It’s December, which means the Winter Meetings are over and most of the off-season dust has begun to settle. It’s time for baseball players league wide to stop worrying about where they’ll be playing next season and start worrying about the gifts they’ll be receiving from loved ones. Yes, the holiday season is upon us and in the true spirit of giving I’m here to lay out a guide to the greatest gifts you can give that special Blue Jay in your life that you no-doubt know on a personal level*.
Josh Johnson – A “Best of the 2010 Marlins” DVD. Not only might it help him remember the pitcher he used to be, he can also relive the time he lost 1-0 because Roy Halladay threw a perfect game. He needs to figure out how he could come up so short in the face of such greatness. No pressure or anything though.
Mark Buehrle – For everyone’s favourite pitbull-loving lefty, I think it’d be nice to organize a lunch with Joanne and John Schaal, from Niagara Kennels in Niagara Falls, NY. If his dogs can’t live in Ontario, it would be comforting to know they’re safe and sound and well groomed by a pair of shih-tzu breeders right across the border.
Ricky Romero – As we saw last year, pitching with an empty heart can be tough on bros, bros. For our incumbent Opening Day starter, nothing would be better than tickets to the 2013 Miss USA pageant. For scouting purposes.
Brandon Morrow – For a deep thinker and a likely candidate as the smartest guy on the team, a Gibby-to-English dictionary. This should keep him from ending every mound meeting by saying “What?”
J.A. Happ – I’d tell you what album to buy for him, but you’ve never heard of it so I won’t even bother. It’s really obscure. Just get him a gift certificate to Kops records.
JP Arencibia – Tweetdeck. He can use the mute filter to make any tweets with his name and the word ‘trade’ disappear. Should help make twitter easier to be used for it’s main purpose: Picking up chicks.
Brett Lawrie – For our favourite fully dimed Canuck, an entry in the “Red Bull Crashed Ice” downhilll skating compeition or this
Emilio Bonifacio – Glasses. The guy is constantly asking people if they saw something. So, glasses should help? This joke is terrible. I wrote it last. I’m sorry.
Jose Reyes – Based on his tastes: Something EXPENSIVE. Or maybe a subscription to clubcrawlers.com. What better way for Jose to get comfortable in his new city than getting updates on the latest deals and ladies nights at clubs in the GTA?
Anthony Gose – Chain insurance. Please believe he’d best not bring that bling to Parkdale. It’d get snatched up, son!
Melky Cabrera – A Whizzinator. Sure, it didn’t work for Onterrio Smith (does that reference still work for anyone?) but I’ll sign off on anything that keeps Melky in the lineup and out of the news for being suspended.
Colby Rasmus – R.A. Dickey’s BR page sponsorship. Only $210. You know you’re going there anyway a couple times a week until something definitive happens. This is a pretty solid asset to acquire.
Jose Bautista – A wrist brace. For the love of God, Jose, please don’t hurt your wrist, or try playing with a hurt wrist, or do anything that will jeopardize your wrist health. Seriously. Please.
If you’ve got something great to give somebody in the bullpen or anyone I left out (Rajai, EE, etc) feel free to add it or just point out how terrible most of this was in the comments. Happy Holidays, friends!
* – I don’t care what he told you, if you haven’t met any of his friends, JP Arencibia is NOT your boyfriend.