running2It’s one of the dumbest things you can do at a baseball game. Forget the extreme likelihood of it being alcohol-fueled. Forget the potential for personal ramifications. Forget the disruptive attributes. Forget the long line of questionable characters who went before you, and with whom, you are henceforth linked.

As a spectator who dares to tread on the stage of the spectacle, your actions are informing 50,000 people – many of whom paid a not-insignificant amount of money to be there – that it is ALL about you. You are altering their experience into a moment of selfish gratification for your own personal attention starvation. You are stealing their time, their focus and their gaze. You are a thief. You are that guy.

Personally, I hate you. I despise you with more energy than is remotely reasonable. I watch you zig-zag around the field, hopeful that a violent blow will befall you that physical pain and existential questions to resonate throughout your body and being. That’s just me.

Fortunately, there are many who are not like me. There are others in possession of a – most likely – healthier attitude toward fans traversing the boundaries of common sense and the field of play. They can laugh at such things.

For instance, there’s the Toronto police officer who filed this arrest report from May 5th, when Joseph Blackspace risked legal trouble and his leg ligaments by running uninvited onto the turf at Rogers Centre.

arrestreport

It reads (sic throughout):

On May 5, 2013 at approximately 3:18 PM the Toronto Blue jays were surprisingly winning against the underrated Seattle Marriners. Our hapless Jays limped along to the bottom of the 8th inning. At one point, the Jays were considered World Series contenders. One can almost forgive the accused for his below described actions.

Luckily, the accused ran onto the field from level 100 and wasn’t forced to jump from the 500 level out of sheer frustration.

In any event, the accused before the court, Joseph [Redacted], in what can only be described as an attempt to inject some kind of spark in our listless Jays, ran onto the field “interrupting” the game, giving jays fans a brief respite from their season long agony.

The accused was subsequently placed under arrest to applause, transported to 52 Division where he was released on a Form 10/11.1.

There’s also Joseph Blackspace’s defense attorney, and even the prosecuting Crown attorney:

crownattorneyresponse

This is the sort of season it’s been for the Toronto Blue Jays and their fans. With expectations so severely unfulfilled, we’ve all grown a little more understanding, a little more tolerant and a little more willing to find amusement and laughter in areas we otherwise wouldn’t.

It’s telling that this event occurred in early May, and the season was already being referred to as agonizing. The team’s record in the months that followed presumably served to strengthen the accused’s argument.

To find out more about the story, you can visit Joseph Blackspace’s website - because of course he has one. He’s that guy.

I joke of course, Joseph Blackspace more than made amends with a $1,000 donation to the Jays Care Foundation. Now, if only the Blue Jays could find a way to redeem themselves.

Comments (149)

  1. I’ve always thought the Marriners were underrated.

  2. 2013 you guys…

  3. “Season long agony” ?? On May 5th? Come the fuck on.

    • The record on May was 10-21. The agony had definitely begun.

    • Guys there’s over 100 games to be played. It’s still early in the season give it time. This team wins 8 of their next 10 and they’re back in the thick of things

  4. See, I don’t get all this self-righteous indignation aboutstreakers. Personally, when at a game and this happens, its rather a highlight. In my mind it is somewhat tenuously linked to the double standards that fervernt hardcore baseball fans like to sling around, such as the following:

    (1) You can’t boo a pickoff attempt (but can boo an opposing player).

    (2) You can’t throw a baseball at a PED cheat (but can throw one at someone who dares show you off in trotting around the bases. Or of course in a tit for tat exchange.)

    (3) You can’t run on to the hallowed field, ruining the game of all us (except for those of us that don’t like watching a pitcher take 60 seconds between each pitch).

    Now the foregoing is all rather nebulous, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, but other than the obvious safety concerns, I tend to disagree about the raging hate for streakers.If anything, the wave is much worse.

    • you must be new, this writer is just a douche

    • (1) Booing a pickoff attempt is like booing an opposing batter for swinging.

      (2) Throwing at anyone is douchey (especially in AL with pitcher not batting), let alone doing it 4 times in a row. Nothing to do with PEDs.

