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Losers

Losers

Through even the most optimistic set of eyes the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays season has been an unrivalled disaster. The most sadistic of pre-season predictions could not possibly have foretold so many consecutive months of let downs, bad news, and frustrating results.

As summer now sits in our rear view mirror and the cold fronts of autumn drag our finest sweaters out of our closets and onto Drake’s new album, it is time to once again take stock of what is before us as we dig in for another winter filled with big expectations.

However unnecessary as it may seem, there are still a handful of baseball games left that the Toronto Blue Jays are contractually obligated to complete. As die hard fans of the team it can start to become a very existential time of year, as the questions of “Why am I even doing this?” start to creep up alongside the realization that another summer went by without you going to the gym like you said you would. At least bathing suit season is over.

It is in the spirit of those hardcore fans that I present this list of the five best reasons to continue watching the Toronto Blue Jays 2013 season.

 1- Each game brings you closer to the sweet release of death.

This is a big one. The average human life is about 657,000 hours. The average baseball game is somewhere around three hours. The 2013 Toronto Blue Jays are offering you the opportunity to take another 30 hours of your time on this planet out from doing things like thinking, acting, or doing. You likely already waste around eight hours of your day not working very hard at a job you probably don’t really like for a boss you probably can’t stand, and when you get home you’re expected to continue pretending to enjoy the company of people you love a little bit less every day? Don’t worry, Buck and Tabby are here to lead you down a well where you’ll wake up at 9:45pm wondering where your night went. Sweet retirement will be here before you know it.

2- The Moises Sierra’s of the world.

Did you know that Moises Sierra has been one of the best hitters in baseball the last month? Yes, all it took was every team in the league expanding their rosters to make room for guys who couldn’t get a sniff of playing time when the games had even a shred of meaning to them for Sierra to go off on a tear. Call me crazy, but I really think some of these bit-players that couldn’t crack the lineup of a 70-win team could really be big contributors next season.

"This guy looks like a ballplayer!'

“This guy looks like a ballplayer!’

3- Irony

Take it from a guy who has paid money to see Snakes on a Plane in theatres and listens to the Lil’ B the Based God by choice: Appearing to sincerely enjoy things that most people find objectively terrible can be a lot of fun. This is the perfect generation for this kind of thing. I mean, have you HEARD this fucking song?

Unbelievably bad. Almost FORTY MILLION views and people are trying to sell that as THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. If that’s the song of the summer, then the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays are definitely worth your time in late September.

4- To fit in on twitter

You spent years using social media to build your #brand to where it is today, so don’t waste all that work by suddenly drastically changing lanes on your timeline. Nobody wants to hear about your thoughts on the NSA or Syria, or about how happy your ‘actual’ life is, or follow along with your unhealthy addiction to an energy drink. What if one of these scrappy bit players does something that earns them a nickname or something? You don’t want to be the kind of person that needs to ask someone to explain a joke, aka the worst kind of person. As a wise man once said: “Stick to sports, bud.”

5- You may as well use that flex pack you bought in March

Okay, so not EVERYBODY thinks 2013 was a total disaster in Toronto. If you happen to work in the Blue Jays PR department I fully expect you to be dropping a banner from whatever the office equivalent of the rafters above Jumbotron is. After last winter’s flurry of excitement and activity Blue Jays tickets sold like they were early season tickets to TFC. Unfortunately the Jays also played like TFC, making the flex pack you bought the day they went on sale to see the Meaningful September Baseball games against the Yankees and Rays as useless as a job as a high ranking member of TFC management. I wanted to name some names in this paragraph but everyone associated with TFC quit or got fired before I could finish it. Long story short, you may as well go to the games now that you have the tickets. Yelling something at the players and hearing it audibly bounce off every wall inside the concrete of the Rogers Centre is sort of fun in its own way.

BONUS 6 – You’ll miss it.

No matter how bad it gets or how hopeless it seems, at the end of the day its still baseball. When the snow is falling and everyone else is talking about hockey, you’ll look out the window and wish you were watching an 85 loss team struggle to get outs against the Astros. You’ll miss the bad swings, the missed bunts, and the defensive miscues. You’ll miss the struggling starters and the beleaguered bullpen, the home runs and the knuckleball. You’ll miss Encarnacion’s Parrot and Lawrie’s red bull. You’ll even miss J.P. Arencibia.

