It’s December, which means the Winter Meetings are over and most of the off-season dust has begun to settle. It’s time for baseball players league wide to stop worrying about where they’ll be playing next season and start worrying about the gifts they’ll be receiving from loved ones. Yes, the holiday season is upon us and in the true spirit of giving I’m here to lay out a guide to the greatest gifts you can give that special Blue Jay in your life that you no-doubt know on a personal level*.

Josh Johnson – A “Best of the 2010 Marlins” DVD. Not only might it help him remember the pitcher he used to be, he can also relive the time he lost 1-0 because Roy Halladay threw a perfect game. He needs to figure out how he could come up so short in the face of such greatness. No pressure or anything though.

Mark Buehrle – For everyone’s favourite pitbull-loving lefty, I think it’d be nice to organize a lunch with Joanne and John Schaal, from Niagara Kennels in Niagara Falls, NY. If his dogs can’t live in Ontario, it would be comforting to know they’re safe and sound and well groomed by a pair of shih-tzu breeders right across the border.

Ricky Romero – As we saw last year, pitching with an empty heart can be tough on bros, bros. For our incumbent Opening Day starter, nothing would be better than tickets to the 2013 Miss USA pageant. For scouting purposes.

Brandon Morrow – For a deep thinker and a likely candidate as the smartest guy on the team, a Gibby-to-English dictionary. This should keep him from ending every mound meeting by saying “What?”

J.A. Happ – I’d tell you what album to buy for him, but you’ve never heard of it so I won’t even bother. It’s really obscure. Just get him a gift certificate to Kops records.

Another Bright Eyes Album? Gee, "Thanks"

JP Arencibia – Tweetdeck. He can use the mute filter to make any tweets with his name and the word ‘trade’ disappear. Should help make twitter easier to be used for it’s main purpose: Picking up chicks.

Adam Lind – It’s important to give Lind what he needs most: A buddy to sit with on the bench and play for him against left handed pitchers.

Brett Lawrie – For our favourite fully dimed Canuck, an entry in the “Red Bull Crashed Ice” downhilll skating compeition or this

Emilio Bonifacio – Glasses. The guy is constantly asking people if they saw something. So, glasses should help? This joke is terrible. I wrote it last. I’m sorry.

Jose Reyes – Based on his tastes: Something EXPENSIVE. Or maybe a subscription to clubcrawlers.com. What better way for Jose to get comfortable in his new city than getting updates on the latest deals and ladies nights at clubs in the GTA?

Anthony Gose – Chain insurance. Please believe he’d best not bring that bling to Parkdale. It’d get snatched up, son!

This is only a little bit of an exaggeration

Melky Cabrera – A Whizzinator. Sure, it didn’t work for Onterrio Smith (does that reference still work for anyone?) but I’ll sign off on anything that keeps Melky in the lineup and out of the news for being suspended.

Colby RasmusR.A. Dickey’s BR page sponsorship. Only $210. You know you’re going there anyway a couple times a week until something definitive happens. This is a pretty solid asset to acquire.

Jose Bautista – A wrist brace. For the love of God, Jose, please don’t hurt your wrist, or try playing with a hurt wrist, or do anything that will jeopardize your wrist health. Seriously. Please.

If you’ve got something great to give somebody in the bullpen or anyone I left out (Rajai, EE, etc) feel free to add it or just point out how terrible most of this was in the comments. Happy Holidays, friends!

* – I don’t care what he told you, if you haven’t met any of his friends, JP Arencibia is NOT your boyfriend.

Comments (90)

  1. Get EE a commemorative Athletics jersey with his name on it to remind him that he almost lost his job like…. 2 years ago.

  2. JP not my boyfriend? That wasn’t what he said when I gave it to his ass last night.

  3. I think it’s safe to say The Zubes is the only reason I read this site.

  4. Please buy Edwin some tack so his bat doesn’t keep flying into the stands. Also ice packs for his right shoulder as he’s going to be raising that wing up every 12 or so at bats.

