I shared my twenty-first birthday party with a girl I knew who was also turning twenty-one. As a twenty year old, I didn’t really see much of a point in having female friends, unless that friendship would eventually lead to sex. I also didn’t know the first thing about throwing a party that women would actually want to attend. Yes, twenty year old Dustin Parkes was a real peach.

Meanwhile, my only soon to be twenty-one year old female friend was just realizing that the guys she made friends with in her first couple years of university were really only interested in a friendship that led to sex, and so she mostly hung around with other females. In other words, we combined friendship forces for the night to ensure that our respective birthdays were celebrated with an appropriate ratio of men to women.

I got the better end of the deal because a) it’s a lot harder for guys in their early twenties to find girls to party with than it is for girls in their early twenties to find guys interested in partying with them; and b) the party was hosted at her parents’ house which was in one of the more affluent parts of Toronto and it had a pool and it was in July and they had it catered.

As you might imagine, there was more than a fair share of sexual tension with the whole being in your early twenties, consuming large quantities of alcohol and everyone wearing bathing suits thing, but that story is for another time. What’s important for the purpose of this story are the tuna salad, egg salad and tuna/egg salad combination of sandwiches that were consumed throughout the party.

I should mention that the celebrations began mid afternoon and lasted well into the night and as you may be well aware, intoxicated people don’t really concern themselves too much with how certain foods might react to being left out in the sun and heat for multiple hours while they carouse. The next day I woke up deathly ill, not from a terrible hangover which if anything, was masked by the horror of a stomach turned inside out due to food poisoning. As that horrid next day went on, I began to learn of more and more friends and new¬†acquaintances¬†suffering from the wretched pain of bad mayo.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Franklin Gutierrez will go to the Mayo Clinic in search of answers to the mysterious stomach illness that continues to keep him out of the lineup.