Well, okay. Let’s not get crazy.

Comments (70)

  1. Reyes.

  2. Number 6 made me want to cry. That was beautiful man

  3. That song was awful

  4. Give Sierra a chance next year on a clean slate. I would like to see how these guys play when they are not 22 games back.

    • agree. september gives us a chance to see what the kids can do, but when one of them does well, everyone discounts it because its september. he’s earned a chance at regular ABs.

  5. Every time I hear The Fox, my reaction is as visceral as the first time I heard it. That takes effort. Inhuman, abnormal effort.

    Kudos to that Norwegian fuck, may some black metal lunatics behead him in that forest.

    • You should check out some of there other tunes on Youtube. Pretty funny stuff. They kind of remind me of the Barenaked Ladies on Acid.

  6. Reason #7: That turf will be but a memory in 2018, so enjoy it while it lasts.

  7. New article at Globe and Mail – grass by 2017!

  8. With fewer attendees, it is easier to spot The Man in White.

  9. I’m way too emotional over this.

  10. Also, with Todd Redmond pitching as well as he has been, I’m kind of wondering if he’s just Mark Buehrle with a slightly larger fake beard.

    • Redmond has me supremely intrigued. His ability to generate strikeouts is more than can be said about someone like Happ (7 k/9), mind you small sample size since Happ’s a 7 yr veteran and Redmond would probably get figured out a bit more next year by hitters. Regardless, if Redmond regressed in his K/9, he has been able to pitch like you said, in a very Buerhle way, he gets out of jams and and has basically one to 2 pitches he just seems to baffle pitchers with.

  11. I would like to see a “Morning After” style graph for the season. It wouldn’t even have to be real (as in not actually reflective of the Jays chances of making the post season) – but it would be funny to see what DJF thinks were the major points of the season that swung the Jays chances and psyche up and down.

  12. “The most sadistic of pre-season predictions could not possibly have foretold so many consecutive months of let downs, bad news, and frustrating results.”

    Except Cliff Corcoran (sp?) who is now implying that he saw this coming all along.

  13. Its true; its still baseball and by October 1 (despite the post-season starting and hockey returning), I will miss the Jays and long for April 2014.

  14. Great post, but I’ve watched may 11 or 12 innings total since mid-August. I’d rather bbq and watch my kids play than what’s passed for baseball this season. But soon we’ll have the Leafs to disappoint us.

  15. I’ve actually been watching more games lately, I’ve come to terms with my disappointment so its not such an emotional roller coaster when the Jays fuck up.

  16. Gose is why I watch. I think he is coming along finally. People have been shitting on AA for everything this year. But Gose and Lawrie may be two of his greatest moves before it is all said and done.

  17. Here’s one good reason not to watch: ulcers!

  18. Surprisingly, the 2013 Jays have been one of the less-shitty things to happen to me this year. So, I can’t really complain.

  19. It’s easy to dismiss September success as taking advantage of other teams playing their scrubs, but I don’t think it applies in Sierra’s case. He has 24 hits this season: 3 off C.J. Wilson, and 2 each off of Andy Pettitte, Hiroki Kuroda, Jerome Williams and Garrett Richards. He has 13 hits off of 13 other pitchers, only two of which I would consider fringe major leaguers: Eury de la Rosa and Kevin Gausman.

    (Full disclosure: the other 11 pitchers are Brandon McCarthy, Mike Pelfrey, Chris Tilliman, Phil Hughes, Dane de la Rosa, Kevin Correia, Josh Collmenter, Miguel Gonzalez, David Hernandez, Adam Warren and Shawn Kelley)

  20. So 1 and 6 are really the only valid reasons.

  21. As fuck, reason number 5 was me last night. Just one more game against Tampa to go and I can buy my post season tickets. Amiright?

  22. You’ll even miss J.P. Arencibia.

    #no

  23. The beauty of this season is that as shitty as it has been in producing wins and playoffs, from an individual player perspective, how fucking great is it to see that almost all of the ? marks have shown promise?

