Anyone who tells you that six games is nothing to worry about is clearly one of those “sample size” types. Here’s what you need to know about sample size: it’s for nerds, basement dwellers, and chronic mastburbators. The Blue Jays are 2-4 following two disappointing series versus the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox. Reams of historical data indicate that very few baseball teams have ever recovered from such a horrible start to make the playoffs. As any real fan would tell you, the 2013 Blue Jays are finished, man.
In an effort to save the city’s greatest baseball minds some time, I have taken it upon myself to craft their headlines for the the club’s next 10 series. All that’s left to fill in are the intricate one-sentence paragraphs.
As I stare down the next six weeks or so of Blue Jays baseball I see a winless Mark Buehrle, the return of Vernon Wells, heavy verbiage with minimal substance, beat writers lobbying for retired knuckleball catchers, pointless PED bemoaning, trolling, questions about chemistry, likening the Blue Jays’ selection of Ricky Romero at 6th overall to the Maple Leafs taking Rob Pearson 12th, and so much more.
Here are your Toronto Blue Jays headlines through early May:
Maybe Buehrle should bring a pitbull (mentality) to the mound – by Damien Cox
Vernon Wells takes booing in stride – by Bob Elliott
R.A. Dickey, the weight of expectations, and pursuit in the face of defeat – by Bruce Arthur
The Toronto Marlins – by Cathal Kelly
Mirror mirror on the wall, Doug Mirabelli could catch a knuckleball – by Steve Simmons
Melky sure isn’t much without magic potions – by Damien Cox
Chemistry not included in big money Jays’ price tag – by Steve Buffery
This wouldn’t happen in San Francisco – by Dustin Parkes
Blue Jays can’t hold a candle to the hype – by Mark Zwolinski
The trouble with Yunel Escobar’s lack of compliance – by Bruce Arthur
Not for this country: Reyes’ WBC effort missing for Jays – by Damien Cox
Struggling Jays’ arms should look no further than the radio booth for advice – by Steve Simmons
Dickey blows massive lead – by Andrew Stoeten
Like ’89 Leafs, Jays could use a do-over on ’05 draft – by Damien Cox