Start with the important stuff and get all super cereal about it? Don’t make me larf. We’re kicking off this week-ish of half-assed year-in-review posts in the best and least self-congratulatory way possible: with a case of the zanies! Or, in English, with a look back at the best of a bunch of stupid/fun shit we posted to help lift our spirits over the course of a dismal season on the field for the Jays.
More relevant now than ever, back in January friend of the blog Ben Johnson pushed back at the then-burgeoning Yes We Canseco movement as he looked into whether the former Blue Jay– and noted author!– Jose Canseco could actually, realistically make good on his many Twitter threats to take a run at the seat of the potentially displaced “Rod” Ford and become Toronto’s next mayor. Hilarious, right? Except for how, y’know, this now sounds about a kabillion times less embarrassing for the city than the current sludge.
The Zubes helped make February just a little brighter for all of us with a set of hilarious Jays-themed Valentine’s Day cards (with special appearance from Dat Ass), and followed up with even more of them later that same week.
Mark Behar treated us to a Ricciardi-era Jays-themed comic that never was.
Not long after the Jays got together in Florida for the start of Spring Training, they all got their official photos taken, so I had some fun with picture day, and then returned later with some more half-assed ones.
March wasn’t even over yet, but Dave Burrows was already sick of the Jays’ insufferable advertising campaign.
Meanwhile, Vernon Wells decided to go ahead and torch whatever remained of the sympathy Jays fans might have for him by telling New York reporters that he could hardly hide his smile at becoming a Yankee, saying that he had quietly been a fan of theirs all along.
The giddiness of early April would never come close to being recaptured– not even during the club’s big mid-season winning streak– and we were excited for no one more than reigning NL Cy Young winner R.A. Dickey, which is demonstrated quite clearly by this look at the magical physics of an ace. Ugh.
When Opening Day arrived, Scott Johnson was ready, putting together a thread full of GIFs of the festivities, culled on the fly. Of course, it would only take nine (or… maybe ten) to sum up J.P. Arencibia’s disastrous night.
While I may have made a faux pas with the lame Anchorman reference in the title, I still have a long way to go to reach the level of awfulness achieved by the piece of shit in this video of a fight from the 500 level during what the YouTube clip says is the season’s second game, but which was clearly the opener.
Craig Robinson gave us an incredible Colby Rasmus hair cloak.
Scott Lewis decided to write some headlines for the local media, and… uh… they’re entirely perfect.
A fan was captured while exiting an early-April game, but not before he did something everyone who was witnessing the Jays’ play on the field at the time wanted to do: he vomited fucking everywhere.
Around here we like to live by one simple rule: If Jon Morosi is going to troll the Jays, Trolololosi is going to troll him.
More awesome GIFfery, as Scott Johnson gave us all seven reasons to love Munenori Kawasaki.
The Jays’ Dominican contingent got wacky with a photo-op, while ol’ Gibbers– presumably not knowing that the cameras were on– went full Al Bundy down the front of his uniform, and a sign in Baltimore presciently, oddly summed up the season to date.
It took him twelve GIFs to tell the story of a mid-April game against the Orioles, but we could forgive Scott Johnson for taking up all that computing power, since he hilariously did it to the tune of Talkin’ Softball from The Simpsons.
Meanwhile, we closed a catastrophe of a month with a catastrophe of a jersey: a pre-2012 Mark “Beuhrle” one spotted at Union Station.
Find yourself a couple of cuties and give Scott Johnson’s Buck Martinez Soundboard a re-visit. Still. So. Good.
It wasn’t until the calendar turned to May that Melky Cabrera hit his first home run of the year, and blissfully unaware of how it was only going to happen twice more on the season, his teammates gave him the silent treatment.
Scott Lewis wasn’t the only one who took notice when Anthony Gose stole home in a game for the Buffalo Bisons, but he was the only one who made a GIF of it– at least around here. And it’s complete with evidence of Jake Arrieta totally not bothering to pitch from the stretch with a runner on third. Still, though! Excitement for Gose! Remember???
The Jays pulled out a big mid-May victory over the San Francisco Giants, but it wasn’t without a whole bunch of weirdness.
We podcasted about my damn Costanza Moment.
Because the season had yet to crush our souls entirely, we– specifically Scott Johnson– put together all the best GIFs of the week only one time, and it happened here in mid-May.
Thanks to Johnson we finally learned what was inside the now Gatorade-drenched little book of English phrases that Munenori Kawasaki used when he charmed his way into our hearts with a post-game interview, and it turns out they were hilarious. “Another Japanese player on team named Kawasaklee? Ask Buck.”
It took a month before a GIF that Johnson and the Zubes put their heads together on would make it from a link in a Morning After post to blowing up the internet, but that’s what happened to the awesome visual approximation of Edwin Encarnacion taking the parrot for a walk. It would only take another three weeks before we found that someone had pretty much exactly taken the image in the GIF and made it into a t-shirt that they’d been selling a tonne of.
