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My view of home opener from my home

Oh man, the only thing that could’ve made last night’s home opener more painful would’ve been actually being there. Heyo! Seriously though, for those who went, hope it was a good one. For me, home opener has become just as much a tradition to bunker up and watch the game at home. Basically, the Blue Jays’ home opener is the St. Patrick’s Day of baseball: the only other day of the year where a venue you normally love and can consume alcohol becomes unappealing.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the sting was felt regardless of where you were last night. What is starting to worry me a bit about all the praise for our unexpectedly not-so-shitty starting rotation eating up all these innings is that that’s exactly what’s going to continue regardless of whether it’s a good idea or not. I’m not saying Tallet shit the bed last night but why is he out there in the sixth? He wasn’t exactly dominating out there. And considering we have such a well-rested bullpen (including two pitchers who haven’t even fucking pitched yet), you have the arms. Maybe best to bring them in in that kind of situation for their first appearance rather than, say, extra innings that we had no real reason to be in. Because, let’s face it, even though you might call in intangible, we just don’t win in extra innings.

Whatever, while I don’t want to shit on Tallet, I would like to take a steaming dump on Jason Frasor. I know it’s still early and everything, but that’s two blown saves in five attempts, eight hits in just over four innings of work and failure to get the first batter out in all attempts. Not exactly a lights-fucking-out closer. Maybe he’s still finding his lights-outedness but I’d like to resort to my favourite objective observation and note that it just seems to me it looks like he’s totally shitting himself out there every time.

Anyways, I know it’s idiotic to live and die with each game of a team that is just supposed to be dying, but I can’t help it. A 5-2 start to the season is kinda exciting. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m prone to it making me totally delirious and irrational about this team’s chances. But it’s not delirious and irrational to say that the two games we’ve lost so far this year weren’t winnable. I know, you win some, you lose some but one-run loses are just the fucking worst. You’re just stuck with “what ifs” in your head that escalate throughout the season into full-blown psychosis. It’s not like I’d be getting all pissed about how we should’ve bounced back in a situation where we’re down seven runs. I mean, that would just be crazy. … Actually, I probably still would do that. Whatever … 160-2 record still in effect!

For every cloud: As if I was even watching that home opener anyway

Mutherfucking Josh Towers won the home opener for the Albuquerque Isotopes. Um, 14-8. But don’t let that score deceive you, dude only allowed two earned runs in six innings of work. Of course,those came right off the bat in the first inning. Those first inning implosions always make me a bit nostalgic.

Hayhurst still awesome, again

As Stoeten pointed out, Dirk Hayhurst is a slightly well-spoken dude. If you didn’t get a chance to go to the book signing yesterday either, CBC’s Metro Morning had him on the air today and I was pretty much as blown away as any ball fan would be by a baseball player stringing together sentences with words over three syllables and without expressions like “grind it out” and “100%.” He went into detail about the philosophy about pitching and how the greatest enemy isn’t necessarily the “man with the stick,” but you. Think about it. He might very well have actually given the only reasonable definition for “Stay within yourself.” Can’t wait to see this guy take the mound. Pretty sure the interview should be up here pretty soon. You know, once the CBC has this go through five members of staff and all kinds of red tape for an interview that happened over two hours ago to be put online. Your tax dollars at work!

Super Vern

Speaking of awesome and being delirious and irrational, Vernon Wells has been … well, I just don’t want to jinx anything. I’ll just once again resort to the most unbiased form on opinion possible and say that he seems to be fucking nailing it. In all seriousness though, he does look pretty fucking comfortable out there, no? But it’s funny, in talking about this with friends, I’ve noticed excitement building to the level where you almost blurt out: “He’s finally playing like his contra …” And then you stop. It’s clear and unfair to suggest that Wells is ever going to fulfill those kind of expectations. But perhaps, on top of having a great season he might tack these on for a chance at coming close:

1) Find a cure for cancer.

2) Come over to my place for a BBQ and beers sometime.

3) Become a vigilante by night and clean up the scum in this godforsaken city.