    1. EE – no guarantee last year wasn’t just an outlier year, but AA was confident we had another Bautista in the making and locks him up – he rewards everyone with an even better season that would have surpassed last yr if he didnt get hurt – and I think it’s safe to say that EE is probably the most popular Blue Jay now, not bad for a guy who barely takes interviews, was released by his team and dropped back on waivers and probably one of the most disliked players by fans a few years ago

    2. Rasmus – EE might not be the most popular for much longer, sweet Clete is making a case for that going into the offseason – in similar vein, a quiet guy who doesnt show a ton of emotion, Rasmus was the stud CF’er everyone wanted to love but couldn’t because he couldnt put together an all-round solid season – now it looks like he’s on the verge of becoming a top 10 CF’er – huge ? mark going into the season and he surpassed expectations for sure – also, how about the fact that he has 2 HR’s among the top 20 furthest hit in MLB this year? guy hits fucking bombs

    3. Lind – we want to like this guy, because really, other than not performing he’s a likable guy right? but let’s be honest, Lind was DOA and now heading into 2014 fans are going to be arguing the case for picking up his option – there may be some life left in Lind and although he’s an expensive platoon bat at best, the fact that he was able to reclaim some of his past success already makes this a win in my eyes and answers a ? that most were expecting to end in Lind being DFA’d or traded

    4. Bullpen – hey maybe Cecil would make a decent reliever after some modest transition success last year – nope, he’s a great reliever. Hey maybe that Delabar trade was pretty good, nope, it was fucking awesome, maybe one of AA’s best. The depth on this bullpen is scary good. A healthy Santos is as bad ass as we expected. An almost full season of healthy McGowan, who’d a thunk it? Casey Janssen can hold his own as a closer, he’s that damn consistent. Pretty much every ? in the bullpen was surpassed this year and then some with guys like Wagner and now Jeffress making cases for the roster next yr

    5. Lawrie – he’s one of the best 3rd basemen . . . .nope, maybe this guy is overrated . . . nope, wrong, sorry we doubted you red bull! I never doubted this guy but I think his swing was seriously fucked up in the first half and now that it is fixed he is exactly like the guy that showed up in his first 2 months in the MLB and his defense never changed a bit, in fact it may have become even better. Lawrie was a ? b/c of health, naturally, but I think there was doubt about his bat, whether he was just going to IF single his way through life, but the last 2 months have shown this guy has serious gap power and his HR/PA is in the range of 20 HR per year.

    6. Buerhle – Buerhle done Buerhled. What else can be said. We questioned his ability to pitch in the AL again, let alone AL East, and his commitment to the team with all the bulldog bullshit and now he’s got the appearance of the anchor of the staff and also seems to be one of the Jays having the most fun on the team and a good leader

    7. Reyes – pretty much the most fun player to watch play, just as we anticipated. The reasonable fans knew his D was a downgrade from Yunel, but all I questioned from Reyes was whether he could hit .290-.300 and play an entertaining style of baseball the Jays lacked. He did that. Can’t do much about his freak injury but since coming back he’s been exactly the player I expected in that trade.

    8. The kids – I was very down on our prospects after Snider was dealt and the emergence of the real JPA. But guys like Goins, Sierra and Gose have me believing that this year has to be considered a success considering other than Gose nobody expected any prospects to factor in to this season. Sierra has been a success. Goins defense is incredible and Gose has played no worse than Bonifacio. In fact I firmly believe Gose could put up similar #’s to what Boni should have and what Rajai did this year at a fraction of their cost and deserves to be a 4th OF’er on this team, despite a still very rough bat. The fact that I’m excited for some of these kids and none of them are named Stroman, Sanchez, Nolin, or Jiminez is a small answer to a big ? after the farm was gutted

    9. The benchwarmers – I never expected to finish this season, pining for DeRosa and Kawasaki to return to the roster, or Redmond and Rogers to get a shot at the starting rotation. For what they are getting paid, they are excellent depth value and in the case of DeRosa and Kawa I think they add an element to the clubhouse that keeps the team loose.

    Obviously not all rose-coloured glasses. Bautista is likely in decline, Johnson was an absolute disapointment, Dickey wasn’t able to repeat his Cy Young campaign, Izzy and Boni werent as advertised, etc. But some of those things are inevitable in baseball.

