirates

    Don’t – ever forget this journey when we finally reach the top of the mountain

  9. Mainstream is lamestream. Great line Zubes! I’ll be signing all my christmas cards with this line.

  10. So this is not really related but has anyone noticed lately that Buster Olney seems to be going off the deep end?

    Here’s his latest:

    • I agree. But olney has always been bonkers, no?

      • I dunno. I used to really like the guy. He was one of the main reasons I stole the password to my buddy’s ESPN insider login :)

        But maybe I was just naive back then.

    • The Dickey part I disagree with. The Wilpons selling the team, well he’s right on about that. The only reason they still own the Mets after losing all that money to Madoff is … wait for it … SURPRISE! He’s close friends with Bud!

  11. DON’T – listen to the negative nancy’s that still insist on shitting on the trade despite the franchise altering implications because they still can’t fathom that Rogers and AA look like they are actually ponying up this time.

  12. The last one was my favourite, thanks Archi!

  13. Best article ever !! I’m awake at work now

  14. I just read the mocking bird post…all I can say is neh. Its not like Reyes or Buck are going to game change the whole line up, seriously they only difference so far to the Line up is Reyes and either Bonificio or Istruitz. The starting rotation could not possibly get much worse than it was last year after all of the injuires, and if 3 starters go down like they did last year, then holy fuck then its time to worry (not to mention start buying lottery tickets or something), but you have to take a chance that you won’t be so decimated like that again. What AA should be doing now is figuring out how to get some more arms in reserve so that if there is a fallout on the mound, at least there is a back up plan. And maybe a viable LF or DH or both.. possibly.

  15. Well I broke the John Buck rule and looked at two things from 2012 – his walk rate and his BABIP.

    His walk rate was a scarcely believable 12.3%, up from 3.7% in 2010 with the Jays
    His BABIP was .235, against a career average of .268

    Add 30 points to his hitting and OBP and say 40 to his slugging and he is… slugging the same as JPA last year and getting on base WAY better.

    Just saying…

    • I’m skeptical of his walk rate because 2/3 of his Marlins at-bats have been in the #8 spot directly in front of the pitcher and virtually every at-bat has been in the #7 or #8 spot. A fair amount of his unintentional walks are likely due to intentional unintentional walks to get to the pitcher.

      The BABIP is legit though. His batted ball profile looks identical over the past 3 years aside from a plummeting BABIP. His spray chart looks fairly evenly spread out, so I don’t think that’s due to defensive shifting.

      • good point, I hadn’t thought about the switch to the NL bumping his walk rate. The overall point is the same though, he isn’t that different to JPA at this point, albeit one has upside and is cheap and the other doesn’t and isn’t. I don’t see much of a drop if we use Buck until D’Arnaud is ready

  16. Pretty solid except for the kittens. I just sat there watching them sleep. DO SOMETHING ALREADY! APPROVE THE DAMN TRADE KITTENS!
    Sorry…I’m more of a dog person.

  17. Jose Reyes = BALLER!!!

    Not sure what baller is en espanol…?

  18. Since trade idea’s are encouraged in this thread thanks to Zuber:

    To Mariners

    John Buck
    Adam Lind
    $4M in cash
    B prospect (Santiago Nessy?)


    Something – not familiar with their system.. yet. All I know is the Mariners need/want offense.

  19. Shit, those kittens are cute! They are eating now! With their mommy! Finding out about this is only slightly below the trade itself in awesomeness.

  20. I just realized that Jeff Mathis was the SEVENTH best player on the team by WAR last year. Jesus.

  21. That Archi Zuber is a fucked up dude.

  22. could anyone see Jays lining up with Indians on Justin Masterson?

    • What are you going to give the tribe?
      No chance in hell

    • How about David Cooper or Moises Sierra + some B pitching prospect? The Tribe are looking for some cheap MLB talent to fill out their roster. Cooper would fill in nicely at 1B for departed Kotchman. Rumour has it that Choo is being shopped around and Sierra could be a decent option for them in RF.

      Masterson didn’t have a great year in 2012 but he does eat innings and keep the ball in the ballpark, which is a plus for anyone pitching at the Rogers Centre. Is likely getting around $4.5 to $4.7M in his arb year in 2013, which would allow AA some leeway in his salary budget ($120M?).

      I would be calling the Tribe to see if the Jays can’t work out a deal to get Masterson.

      • Not getting it done. Looks how much we had to give up for JA fuckin Happ and Lyon. Masterson is gonna take a hell of a lot more.

        • Sierra + Cooper? Fuck knows what the Tribe might want. As long as the Jays don’t give up d’Arnaud, Sanchez, Syndergaard, Osuna or DJ Davis. JPA might be the key.

          Masterson could fit in nicely with his plus plus sinker.

  23. Also, Jose Reyes instagram, best thing to happen to the world since the trade?

  24. I’ve had a boner since Tuesday.

  25. That John Buck line is awful, but it still does not compare to Adam Lind’s line against LHP in 2010.

    .117 /.159 /.182 /.341

    That is absolutely putrid.

