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Canada’s women completed a stunning comeback to shock the United States in overtime on Thursday. Women’s ice hockey gold is Canada’s for the fourth time.

The States won’t have to wait long for revenge. The men take center stage on Friday, with a berth in the hockey final on the line.

Canada and the United States have a long history that has intertwined with the sporting world on numerous occasions.

Their ‘off the field’ relations have been mixed. For the most part, the two nations behave cordially. Trade deals, common enemies and shared border interests mean there isn’t much time for histrionics.

There have been moments of intrigue, however. Moments when long-term friends have major disagreements. Here are the top 5 ‘what’s beef’ Canada-U.S feuds.

5) America pretends it doesn’t like Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber has staked his claim as 2014′s greatest monster. His gratuitous pop songs chock full of words like ‘baby’, ‘ohh’ and ‘swag’ are a scourge on our society. His disregard for the law has the endangered the lives of himself and more importantly, others.

But don’t get it twisted. Bieber isn’t famous without you, America. He isn’t the most powerful voice in popular music without legions of Beliebers in middle America forcing their parents to buy Justin Bieber lampshades and other assorted paraphernalia.

Though Canada may have raised him, America fed him the souls of innocent youths. The blood is on their hands. Nickelback as well. That’s on you, America. You happily accepted Pam Anderson, Neil Young and Seth Rogen, but suddenly you’re too good for Bieber and Kroeger? It doesn’t work that way.

4)  Canadians pretend they are better than Americans

You hear it quite often. “Americans are ridiculous. I’m so glad we aren’t like them.”

For the most part we’re exactly the same. People from the city are similar to each other. Folks from the Midwest have more in common with Canada’s prairie inhabitants.

The commonalities we share outnumber our differences. The ugly American stereotype that has been perpetuated by the Canadian media and the people themselves ring hollow when observing the likes of Toronto’s mayor.

I’ve met a number of great people from both countries both in North America and abroad. I’ve met a number of terrible people from both countries in North America and abroad.

Eventually when the New World Order is established we’ll share the same passport anyways. I’ve said too much.

3) Canada burned down the White House

Usually the conversation takes place at a bar of ill repute in the outskirts of Bangkok.

A crew of foreigners, shackled together for the next two days because they are staying at the same hostel, take the piss out of one another while getting loaded.

The Canadian, left with little more to say, trots out the ‘we burned down the White House’ line. The Americans, feeling affronted, answer back with a string of obscenities aimed at the Queen.

Canadians didn’t burn down the White House in 1814. British troops did, in retaliation for the burning of Yorktown.  Some of those troops went on to establish roots in Canada, but in any case it’s not a valid claim to fame.

2) Canadians are tired of putting flags on their stuff

So Canadians aren’t all that different from Americans, but they do go out of their way to make sure the outside world doesn’t know that.

The lengths Canadians go through to make sure they aren’t identified as Americans while abroad is extreme. The Canadian miniature flag industry is single-handedly propped up by 20-year-old’s and their fearful parents.

We’ve seen Taken. That stuff only happens to attractive Americans.

1) Everyone’s beer is terrible

“Your beer is terrible.”

“Our beer? Have you drank that swill you call Molson Canadian.”

Unfortunately both members of this worthless conversation are correct. There is a lot of terrible Canadian beer. There is a lot of terrible American beer. There are gems located in both countries. There are vomit inducing stomach cleansers located in both countries.


Good for you, Amherst Ale House. Let freedom reign.

Comments (1)

  1. Technically we were all British subjects at that point, no such thing as Canadian. There was also a unit made up of mercenaries from a variety of other European nations that had been sent to Canada after being very nearly destroyed during the Peninsular Campaign. So it wasn`t just the British. Also, the British did not burn down the White House as revenge for Yorktown in 1781, because Yorktown is only important as a strategic victory…it meant nothing to the British other than it meant that their position was untenable in the Americas. They burned Washington as revenge for the burning of York (Toronto) and the scourging of the Long Point area by Canadian traitors and American troops. We burned Buffalo too to get the point across to the Americans who had started the whole burning thing. However the misbelief most people have (especially Torontonians) is that York was a capital. It wasn`t. It wasn`t even strategically important, as Amherstberg and Kingston were much more important militarily at that point.

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