  5. I hope no one writes “First” here.

  6. The only thing getting stolen in Parkdale these days is J.A. Happ’s glasses.

  7. I wonder what happened to Onterrio Smith. Seriously.

    • Last news on Terrio was getting arrested for an outstanding substance abuse warrant in 2009 in Sacramento. (Of course his name came from Ontario, California with the mandatory creative spelling.) The Whizzinator was sold to a bar in Mankato, MN for $750. He appeared to have a hopeless drug addiction problem, and also AFAIK was a guy who never hurt anybody but himself.

  8. Gose looks like a cracked out fortune teller

  9. got to be an EE and firecracker joke lying around somewhere no?

  10. EE gets a GoPro cam to give a new perspective on the kickass bat flips and 42 moon shots he hits this year.

    • That would be unreal to see the batters perspective when he hits a jack! MLB should make this happen!

  11. I want to do beers with Archi without an e…. awesome sense of humour!

  12. A chin for David Cooper

  13. If my prayers are answered someone needs to gets John Buck a lumbar supportive pillow, for all the time he going to spend sitting on theat hard pine.

    Gibby gets a years memebership to a local MMA gym. His striking seems to be fine, but I worry whats going to happen when he gets in the ground n pound.

  14. And for the man in white, a new white shirt.

  15. Anthony Gose – Montell Jordan CD

  16. For Adam Lind : How bout a $200 gift certificate at anaboliczstore.com. Y’know… To help with the workouts.

  17. Wow . . Cubs sign Aniballsack to a 5 yr deal, 75 mil

    Can someone buy Texas some lube because they are getting fucked over again and again

    • Texas rotation isn’t looking great, Loshe or Jackson is all that’s left. Texas might have to look at Dickey., shed some prospect porn.

  18. I like what the Cubs are doing with their rotation, very low-cost, high reward

    Pretty interesting with these 2 signings now, no mention of Dickey today, after what seemed like non stop Dickey rumours for several days

  19. Anibal Sanchez going to Tigers or Cubs. Kind of hope he goes to the Cubs the AL is crazy right now….at least if Sanchez goes to Cubs, Tigers rotation doesn’t look so good.

  20. For Rajai — a commemorative DVD of ‘the catch’, since that’s clearly going to be the high point of his career.

  21. Stoeten let’s talk about BP s top 10 list

  22. no worries Zoober. As a Latino man, that one got a chuckle out of me. Long live Lo Viste.

  23. Colby needs lessons from a stuntman on how to run into a wall…
    Delmon young is two presents in one! Lind gets a new buddy and Rajai knows late in game he gets in if young or lind get on….
    EE give him fuck ill go there a 2012 dig me tape so he can relive every bomb and remember what he did… (throw in the bernies slide shot and above windows shot a few times)

  24. Here’s a few…

    Steve Delabar – the six million dollar man on DVD or perhaps a picture of Lex Luger when he was in the WWF. If you get these references you might laugh lol

    Sergio Santos – being that his name sounds like the name of one of the jobber wrestlers from the 1980s, I would suggest a pair of blue tights, mismatched knee pads and boots.

    Rajai Davis – Clearly the best gift for Rajai is an original 8 bit NES with the running pad. Or perhaps teeth whitening strips so we can see him in the dark.

    Jeremy Jeffress – What else but a subscription to high times and a few Cypress Hill CDs… he likely has these things though so maybe instead just get him an autographed cheech and chong poster.

    Darren Oliver – a pimp cup that says black magic … simple, easy.

    Aaron Loup – a toucan named Sam

    Brad Lincoln – add the name Brad to his jersey so I can stop wanting to call him Mike

    Dwayne Murphy – a book of wide cam pictures of all the ballparks in baseball taken from home plate. Just so he is reminded that theres more to the fields than the 20 feet nearest each foul line. He’s an outfielding coach now so he needs a refresh.

  25. With Windy Sanchez now on the Cubs, cue the Matt Garza rumours – 1 year before FA, arb award of maybe $11 million, and you probably would make a qualifying offer if all goes well, so a draft-pick eligible FA. Do the Cubs risk an injury during his last year of control/asset value, when they are very unlikely to be competing this year.

    • He ain’t a Cub yet. And if they get him, not sure they’re looking to deal Garza– might re-sign him.

      • Agreed, by getting Sanchez they are adding to the team, if they were in straight up rebuild mode they would have already traded Garza, theyre building around him. Now they just have to sign someone to play… pretty much every other position. But the rotation doesnt look bad.

