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Incredible stuff last night, as this guy, Quaid, had a strange obsession with Mars, despite his wife, Sharon Stone, trying to push him away from thinking about it — mostly out of jealousy of his recurring dream about another woman — and his coworker warning him not to follow-through on a whim to go to a memory implanting clinic called Recall. But he totally did it anyway and, of-fucking-course, had a schizoid embolism in the process! Or did he??? Quaid lost his shit during the procedure, but before the memory of his secret agent voyage to Mars was actually implanted — at least according to the sassy Recall doctor lady — and started yelling about his cover being blown, and “the agency,” and people chasing him, before escaping, nearly being killed, having to deal with reality, having a heart-to-heart with his phony wife, running from Michael Ironside, learning that he’s actually Hauser, fucking up a Johnny Cab, removing some huge-ass glowing homing-beacon implant from his nose, and then heading to Mars — for reals! — for “two weeks.” And then shit really got crazy!


Gibbers… start the reactor! (Feel free to get anyone who didn’t stop that damn kid from interfering with a ball Jose Bautista needed to catch in the top of the ninth thrown the fuck out of the stadium, too, while you’re at it.)


Image/chart via FanGraphs. Here’s how to read the chartThis and this explains the gray line.

Comments (72)

  1. am i dreaming?

  2. Drunk Jays Fan, indeed – most inspired post of 2014, thumbs up Stoeten

  3. I think that triple play could have used a mention. WTF was up with that?? Bet no one saw that S*** coming!!

  4. going to the game today…..draggin the ball and chain too.

  5. Cards pitcher Lynn on Jays hitting: ” It seemed like if it wasn’t in the strike zone, it wasn’t swung at. A very good approach by them.”

  6. It seems the Jays, under their new scouting director Brian Parker, played this draft a bit more straight up than the last few. They drafted a couple of college seniors in the last half of the first ten rounds, but not EVERYONE after round three like the past couple of years. I think they’ll be offering everyone in their top 5 rounds anyways, something pretty close to slot. Maybe the early round college kids (Hoffman and Pentecost) a bit under slot, and the high school kids a bit more. They just didn’t draft a bunch of guys that they’ll be able so sign for $5000 this year. It will be interesting to see how the negotiations with Scott Boras goes. Glad Hoffman is a protected pick……

    • Maybe their strategy was to draft players that could make more of an immediate impact at the majors, now that their team is finally coming together. Then again, it’s probably far too early to start viewing Beeston’s infamous ’3 playoff appearances in 5 years’ statement as prophetic

      • I think they just took a more blended approach between performance and upside than in previous years. AA talked a lot about “managing risk”, and I think they took guys that have higher floors than in the past few years. That said, even college “performers” are shardly a guarantee. Anyone wanting to pan the Jays for say, Deck McGuire a few years ago, only has to look at Mark Appel’s minor league numbers so far. I mean, at least McGuire didn’t start to have difficulty until he hit Double AA. Appel is struggling huge in Low A.

        • shardly isn’t a word. but maybe it should be.

          • Good comments, Pete. I like shardly. I make new words up at night, especially after a few barlies and the odd bottle of Melot

            • I’m thinking we may have been a bit premature on McGuire. He’s only had a few starts but he hasn’t been terrible…especially his Ks.

    • I don’t believe Hoffman is advised by Boras.

      • You might be right. I thought I read somewhere that he was, but I can’t seem to find that info anymore. So hopefully not!

      • He is, but even with Boras he still doesn’t have much leverage with the injury.

        • Boras doesn’t need leverage. He makes his players sit out whole years to get what he wants. Go throw in the independent league. He’s an asshole basically.

  7. win the series today, sweep em tomorrow boys.

    for those going down this weekend keep in mind subway is closed south of bloor for signal work, give yourselves some extra time.

    • Honestly, why the fuck don’t they do this shit when the Jays are on the road, like next weekend. So fucking dumb.

      • I think it’s possible the TTC does run its schedule according to the Jays’ home schedule cause there’s like a million other factors that go into maintenance scheduling (World Pride, anyone?), but maybe that’s just me.

  8. Half-Ass? I’d call it No-Ass. Or maybe just pure Ass.

  9. I haven’t sat near the field recently at a baseball game, but everyone used to yell “get out of the way” when your team was near the railing trying to make a catch.
    When the other team was, everyone cursed at the player, talked about his mom, whatever it took to distract him.

    Now, its all about getting the 5 dollar ball…..Sad…

  10. Is this real life?

  11. Hopefully there strategy was drafting the best picks available.

    • I think it was. I just think they changed their criteria a little bit of what that meant for them. They drafted more like the Cardinals do.

  12. Am I stoned??? Sure seems like it…

  13. The fact that the Jays stranded about 40 baserunners and still won this beach speaks volumes – and Stroman was fuckin nails again man what a nice surprise!

