There are very few signs more telling of the decline of our civilization than the popularity of Bleacher Report.  Through a combination of catering to the lowest common denominator and search engine optimization, Bleacher Report has become one of the fastest growing sports websites in the world, earth, globe, Megan Fox, universe, sex, cosmos.

Even with the recent hiring of the well respected former Salon sports writer King Kaufman, the typical Bleacher Report article consists of ten pictures of scantily clad women, hyperboles that make exaggerations look subtle and grammar that reads as though it’s an online message board for the barely literate.

Its very presence online is a slap in the face to everyone who forms their opinions based on evidence, and with its domination of Google search engines, Bleacher Report makes it very difficult to dodge their unrelenting open handed blows.

While the offences of the website’s articles are numerous, ten pieces of baseball writing (and I use the term loosely) stand out from among the mire as the absolute worst.  So, in true Bleacher Report fashion, I give you the Top Eight Worst Bleacher Report Baseball Posts Of All Time Ever In The World.

My apologies for not having them in a slide show format.

#8

Title: The 10 Cleanest Active Sluggers.

Renamed: Ten Players Who Have Hit A Lot Of Home Runs But Never Tested Positive For PEDs As Far As I, A 19 Year Old Minnesota Twins Fan, Know.

Sins:  If there’s one thing we’ve learned about performance enhancing drugs in baseball, it’s that they were, and perhaps still are, prevalent.  Steroid use in baseball goes far beyond those reported to have tested positive or those that have admitted to using. So much so, that it takes a lot of assumptive power to divide players into clean and dirty based solely on the information that has been released by MLB.

I’m not saying you should call players dirty who haven’t tested positive.  I’m saying you shouldn’t classify any players as clean or dirty.  Even though I disagree with what Jeff Pearlman said about Jeff Bagwell, at least he provided circumstantial evidence.  These players are all presented as though all are aware of their purity.

Classifying the players as active and then including Ken Griffey Jr. as the first player that gets mentioned also don’t help the article.  It would be like me writing the opening and then beginning my list with a SB Nation post.  I also have a hard time including Miguel Cabrera, whose off field struggles with substance abuse are well known, on any list for being clean.

#7

Title: MLB Owners’ Wags, Daughters and Companions.

Renamed: Trading My Soul For Pageviews.

Sins:  Putting people in a sexual context who didn’t ask for it, or don’t use it to further their own careers is despicable enough when it’s merely the attractive wives and girlfriends of players, but taking a further step down the ladder of moral depravity and including the middle aged partners of owners and their daughters is a shameful way to sexualize the family members of someone who is already a behind the scenes character.

And that’s not even mentioning the fact that this has just about as much to do with baseball as theoretical physics while being its complete opposite in intelligence.

#6

Title: Philadelphia Phillies: Trading Cliff Lee and Other Ways To Replenish Farm System

Renamed: I’m Going To Write Something So Ridiculous You’ll Actually Wonder If I’m Not Being Satrical.

Sins:  Where to begin?  This article suggests that the Phillies should replenish their farm system, which is apparently very depleted despite being ranked in the Top 5 by Keith Law of ESPN.

How?

Here are the options that the article suggests:

  • Trade their current best prospect for another prospect.
  • Stop signing free agents.
  • Let players leave as free agents.
  • Give out long term deals to current players (which would seem to contradict the previous point, but they use the Ryan Howard deal as an example of something good, so perhaps they mean only if the terms are outlandishly in the player’s favour).
  • Trade Cliff Lee for prospects after signing him this offseason.

Baseball isn’t hockey.  You don’t have to turn yourself into a terrible team to reload, but that seems completely lost on the author of this post, whom I can only assume would be the first in line to decry the team the moment they follow his advice and lose 90 games the next season, all while keeping huge contracts on the books.

#5

Title: The 5 Worst Stadiums in All of Major League Baseball.

Renamed:  Five Stadiums I Can’t Seem To Hit A Home Run In When I Play My Baseball Video Games.

Sins:  A quick look at his list should tell you all you need to know about how much time our author spent considering this one: The Coliseum (Oakland Athletics), Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros), New Yankees Stadium (New York Yankees), Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays), Citi Field (New York Mets).

Other than being dead wrong about three of the five parks, he contradicts himself throughout the article, but at no time more glaringly when he criticizes Minute Maid Park in one paragraph for being too generic and then degrades it for being too unique with its short outfield wall in right.

