Dear John…


Dear John,

Stoeten here– long time no talk, buddy! Anything interesting happen since the last time I wrote?

Wait, really? Boston? Didn’t even attempt to negotiate?? Mike Aviles???

Yeah… OK, I actually knew about all that, John. It was all over the news up here. You’re kind of a big fucking deal, actually. And not in the way that you maybe remember– and definitely not the way that you are to those bleating, bleary-eyed, white haired, jowly, red-faced, ruddy-nosed, pseudo-Irish Massholes you now consider yourself one of. Nobody here banking hilariously on your magic wand being able to fix the rotation’s most crucial shitbags, John– we don’t even have any of those. At least, not anymore.

And you know what, John? As not-terribly-difficult as it might have been to paint yourself more sympathetically and avoid some of the Category 5 shitticane you’re about to walk into, you fucked up, John. You fucked up like you were down three runs in the eighth inning with two outs, Jose Bautista at the plate and Corey Patterson on first. You shouldn’t have given yourself the green light, John. You were never good at judging that anyway.

When the shit really started hitting the fan you could have pointed to the Jays’ openly stated reluctance to talk about a contract extension with you. You could have mentioned Boston’s setting up of your son’s radiation treatment while you were in the Jays’ employ. You could have pointed out that the club had the power to keep you if they really wanted to– as they did the year before. They didn’t want you, either, John. Maybe not as much as you didn’t want them, but enough to have used it to paint yourself in a better light. And you sure as fuck could have not said “dream job,” or “If you recall, I was traded,” John. That kind of delusional, arrogant attempt to brush aside legitimate questions about what appears to have been a duplicitous, long-considered, orchestrated exit just makes you kinda look like a fuckface.

And I defended you, John! I believed that there was still hope that you could turn all the qualities that you were lauded for when you were hired– your thoughtful nature and willingness to adapt and learn chief among them– in to something that didn’t ultimately look so fucking hopeless on the baseball field. And, as far as what little us fans could tell, in the clubhouse. And when it came to micromanaging. Discipline. Lineup construction. Platoon splits. How to run the bases.

Frankly, John, the things you seemed best at– probably are still best at– were looking like a manager, speaking like a politician, and having an imposing enough physical presence to immediately command fuck-tonnes of respect for you to slowly piss away.

Now, simmer down, John! Simmer! This isn’t one of your pitchers suggesting you’ve never done anything to prove that you’re actually fit for the unbelievably less-important-than-most-realize job. This is me. This is Stoeten. And you know and I know, John, that everybody got what they needed and is better off for all the fucking horseshit.

Yet, even with that understood, everybody’s going to get on you about how badly you wanted out of town, your lack of loyalty, and how they think you made the organization and the city look bush league. They’re going to boo the everloving shit out of you, John. Shit, I’m going to boo the everloving shit out of you. As far as making anyone look bush league goes, I’m not sure that reaction doesn’t kinda do that at least as much as you ever did, but fuck it.

All the bullshit about you not paying enough attention to your duties as Jays manager is flat out dumb and unsubstantiated. All the hand-wringing about loyalty to a contractual obligation with a company that was willing to let you walk away is embarrassingly quaint. But stealing half the club’s coaching staff? Bristling enough at the notion you orchestrated the move to act like you had nothing to do with it? Acting like the fact that something was your “dream job” ought to be enough for everyone to swallow after weeks of playing coy when asked about it? And today, responding to Mike Wilner’s question about how what he expects tonight, with, “based on what you’ve encouraged the fans to do, it’s obvious”?

I mean… what the fuck is that? You’re kind of being a dickhead here, John.

It really didn’t have to be like this– and for someone who seems to have made his name on being able to look and sound the part, while not necessarily being able to act it, it’s a pretty surprising fumble at the goal line of your dreamy new life. Of course, having watched this team for your two years here, I’m sure there will be plenty more where that came from. I wish you a whole lot less ill will than a lot of those who’ll be at the game tonight, John– I’m trying really hard not to sway too far from the sorts realities of your situation that get brushed aside in the overly emotional reactions of some of my fellow Jays fans– but that doesn’t mean I don’t think you kind of suck. Or that you you didn’t say and do some shitty things on the way out of town and need to own up to that.

Or that it’s not going to be real fucking cathartic to boo the everloving shit out of you tonight. At least just once.

No hard feelings, though. Stay gold, Ponyboy.



Comments (47)

  1. *Standing Ovation*

    Best thing you’ve ever written

    #FuckFarrellFriday #SuckItFarrell

  2. Cue the applause!

  3. lol guy’s a complete dick

  4. John “Inspirational Messages” Farrell.
    Fuck this douche all to red hell.

  5. *slow clap*

  6. The Wilner thing is him going full pro wrestling heel on it. Straight doesn’t give a fuck.

    • As long as he jumps in front of the Honkytonk Man when he’s about to hit Gibby with the guitar. I smell redemption!

