It was around this time last year that we first revisited that magical period in the late eighties when a New Coked up Max Headroom invented the internet with a Commodore Amiga.
Since then, things have spiraled downward to the point where more than a dozen Blue Jays blogs can be found polluting the blogosphere with an unconscionable amount of homerism being spewed out on an unsuspecting public at any given second.
They vary from the unapologetically boring to balls out wrong, but Jays blogs are all stunningly beautiful in their own way. Let’s kick things off with a quick trip through the mainstream media’s attempt at blogging and come right back around to the kids in their parents’ basement because that joke never gets tiresome, right Doug McLean?
We like Mike Wilner. Get over it.
We get a lot of shit from the comments section throughout the season because of our apparent proclivity for wrapping our lips firmly around Wilner’s cock while he writhes vigorously. Very funny, homophobes.
The thing is that no one covering the Jays is as rational and thoughtful when it comes to analysis of the team. While Wilner’s blog isn’t the prettiest to look at, the addition of post game Jays Talk episodes during the season and his willingness to respond to “rational and reasonable” comments and questions make Miked Up a before-you-put-in-your-contacts-in-the-morning read.
Globe On Baseball
Now that Jeff Blair is a big shot general sports columnist challenging Stephen Brunt for column inches at the front of the Globe’s miniscule sports section (quality over quantity), he’s likely to have abandoned the baseball blog that amused us so much over the last couple seasons.
Snappy The Turtle’s withdrawal from the platform for his hilarious bitterness leaves us with former Raptor beat reporter Robert MacLeod. I’ve got nothing bad to say about Bobby Mac’s efforts when it comes to his Jays reporting, but he’s never struck me as a baseball guy, at least not in the same way that Blair, Bob Elliot or even Richard Griffin do.
Minor mistakes in his stories regarding contracts and Minor League versus Major League statistics seem to back this feeling up, but I’ll be nice and chalk it up to him just finding his baseball legs. We’ll look for some more personality and overall improvement from the new #1 Jays guy at The Globe this season. Until then, the jury is still out.
Major League Bastian
Jordan Bastian must go through more money on laptops in a season than Derek Jeter spends on contraceptives. The MLB.com reporter hits the keyboard hard, filing a staggering number of stories on the Blue Jays official site while still finding the time to fill readers in on everything that doesn’t make his numerous columns.
Best of all, every Spring Training, Bastian brings along his P&S camera to bring us even closer to all the camaraderie of the preseason.
As an employee of MLB.com, I’m sure it’s a tedious tight-rope act balancing potentially controversial stories and pleasing your masters by proving the best light possible for the League, but Bastian walks the line with aplomb, never shying away from the tough topics.
Dear Richard Griffin,
I love your work big guy, but I was wondering why you call your weekly mailbag Q&As a blog? I really enjoyed the informal pieces you wrote documenting your experience in Vegas during the Winter Meetings. You actually reminded us all of why you cover baseball in the first place. But answering your sycophantic fans with JP Haterade every week gets a little tiresome after a while.
Dustin, DJF Nation
I’m an incompetent buffoon who likes valuing pitchers for their wins and valuing batters for how they got on base or how they moved a runner along. I also used to work for the Expos, and should be a Major League GM.
J.P. Ricciardi is the worst thing to happen to baseball
This does indeed exist. I mean, the National Post. I’ve visited the site and I’m still not sure if they actually have a blog.
I’m not sure how Rogers Sportsnet differentiates between a blog and a column, but Jamie Campbell is a blogger and Scott Carson is a columnist. I think they’re both boring pieces of shit.
As the season begins, Sportsnet will probably find a member of the team to write irregularly about being in the Major Leagues. It will be heavily promoted through Google Ads, and it will be riddled with boring clichés.
I once stayed up all the way past midnight. It was almost as wild as the time I put both mayonnaise and mustard on a cold meat sandwich. I didn’t even wash the knife off, either. Vanilla is a spice too, you know.
This shit jumped the shark sometime around July of last year, but at least the comment sections are always top notch.
Imagine if you will, a wildly amusing blog. Then imagine that favourite DJF commenter, The Ack, starts writing weekend posts for it. Then imagine that you finally get over The Tao’s use of the first person plural.
Then imagine that you don’t have to imagine that any more because it’s actually happening and your dick is so hard that it’s fucking breathing fire. Literally. A stream of fire is coming out of your dick like it’s some sort of dragon.
Chicks dig that shit, and I dig The Tao of Stieb.