        • Well it certainly isn’t very good even with the historical .500 pitcher Sanchez and it now looks like detroit is taking him back. Cubs will deal Garza ,all in good time

          • To me,,, Sanchez getting a DIME over 12-13 per season at a term of more than 3 years is absolutely insane. The man has a .500 record for starters and yah yah I know some people will whine and cry about wins and losses not being a factor right before they shit out a whole bunch of sabermetric dog crap but the man has played on some pretty good teams both offensively and defensively in his career and hasnt managed a convincingly winning season since his rookie year.

            In addition to all that his injury history dates back to before his pro career and has cut down his pro career.

            One can argue about maybe 15 per season with the absolutely absurd dollars being thrown around these days but term wise… more than 3 years would be way too risky.

            To be honest… even if the Cubs get Sanchez, they have just so much work to do on the rest of the team that they almost have to trade Garza to get the ball rolling on the rebuild.

  26. Sabathia Johnson Price
    Kuroda Morrow Moore
    Pettitte Buehrle Hellickson
    Hughes Romero Cobb
    Nova Happ Archer

    The Jays match up pretty well pitching wise in the AL east. I just think it is still crucial to get someone that will bump Happ into long relief. Romero and Happ are question marks, and Morrow and Johnson have had injury troubles. I don’t want to see another season lost because two starters get injured. I like both teams starting pitching depth more than ours, and we our most important pitchers are also among the most fragile in the divison. It doesn’t have to be RA Dickey or Edwin Jackson, but they need another major league arm, and not a AAAA guy.

    • I think overall TB has the edge due to depth, but Tor has the most upside if everything breaks right (every pitcher, including Happ, has put up at least one elite season in the Bigs alread. And CC and Price are both better then JJ. But I think BM is better enough then the oher #2′s to say that JJ/BM are the best 1-2 in the division.

    • The Jays and Yankees rotations will depend on injuries, the Rays will depend on whether the young guys can deliver under the pressure.

      That being said, the Jays have a VASTLY superior offense and defense to the Rays, it’s not even remotely close in that department. The Yankees offense and defense will depend on injuries and players being in the twilight of their careers.

      The Red Sox are a big giant pile of unknown. Sure everyone is writing them off, but let’s not all forget how fucking dominant Buchholz and Lester can be when theyre on. Were all hoping Romero turns it around, these two guys could do the same. Everyone seems to believe Dempster is going to get lit up like a pinball machine in the East… with what as the basis? a small sample size in Texas? Who knows what can happen there. Sure they have a complete moron managing the team but let’s not count them out yet. Napoli, Victorino, Middlebrooks, Pedroia, Ortiz, Gomes, Ellsbury, Saltalamacchia along with the starters and what could be a strong pen isnt a bunch I would casually count out. I hate them like everyone else but when a team like that isnt really being mentioned in the whole contention conversation, I felt the need to bring it up.

      The Orioles… yeah let’s face it, the stars aligned for them just right and they made a real valiant effort which was fun to watch but let’s be honest, we all know theyll be right back in the cellar this season.

      • So jays shouldn’t tho after marcum then?
        Or take a flier on a jurrens, etc….?

        • In my opinion, the Jays will need another solid starter, someone proven in the AL East would be great. Marcum would be great but I just get a feeling that AA wants none of him. Jackson is the name Im guessing right now to be the strongest possibility but he worries me. He has been on a lot of different teams in a young career, I am wondering what the reason for that is. Has to be a reason teams want to part with him. But he’s my choice. I also think the Jays would be attractive to him as well.

          Jurrjens… low risk high reward potential there but I dont think thats a move AA makes either.

          Personally, I am not worried about the rotation as much as I would like to see two more tested and true durable arms in the pen. A bullpen with Brett Cecil in the depth chart bothers me.

          • Cecil is fine against LHP, which is all he’ll be asked to get out.

            Jackson is probably too costly. I could see a trade before a signing, frankly. Not a lot that’s great left. And as much as no one wants to see 15 starts going to Jenkins, that’s not the worst, and there’s Nolin, Carreno, McGuire, and eventually Drabek’s going to be back. Shit, maybe even McGowan could play a role– though I wouldn’t bank on it.

