Archive for the ‘And Thus Concluded The Internet’ Category

San Francisco 49ersThe National Enquirer published a report on Monday that would normally inspire no small amount of contempt for its promotion of heteronormative thinking through an attempt to define O.J. Simpson’s suddenly questionable sexual orientation, except that, well, this:

Perhaps the biggest tip-off that O.J. may now be playing for the other side is his choice of prison companions, according to the source. He says the former la­dies’ man hangs out with a group of open­ly homosexual men known as “The Girls.”

“WHENEVER HE’S LET out into the prison yard, he stays with them,” revealed the insider. “He says, ‘The Girls treat me like I was a king!’

“He claims they flirt with him and even give him massages. Some even call him ‘DJ’ – short for ‘Daddy Juice.’ ”

Daddy Juice!

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I am six feet and four inches tall, with a non-existant center of gravity. This renders me incapable of doing anything related to skateboarding other than admire the accomplishments of others. In the above video, we see Decio Lourenco, 24, of Cape Town, South Africa, reaching speeds in excess of 60 kilometers per hour, travelling down Kloof Nek Road on his longboard.

How do we know that he reaches such high speeds? Because at around the 1:06 mark of the video, Lourenco sets off a camera designed to collect evidence for inflicting fines on speeding motorists and discourage those who might exceed the limits in place. A second after the device detects his velocity, we see him raise his arms in jubilation. However, the thrill of excessive velocity was short-lived, as the city’s safety and security department announced their plan to prosecute the graphic design student for reckless and negligent road behaviour.

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Tired of the same old cleavage shots? Need something new to get you all pumped up about breasts again? Boob fans everywhere need not fear, underboobs are here!

… and so begins the most objectifying piece of filth in the long, sad history of Bleacher Report’s misogynistic slide shows.

The content is awful,  but the inherent message behind the opening paragraphs of this collection of  exploitative photographs is accurate. The more we immerse ourselves in something, the more likely we are to be desensitized to it, thus enhancing our desire for more extreme stimuli. In psychology, this is referred to as inurement.

In sports, we find evidence of the phenomenon, not in ogling the female ventral regions that house mammary glands, but in how we define an amazing play. This definition is incredibly subjective, and largely based on the number of exceptional moments in sports that an individual has witnessed.

To someone watching American football for the first time, a routine tackle or catch can seem marvelous. However, to a spectator who sees multiple basketball games a day, only the most stupendous of Blake Griffin dunks (probably from his rookie year) are likely to cause arousal. To me – someone who watches a lot of baseball games, but few cricket matches – the stunning boundary catch made by West Indies all-rounder Kieron Pollard in the video above is incredibly impressive.

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No one in the NBA – with at least 50 free throws this season – has a worse free throw percentage than Andre Drummond, a center for the Detroit Pistons. Of the 115 times he’s gone to the line during the 2012/2013 season, he’s managed to score only 42 baskets.

Drummond is six feet and ten inches tall, shooting at a hoop ten feet in the air and fifteen feet from him. The toddler equivalent to this would be the little guy in the video above shooting at a hoop three feet in the air that’s less than five feet away. So, with time expired, and your team down by a point, with two free throws having been magically awarded, would you rather let the game ride on the Pistons center or a small child shooting  on a proportionally suitable hoop from an adjusted distance?

I’d say let it ride on cutey patutey.

H/T: The Big Lead.

There is something about failure that deserves to be celebrated. While our initial urge may be to mock those whose plans don’t come to fruition, a miscarriage of intent is hardly justification for the pointing of fingers and laughter that it too often inspires. Failure frequently represents a newly attempted process that doesn’t reach a desired outcome. Any measure of shame that might be felt because of disappointing results should be entirely wiped out by the courage displayed in venturing to accomplish something in a manner that hasn’t previously been tried.

Unfortunately, high school football phenomenon Reuben Foster committing to Alabama after previously committing to Auburn and getting a massive tattoo on the underside of his forearm to celebrate that commitment is nothing like what is being described in that first paragraph. It’s a failure of the most mockable variety.

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English rock band Radiohead released “Creep” as their debut single in 1992, and it later appeared on their first album, Pablo Honey, in 1993. Much like Lance Armstrong’s early cycling career, “Creep” wasn’t an immediate success. However, after its re-release in 1993, the song became a hit, similar to Armstrong’s accomplishments following his return to cycling after beating cancer.

The lyrics to the song represent an inebriated man who tries to get the attention of a woman to whom he is attracted by following her around. Unfortunately, he lacks the self-confidence necessary to actually speak to her face-to-face. It’s about the duality of the modern heterosexual man who feels an urge to assert himself sexually, but recognizes that doing so is fraught with insensitivities and misogynist tendencies.

In the case of Armstrong, the woman in the song is similar to his desire to win. Unable to attain such a result naturally, he cheats instead of creeps. Interestingly enough, cheating isn’t something all together unfamiliar to Radiohead either. Due to similarities between “Creep” and “The Air That I Breathe,” a song recorded by The Hollies in 1973, Radiohead was successfully sued for plagiarism by Albert Hammond and Mike Hazlewood, who are now listed as the song’s co-writers.

After acting in a vehemently litigious manner for several years against anyone who accused the cycling star of cheating, it’s expected that Armstrong will face a litany of lawsuits following his confession from those whose credibility he previously trampled.

Video created by Matthijs Vlot.