There’s a whole community of Jays fans out there that DJF doesn’t really serve. I’m glad they have a place to go to get information on players in the low minors and play little games with the names of former Major Leaguers.
I’m glad because anytime I start to feel like a nerd looking up splits for Matt Holliday, I can visit their site and rest assured that no matter how low I sink, I’ll still be better off than them.
It’s easy to dismiss The Mockingbird as nothing more than the site that posts those amazing Pitch FX graphs. It’s also pretty easy to shove your head way up your fucking ass, apparently.
Jon Hale consistently offers creative, yet critical thinking through his analysis on the Blue Jays. In those instances where the Blue Jays make a roster move and you and I would go, “That was fucking useless” and let our analysis rest with that, Hale will scour the stats and actually use his mind to tell us why it was fucking useless.
The perfect example of this is the recent signing of the arbitration eligible Jose Bautista. While $2.4 million seems like a lot to spend on a lefty-mashing backup, Hale examines why it’s too much to spend and actually comes up with an alternative that would’ve saved the Jays a couple million dollars.
My only complaint about The Mockingbird is that Hale’s updates are sparse in the offseason. I mean c’mon Hale, Freddy Mercury had AIDS and he carried on.
I tend to think of The Southpaw as the police of the Jays blogging universe. Or maybe just a much more tolerable version of Batter’s Box.
You want to make an unsubstantiated remark about the usefulness of Jason “I Need A Rest” Frasor? They’ll be on your case faster than a bullet at the Osgoode subway station with more situational statistics than you can shake a stick at.
Aside from keeping us all honest, the Southpaw does an excellent job of giving us impassioned analysis with only the briefest wafts of homerism.
If I was looking for something to complain about, which I am, I’d mention the stringent verbosity that sometimes plagues their posts. Anyone interested in reading a post about the implications of a bad economy on a team’s payroll is likely smart enough to understand a supporting argument without reading it four times with different words.
My favourite Rocco Baldelli cock suckers on the entire internet, Ghostrunner On First is as funny as DJF used to be, but with far less swears and self-importance. Even though The Score pays us to be friends, I still think these guys are great.
Visiting this site is like going inside a vagina, but without the fun.
I kid. I kid. Joanna is good people.
And it’s adorable that a girl has a blog about baseball in the same way it’s cute when a little kid does a finger painting of a giraffe that looks nothing like a mammal that’s ever walked the earth. It’s like that because women and children are both idiots.
Ian Hunter is a regular commenter on our site, and has been a DJF supporter pretty fucking close to the beginning, so obviously he has great taste and he seems like a nice enough guy. I don’t mean to be a dick to him, but I find his blog a bit gimmicky.
Sometimes gimmicks are awesome and sometimes they suck. Awesome is coming up with failed Jays promotional ideas. Sucking is comparing Jays management to Teddy Ruxpin characters. But whatever. It’s pretty hard to say too much bad about a site that has a clock counting down to the Jays opening day.
I used to really hate this site. Then they got a new writer or they got one of their writers to write more often, and now I just don’t care. So, they’re improving, I guess.
It’s more of a personal thing, but I honestly don’t care about the fifty all-time greatest Jays or playing Guess Who style trivia games on a blog. If that’s your idea of a good time, there’s probably not a better Jays site out there for that stuff.
I’ll give them an emphatic meh.
I’ll just give them a meh. And that’s all that six posts since October will get you, lazy asshole. I apologize if you’re merely a Mexican.
Hey, look at that. I totally ripped off that picture of Fred McGriff talking softly and carrying his big stick from this blog. This site is pretty good if you’re illiterate, a caveman or suffer from severe mental disabilities.
Speaking of malfunctioning mental capacities, we enjoy giving Spencer Kyte from Bugs & Cranks a hard time, but I will say this about our friend from London, Ontario: without question he’s a fucking twat.
That reminds me. When I was like six years old in September of 1986, I remember watching a game on television against the Yankees in which Tom Henke gave up a million runs and the Jays ended up losing a game they should’ve won. My dad went ape goof, swearing at the television, and screaming “Henke, you cunt!” repeatedly.
Finally, my mother interrupted him and said, “Denis! Don’t you dare say that word again in front of my son.”
Denis, still seething in anger turned to my mother in disgust, “Jennipher (that’s how my mother spells her name), isn’t that just like you, always defending Tom Henke.”
The marriage didn’t last very much longer after that.
I have the strangest feeling that Drunk Jays Fans links are about to disappear off of a lot of blog rolls over the next few days.