Cleveland Indians v Toronto Blue Jays

Anyone who tells you that six games is nothing to worry about is clearly one of those “sample size” types. Here’s what you need to know about sample size: it’s for nerds, basement dwellers, and chronic mastburbators. The Blue Jays are 2-4 following two disappointing series versus the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox. Reams of historical data indicate that very few baseball teams have ever recovered from such a horrible start to make the playoffs. As any real fan would tell you, the 2013 Blue Jays are finished, man.

In an effort to save the city’s greatest baseball minds some time, I have taken it upon myself to craft their headlines for the the club’s next 10 series. All that’s left to fill in are the intricate one-sentence paragraphs.

As I stare down the next six weeks or so of Blue Jays baseball I see a winless Mark Buehrle, the return of Vernon Wells, heavy verbiage with minimal substance, beat writers lobbying for retired knuckleball catchers, pointless PED bemoaning, trolling, questions about chemistry, likening the Blue Jays’ selection of Ricky Romero at 6th overall to the Maple Leafs taking Rob Pearson 12th, and so much more.

Here are your Toronto Blue Jays headlines through early May:

Maybe Buehrle should bring a pitbull (mentality) to the mound – by Damien Cox

Vernon Wells takes booing in stride – by Bob Elliott

R.A. Dickey, the weight of expectations, and pursuit in the face of defeat – by Bruce Arthur

The Toronto Marlins – by Cathal Kelly

Mirror mirror on the wall, Doug Mirabelli could catch a knuckleball – by Steve Simmons

Melky sure isn’t much without magic potions – by Damien Cox

Chemistry not included in big money Jays’ price tag – by Steve Buffery

This wouldn’t happen in San Francisco – by Dustin Parkes

Blue Jays can’t hold a candle to the hype – by Mark Zwolinski

The trouble with Yunel Escobar’s lack of compliance – by Bruce Arthur

Not for this country: Reyes’ WBC effort missing for Jays – by Damien Cox

Struggling Jays’ arms should look no further than the radio booth for advice – by Steve Simmons

Dickey blows massive lead – by Andrew Stoeten

Like ’89 Leafs, Jays could use a do-over on ’05 draft – by Damien Cox

Comments (47)

  1. “This wouldn’t happen in San Francisco – by Dustin Parkes” sold the legitimacy of this post.

  2. I was worried for a minute there with the first 3 headlines by Damien Cox and no hockey reference. Then came headline #4. Nails!

  3. How many people are waiting for Dickey to blow a big lead purely for the pun?

  4. Fuck off cox

  5. This is most excellent.

  6. These are hilarious! My favourites are the Damien Cox ones.

    P.S. Fuck off Parkes

    • Where the fuck is Parkes, anyway? Maybe he finally listened to the DJF masses and decided to stick to GB. Is it weird that a kind of miss him?

      • He writes one article a week on Fanatico and begins every post with something along the lines of ” As sports fans we tend to…herp derp herp”

      • He has a fantastic blog called Fanatico where he writes mostly long form pieces. He still occasionally contributes to Getting Blanked though. If you aren’t adverse to intelligence you should check them out.

  7. Lots of great Coxes to be flushed down the toilet.

    Fun post Scott. I like.


  9. Love the cox headlines. Too bad writers dont make their own headlines though.

    • But they do choose their own subject matter, which last I checked has at least a passing relevance to the headline.

  10. Does anyone know what Aaron Loup’s warm up music is? Damn does that song ever get me pumped.
    Sorry that this has nothing to do with the thread.

  11. There were a lot of over-reactions after the first 6 games but a lot of them have been from people snapping on other fans reactions.

    It’s ok to comment after a few games. No one is jumping ship.

    Calm down and stop being so fragile.

    Fans don’t like it when their team loses to assholes like the red sox who bring with them our ex-skipper. It sucks. Let us vent a little. We all still love this team.

  12. Parkes has ascended into the ether of the sports blogosphere. RIP/Amen.

  13. That last Cox headline is fucking mint.

  14. Fuck you all; Dickey the best! by Drew Fairservice.

  15. Why can’t i get on this site from my phone? This is driving me nuts

  16. So good!

  17. Bruce Arthur’s are spot fucking on.

  18. Colby Rasmus singelhandedly sinking Blue Jays chances – Bob McCown

    • I like it – but I think a bit more a-propos “Colby Rasmus singlehandedly destroying my life” by Bob McCown
      Or maybe that’s just Bob’s future memoir

  19. Cox should be used for cancer research, rats aren’t that bad.

  20. This is so good I won’t even point out that writers don’t actually write their own headlines. Shit I shouldn’t have said that.

    Seriously though this was a great laugh, well done.

  21. Jonah Keri doesn’t seem panicked

  22. Early returns not as advertised – Jeff Blair

    Oops, that one is real. I’ll give Blair a pass since, as Sharkey rightly points out, these guys don’t write the headlines.

  23. My forehead cannot take a whole season of this.

  24. Poorly Made Mother’s Day Blue Jays Cards – Archi Zuber

  25. Blue Jay fan in Oakville arrested after setting fire to R. A Dickey lifesize cardboard poster at Rogers video store. fan was distraught after Blue Jays lost 10-0.

    oakville beaver

  26. LOL @ Melky sure isn’t much without magic potions – by Damien Cox

  27. Great stuff Scott! Love it!

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