I know. We’re kind of leaning heavily on the ol’ animated GIFs today, but there’s so much douche being exuded here. It would be a crime against scorn not to post it.
Now, there are three things you should remember before complaining of how mean it is to mock people on display like this: 1) I’m aware of my underworld bound status, but don’t let that interfere with your laughter. I’m going to hell so that you don’t have to. 2) I’ve often heard that mockery is the highest form of flattery. Or something like that. 3) They’re Yankees fans. It’s not like they’re human beings with real feelings.
Enough justification. Let’s get to the scorn and work our way from left to right.
First, we have Father & Son Tandem One. How nice of daddy dearest to dress his son like a turtle before the big ballgame. He must’ve misunderstood the memo from the guy in front who tried to coordinate Turtle from Entourage lookalike contest. Not a hard thing to do at a Yankees game.
Is it really the best form of parenting to proudly point your son in the direction of an obscenely gesturing frat boy who doesn’t appear as though he knows how to properly put on a baseball cap, let alone construct a sentence that doesn’t include an obscenity.
Moving over to Jerry Ferrara in front. Maybe if you spent a little less time plucking your eyebrows you could fit in a few more sit ups. I get that a lot of Yankees fans think that the Turtle from Entourage look is a good one, but that shouldn’t include putting turtle wax on your skin. How else could it be that smooth and shiny? Right. Dorito remnants on your fingers.
I’d be nervous if I was the girl beside him. It’s a long walk to the concessions. He’s going to get hungry again . . . in the fourth inning.
The guy who actually snagged the Robinson Cano home run ball from Nelson Cruz is in a lucky position. How often do you get to see what your future holds sitting right behind you.
I haven’t seen Meatloaf use his pipes like that since he rejoined the cast of Hair on Broadway.
And is that Martin Landau sitting quietly beside him? At least only Meatloaf’s career is dead.
Finally, there’s Father & Son Tandem Two. What is it with dads pointing out the obvious to their kids? Do they think they’re stupid or something? The closest my dad came to pointing something out to me was when he would poke me in the ribs with his index finger to “quiet me down.”