Sorry for caring

As I’ve already said, it’s way too early in the season to be getting tits in a bind. If you need to be brought back to planet Earth and realize the reality of what this season is, may I suggest Jeff Blair’s recent post. Jeez, and I thought I was crotchety. I need a morning Caesar.

Thanks for not caring

Oh yeah, as noted in the comments last night as well, what the fuck was Rogers Sportsnet doing interviewing three members of Canada’s Women’s Hockey Team at a point where the game is tied 6-6? Haven’t we all patted ourselves on the back over the Olympics enough at this point? Bad enough we had to listen to them talk, they actually had the camera on those horse faces more than what was going on on the field. Don’t mean to exaggerate here but you take away the audio and visual of a game and it makes it a bit more difficult to follow. As ball fans, sometimes you just wish they would pull that kind of shit during a hockey game so that can see what it’s like. Can you imagine?

“Well, we’re in overtime for the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Hockey here but I think some of the Blue Jays are reporting for Spring Training so let’s check in with Sam Consentino.”

“We’re with Vernon Wells here and … oh, looks like Sidney Crosby just put a puck into a net and that sure is nice for Canada. … So Vernon, what do the Jays need to do this year to be successful?”

Game on

If you’re like me, it only took about five minutes into last night’s official 2010 season opener before I’d used just about every bad word in the book to describe my feeling for the Red Sox, their fans and the city of Boston. It was the kind of drunken rant that’s only made more acute rather than impaired by alcohol. The season has truly started.

If you’re at work it’s still not too late to pretend to go to your boss and tell him you’ve got the runs and join us at Opera Bob’s to watch Shaun Marcum and your Toronto Blue Jays beatthe living fuck out of Scott Feldman and the Texas Rangers, and indulge in some beverages, fried bologna sandwiches and some boner jokes.

Game starts at 2 p.m. We plan to be there at 12:30 p.m. (um, if Opera Bob’s is even open that early). Not sure if we’ll be live blogging this bitch or if Parkes will or if we’ll just pass out by the second inning. Go Jays.

*** Special Josh Towers update! ***

It’s been a long time since we checked in with everyone’s favourite ex-Jay and that’s probably because no one but me gives a fuck. But it wouldn’t be a start of the season post by me if it didn’t have to do with something completely irrelevant.

- Towers on what it’s like to get a World Series ring that he had nothing to do with.

- Mop Up Duty has some downright frightening evidence over Towers’ dark years.

- And finally, in trying to make the fifth spot in the LA Dodgers’ rotation, Towers had just a slightly less than impressive last start in Spring Training. Nine runs in 10 innings. That hurts. But considering his acting career has been picking up as of late in the world of musical theatre, who needs to be on a baseball team’s roster anyway?

Dudes, it’s been a long cold lonely winter. Well actually, the winter was pretty short and mild. But god, was it ever lonely. So, so lonely. … And any time without baseball is too much time if you ask me. Although I certainly needed the off season to get over the shitstorm that was the Jays’ 2009. I was too depressed to even watch movies related to baseball this winter. But in following the nails coverage by Parkes of each Spring Training game, I have to admit that I’m kinda getting a little stiffy with only four days to go until the Jays’ official season gets underway.

The start of the season is a beautiful thing. It’s when I’m at my delusional best. Who cares if every expert out there predicts us to be battling for fourth place with the Orioles? Fuck ‘em! I say, we’re taking the whole fucking thing this year! Why not, we haven’t even played yet. Think positive. This team could defy all logic and surprise everybody. Plus, in the beginning, even when you’re last place it’s only by a game or two, still plenty of time to catch up. Don’t sweat it. Of course, that gap then tends to widen to ridiculous proportions and you start to realize that you’re wasting up to three hours every day losing your mind over a team that’s a total lost cause but you do it anyway cause your life is so devoid of meaning that you stop bothering to take care of yourself properly and bunker up in a corner in your own excrement and … but that hasn’t happened yet! Rejoice Jays fans! A new season is upon us!

