Through even the most optimistic set of eyes the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays season has been an unrivalled disaster. The most sadistic of pre-season predictions could not possibly have foretold so many consecutive months of let downs, bad news, and frustrating results.
As summer now sits in our rear view mirror and the cold fronts of autumn drag our finest sweaters out of our closets and onto Drake’s new album, it is time to once again take stock of what is before us as we dig in for another winter filled with big expectations.
However unnecessary as it may seem, there are still a handful of baseball games left that the Toronto Blue Jays are contractually obligated to complete. As die hard fans of the team it can start to become a very existential time of year, as the questions of “Why am I even doing this?” start to creep up alongside the realization that another summer went by without you going to the gym like you said you would. At least bathing suit season is over.
It is in the spirit of those hardcore fans that I present this list of the five best reasons to continue watching the Toronto Blue Jays 2013 season.
1- Each game brings you closer to the sweet release of death.
This is a big one. The average human life is about 657,000 hours. The average baseball game is somewhere around three hours. The 2013 Toronto Blue Jays are offering you the opportunity to take another 30 hours of your time on this planet out from doing things like thinking, acting, or doing. You likely already waste around eight hours of your day not working very hard at a job you probably don’t really like for a boss you probably can’t stand, and when you get home you’re expected to continue pretending to enjoy the company of people you love a little bit less every day? Don’t worry, Buck and Tabby are here to lead you down a well where you’ll wake up at 9:45pm wondering where your night went. Sweet retirement will be here before you know it.
2- The Moises Sierra’s of the world.
Did you know that Moises Sierra has been one of the best hitters in baseball the last month? Yes, all it took was every team in the league expanding their rosters to make room for guys who couldn’t get a sniff of playing time when the games had even a shred of meaning to them for Sierra to go off on a tear. Call me crazy, but I really think some of these bit-players that couldn’t crack the lineup of a 70-win team could really be big contributors next season.
Take it from a guy who has paid money to see Snakes on a Plane in theatres and listens to the Lil’ B the Based God by choice: Appearing to sincerely enjoy things that most people find objectively terrible can be a lot of fun. This is the perfect generation for this kind of thing. I mean, have you HEARD this fucking song?
Unbelievably bad. Almost FORTY MILLION views and people are trying to sell that as THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. If that’s the song of the summer, then the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays are definitely worth your time in late September.
4- To fit in on twitter
You spent years using social media to build your #brand to where it is today, so don’t waste all that work by suddenly drastically changing lanes on your timeline. Nobody wants to hear about your thoughts on the NSA or Syria, or about how happy your ‘actual’ life is, or follow along with your unhealthy addiction to an energy drink. What if one of these scrappy bit players does something that earns them a nickname or something? You don’t want to be the kind of person that needs to ask someone to explain a joke, aka the worst kind of person. As a wise man once said: “Stick to sports, bud.”
5- You may as well use that flex pack you bought in March
Okay, so not EVERYBODY thinks 2013 was a total disaster in Toronto. If you happen to work in the Blue Jays PR department I fully expect you to be dropping a banner from whatever the office equivalent of the rafters above Jumbotron is. After last winter’s flurry of excitement and activity Blue Jays tickets sold like they were early season tickets to TFC. Unfortunately the Jays also played like TFC, making the flex pack you bought the day they went on sale to see the Meaningful September Baseball games against the Yankees and Rays as useless as a job as a high ranking member of TFC management. I wanted to name some names in this paragraph but everyone associated with TFC quit or got fired before I could finish it. Long story short, you may as well go to the games now that you have the tickets. Yelling something at the players and hearing it audibly bounce off every wall inside the concrete of the Rogers Centre is sort of fun in its own way.
BONUS 6 – You’ll miss it.
No matter how bad it gets or how hopeless it seems, at the end of the day its still baseball. When the snow is falling and everyone else is talking about hockey, you’ll look out the window and wish you were watching an 85 loss team struggle to get outs against the Astros. You’ll miss the bad swings, the missed bunts, and the defensive miscues. You’ll miss the struggling starters and the beleaguered bullpen, the home runs and the knuckleball. You’ll miss Encarnacion’s Parrot and Lawrie’s red bull. You’ll even miss J.P. Arencibia.
Well, okay. Let’s not get crazy.