      (3) It’s boring. And the people who do it tend to do it with no regard for who is batting and what is going on in the game. For example at the opener last year, people interrupted the game with Bautista up and the opposing pitcher sweating. After the break for order to be restored, the pitcher had caught his breath and got out of the inning.

      • I boo pickoffs because I like to see Blue Jays steal bases, it is unlikely to have any effect (read: it has no effect) but neither does most cheering. Booing pickoffs is booing pitchers trying to slow down the highly entertaining running game.

  5. It’s only funny when it’s a legitimate streaker. Flesh tone body suits don’t count…..I’m looking at you, Costanza!

  6. Welcome back Parkes?

  7. Was the arresting officer one Const. Cathal Kelly by any chance?

  8. Do you ever not overwrite something, Parkes?

    • Bah. It was funny.
      Would you prefer just a few illustrations or 1 sentence paragraphs?

      • If you want cool illustrations and 1 sentence paragraphs, go Scott Johnson.
        If you want overwritten articles about simplicity, go Dustin Parkes.
        If you want true Blue Jays news and analysis, go Stoeten.

        What I learned reading this blog this season.

      • No, it really wasn’t, at all. Stoeten would have made it funny.

        • Picking up on the Score changes post I’m wondering what you think of this Mr. Fart.

          Cut 10 of the writers off staff that we have no interest in reading, pay Stoeten and Old Man Drew more to run GB and DJF, have Zubes promoted (yes give him a raise too) to solid Game Threat and Morning After coverage…

          AND…..

          ARE YOU READY FOR THIS!?…..

          Reallocate the savings towards bringing in Dayn Perry!

          Best two blogs in the business.

          Book it.

          • I don’t know how to feel about it. Not a mobile kind of reader. I think it’s unfortunate for GB as Fairservice had really elevated the level of the blog. What does it mean for the podcast? I got hooked on those.

    • If you want headlines, read Metro.

    • This site is for you. No words. Just pictures of people falling over and girls with big boobs.

      http://www.thechive.com

    • There are like ten sentences. I didn’t think it would be that strenuous.

      • Well it is Friday I guess…

      • Ok class, let’s do a writing exercise…….

        “Fortunately, there are many who are not like me. There are others in possession of a – most likely – healthier attitude toward fans traversing the boundaries of common sense and the field of play.”

        Who can rewrite the authors work in a way that is both labor-saving and pleasurable to read?

        • That is far and away the best line of the piece. You are not famous and certainly not amazing.

          • Argumentum ad hominem!

            • No, literally. The sentence you’ve chosen to take issue with contains nary a grammatical nor spelling misstep. You’re just being a pedant, and additionally you’re performing really quite poorly in that regard. Thanks for comin’ out though, man.

              • Twenty words in the sentence could easily be replaced by “Despite my disenchantment”

                Be pedant is what the author is doing. The thread is about him over writing.

                This is a blog,I would gladly suffer “a grammatical (or) spelling misstep” if he got to the point anytime soon.

                • He needs a hard edit. There’s a lot of fat and gristle here, as per usual with him.

                  As the late Elmore Leonard said, “If it sounds like writing – rewrite it.”

                  • I, for one, am shocked that two Internetters with usernames that reveal a lean toward scatology and homophobic pejoratives dominating their senses of humor would find difficulty in wading through anything besides the most basic and utilitarian of language. And dropping a quote, especially an Elmore fucking Leonard quote when discussing proper writing techniques, does not make you appear at all elevated from the lofty perch of ‘insufferable idiot.’

                    If you’d like though, I can just shorten that up to “You both sound like the worst kind of idiots, please stop commenting forever.”

        • I’m as ‘Fuck off Parkes’ as the next guy…. but you’re being a dick.

  9. Alright people, I am tired of the TO fans and media whining and moaning about a losing team and making stupid jokes that are less funny than the ending to Seven. Stop Bitching and get over it and do something else. People like this need to get a life. Look forward to next season or the Raps/leafs or anything

  10. Jeez Parks, always condescending. Truly above it all.

    “That Guy” created a pretty entertaining website. Great story. Fun read.

