The pomp and circumstance of Opening Day is finally upon us! The pageantry! The sepia-toned schmaltz! In many ways, Opening Day sets the tone for the coming season. From ring ceremonies to minting the latest Hall of Fame inductees, teams use Opening Day to prep their fanbase for another exciting season or brace them for another six months of suffering.

The pitcher lucky enough to take the ball for his team on Opening Day is a big part of that message. In many ways, the Opening Day starter says it all. Feast or Famine. All in or fold. Contend or pretend. As I once did at my previous writing home (here’s 2010 and 2009), allow me to run down all the Opening Day starters and decide if their fanbases are feasting or facing famine.

AL East

NL East

Blue Jays – Ricky Romero: Feast Phillies – Roy Halladay: RoboFeast
Red Sox – Jon Lester: Feast Braves – Derek Lowe: Relative Famine
Yankees – CC Sabathia: Gorging Feast Mets – Mike Pelfrey: Financial Famine
Rays – David Price: Feast Marlins – Josh Johnson: Beast
Orioles – Jeremy Guthrie: Hamsterdam Famine Nationals – Livan Hernandez: Ironic Famine

AL Central

NL Central

Twins – Carl Pavano: Fu Manfamine Reds – Edinson Volquez: Feast
White Sox – Mark Buehrle: Inertia Feast Cubs – Ryan Dempster: Maple Syrup Feast
Royals – Luke Hochevar: Famine Brewers – Yovanni Gallardo: Feast
Tribe – Fausto Carmona: Famine Astros – Brett Myers: Scumbag Feast
Tigers – Justin Verlander: High speed Feast Pirates – Kevin Corriea: Fail
Cardinals – Chris Carpenter: Aging Feast

AL West

NL West

A’s – Trevor Cahill: Holographic Feast Giants – Tim Lincecum: Mr. Feastastic!
Mariners – Felix Hernandez: Regal Feast Rockies – Ubaldo Jiminez: Feast
Angels – Jered Weaver: Mystery Machine Feast Dodgers – Clayton Kershaw: Feast on the Young
Rangers – C.J. Wilson: Feast (hold the wine) Diamond Backs – Ian Kennedy: Hipster Famine
Padres – Tim Stauffer: Famine

Comments (20)

  1. I don’t get if

  2. Uh oh!!! The Angels have apparently replaced Jered with his older and far less useful brother Jeff, as their opening day starter. That’s definitely a mystery but I think it’ll be more of a famine than a feast!

  3. In baseball terms, “if” usually stands for infield.

  4. Sorry, I mean I don’t get the feast or famine thing… (not “if”, typo)

    • I know. I was just being difficult.

      Have you not heard of the saying “feast or famine?” You know, it’s either feast or famine? It’s just extending it into the opening day starters (feast = good, famine = bad), and putting a personal note about the individual players that fits the feast or famine motif.

      And now Drew’s joke isn’t funny any more.

  5. I think C.J. Wilson’s might have been my favourite. Well done.

  6. Carmona = famine? I think you’re wrong on this one. Not that the Indians are any good, but Carmona? He’s got something.

  7. What’s with the Texas Rangers and being sober anyways.

  8. Anyone who’s a famine right now but would be a feast if a different one of their pitchers was starting on opening day? Only ones I can think of off the top of my head is Liriano vs. Pavano for the Twins and Hanson vs. Lowe for the Braves.

  9. Mat Latos too obviously, if he could start today.

  10. Lowe is on his way to throwing 6 shutout innings

  11. Bucky Boy predicted the Braves to win the NL East in that WEIRD Sportsnet MLB preview show yesterday. It had the overall of a shopping channel sequence. Can’t Rogers just fire that Jamie Campbell doof. He’s married to someone’s daughter, right?

  12. overall tone I meant

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