  26. Don’t: Read the Mitch Albom article regarding MVPs. Especially 2 hours before your exam. It’ll getcha all unhappy like.

  27. Jose Reyes instagram name : La Melaza translates to Molasses – sweet, slow (odd?), and is Reyes’ nickname that the Mets even put on an official t-shirt and it tied into his reggaeton love/hobby. Noice!!!

  28. Do – be doo be doo!

  29. Toronto sends:
    Adam Lind (1b)
    Colby Rasmus (CF)

    Minnesota sends:
    Justin Morneau (1b)
    Denard Span (CF)

    Who blinks?

    • Interesting trade – I’d pull the trigger on that

      I don’t know if there’s enough incentive for Minnesota to do that deal as it’s pretty much a wash talent/position-wise. How much money does Minny save in that trade? (I’m assuming Morneau’s contract and Lind’s small contract are what makes Minny even consider this deal?)

      I wonder if we tossed in a pitcher or pitchers if Minny would give us Willingham , , ,

    • Jays pick up about $7.25 million in salary (including Lind’s buy-out and Rasmus arbitration estimate of $4.5). It’s arguable that Rasmus has the most appeal of those involved based on years of control/upside. A bump up to Willingham with arms involved certainly meets the Twins biggest needs. Either way the deal would certainly leave the Jays lineup stacked.

      • I’d rather Lind, Gose, Buck for Morneau and a prospect….I’m gonna believe in Rasmus for one more year…

        • but you will give up on a 22 year old with long term control and better defense and more of the true cf role than rasmus power?

          • Yeah considering his ceiling offensively isnt even close to rasmus’…and i dont see how rasmus isnt a true cf…that being said who knows…he’s a plus defender with plus speed…hit and power are huge question marks…

  30. Cooper and Lind have no value on the market. Neither does Sierra. But what’s great is suddenly they make really nice and cheap bench warmers/backups for the inevitable injuries. Their value is greater in that than it is as a trade chip. Same with a guy like Cecil – we know Cecil can toss 5 innings if need be from time to time (hopefully never have to rely on this, fingers crossed). The difference now, is guys like Cecil, Lind, Sierra, etc wont have to be relied on as longer than short-term stopgaps, which to me, is the makings of a team with depth.

    I’m most curious to see how Sierra develops with some more Latin guys around him with MLB experience – Sierra looks like he could hit .260 with some decent pop and pretty much is the same guy as Thames, but with a way better arm and possibly better defense – definitely an upgrade here.

  31. hahaha JPA HOPES he’s not going anywhere now. but he should go and quick. that guy sounds like an entitled poophead.

    can we throw parkes in the trade? any decent bloggers in miami that might want to come this way? Mr. San Francisco Sour Puss can go catch some rays in Florida awhile.

  32. I just want to gloat for a second. For all of you who accused me of trolling over the last few days while I expressed reservations about this trade, my exact opinion is shared by:
    The Mockingbird:

    Tao of Steib:

    And Martin at the Southpaw:

  33. Rajai Davis 2012 vs LHP: .285/.345/.437
    Emilio Bonifacio 2012 vs RHP: .288/.370/.393

    You know that would whole lot better than what we’ve been getting from the LF position in a long time.

    I’d propose that the Jay’s need to look into upgrading CF and whatever Lind is before LF. Sorry, but as much potential as Rasmus he’s not doing any better offensively than a Rajai Davis (.689 OPS Rasmus vs .687 Davis).

  34. How about ->

    DO: start drinking. It’s after noon and a Friday. Let’s live up to the blog name.

  35. How many moves are left this off season? 0,1,2,3, or more? I think at least one big name player might join the team, and then AA will make smaller moves for depth. AA isn’t going to sit on his hands for the next five months, he will make this team as good as he can possibly make it.

    • He’s focusing on the new manager.There will be players signed in Dec and Jan to fill out the AAA roster.
      The number of other moves? Nobody knows. depends on what the prices are.

  36. Guys — 40% off on jerseys @ includes official and replica.

  37. Kevin slowey as a number 5 option should be cheap?

  38. anyone else think another trade is already done, just waiting approval of the “big one”?

  39. Wow a fun blog, nice job Archi

  40. Get Melky for LF and McCarthy for SP and i’ll live with one more year of Lind in the Jays lineup.

    • Now all they need to do is sign McCarthy and that’s when I’ll pick my winning lotto numbers.

  41. Does manager’s salary factor into team payroll? Just asking for a friend.

  42. HOLY FUCK MELKY!!!!!!!!!!!

  43. Melky: 2 years for $8 million a year.

  44. Fuck you Zuber! I’m hooked on these freaking cats… I’ve done fuck all, all day. Which isn’t really different than any other day, it’s just now I’m watching cats streamed live.

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