The pomp and circumstance of Opening Day is finally upon us! The pageantry! The sepia-toned schmaltz! In many ways, Opening Day sets the tone for the coming season. From ring ceremonies to minting the latest Hall of Fame inductees, teams use Opening Day to prep their fanbase for another exciting season or brace them for another six months of suffering.
The pitcher lucky enough to take the ball for his team on Opening Day is a big part of that message. In many ways, the Opening Day starter says it all. Feast or Famine. All in or fold. Contend or pretend. As I once did at my previous writing home (here’s 2010 and 2009), allow me to run down all the Opening Day starters and decide if their fanbases are feasting or facing famine.
AL East
|
NL East |
| Blue Jays – Ricky Romero: Feast | Phillies – Roy Halladay: RoboFeast |
| Red Sox – Jon Lester: Feast | Braves – Derek Lowe: Relative Famine |
| Yankees – CC Sabathia: Gorging Feast | Mets – Mike Pelfrey: Financial Famine |
| Rays – David Price: Feast | Marlins – Josh Johnson: Beast |
| Orioles – Jeremy Guthrie: Hamsterdam Famine | Nationals – Livan Hernandez: Ironic Famine |
AL Central |
NL Central |
| Twins – Carl Pavano: Fu Manfamine | Reds – Edinson Volquez: Feast |
| White Sox – Mark Buehrle: Inertia Feast | Cubs – Ryan Dempster: Maple Syrup Feast |
| Royals – Luke Hochevar: Famine | Brewers – Yovanni Gallardo: Feast |
| Tribe – Fausto Carmona: Famine | Astros – Brett Myers: Scumbag Feast |
| Tigers – Justin Verlander: High speed Feast | Pirates – Kevin Corriea: Fail |
| Cardinals – Chris Carpenter: Aging Feast | |
AL West |
NL West |
| A’s – Trevor Cahill: Holographic Feast | Giants – Tim Lincecum: Mr. Feastastic! |
| Mariners – Felix Hernandez: Regal Feast | Rockies – Ubaldo Jiminez: Feast |
| Angels – Jered Weaver: Mystery Machine Feast | Dodgers – Clayton Kershaw: Feast on the Young |
| Rangers – C.J. Wilson: Feast (hold the wine) | Diamond Backs – Ian Kennedy: Hipster Famine |
| Padres – Tim Stauffer: Famine |
I don’t get if
Uh oh!!! The Angels have apparently replaced Jered with his older and far less useful brother Jeff, as their opening day starter. That’s definitely a mystery but I think it’ll be more of a famine than a feast!
Jeff Weaver is definitely famine. Have you seen how skinny that dude is?
Oh, and fixed.
In baseball terms, “if” usually stands for infield.
Sorry, I mean I don’t get the feast or famine thing… (not “if”, typo)
I know. I was just being difficult.
Have you not heard of the saying “feast or famine?” You know, it’s either feast or famine? It’s just extending it into the opening day starters (feast = good, famine = bad), and putting a personal note about the individual players that fits the feast or famine motif.
And now Drew’s joke isn’t funny any more.
Something tells me it wasn’t in the first place. :(
I think C.J. Wilson’s might have been my favourite. Well done.
Carmona = famine? I think you’re wrong on this one. Not that the Indians are any good, but Carmona? He’s got something.
Is that something he has a severe lack of command?
I don’t think he’d start for most teams on Opening Day. Also, strikeouts are the mark of a hearty meal.
What’s with the Texas Rangers and being sober anyways.
@prankmunky – clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose?
Anyone who’s a famine right now but would be a feast if a different one of their pitchers was starting on opening day? Only ones I can think of off the top of my head is Liriano vs. Pavano for the Twins and Hanson vs. Lowe for the Braves.
Absolutely. James McDonald might be a feast when he starts for the Pirates next year.
Mat Latos too obviously, if he could start today.
Lowe is on his way to throwing 6 shutout innings
Might have to revise my assessment.
Bucky Boy predicted the Braves to win the NL East in that WEIRD Sportsnet MLB preview show yesterday. It had the overall of a shopping channel sequence. Can’t Rogers just fire that Jamie Campbell doof. He’s married to someone’s daughter, right?
overall tone I meant