    I’ll take a declining Bautista any day, when he can still hit 30 HRs and 100 RBI at 1/5th of what Hamilton is getting paid.

    Johnson was a one in a million horror show nobody anywhere could have expected and just happens to be even more painful considering last year that was Ricky Romero.

    Melky gets a bit of slack, the tumour on his spine could have sapped his power and running ability, otherwise he was hitting like I expected.

    Some injury and underperformance happens on every team, but really the only 3 IMO that didn’t meet expectations were Izzy, Boni and Morrow. I still see Johnson as a one and done disaster, he won’t repeat that next year.

    2 guys who performed as I expected were Rajai and JPA. JP was a dissapointment this year for many, but I dont think it was that shocking considering his overall body of work. I agree with Stoeten that it looks a lot worse because the staff continue to trot him out there.

    I’d probably lump Happ in there as well. I think his stats would be a bit better if not for the injury, but I didnt expect him to be anything more than a #5

    So in sum, I think from an individual player perspective, there’s been lots of success this year and that will all translate into wins at some point, hopefully as soon as next year. Even some of the ? marks regress, there will be other new players added and other players will have breakout seasons, but for the most part, 75% of this team is doing everything we had hoped for

    • What I like about Bautista – despite the dire warnings of his best-before date already expired – is that he can make the opposition squirm. Even though Big Papi is not the guy he once was, he still gives you an uncomfortable “oh, shit” feeling when he comes up with the bases juiced. I hope JBats continues to decline at a very leisurely rate – and together with EE and a supporting cast, provides a decent punch for years to come.

      • Yea exactly – Bautista, even in decline, gets on base a ton, hits the clutch HRs and doubles late in the game, just like an Ortiz. Bautista can hit .250 and 30 HRs and I will long for him to have better at bats, but when it’s the 7th inning or later and Bautista comes up in a crucial situation, I just know he’s gonna do something and I get that feeling of invincibility

        • He will also continue to hit the ball to the outfield – as long as there are enough guys on 2b/3b in front of him, Bautista will continue to be a major run producer for a long time.

    • So, next season you have Melky/Rasmus/JB as a solid outfield, with Sierra/Gose/Pillar at Buffalo. Very solid — but what if you need Sierra as the RH DH partner to Lind and Gose as the 4th outfielder with speed and D? All of sudden OF depth goes to zero.

      Lawrie/Reyes/Lind or EE doesn’t cover the defensive or offensive gap at 2B (especially since Lind and EE are both subpar defensively). Izturis w/Goins in the late inning Johnny Mac role? Really?

      And catcher is a disaster — unless Jiminez can suddenly find a bat.

      SP is all question marks w/ 3(!!) guys minimum needing to step up to 150+ innings.

      I’ll give you the bullpen — we can actually trade from strength there, even with Oliver retiring — but wow, we need a lot of new bodies. 2B/C/SP holes will be tough to fill, unless we have some rebound years from the starters.

      • I dont see filling roster spots like that as ? marks. AA will make signings and make moves, this is not like previous years where AA, Beeston and Rogers were vague about improving the club in a way that showed extensive progress at making the playoffs.

        Every club is going to have holes, I’m more concerned about the players in the supposed non-hole positions, are they actually capable of producing. And in all those areas, I think they have met or exceeded that mark.

        Even the rotation, there’s a ton of depth there, although I’ll grant that area needs the most work and improvement to compete.

        But it’s not a 100% necessity the Jays have to all stars at catcher and 2b, they can live w/ a mediocre player at one of those positions. I definitely think C should be a priority however, over 2b, considering the revolving door of pitchers in this staff the last few years

      • Sierra will not be in Buffalo next year.

        He is out of minor league options, and I highly doubt Moises Sierra will clear waivers after next Spring Training.

        I don’t think the Jays want him to clear waivers anyways. Moises Sierra is the 25 Man roster replacement for Boni/Davis, depending on offseason transactions. The Boni trade ensured that the Jays can go into next year status quo with their batting lineup in terms of the players they need to protect on the 25 Man roster coming out of Spring Training next year. The only question is whether or not Davis is resigned, but either way Sierra will be spitting seeds in the dugout next year…. someone’s MLB dugout.

