Word on the street is that dressing up like Giants closer Brian Wilson will be a popular choice this Hallo’ween. But while anyone with $20 in their wallet can buy a Giants hat and a fake beard, it takes an entirely different level of commitment to take things to new heights.
Never mind the fact the popularity of this costume is regional at best, and that those in the Toronto area would be unlikely to recognize costumes centred around a local slugger who hit more home runs in a single season than any player in Blue Jays history let alone a reliever who collected 48 saves this season in San Francisco, if I was going to dress up as the Giants’ most impactful player this postseason I was going to do it the right way, even if it meant that most people thought I was a white Mr. T wearing a Giants jersey.
Step 1: Grow, Grow, Grow You Beard
The problems with letting your facial hair run wild for three weeks are two fold. 1) In the early stages of full tilt beardom, no woman will want to kiss your sandpaper face. 2) Once you’ve reached full tilt beardom, no woman will want to kiss your ugly face despite the allure of remnants of whatever you last ate.
Step 2: The Mohawk
Sure, you could keep your hair the way it is and just wear a Giants cap all Hallo’ween, but if you’re going to go to the trouble of repulsing women for weeks, you’ve got to go all the way. Besides, dressing up like Brian Wilson requires more than just an outfit or a haircut. It needs an attitude. A no compromising stance that puts clippers in your hands and tells you to mow away.
Step 3: Shock
Step 4: Get Over Your Fear Of The Beard
We don’t all have the benefit of playing baseball in San Francisco where the sun apparently “tans” your beard. Some of us require artificial enhancement. Otherwise, there’ll be no play for Mr. Grey.
Step 5: The pain. Oh, the pain.
What Keith Hernandez never tells you in the Just For Men commercials is that applying their poisonous concoction to your face hurts more than getting hot footed. That’s not a smile for the camera that my face is revealing, it’s a grimace that was maintained right up until the moment that I rinsed off the devil’s paste from my skin.
Step 6: The Finishing Touches
By now, you look like a moron, your face feels like it went through a cheese grater and you still haven’t decided how to explain your hair to the rest of the office on Monday; so throwing on an orange Giants jersey, slipping into your old softball pants and posing for a picture like it’s grade four picture day isn’t that much of a stretch at all. It’s party time.
7. The Drawbacks
When you dress like Brian Wilson, you better party like Brian Wilson. Of course the only drawback to that is the headache the next morning. That, and a weird number of gay guys interested in talking to you at the bar about the hyper masculinity of the beard.