There are very few signs more telling of the decline of our civilization than the popularity of Bleacher Report. Through a combination of catering to the lowest common denominator and search engine optimization, Bleacher Report has become one of the fastest growing sports websites in the world, earth, globe, Megan Fox, universe, sex, cosmos.
Even with the recent hiring of the well respected former Salon sports writer King Kaufman, the typical Bleacher Report article consists of ten pictures of scantily clad women, hyperboles that make exaggerations look subtle and grammar that reads as though it’s an online message board for the barely literate.
Its very presence online is a slap in the face to everyone who forms their opinions based on evidence, and with its domination of Google search engines, Bleacher Report makes it very difficult to dodge their unrelenting open handed blows.
While the offences of the website’s articles are numerous, ten pieces of baseball writing (and I use the term loosely) stand out from among the mire as the absolute worst. So, in true Bleacher Report fashion, I give you the Top Eight Worst Bleacher Report Baseball Posts Of All Time Ever In The World.
My apologies for not having them in a slide show format.
Title: The 10 Cleanest Active Sluggers.
Renamed: Ten Players Who Have Hit A Lot Of Home Runs But Never Tested Positive For PEDs As Far As I, A 19 Year Old Minnesota Twins Fan, Know.
Sins: If there’s one thing we’ve learned about performance enhancing drugs in baseball, it’s that they were, and perhaps still are, prevalent. Steroid use in baseball goes far beyond those reported to have tested positive or those that have admitted to using. So much so, that it takes a lot of assumptive power to divide players into clean and dirty based solely on the information that has been released by MLB.
I’m not saying you should call players dirty who haven’t tested positive. I’m saying you shouldn’t classify any players as clean or dirty. Even though I disagree with what Jeff Pearlman said about Jeff Bagwell, at least he provided circumstantial evidence. These players are all presented as though all are aware of their purity.
Classifying the players as active and then including Ken Griffey Jr. as the first player that gets mentioned also don’t help the article. It would be like me writing the opening and then beginning my list with a SB Nation post. I also have a hard time including Miguel Cabrera, whose off field struggles with substance abuse are well known, on any list for being clean.
Title: MLB Owners’ Wags, Daughters and Companions.
Renamed: Trading My Soul For Pageviews.
Sins: Putting people in a sexual context who didn’t ask for it, or don’t use it to further their own careers is despicable enough when it’s merely the attractive wives and girlfriends of players, but taking a further step down the ladder of moral depravity and including the middle aged partners of owners and their daughters is a shameful way to sexualize the family members of someone who is already a behind the scenes character.
And that’s not even mentioning the fact that this has just about as much to do with baseball as theoretical physics while being its complete opposite in intelligence.
Title: Philadelphia Phillies: Trading Cliff Lee and Other Ways To Replenish Farm System
Renamed: I’m Going To Write Something So Ridiculous You’ll Actually Wonder If I’m Not Being Satrical.
Sins: Where to begin? This article suggests that the Phillies should replenish their farm system, which is apparently very depleted despite being ranked in the Top 5 by Keith Law of ESPN.
Here are the options that the article suggests:
- Trade their current best prospect for another prospect.
- Stop signing free agents.
- Let players leave as free agents.
- Give out long term deals to current players (which would seem to contradict the previous point, but they use the Ryan Howard deal as an example of something good, so perhaps they mean only if the terms are outlandishly in the player’s favour).
- Trade Cliff Lee for prospects after signing him this offseason.
Baseball isn’t hockey. You don’t have to turn yourself into a terrible team to reload, but that seems completely lost on the author of this post, whom I can only assume would be the first in line to decry the team the moment they follow his advice and lose 90 games the next season, all while keeping huge contracts on the books.
Title: The 5 Worst Stadiums in All of Major League Baseball.
Renamed: Five Stadiums I Can’t Seem To Hit A Home Run In When I Play My Baseball Video Games.
Sins: A quick look at his list should tell you all you need to know about how much time our author spent considering this one: The Coliseum (Oakland Athletics), Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros), New Yankees Stadium (New York Yankees), Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays), Citi Field (New York Mets).
Other than being dead wrong about three of the five parks, he contradicts himself throughout the article, but at no time more glaringly when he criticizes Minute Maid Park in one paragraph for being too generic and then degrades it for being too unique with its short outfield wall in right.
Title: 25 Best Small-Market Stars in MLB History.
Renamed: 25 Players Who Didn’t Play For The Yankees Or Red Sox; Or Else Also Played For A Different Team And So I Won’t Mention That They Played There Because Then My List Would Be Severely Shortened.
Sins: In running the gauntlet of “small-market” stars, the author ends up listing half of the teams in MLB as being small market, including Toronto with a population the size of Chicago and the wealthiest ownership group in all of baseball.
He also conveniently forgets to mention that certain players in his list contributed to their stardom while with big market teams, like Dave Winfield with the New York Yankees.
Title: The 100 Best Players in Baseball History.
Renamed: A Bunch Of New York Yankees I Love And Some Other Good Players.
Sins: All you need to know about this ranking is that Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe Dimaggio, Mickey Mantle, Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford, Bill Dickey, Roger Clemens, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez and Reggie Jackson along with 59 others all rank ahead of Barry Bonds. Sure, some of those are arguable, but really, all those guys are better baseball players than Barry Bonds?
I struggle with these greatest of all time rankings for baseball more than any other sport because there are already such comprehensive statistics available to see exactly how they compare.
Title: Each Team’s Player Who Least Resembles a Pro Athlete.
Renamed: A Comprehensive List That No One Should Possibly Care About.
Sins: Where does the impetus for something like this come from? And what could possibly be learned from reading through this list other than the author doesn’t think that Tim Lincecum looks like a baseball player? Having gained nothing after reading through this piece, I’ve actually lost brain cells in the process and am now literally stupider for having read it.
Title: Ranking The 40 Hottest WAGs Of All-Time.
Renamed: Trying Desperately To Give Strangers Boners Through Pictures Of Women Who Are Vaguely Related To Baseball Because I Always Wanted To Be A Boner Provider When I Grew Up.
Sins: Forget about how degrading this post is to women and how repulsive it is to publish masturbatory aids in your name. The worst part about this post is the writing. I’ve read better word flow from people learning English as their second language.
It is now time to present the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. This is a list of the hottest WAGs in MLB history.
We have seen many beautiful women involved with many different MLB players, but this list is the best of the best. The babes that we will not bother looking at, over and over again. Those that are so hot, we don’t even bother reading the commentary and instead we stare at the beauty in front of our eyes.
Of course, I had to include Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez’s WAG lists, and that was pretty much my entire list.
Is that an attempt at a joke at the end or is the author really going to include Madonna in this post?
After reading through all of these, I’m now in need of a Silkwod-style shower.
*I made the decision not to link to any of the articles I mentioned because I didn’t want to give Bleacher Report any more page views than necessary. If you have any doubts as to the existence of these articles, I’d encourage you to search the title via an internet search engine. The titles of each post is 100% accurate.