  24. #6.

    I will miss it, craptacular though it’s been. I will miss it as I always do.

    I will count down the days to option deadlines, to NPB postings, to winter meetings, to free agent contract ridiculosity, to pitcher/catcher reporting, to fake spring training games, and to the blank slate that is April 1st.

    I will continue to check my usual baseball haunts many times a day, knowing there will be nothing new posted from an hour ago, yet clinging to the hope that AA will have made an exciting and completely unexpected move in the time it took me to go the bathroom and slackass my way through another hour of work.

    Like an ugly teenager desperate for any hint of affection, I will glad lap up whatever precious drops fall from the keyboards of Keith Law and DJF and their ilk.

    God, I hate the off-season.

  25. With all due respect to the tender, evocative imagery portrayed in #6 – replete with big squishy snowflakes – I can’t imagine the soul-sucking, hellish scenario in which I would actually miss the 2013 version of Aaron Cibia.

  26. I will never miss Arencibia

  27. One of the worst posts in DJF history.
    Just stick to your rip-off post-game posts. Oh, right. Those mysteriously went away.

  28. That song was like having a pine cone shoved up my ass. Just awful.

  29. I watch because I kinda like this team currently.

    Add Bautista, Morrow, and A. J. Pierzynski

    Keep Sierra to be LHP DH platoon, Colby to the corner, Gose in centre, Goins can be carried (yeah I know, but I don’t think that a much better upgrade will be worth the price).

    I’d show up in 2014 for that squad.

  30. I’d like to see jays sign mccann

    • The you best be checking the reverse standings daily.

    • I’ve been saying that since mid season. I think he would really benefit from playing in the dome. Oh, and the pitching staff would benefit from having a “major league” catcher.

    • I’d love McCann but I think Ruiz would be a better option.

      Ruiz has as good OBP and AVG

      Defensively they are about the same, although Ruiz is older, could decline quicker

      I dont want to pay for McCann’s age, years, and HRs. The Jays don’t need more HRs for one, and they would be wise to seek a shorter term/dollar contract as they already have a number of large contracts.

      For the price of McCann, they could likely acquire Ruiz and absorb Kendrick’s contract (plus the players they deal to LAA) – I’d take that any day

      It;ll likely hinge on whether any team out there is willing to deal an ace-like pitcher. I dont know if ChiSox would be that serious about dealing Sale, but I’d toss whatever they want at him, and try and gladly go with Ruiz and Goins/Izzy next year, saving $ to lock up Sale longterm

      • After having my fingers mildly singed by the non-Cy Young year of Dickey and the total abortion flameout of a season by JJohnson – I’m a little reluctant to blithely dive back into the “stud” starting pitcher end of the pool.
        Do I wanna….oh, hell yes.
        Am I wary….doubly so. But I guess, like everything else, you lay your money down and you takes your chances on Lady Luck.
        I’d be happy if they got a guy that could manage NOT to need Tommy John surgery before season’s end, and someone that would be an upgrade over JPA…and maybe some hitting depth.

  31. Are we not going to talk about the official grass announcement (2017)?

  32. This is great. Really well written. Nice job.

  33. One reason to never watch the BJ’s ever, ever again. The most bullshit-filled year ever and this column that continues its rose-colored approach to a horrible team, with the obvious exception of Arencibia of course.

    • Why so much hate, Roger? Did some major-leaguer not sign an autograph for you as a kid?
      Yeah, it’s a bullshit year….but at this point (like 20 other teams in MLB) all you can do is laugh and look for some positives for next season.

      • I am fed up with being coaxed, brainwashed with promises of “a good year” by team management abetted by a sycophantic media. I will no longer jump on any wagons. Sorry but just put me down as “done”.

    • A baseball season is 6 months long. 6 months! Nobody is going to whine and cry over it for that long, and if you do, it’s probably unhealthy.

  34. [...] In case you find yourself questioning for existence watching the Blue Jays play out the season, here are five reasons to keep watching from Archi Zuber at DJF. [...]

  35. Longest off-season ever…

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