Kawasaki fever reached its zenith in June, I think. Or maybe I just stopped paying attention to this fucking team afterwards. Either way, Munenori’s version of O Canada was a hit! Hit enough, even, that Johnson dug up an old commercial he featured in for Nishi-Nippon Railroad, back in 2008.
Jose Bautista got himself involved in the Kawasaki video craze, posting a Vine video of him and Munenori doing some pre-game foam roller warm ups, which… uh… were kinda somethin’ else.
Proving that they’re as savvy as you’d expect a minor league baseball team to be when it comes to promotions, the Buffalo Bisons had themselves a Star Wars theme night, and it just so happened that Jose Reyes was “beamed up” in time for it. (It also happened that
The high point of the season, in terms of the Jays’ on-field play, the club swept the Baltimore Orioles to make it eleven wins in a row, and we used a bunch of GIFs to tell the story of that weekend– one that included Buck Showalter “ejecting” the umpires, a game-tying two-run home run off Kawasaki’s bat, Bautista getting chirped by Darren O’Day after a strikeout one day, then gesturing at him that he talks too much after blasting a home run off him the next. And more!
Though it turns out she’s a Dodgers fan, or something, Allison Brie of Mad Men and Community made a Vine video of herself at a Jays game. So… that’s… something.
The Zubes’ Morning After posts were a constant source of gold… y’know, when they happened. Late June gave us a fine example, made even finer by the collection of Dickeyfaces in the main graphic of this one, which also coincided with the quiet return to the lineup of Jose Reyes– and therefore, if you think about it, pretty much the end of the Jays’ run as semi-serious competitors in 2013. Ugh.
Of course, it’s not just Dickey’s face that we saw there, as R.A. himself realized in late June, tweeting about his uncanny resemblance to a certain fast food chain monarch.
Though we didn’t actually post about it, and though it’s a saga that has gone on longer, and more hilariously than any of us could have believed, it was June when we were all introduced to the Duncebats. And oh, aren’t our lives so much richer for it. Scott Johnson reviews how they earned a special place in our hearts by way of these three tweets: one, two, three. Sweet delicious gold. #smartenup
This may be a genuine story and not just LOLz, but J.P. Arencibia called out media members Gregg Zaun (over his alleged P.E.D. use, among other things) and Dirk Hayhurst for being too critical on him. I mean… come on, that’s hilarious.
Arencibia showed up again in some assorted weekend thoughts I shared at one point in June, after he admitted on Jim Bowden’s Sirius XM show that he’d lobbied Paul Beeston to get Rogers-paid broadcasters to stop criticizing him. I also railed quite nicely about fans who get overly negative (really? me?) and the wholly inappropriately-placed Ted Rogers statue outside Rogers Centre, so that’s fun too!
Aaaand, of course, not long after all this, Arencibia quit Twitter in a huff. Amazing.
In terms of non-Arencibia July weirdness, Feminist Jose Bautista was a thing.
Jose Bautista joined Kevin Millar and Chris Rose on Intentional Talk on the MLB Network (in a Lo Viste shirt!), and… I thiiiink threw Ronald Belisario under the bus.
The Jays talked to AUX about their walk-up music. Or, in the case of Colby Rasmus, about getting comfortable at the plate with thoughts of big trucks, big bucks, and spittin’ tobacca.
Sometimes you eat the Delabar, sometimes the Delabar eats you. It was the latter in late July, as Steve Delabar gave us a whole lot more excitement that Alex Anthopoulos did at the trade deadline, throwing an immaculate inning against the Oakland A’s. Scott Johnson posted a GIF of all nine of the pitches it took for him to mow through three A’s hitters.
Post-Season (Because, Let’s Face It, The Season Was Pretty Much Done By August Anyway)
Longtime readers will remember that we always kept tabs on Marty York, and this year he resurfaced in these pages, among other things “reporting” that Alex Anthopoulos would be fired at season’s end. How’s that working out?
A farm in Zephyr, Ontario, recreated the experience of the 2013 Blue Jays season with a claustrophobic, presumably inescapable hedge maze. Uncanny.
Parkes popped in to recount the amazing story of a Rogers Centre interloper and the hilarious empathy of the police who dealt with him.
Munenori Kawasaki and Mark DeRosa showed up on the MLB Network’s Intentional Talk, growing the legend of Kawasaki even farther.
In mid-September, as the season was winding down, we spotted some great old pictures of the models of other proposals for the stadium that became SkyDome. Check them out again, and keep reminding yourself it could have been a lot worse.
Not exactly zany, per se, but there was some tasty front office intrigue in September, as Bob Elliott posted a story in the Toronto Sun suggesting a battle for influence between Anthopoulos lieutenants Tony LaCava and Dana Brown. We got the excised sentence, which readers had originally spotted and noticed had been cut. Elliott later clarified that his source had recanted.
Jack Morris as Zack Morris. It happened.
And lastly, uh… Charlie Sheen? Jose Bautista? Cincinnati?
Main image still via @ItsDanielGeorge.