Listen, we all know that sitting and waiting for a baseball trade to be processed in the middle of November is about as stressful as things can possibly be, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t steps you can take to minimize the insanity and maximize your experience of such an exciting time. As an expert in creative ways to waste time and hide mental instability, I have compiled a pretty comprehensive DO and DON’T list to get us all through this trying time.
DO – Enjoy this livestream of kittens. This will help you keep everything in perspective. Look! They’re sleeping! Aw.
DON’T – Go back to focusing on your job. You’re under appreciated. Are you really going to let “The Man” make you push pencils around while the Jays possibly make franchise-altering moves? Come on. If the boss comes by and tries to give you a hard time, give them the “John Farrell returning to Toronto” treatment and then end it with a “Lo Viste?” to the rest of the office. Everyone will think twice about bothering you until this gets sorted out.
DO – Cruise Jose Reyes’ instagram. Yes, we established earlier this week that Jose Reyes doesn’t have a twitter account, but he (or someone close to him) DOES have an instagram account. His profile pic is already Blue Jay’d up, and I don’t want to spoil the rest of the pictures for you but he seems to enjoy having more money than you’ll ever see.
DON’T – Question why a guy who doesn’t have a twitter account is allowed to wear a hat that says #REAL. Trust me, you’ll just go in circles in a never ending loop in your head and never get anywhere.
DO – Come up with some more big trade ideas to push the Jays over the top. There are still a few holes to fill and more than enough pieces left to make enticing offers to other teams. I mean, who ISN’T lining up to trade their starting LF for one of the Jays catchers? These proposals write themselves!
DON’T – Use JP Arencibia’s twitter handle in those same trade ideas. He can see those, you know.
Not going anywhere… #GetUseToIt
— jp arencibia (@jparencibia9) November 16, 2012
DO – Constantly refresh DJF. If anything at all happens, rest assured that Stoeten will be all over it. Seriously, he’s not allowed to leave the office if our Jays google alert goes off. I overheard him breaking dinner plans with the Prime Minister or something on Tuesday afternoon when The Trade broke for the first time. Rest assured, the second this post is made completely irrelevant, you’ll know.
DON’T – Read any mainstream sites looking for information. Who’s the best baseball writer for CANADA’S SPORTS LEADER? Scott Ferguson? I don’t think he’s said a swear word since 1963. Mainstream is lamestream, and they all wait wayyyyy too long before giving you all the nitty gritty up-to-the-second details that you desperately thirst for.
DO- Draw up some prospective lineups and a rotation for the 2013 season. Should Rasmus, Lawrie or Emilio be hitting 2nd? Who’s the #5 starter? You decide!
DON’T – Make any “Plan the World Series parade!” jokes. You’re just recycling a terrible joke about the Maple Leafs. It isn’t funny. Ever.
DO – Start talking to your family about which jersey or t-shirt you want as a gift this holiday season. Are you going with a flossy REYES 7, or will you roll the dice with JOHNSON 55? You can run out into the street with it on and be the envy of all your friends who still have Jays gear from the black-and-silver era. Tres Couture.
DON’T – Look at John Buck’s splits against LHP last year. In fact, don’t look at anything involving John Buck at all from last year. Or ever.
DO – Enjoy looking at Mark Buehrle’s history of throwing 200+ innings in the wake of the injury-ravaged season we all just sat through. Mark Beuhrle eats innings for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, four straight (incredibly meaningful) gold gloves!
DON’T – Worry about Josh Johnson’s health. I mean, it’s definitely a huge question mark and probably the scariest part of the whole deal, but worrying about it in November won’t help you. If you can’t help it, remember the kitten stream. They’re healthy!
DO – Have faith that things will work out. Yes, the certification process is taking longer than any trade that any of us can remember, but it’s probably because everyone involved was enjoying their off-season in exotic locations like Dubai or the middle of a bush hunting things, not because this was basically a hoodwinking of the citizens of Miami and most of the guys coming in have health issues.
DON’T – Forget that you can still do some speculating about the management position and how it relates to the trade. We’re totally #relevant right now, the list of possible names is endless!
DO – Enjoy thinking about the ways the newfound flexibility of Bonifacio and Izturis will come in handy. Switch-hitters with so many innings at so many positions! Think of all the defensive substitutions and pinch-running situations! Manager porn!
DON’T – Spend any time thinking about the fact that OMAR FUCKING VIZQUEL played SIXTY FUCKING GAMES last year.
DO – Keep a hint of rational thinking about everything in your mind somewhere. John Hale makes a great point here that should temper your excitement at least a little. There are also still holes to be filled and the rest of the division still has the whole off-season to adjust and plan their attack. (Still, though…)