    • I’ll be streaking on the field tonight, though hang-dropping from section 230 might be difficult…

  11. Deadspin lovins coming your way. Hum now Jays!

  12. Hey man what about 10 stray thoughts on a Friday.

    I’M UDGING OVER HERE!

  13. Fuck off Parkes.

    Also congrats on the wedding.

  14. [...] arrest report filed by a police officer working the case, unearthed by the good folks over at DJF The Score. It may just be the single most legendary piece of legalese we have ever [...]

  15. [...] Then there’s also this letter from the attorney who represents Joseph Blackspace, the man who ran onto the field and even one from the crown attorney. Blackspace also has also even created a website dedicated to the incident where he expresses his regret for running onto the field. [...]

  16. guy looks like he might be pretty nimble out on the field, maybe he could play second base for us

  17. No Game Threat for the return of the great Emilio Bonifacio!!?!

  18. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Game Threat~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  19. Bone face pisses me off.

  20. Emilio’s gonna fuck us all weekend

  21. [...] guys over at the Drunk Jays Fans blog did us all the service of transcribing the report so it’s easier to [...]

  22. Imagine Bonifacio’s play on that ball…

  23. Realistically, what rotation do the Jays enter 2014 with? Maybe Halladay, Burnett, Marcum, McGowan and then the least injured and home run prone of the rest? Any chance?

    • Can we get Carpenter back too?

      • Halladay, Burnett, Marcum (yikes!) are all free agents. McGowan was wisely signed to a multilple year contract. We could revisit the last time they had a solid rotation. And anything Morrow and co. give is gravy.

        • “We could revisit the last time they had a solid rotation.”

          Yeah, and I bet a few of those pitchers you listed wish they could revisit that time too.

  24. Gibby should be canned for pulling Buehrle. Fucking brutal managing.

    • Yeah, I’m a little mystified as to that move. I mean, Buehrle was pitching a gem. Why pull him?

      PS…where did Bonifacio learn to bunt in the 2 weeks he’s been gone? I mean, the sorry sack of shit couldn’t lay a bunt down with the Jays if he rolled the ball onto the infield with his hand.

    • I’m really getting sick of the 100 pitch limit becoming a hard and fast rule.

    • Buehrle apparently came up with an upset stomach. All’s well that ends well, at least until the 7th inning.

  25. Were it not for the umpire blowing a call, this game would be in serious danger due to our mumu-wearing Guru.

  26. Too late, Gibbers! Fat fuck!

  27. Twenty-bucks says Ned Yost rolls Santana out for the 8th, just to prove a point. And to demonstrate he’s not a slave to an arbitrary number.

  28. I’d like to see AA come down and can Gibby in-game, in-dugout. That would make the whole fucking year worthwhile. Media whores-ignoring his mistakes can eat a dick.

  29. Brett Lawrie everybody.

  30. I don’t even think these are real

  31. I acknowledge that I would be out twenty bucks, for everyone’s favourite gin-based drink is throwing the 8th for the Royals. That said, it was still moronic to bring Buerhle (soft-throwing lefty) out for Cecil (flaccid-throwing lefty). #arm-chairmanagingbetterthanGibby #allday, allnight

    • I am certainly not a member of the baseball elite, thus this is a genuine question. Wouldn’t have made sense to bring in a hard throwing righty (see Santos), after Buerhle, rather than another soft throwing lefty? Seems like it would throw off timing. Thoughts?

  32. Wiggle, wiggle…oh :(

  33. Buehrle should still be pitching. This sucks something bigger than George Kottaras’ dong!

  34. When do rosters expand. The bullpen is out of gas.

  35. Wiggle, wiggle…yay!

  36. And Goins…wow, he deserves the save!

  37. Sorta crushing on Goins.

  38. Yeah…that Goins kid might just have played his way into a job next season.

    • As has pointed out previously, even if our sinkholes (2B & C) were AT replacement level, this season may have gone much differently. Unless he craps the bed for the rest of the year, you gotta figure that Goins is the 2B incumbent for next season. Now we can focus on trading for one of the Molina’s! :)

  39. I like that Goins kid

  40. The infield would appear to be coming together nicely. I’d take one of Choo or McCann in the offseason, thank you very much.

