We here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. love our religious nutbags. Cotton Mather, Father Coughlin, Jim and Tammy Faye, Benny Hinn. This guy. And now Harold Camping, who I first heard driving home from Royals Spring Training camp, would like you to know that you might be raptured around 6:00 tonight (in whatever time zone you’re in; it apparently takes the Lord exactly an hour to round up everyone in each time zone). It is, at once, fascinating and ridiculous. And it was basically the only thing anyone talked about on Twitter yesterday. So since this is so obviously happening, I thought the polite thing to do was to provide a handy guide to the coming End of Days for our neighbors to the North. After all, you can’t tell the players without a souvenir program for the Apocalypse.
Watching your team win the World Series is like The Rapture.
Most of you, I assume, are Jays fans, and can think back to the content afterglow of Toronto’s World Championships in 1992 and 1993. The parties. The jubilation. The free-flowing Molson. Nothing else mattered, and for one brief moment you were completely, deliriously happy. And you were all family. Remove the Molson, and that’s what the Rapture’s like. You and the rest of the true believers are in Heaven and perfectly content. You are one body in praise to the Lord. And you couldn’t care less about Earthly problems. It sounds great, although without the Molson, I can’t give it my full endorsement.
Being a Royals fan is like The Tribulation.
The Tribulation is a time after the Rapture, when everyone who’s left on Earth will endure natural disasters, war, famine, and unbelievable suffering. It’s also when the Anti-Christ shows up. For Royals fans, this began in about 1986, just after they won the World Series. Since then, the once-proud Royals have yet to return to the postseason, have gone 1799-2180 through 2010, with a .452 winning percentage. The crucial thing to remember about The Tribulation, however, is that it ends. And lo, with the ascencions of Eric Hosmer and Danny Duffy to the Major League roster, and the emergence of other tremendous prospects in the Royals system, the time seems to be now. Vastly different, say, from being a Pirates fan. Which is like being the rich man in Hell who can’t even get a sip of water.
By the way, for an in-depth look at what caused the Royals’ downfall, you can read more on my blog.
Oh, you want more? He comes into the league billed as a savior and lauded. About half-way through his career, it becomes apparent that he’s evil, probably because he invents PEDs and takes embarrassing photos.
Like the Anti-Christ, he remains dangerous, even in the decline phase of his career, and may murder many more dozens of baseballs before he finally hangs it up. Though the chances of him conquering Barry Bonds to become the All Time Homerun Leader are now almost certainly dead.
Jose Bautista is like The Second Coming.
Babe Ruth always said he’d come back as a former slap-hitting third baseman who would transform overnight into the greatest home run hitter in two countries. As the rest of baseball has struggled offensively, Bautista has actually improved. He’s gone homerless in his last four games, which means he’s basically teasing us at this point, since he can clearly turn it back on whenever he wants. Oh-for-three? Look again, he’s turned it into two homers and 4 RBI! Last year, it might have been dismissed as a fluke, but in the face of so many miracles…brother, you have to believe.
Update: Two homers, four RBI, and a stolen base today. See what I mean? Dude doesn’t perform miracles. He is a miracle.