#4

Title: 25 Best Small-Market Stars in MLB History.

Renamed: 25 Players Who Didn’t Play For The Yankees Or Red Sox; Or Else Also Played For A Different Team And So I Won’t Mention That They Played There Because Then My List Would Be Severely Shortened.

Sins:  In running the gauntlet of “small-market” stars, the author ends up listing half of the teams in MLB as being small market, including Toronto with a population the size of Chicago and the wealthiest ownership group in all of baseball.

He also conveniently forgets to mention that certain players in his list contributed to their stardom while with big market teams, like Dave Winfield with the New York Yankees.

#3

Title: The 100 Best Players in Baseball History.

Renamed: A Bunch Of New York Yankees I Love And Some Other Good Players.

Sins:  All you need to know about this ranking is that Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe Dimaggio, Mickey Mantle, Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford, Bill Dickey, Roger Clemens, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez and Reggie Jackson along with 59 others all rank ahead of Barry Bonds.  Sure, some of those are arguable, but really, all those guys are better baseball players than Barry Bonds?

I struggle with these greatest of all time rankings for baseball more than any other sport because there are already such comprehensive statistics available to see exactly how they compare.

#2

Title: Each Team’s Player Who Least Resembles a Pro Athlete.

Renamed:  A Comprehensive List That No One Should Possibly Care About.

Sins:  Where does the impetus for something like this come from?  And what could possibly be learned from reading through this list other than the author doesn’t think that Tim Lincecum looks like a baseball player?  Having gained nothing after reading through this piece, I’ve actually lost brain cells in the process and am now literally stupider for having read it.

#1

Title:  Ranking The 40 Hottest WAGs Of All-Time.

Renamed:  Trying Desperately To Give Strangers Boners Through Pictures Of Women Who Are Vaguely Related To Baseball Because I Always Wanted To Be A Boner Provider When I Grew Up.

Sins:  Forget about how degrading this post is to women and how repulsive it is to publish masturbatory aids in your name.  The worst part about this post is the writing.  I’ve read better word flow from people learning English as their second language.

It is now time to present the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. This is a list of the hottest WAGs in MLB history.

We have seen many beautiful women involved with many different MLB players, but this list is the best of the best. The babes that we will not bother looking at, over and over again. Those that are so hot, we don’t even bother reading the commentary and instead we stare at the beauty in front of our eyes.

Of course, I had to include Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez’s WAG lists, and that was pretty much my entire list.

Is that an attempt at a joke at the end or is the author really going to include Madonna in this post?

After reading through all of these, I’m now in need of a Silkwod-style shower.

*I made the decision not to link to any of the articles I mentioned because I didn’t want to give Bleacher Report any more page views than necessary. If you have any doubts as to the existence of these articles, I’d encourage you to search the title via an internet search engine.  The titles of each post is 100% accurate.

Comments (36)

  1. Why didn’t you make this into a slideshow?

  2. Awesome job. Small formating error with #1 – just an FYI.

    But yeah, this ruled.

  3. Thanks for the heads up!

  4. You know that AAA (Awkward, Annoyed & Angry) feeling you get when you’re watching a reality show and you become embarrassed for someone else?

    That’s how I feel when I read anything on B.R.

  5. WOW! Bleacher report is just awful. I read a paragraph of most of the articles and they are so uneducated. I can’t believe this site actually keeps spewing out more crap.

    • I’ve read online that Jorge Suarez admitted he was a “social experiment” to take advantage of Bleacher’s situation of “once you get approved to post, you can write articles and have them go directly on the site before being edited some time after that.” They were like Yardbarker but collected onto one big site instead of separate blogs.

      That Cliff Lee article seems like the one that tipped them off for sure that he was messing around.

  6. I’m offended I did not get credit for my post, or at least link to it. I call plagerism!

  7. “…hyperboles that make exaggerations look subtle and grammar that reads as though it’s an online message board for the barely literate.

    It’s very presence online is a slap in the face to everyone…”

    Beware from that glass house…

    Actually, I really respect your writing abilities, but could not resist the irony within the above quote.

  8. “including Toronto with a population the size of Chicago”

    Toronto’s population is not even close to Chicago’s population, although bigger than anything other than it, LA and NYC.

    Sorry bro.

    (I work for CNN, you may know me).