  41. Goind D has been outstanding. This is the D they have needed at 2B allyear. Make the ordinary play, throw accurately and make the DPs. The kid does all that ,something both Boni and Izzy simply could not do for more than a game or two. i can tell you as a former pitcher(from long ago) that balls that are not leaking thru the infield anymore ( case in point:the final out) do wonders for apitchers ERA. You go from blowing a save, to maybe a loss and the ERA going up to a “Save” and your ERA going down and everybody looking at the boxcar and going “Janssen pitched good”. Saved Buerhle some pitches too and it all adds up over ayear
    I said in an earlier post that in a perfect world this kid plays himself into 2B and allows $$$ to be spent elsewhere like on SP obviously. Maybe the Jys have found a diamond-let’s hope so
    BTW, Smasher, whadyathink about going after Phil Hughes as a FA?
    I still think he has no2 stuff, throws 94 sort of like a young AJ Burnett. AT 4-12 the Yanks may let him go and I say we pounce

  42. Thats Goins and “boxscore” respectively. Sorry it’s my merlot uhh meds kicking in. Sorry bout that

  43. Burly left with the shits, you fucks.

  44. I could be wrong here, but wouldn’t Lawrie, Reyes, Goins, and Lind make for a very solid infield D?

    All you’d have to figure out after that is who to replace Melky with and you’ve got a solid defensive team. Well, other than JPA.

    • EE not LInd.

      • What is your plan for Melky then? Trade him? If Lind is your first baseman, EE is your DH. If that’s the case, you have no place for Melky, unless you plan on putting him in left.
        Then we go from having solid defense in the infield to having ungodly awful d in LF.

        • Lind as a bench bat. Melky as DH. Shin Soo Choo in LF.

          • Or, Lind gone.

            • Yea I’d be fine w/ that. Lind as expensive bench bat works if you’re trying to win a WS.

              Otherwise, trade/ditch him and put Melk @ DH.

              EE full time 1b.

              DeRosa will likely be back and he can play acceptable 1b as a backup for days EE rests. Hell even Thole has played some 1b. I am sure J Bau could play some 1b in a pinch too.

          • Melky at DH is something I’ve been reading alot about on here. His bat does not play at DH. Shoot, his bat hardly plays anywhere besides catcher or SS. Not sure if people actually looked at his stats rather than just that fact that his name is Melky Cabrera

        • Also, lind has to platoon. Anyone else think its a bit silly to pay 8 mill to a guy that will only play 65% of the games?

          Bring in Choo!

    • I don’t see how you can name Reyes and Lind and proclaim “very solid infield D”. Lawrie can’t get to everything.

      • I was under the impression Reyes was a slightly above average fielder. Upon looking up the stats, I see I was wrong.

        I had also thought Lind was a little above average. Turns out he’s just a hair below neutral. Better than EE, though.

        Well that’s a disappointment.

    • Lind is top 5-7 worst defensive 1b in all of MLB per either Fangraphs UZR or BR’s dWAR. He’s basically an Adam Dunn-lite.

      I don’t mind having a weak defensive 1b if they can hit for power or avg or a bit of both like Lind has but he certainly is not a good 1b at all. Edwin’s a more passable 1bman but i’d say he’s slightly below avg and the UZR and dWAR suggest that as well.

      Personally prefer EE @ 1b. Lind should be DH only. EE has more hustle and his time at 3b means he’s much quicker to react to quickly hit balls. Lind might have slight edge on digging out the short hops, that’s about it. Lind is slow as fuck, just look at that Boni hit, no chance to get to 1b.

      • That’s a bit of stat cherry picking there. Lind’s bad, but he’s not “Adam Dunn-lite.”