  14. So far, not trading Hutch and Stroman for Jeff Samdajajojsdifjdifjiodjf or whatever seems like an alright call.

    • If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

    • yep. Would not trade the guys for Jeff. Perhaps Sanchez+ prospect (Smoral?). In any event, , some other team will likely overpay for just 1.5 years of him.
      Realistically, I don’t think they’ll get a true stud, as Shields will cost a lot too, for just.5 year. I think it’s more likely they might free up someone like Ian Kennedy of SD.
      AS an aside, Stoeten shit all over me lastwinter for advocacting we go after Phil Hughes
      because he had upside and was cheap after a bad year as a NYY. I thought it was worth a shot. Hughes now Minny’s Ace, ERA 3+ and one of the lowest BB/inn pitched in MLB.
      All this for less than RR per year. Hope we can find someone else

      • How fucking hard is it to be an ace in that shithouse division, ya fuckin goof? Now fuck off.

      • Hughes is also an extreme fly ball pitcher who’s benefited from a ridiculously low (6.8%, nearly half his career #) hr/fb rate; good change he’d get slaughtered in the dome

    • Not sure if anyone else saw this from Callis, but

      Jim Callis @jimcallisMLB · 17h

      “Without exhaustive analysis, I like @BlueJays Day 3 picks the best. Latz, Houck, Heidt, Papierski. If they sign the 3 Ill. HS kids, nice”.

      latz =11th rd
      houck=12th rd
      Heidt= 13th rd
      Papierski= 16th rd

  15. This is the kind of brilliant and insightful analysis that keeps me coming back to DJF!

  16. Stroman seemed to get better as the game went on. I think Gibby’s stretching him out slowly, and we should see him get further into games in time.

  17. Stoeten needs to hire an intern. With the Jays playing so well, they can’t produce enough content to keep me happy.

  18. Good win.

    This is a statement series. The Jays must win 4 out of 3 games for them to be serious contenders. That’s right, a sweep won’t be enough. I want the laws of the universe broken.

  19. Only one off day in the next month, why not bring up Hendricks for a spot start in a week or two, give the regulars another day off…. Also who gets sent down when Santos comes back? Jenkins again?

    • If everything is going well, there’s really no reason to give Hendricks a start. Having said that, how often do team go 5 or 6 times through the rotation without at least a minor injury or a guy needing an extra day or two?

      I’d rather not see Hendricks too soon. He’s needed every inch of the stadium to avoid being destroyed in his previous starts.

      It’ll almost certainly be Jenkins. He’s looked better recently, but there’s no space for him, yet.

      • I think it’s time to reconsider Redmond’s role with the Toronto Blue Jays. 5.1 innings since May 10th, 0-4 record, 1.55 WHIP, why keep a mop up guy if there’s nothing to mop up?

        • I hate to say it, but eventually you’re going to need to mop something up, and the last thing you want to be doing is using 4 or 5 guys to cover 5 or 6 innings, especially in a losing effort.

  20. *Melina grabs Quaid’s cock*
    Melina: “What you been feeding this thing?”
    Quaid: “Blondes.”

  21. Johnny Cueto throws baseballs hard. Johnny Cueto is Dominican. Johnny Cueto BELONGS on this 2014 Toronto Bluejays team. Also, the Reds are garbage. Johnny Cueto.

  22. It’s fun being a fan of a winning team. I find myself waking up and only wanting the day to pass by to watch the next game.

  23. I finally broke down and got a Flex Pack. Happy Father’s Day from the best wife!


  24. Honestly, as of right now, I think they’re better off not adding a proven starter. Hope Morrow comes back healthy and somehow manages to be dominant again. There’s a lot of back end depth at the moment, and I can’t see them giving up the assets to get somebody who is ACTUALLY an upgrade. (They aren’t getting Shields,or Cueto or Samardiaijdijfijsifjisjdf). I mean, Jason Hammels? Pass.

  25. I was thinking about what Tabby’s been saying…and it was borne out last night again.
    I haven’t seen too many Jays have AWFUL at-bats during this stretch. I haven’t seen horrible swings at garbage pitches on a consistent basis. They’re swinging at hittable pitches and making the pitcher work like a dog. There’s been a few games where the pitcher’s been up to 80 pitches by the fourth inning – and once you get into the bullpen for a game or two, there’s not much left.
    Seitzer’s had the boys listening, apparently.


    Watch the video titled: “Stroman’s seven strikeouts” and watch his reaction to the strikeout to end the 6th (at 1:04 or so).


  27. Don’t get it together, Shelby!

  28. This Shelby Miller is growing tiresome.

  29. Also from Callis

    “Jim Callis @jimcallisMLB · 17h

    Favorite 16th-rd @MLBDraft pick: TOR gets Ill. HS C Mike Papierski, has chance to be good all-around C. LSU recruit.”

    Not to mention the one I mentioned above that some how when in another chain.

  30. Derp

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