            Villanueva makes some sense, and there are bound to be Laffey types still hanging around as well. Plus, once you get into the season, you can likely deal Arencibia if you need to.

            It’s not as dire as it seems.

        • C/mon Drew. The guys you listed, except for Nolin are unadulterated crap.
          Carreno cleared waivers and is going to Buffalo for fuksake-no one wants him.
          Mcguire is a bust ahving a 6.06 ERA in the minors-fuk that is Jesse Chavez territory. Mcgowan is finished for fuksake and Drabek can’t throw the ball over the plate. In ayear where we can go for it I don’t want ANY of these fukstiks touching the ball in MLB.
          We do need to come up with at least one more and Ejax w/b fine with me.
          I’ve mentioned a few times that I stll think we can nab Masterton from Cleveland or a reasonable price despite their blathering. Dickey is a pipedream

          • You might have a point. But E-Jax wont be the answer. Not after Sanchez gets his fat payday. There are too many teams in need of a guy like Jackson, everything happening right now is driving his price well above the 4/40 the jays apparently could have had him for last season. Think more 3/45-50 at this point. AA wont pay it.

            Think more along the lines of Villanueva or Saunders. And then throw some money at Adams to add to the pen. If were talking trades I would expect more so someone like Aaron Harang because the dodgers will give him up cheap and he’s been a proven reliable innings eater in his career. On a team like the Jays, he might have a good year in the 5 spot.

            Either way, if I had to choose between adding another starter or a reliever like Adams at this point, Im taking Adams all the way without question.

          • what Fukstik said

            minus the Dickey pipedream im holding onto

          • Saunders w/b decent and I agree that adding Adams w/b superb. Also i agree that AA will not pay 3/45 or 50 for a guy with a career ERA of 4+.
            Saunders, in a way, is a LH Marcum as he seems to get the job done with a <90mph fastball and guile

    • Don’t forget the Yankees may also get something out of Pineda– who, if healthy, could be big for them.

      • There’s talk about Pineda’s arm situation being McGowan-ish or worse. I dont have that on good authority or anything but obviously the Yankees know something is up if they went out and filled the rotation for 2013.

        But once again, agreed.

  27. 62nd!!

    • It pains me to say that any number after first will be varying forward do to the “inbetweener” comments. Therefore at the time of this comment you are no longer the title holder in your claimed position and thus a failure. The metrics here are irrefutable and beyond any further discussion. You are out of options and have been waived. Good luck in Boston.

  28. All good points Stoeten. I was going to note that it’s not THAT dire but when you think about the injury history of Johnson and Morrow, if one or both of those fellas hits the DL itd be nice to have one other proven guy in there to pick up slack behind Buerhle, Romero and Happ.

    I like the idea of bringing Carlos back as well, his name sorta slipped my mind with all the others around. He’s earned himself a 2-3 year deal with the Jays and he is a guy that if it came down to it would hit the pen as weve seen him do. So even when the kids start knocking at the door he is still going to be good to have around. He knows that if he signed now, he would have a starting job. AA should get it done.

  29. Remember when Escobar outed Rajai as his gay barber… Good times.

  30. Nice work Zubes.

    But I differ on a few gift ideas:

    Lind – A box of Gyne-Lotrimin

    Bautista – Amy Nelson ‘s head.

    JP – Offspeed pitch recognition.

    Reyes – His dreads back.

    EE- A servant to tie his laces, scratch his ass and other things his baby arms can’t reach.

    Brett Lawrie – A suitcase full of Ritalin.

    Gose – Assless chaps.

    Rasmus – His dreads back.

    Izturis – Step Brothers DVD.

    Anthopolous – Diary of a wimpy kid

    Beeston – Tinactin

    Rogers Centre – Grass

    Stoeten – A girl who loves baseball, but doesn’t voice her opinion on it, and turns into a pizza at 2 am.

  31. Anibal back with the Tigers – 5 years, 80 mil

  32. [...] to hand out some gifts to the team. The idea isn’t original — theScore’s very own Archi Zuber created a magnificent list for the Toronto Blue Jays — but I can’t bring myself to [...]

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