        By UZR:
        Lind: -1.8
        Dunn: -8.3

        By DRS:
        Lind: -6
        Dunn: -13

        By BR dWAR:
        Lind: -1.4
        Dunn: -2.3

        I only used this season’s defensive stats, even though everyone knows you use defensive stats in three-year samples, because Dunn’s career stats make him look even worse, whereas Lind’s career stats make him look a fair bit better.

  45. [...] friends at Drunk Jays Fans have unearthed an arrest report written by a Toronto police officer about a fan who ran onto the field at a Blue Jays game on May [...]

  46. I’d like to challenge Stoeten to an Write-off.

    I think he’s a great writer but I hate how analytical he is/has become, when it comes to fanaticism.
    I would imagine when he started this blog, he did it as a fan.
    But when he writes his stuff now, it’s all “is Blue Jay A better then Blue Jay B?”, “What’s his wins above replacement?”. “Is he worth 3 mill?” “What’s his OBP?”

    Stoeten, you either have become or always were a computer. I challenge you to 1000 words on the Jays topic of your choice. You’ll probably kill me on syntax but I’ll destroy you in laughs per sentence.

    My email is jack_macockoff@yahoo.com if you dare accept the gauntlet to the face.

    • “a write off”

      I’m already failing, so no reason for you to puss out. It’s not like you have a pennant race to write about.

      • You already know I believe in things that can’t be proven or quantified like leadership/chemistry and character so it should be a cake walk.

        C’mon, bring it kid.

        • Maybe you’ve become too analytical?

          • Also, hoping you have a second email address. Not sure how well you would fair at a job interview after tossing that one down on the application.
            That is, of course, unless they wanted to get their “jack” on.

            • Aww fuck, I just came to the realization that it’s Saturday. He’ll never see this shit anyway.

              • If he could participate in the write off without being pissy, this would possibly be the highlight of the 2013 season.

                It would be interesting to see how voting is measured.

                • It’s a Saturday of a long weekend. I expect this to be the game threat for the entire weekend. Pretty good chance this same post is on the top of the list on Tuesday.

    • You’ll never beat a Hipster. They all think they write like Hitchens, even when writing about something as unimportant as baseball.

      Both Parkes and Stoeten are pretty damn good, but I think they forget they’re writing about a childs game sometimes not the geo-polotical ramifacations of the genocide of the Kurds.

    • 1000 words is too short. Go 2000 words minimum.

  47. Dalton Pompey, cf, Blue Jays: A 16th-round pick back in 2010 when he was considered one of the top Canadian talents in that year’s draft, Pompey did not earn significant at-bats in a full-season league until this year. But don’t give up on him yet. The 20-year-old has some athleticism and his bat is slowly catching up to the league. He hit .474/.600/1.105 this week with three home runs in 19 at-bats after hitting nine in his first 750 pro at-bats.

    Rowdy Tellez, 1b, Blue Jays: Toronto couldn’t sign first-round pick Phil Bickford, but they managed to get Tellez in the 30th round for $850,000. Tellez, 18, went 10-for-24 with five extra-base hits this week in the Rookie-level Gulf Coast League, where he’s shown a patient approach and plenty of raw power during batting practice.

    Grant (Winnipeg): Dalton Pompey was “in the team photo”. Is the upside there pretty high, or was this likely more of a little blip? Does it all turn on the hit tool?

    J.J. Cooper: He’s worth keeping an eye on, but there’s more reason to be skeptical than enthusiastic at this point. There is some pretty useful upside those if he figures it all out.

  48. Hey Parkes, suck my ass.

    Stick to games of chess in the park on Sundays.

    • On a writing note, it would appear the Star has thrown the towel in on 2013 with Rosie di Manno spewing her shit about the Jays.

  49. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GAME 2 GAME THREAT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  50. Great game from Drabek yesterday. Him and Nolin are looking like the most likely candidates to get called up tomorrow.

    Jiminez is on the temporary inactive list so I don’t know if that means he’s already on his way to Toronto or not. I know Buffalo was also adding players from other lower leagues that have finished their seasons.