  7. ibid the prior comments

  8. Chase many a BoSux pitcher, beloved Jays, and revel in yon dome-bourne scorn!

  9. I was hoping for one of these.

    A DJF classic.

  10. whoa, have you heard, Rogers pulling some crossover strings with MLB; Bautista and Lind sit tonight and Gibbons has Frazer McClaren and Colton Orr at his disposal tonight . . . . EPIC NIGHT IN CANADA

  11. It was obvious

  12. Look for Lawrie in May.

  13. Fuck Farrell.

  14. I love it. Great stuff Stoeten.

  15. “Or that it’s not going to be real fucking cathartic to boo the everloving shit out of you tonight. At least just once.

    No hard feelings, though. Stay gold, Ponyboy.”

    Yep. Pretty much this. I’d add “amusing” along with cathartic…

  16. *Slow clap that slowly turns into a fast clap*

    *Stands up from his couch clapping with hands over his head*

    *Starts to drip a tear and wipes it bravely with his mullet *

  17. suck it farrell

  18. This was fairly hilarious…

    I’ve been to Fenway druing a Sox/Yanks game…and yeah…booing and swearing at the opposing team is as American as apple pie and a senseless high school massacre.

    But, it’s kinda fun being painted as evil.

    On another note…for the love of Atheismo…please keep it to booing…

    • “Two nice folks riding the ferry from Billy Bishop Airport to downtown said Farrell was the biggest Toronto sports villain since Vince Carter left the Raptors in 2004 after requesting a trade”

      I hadn’t thought to connect the two, but damn if that isn’t a great comparison. Does Farrell’s villainy eclipse VC’s, or is it simply the fresher of the two?

      • In reality, Farrell did us a service. He was no great shakes, and it might have set into motion some fantastic things…but, he’s been a colossal, smug dick about the whole thing, and I hate the Red Sox.

        Carter, I don’t recall too much of the circumstances other than he was carrying a team that wasn’t improving or run well, and I don’t remember being all that miffed at him. Wasn’t McGrady more of a prick on his exit? I’m not a NBA fan, mind you…so I could be missing something.

        • They were both prick-ish in their departures from the city, but VC was the poster boy of the team and the man who led them to the playoffs. He’s also credited with inspiring the generation of Canadian basketball players now making their way to the US colleges and the NBA.

          He was also the star on a declining team, and had a poor relationship with MLSE management. They dicked him around with all sorts of talk of building a contender while making poor personnel/coaching moves (basically, the same shit they continue to spew about the team), but with all the drama VC was very public in his want out of Toronto and he rather obviously quit on the team in the 2004-05 season.

          • Thanks for the context.

            The last time I paid any real attention to the NBA, Muggsy Bouges was my favourite player, and that was well before he was a Raptor. So really the only thing I knew about the VC stuff was brief headline grazing, where he looked a bit like a whiner, but a whiner with a valid point.

            • It’s hard to say he was a whiner with a valid point at the time, the team had only missed the playoffs by a few games the year before and they were still decent. He quit on the team, plain and simple.

              It was a bad enough break up that he’s still heavily booed when he’s in town, and it’s been almost 9 years since he was traded from the Raptors.

  19. Wow a plus one stoeten

  20. Beautiful. Just beautiful!

  21. handshake worthy.

  22. That was one the most personal and eloquently stated Dear John letters I have ever read. You almost brought a tear to my eye Mr. Stoeten. Well done Sirrah!

  23. boston beat guy Pete Abraham may need some twitter trolling tonight:

  24. I’m sure the Toronto faithful consider themselves bad-asses, but throwing the head of a pig on the field is hardcore!!!

  25. Boston media can’t believe fans would care about this Farrell business, so bizarre:

  26. But tell us…. how do you really feel?

  27. Atta-kid Stoeten.

    I have not felt this well represented by someone elses words since Hallmark quit printing their “Go fuck yourself” greeting cards.

  28. Please stop the Wave tonight at the RC and please start the ‘Suck It Farrell’ Chants.

    Enjoy fellas!

  29. RC fun police back again

  30. I’m sure some of this is tongue and cheek. But I’m a little surprised that there isn’t more of an emphasis to call out the dipshit Jays fans who simply go along with this “suck it Farrell” stuff. As though this is something all Jays fans should rally around and other nonsense.

    I haven’t heard every single JF quote. But people are starting from the premise “John Farrell is an asshole!” and finding a way to reconcile this in their mind.

    Sure, the “as I recall I was traded” was a little smug. But after being asked variations of the same question a million times I’m glad JF is having some fun with this.

    And, frankly, while I don’t believe AA/Beeston really deserve much criticism either, I’m not sure why more isn’t being directed their way for how this whole saga went down.

  31. I’m gonna tie this message to a blue jay and send it to Ferrell desk

  32. Nothing more delicious than the tears of Jays fans.

  33. Fuck, bullshit, dickhead. That’s about all I got out of this. Meh.

  34. Can u blame John for wanting out of loserville. Stick to hockey. Even though u suck at that too. How’s 13-0 feeling right about now? Douche

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