Scott Lewis

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San Francisco Giants v Toronto Blue Jays

Well, if we remove the damage inflicted upon Sean Nolin in his MLB debut, then last night doesn’t look so bad. There were some positives, y’know, like Brett Lawrie hitting a home run, and pretty much everyone not named DeRosa or Arencibia collecting a hit.

Then there was Lawrie getting #umpshow’d following a gentle (by his own acrimonious standards) discarding of his batting gear. Crew chief Wally Bell told reporters that Lawrie was ejected for violating “baseball etiquette”.

A 10-6 loss to the Orioles, compounded by Lawrie and John Gibbons getting tossed – and Sean Nolin’s 1.1 inning premature shitstorm of a debut – made for a frustrating night of Blue Jays baseball… But hey, R.A. Dickey takes the ball today and he’s had three nice starts in a row, so let’s pick ourselves up from last night and hope the bats come out for a feast of Freddy Garcia.

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Boston Red Sox v New York Yankees

UPDATE: POSTPONED

There will be a battle of initials and aces this afternoon, weather permitting. The Blue Jays will send R.A. Dickey to the mound while the Yankees counter with C.C. Sabathia. Rain falls in NYC, so we may have to wait for baseball today.

This can’t get any worse, right?

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Toronto Blue Jays v Detroit Tigers

Big Hirok happens. Dreams of climbing to four games below .500 fell by the wayside on account of the Blue Jays getting owned by Hiroki Kuroda last night, which isn’t all that surprising seeing how Big Hirok pretty much owns everyone. Thus, here we are putting our faith in the rested back of Brandon Morrow as he’s set to face David Phelps and the Yankees in game No. 2.

I gotta say, Mark Buehrle wasn’t entirely shitty last night. I mean, we could be looking at a 4-0 loss as opposed to a 5-0 loss had Melky Cabrera not resembled a drunk bison roaming around the outfield while Brett Gardner stretched a maybe-double into a triple. Anyway, that’s enough about last night.

Morrow is coming off some extra rest due to a nagging back injury, but his last start was rather promising considering he made into this thing they call the eighth inning. Rarely charted territory for the 2013 Blue Jays starting staff.

The shitbags counter with Phelps. The right-hander has made three consecutive starts after beginning the season as a reliever. He’s nothing to scoff at, but he ain’t Hiroki fucking Kuroda either. How ’bout some bats today, ok?

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Here’s something that ought to fire up the free Anthony Gose set. Fair enough, as it’s rather fucking awesome. Gose stole home for his fourth steal of the season in the first inning of the Bisons’ game versus Norfolk on Tuesday.

Gose pulls this off while none other than the 2012 Baltimore Orioles Opening Day starter, Jake Arrieta, is on the mound. The speedy outfielder has been caught stealing in four out of eight attempts in Triple-A thus far in 2013. Not that swiping home makes his .250/.352/.352 triple slash line any more palatable, but y’know, it’s still totally fucking NAILS.

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Pardon me, but Don Kelly has no business making this catch. A double from Prince Fielder and a home run off the bat of Alex Avila have the Tigers up 2-0 early in the second, so yeah, maybe one of those afternoons. Stay tuned.

Cleveland Indians v Toronto Blue Jays

Anyone who tells you that six games is nothing to worry about is clearly one of those “sample size” types. Here’s what you need to know about sample size: it’s for nerds, basement dwellers, and chronic mastburbators. The Blue Jays are 2-4 following two disappointing series versus the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox. Reams of historical data indicate that very few baseball teams have ever recovered from such a horrible start to make the playoffs. As any real fan would tell you, the 2013 Blue Jays are finished, man.

In an effort to save the city’s greatest baseball minds some time, I have taken it upon myself to craft their headlines for the the club’s next 10 series. All that’s left to fill in are the intricate one-sentence paragraphs.

As I stare down the next six weeks or so of Blue Jays baseball I see a winless Mark Buehrle, the return of Vernon Wells, heavy verbiage with minimal substance, beat writers lobbying for retired knuckleball catchers, pointless PED bemoaning, trolling, questions about chemistry, likening the Blue Jays’ selection of Ricky Romero at 6th overall to the Maple Leafs taking Rob Pearson 12th, and so much more.

Here are your Toronto Blue Jays headlines through early May:

Maybe Buehrle should bring a pitbull (mentality) to the mound – by Damien Cox

Vernon Wells takes booing in stride – by Bob Elliott

R.A. Dickey, the weight of expectations, and pursuit in the face of defeat – by Bruce Arthur

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AA has gone full bad boy. He pissed off everyone in baseball by stealing the Marlins soul – and without pausing for so much as a minute to give a shit – he’s done it again by reportedly reaching an agreement with Melky Cabrera. Two-years and $16 million is what we’re hearing.

Presumably, the conversation went something like this:

AA: We’re interested in bringing you to Toronto to play for the Blue Jays.

Melky: I have some interest from several teams.

AA: What are they offering?

Melky: One-year incentive-laden deals.

AA: We’ll give you two years, guaranteed.

Melky: Amo Toronto y todos los fanáticos del béisbol canadienses.

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