  51. 50,000 people? Where?

  52. [...] report, which was uncovered by the guys at Drunk Jays Fans, read as [...]

  53. I O U E A AND SOMETIMES Y

  54. Totally depends on what you’re baking for BREAKFAST

  55. Lineup

    Reyes
    Goins
    EE
    Lind
    Lawrie
    Rajai
    Thole
    Sierra
    Gose

  56. Mark Buehrle has really taken care of his own business over the last 11 starts.

    He’s always gonna give up hits (that just his style) so it’s tough to make a pretty advanced stats argument for him, but as far good old fashioned earned runs are concerned in the last 11 he has allowed…..

    ER 0 – four times
    ER 1 – two times
    ER 2 – one time
    ER 3 – two times
    ER 5- one time
    ER 8 – one time

    Fuck, even in the 8 ER stinker he still managed to go 6 innings, that’s at least worth of a participation ribbon.

    It’s kinda reassuring that a guy who is older and in the back loaded era of his contract has settled into just about his exact career average.

    Also, for those of you who think that staying healthy is a skill, this is year 13 of making every start.

    Despite the cluster fuck which was 2013, it is reassuring to me that at least the guy many were much worried about at the beginning of the year is looking like the one of the least of the worries going in 2014.

  57. He is now “tradeable” to a certain degree with an ERA below 4 and no longer a huge albatross. I believe the Jays will explore trading him to the NL this winter ( about 50-50 I’d say) and they may have to throw in 7-8m to do it
    They will do this, I think, to free up $$$ for pitchers with a more reasonable cost/future, like perhaps Phil Hughes who is a FA and perhaps into a C. But, then they lose a lot of innings that he chews up so we’ll see. I’m still sticking with my original prediction of one of Dickey, Buerhle or Morrow being moved to help address either LF or C or in a package for a bonafide No2 arm

  58. [...] Lastly. Dustin Parkes at Drunk Jays Fans has one of the funnier posts describing an arrest of a fan earlier this season at the Rogers Centre. [...]

  59. Parkes is one anal dude

  60. this is a lie. they actually shot him.

  61. [...] Toronto Police empathize with Rogers Centre interloper [The Score] [...]

  62. [...] Joseph Blackspace is subdued after running onto the field at Rogers Centre in Toronto during a Blue Jays/Mariners game on 5/5/13.Credit: The Score [...]

  63. [...] You know the drill when a lunatic fan runs on the field during a baseball game: The camera randomly pans around to anything other than what’s taking place on the field while the announcers get all serious and let us know they have a very important policy in place where they’d never show the overzealous individual because they think that will stop other fans from doing it and then the announcers ramble on about what a horrible human being sad fan is and explain that he’s going to go to jail and running on the field is basically as bad as killing a small village of women and children. For one cop in Toronto, though, a fan running on the field was the opportunity to fill out one of the greatest police reports you will ever see. [...]

  64. [...] You may have seen this last week, but if not definitely worth the time: Toronto Police Empathize With Rogers Centre Interloper. [...]

  65. Dustin, I hate you. I hate you with a passion. You’re an idiot.

  66. I met the infamous Joe [blackspace] at a bar last night. I couldn’t help but Google him today to verify the validity of his ‘amazing’ claim to stardom. (His wing man introduced the notorious one. It didn’t have the panty-greasing impact he hoped for; it was not ‘well played’ much like the beloved Jays.)

    Parkes is right, Joe is “That Guy” through-and-through. Though, to the point of many commentators here, I’ve met Parkes a couple times and he notoriously arrogant and his writing mostly masturbatory).

    But what I can’t get over is that people seem more preoccupied with Parkes’ writing and Joe’s stunts than the AMAZING DEFENSE BY THE CROWN. Did you read that?! You want a spectacular piece of theatrics and writing, forget Joe and Parkes, that attorney’s literary defense is a fk’ing masterpiece! Seriously, that guy got paid real LAWYER DOLLARS for that. And won. I think we know who has the real balls here.

    Marry me, Mr Assistant to the Crown. You are pure gold.

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