To help turn that little stiffy into a full-blown boner, the fine folks at Opera Bob’s are hosting a season opener to remember this Easter Monday (not quite sure that that’s the way they wanted me to advertise it). But they will be playing the game with sound, offering a fine selection of brews and generously providing enough fried bologna sandwiches to feed a bunch of hungry Jays fans (or a moderately hungry Jesse Litsch. Heyo!).

Stoeten and I will be there with a plan to live blog this bitch so you can come witness the magic in person and correct our grammatical errors. Please join us and help ring in the new season with a few afternoon beers and getting way too worked up over the first of 181 161 games to follow (once again, at my delusional best. Thanks Anonymous).

Opera Bob’s Public House: 1112 Dundas St. West (just east of Ossington)
Game starts: 2:05 p.m.
Drinking starts: the earlier the better

Book the day off now if you have to work that day. If that fails, call in that morning and tell them you have raging diarrhea. Seriously, it works. No one’s going to question you on that one. Sure, you’ll be known as the guy in the office with raging diarrhea but at least you got to see the season opener. And I’m pretty sure my boss can see me double checking the spelling on diarrhea right now.

Happy long weekend, people. We’ll see you on Monday. Go Jays.

Checkin’ in with Josh

Speaking of minor transactions, everyone’s favourite ex-Jay has managed to find himself a gig for next season. With the Los Angeles fucking Dodgers! … Their farm team.

Dude signed a minor league contract with LA on Friday and I was too hungover to look at the internet all weekend to find that out until now.

And while of course no one really gives a shit, the post by those fine folks at True Blue LA garnered over 200 comments. There’s something kinda amusing about fans of a team who have never had Towers on their roster talking about him. And while I think 90% of those comments just go to talking about trying to get Halladay from the Jays, there’s something charmingly innocent and naive to their polite assessment of how Towers might not be such a significant addition to the club rather than: “Holy fuck, this guy is fucking terrible!”

But Towers is coming off a pretty nails season, um, as far as seasons go in AAA. Dude ended it with 28 scoreless innings or something and won the players of the week. Twice! And as far as I know, dude actually got a World Series ring for his efforts last year. So you know, he must be amazing.

Give ‘em hell next year, Joshie. And if they call you up, I hope it’s for longer than a day this time.


Congratulations New York Yankees on your 2009 World Series championship.

It’s nice to know that despite the global economic crisis and the atrocity of having to endure nine years while teams with a lower payroll beat you to the prize, good ol’ fashioned having a shitload more money than anyone else still stands for something in this world. It warms the heart.

Not bitter at all here. You just had me rooting for the Phillies is all. The fucking Phillies.

I need a drink.

It’s nice

As Jays fans, granted, we have pathetically little to cheer for these days. Fuck, I’m fucking rooting for the fucking Phillies. Does it get any worse? Still, the baseball gods have been pretty kind to us in the post-season, first with the infamous Papelbon clusterfuck and then Burnett’s gem of a two-innings-plus implosion tonight. You know, you can’t shit on the dude too much. He has been pretty fucking nails in the playoffs. But still, it would’ve hurt too much for us if he didn’t muff it at least once right? Sure, Girardi, take faith in the fact that Burnett’s proven in the past he can pitch on short rest. He’s also proven he can totally shit the bed. Gloriously. Right on. And yeah AJ, way to stare down the home plate umpire after your shitty outing. Sure, it was a picky strike zone but at least it was pretty consistent. Still, totally his fault. I’m with you on that. Thanks for the memories AJ.

And fuck, Phillies, what’s with your fucking bullpen? Jesus! Are they going to have to send Lee out there for the next two games to pitch fucking complete nine innings in order to have a chance at winning this fucking thing?

Fun Without Paint

I know this was back in July and probably already brought up in the comments but with all the fun we’ve been having poking shit at Papelbon, I didn’t think others on our shitlist should be excluded.

Either the New York Daily News editor has a really good sense of humour or completely failed to see how a headline on the state of the city’s hospitals might get mixed up and perceived as a (granted, accurate) commentary on the union of A-Rod and Kate Hudson.