  9. Reading anything from that site gives me hope that one day I can win a Pulitzer.

  10. “Sins: Putting people in a sexual context who didn’t ask for it, or don’t use it to further their own careers is despicable enough when it’s merely the attractive wives and girlfriends of players, but taking a further step down the ladder of moral depravity and including the middle aged partners of owners and their daughters is a shameful way to sexualize the family members of someone who is already a behind the scenes character.”

    i’m glad i’m not the only one who can’t ****ing stand this. there are plenty of attractive women who are literally taking their clothes off for a living. there’s no reason to objectify anyone from outside of that circle under the flimsy excuse of “they’re connected to someone who people have heard of.”

  11. You didn’t fix your grammatical mistake yet… ;)

  12. Get a life “Wolf Blitzer”. If you’re so good at writing, then start your own website.

  13. The constant derogatory language regarding women is enough to organize a hacking campaign to end their sorry existence. Disgusting, classless and ignorant are the tamest words that come to mind.

  14. I just believe that if you wish to criticize the grammar of others, your own copy had better be clean (while doing it).

    And I do have a website: http://www.cnn.com/wolf

    Did I mention I’m from Buffalo?

  15. Doesn’t that useless hack @1BlueJaysWay degrade women on his site too?

    What is “rolling with GC”, anyway? A creep caravan?

  16. It’s entertainment. If you want journalistic integrity, ignore B.R. in your Google search.

    I enjoy reading Macleans or The Economist, but that doesn’t mean I rip on the Toronto Sun

  17. @Jorge: You should probably learn how to spell plagiarism before you accuse someone of it. Not linking to something does not constitute plagiarism, so while you’re confirming the spelling, you should probably also look up the definition, haha.

    @Ryalbro: You probably should rip on the Toronto Sun

  18. Not to glorify any of those articles with a response, but:

    “The babes that we will not bother looking at, over and over again.”

    You know it’s bad when the author explicitly contradicts their own point.

  19. “…catering to the lowest common denominator…”

    Pot, meet kettle.

  20. Honestly, in isolation your skewering of this is solid and I could agree from experience that Bleacher Report isn’t worthy of the publicity it already somehow generates, but you do realize that by the very act of publishing this you are adding to their pageviews? So I’m not sure why you don’t accept that and just link the articles…

  21. I was waiting for you to mention the “Greatest Homeruns Ever Hit of All Time” or something like that. The article where the author explicitly states that he considered Carter’s homerun, but felt it didn’t have that much of an impact.

  22. Commenters claiming to be Wolf Blitzer should actually have to validate their identity.

    And what do we expect. It’s called Bleacher Report, and “the bleachers are typically in less desirable locations and/or have lower ticket prices, giving the term “bleachers” a connotation of lower-class seating.” And we all know what that means.

    PS: English is my first foreign language.

  23. Exactly! Poor people are dumb.

  24. “theREALheadlesschicken says:
    02.09.11 @ 11:35 AM EST

    Commenters claiming to be Wolf Blitzer should actually have to validate their identity.”

    I guess “the Realheadlesschicken” validates your identity, eh fucktard?

    I really AM Wolf Blitzer. I am from Buffalo NY, and I am a Jays fan. And you’re in the Situation Room!

  25. Wolf, is this the reason why your program has been so dramatically decreasing in quality the past few runs? Because you’re so busy commenting on baseball blogs? Get your act together and come back to the world of real reporting before we loose more viewers to MSNBC and FOX. I’m tired of this nonsense and you should be too.

  26. LOL are you serious about #8?? what is wrong with that slide show? if you actually read some of the dude’s work you would realize hes a great writer and really respected. his name is Joseph Fafinski…why do you rip on him just cause he’s 19? did somebody get rejected?

  27. haha i agree with fred at the end here. I read almost every one of Joseph Fafinski’s great articles…and to think hes only 19 is crazy!!! this guy dustin is just a jealous hater

  28. If people read BR ahead of actual sports writers with actual reason, the future of sports journalism will look exactly like going to a bar on a Friday night and developing information and opinion from the pointless sports drivel argued there.

  29. WOW, Bleacher Report just took this article and posted it on it’s website.

  30. Who knew there was so much money to be made from people clicking “No thanks” every damn time they visit a Web site?

  31. once read an article last year where the author suggested the d’backs should trade willy mo pena to the jays for brandon morrow. he was serious.

  32. You realize that Bonds got most of his power from ‘roids, remember? Still a great ballplayer, but it’s tough to compare him to those who haven’t juiced.

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