Crawford Takes Talents To Fenway

So, you know, all that time we thought it was bull[Getting Blanked] when the journalists at the Winter Meetings referred to “mystery teams” as being “in on” a free agent, and we laughed at the silly, pathetic writers who ought to know better by now . . . well maybe, just maybe, there was something to it.

How else to explain the Boston Red Sox surprising everyone except Pete Abraham by signing Carl Crawford to a seven year contract worth $142 million, making him the highest paid outfielder in the history of ever?

Crawford joins a lineup in Boston that is so depressingly good that there is actually doubt as to who exactly the Evil Empire is.  Consider this for one moment:

1. Jacoby Ellsbury cf
2. Carl Crawford lf
3. Adrian Gonzalez 1b
4. Kevin Youkilis 3b
5. Dustin Pedroia 2b
6. J.D. Drew rf
7. David Ortiz dh
8. Marco Scutaro ss
9. Jarrod Saltalamacchia c

Ugh.  Do you remember when fans of other AL East teams were worried about the Red Sox possibly signing Magglio Ordonez to a contract?  This is about six years and $132 million worse.

If I’d told you about a team that had Drew and Ortiz hitting sixth and seventh in a lineup, you’d assume that team was either managed by Cito Gaston or the guy you totally annihilated in your fantasy league this year.  But no, on the Boston Red Sox next season, that’s probably a generous placement in their batting order.

The way I see it, I am literally 1/142nd the baseball player that Carl Crawford is.  Could I please have a million dollars?